Thirty Pieces of Silver

"But Jesus Said, 'Judas, how can you betray me, the Son of Man, with a kiss?'" - Luke 22:48

The foreshadowing of my betrayal was obvious, but all chose not to see or accept it. My animagus form of the Rat, my nickname Wormtail, and most importantly, my full name: Peter Judas Pettigrew. Luckily for me, none of my close friends were religious, or practiced Catholicism or Christianity to know that Peter denied Jesus three times and Judas betrayed him. I would do the same.

I never started out wanting to be evil, wanting to betray James, who I loved. But perhaps because I did love him, I betrayed him. Sirius had Remus, and Remus had Sirius. To avoid speculation Sirius dated every girl at Hogwarts, and Remus found a girl who would protect him in exchange for protecting her. And I had James, who dated casually while I have never touched a girl. It astounded me when he confessed that it was I he loved, not beautiful Remus, nor charismatic Sirius who was his best friend - it was bumbling, inept, unattractive, almost Squib-like me. Peter. James loved me. Of course he and Sirius remained best friends and reigned supreme, and Remus and I sat back and watched our lovers gain infamy throughout Hogwarts. We became animagi together. We were set to each take on a department of the ministry together: James wanted to be an Unspeakable, Sirius an Auror, Remus wanted to head the Magical Creatures department, and I ... I had aspirations for Minister. We would make our plans in the dead of night, how the famous Hogwarts four would rule the Ministry. How different it all worked out.

Seventh year came, and along with it James' Head Boy badge, and Remus' third Prefect one. Sirius and I goaded them, and especially James, for he was paired with Lily Evans, glowing in her superiority complex. I would listen as James revealed horror after horror of attempting civility towards her. I would hold him in my arms as he would drift to sleep, and in the morning I would kiss his eyelids as they opened for a new day.

And I remember Christmas Break when James asked me to fetch his History of Magic text, and in going through his trunk stumbled upon old parchments scribbled with hearts and the initials J.P. + L.E. My heart dropped as I cradled the papers. I knew L.E., Lily Evans. The date was two years ago, in our Fifth Year, when James had mysteriously started trying to be Civil to Evans, when he started to complain of her vendetta against him. Everything began to click in my mind then; his distant gaze when she was near, his enjoyment with his Head Boy duties, his long talks with Sirius after every meeting before he would crawl into my bed.

I took a breath, and placed the old parchment pack into the bottom of the trunk, grabbing the History of Magic text and heading back to my James in the library. I handed the text to him, forced a smile, and made my exit, claiming to be hungry and needing something from the kitchens before hurrying out. I roamed for hours, trying to clear my thoughts, when I found myself face to face with Regulus, Sirius' younger brother. For a moment we stood there, starring at each other. His eyes were red and shining like mine. Then he opened his arms and I fell into them as we sobbed on each other's shoulders.

After our tears had dissipated, we snuck into the Room of Requirement and talked. He had just joined forces with the Dark Lord, and I had just been spurred by love. We spent the rest of the day, and well into the night talking and crying, and telling our hopes and fears. We agreed to meet back in a week and carefully embraced each other good bye.

I was in better spirits as I turned into a rat to sneak back to the Common Room. I was almost there when James' voice caught my ears. I followed his voice until I saw him, with Evans. She was the only other Gryffindor to stay at Hogwarts besides the four of us guys, and the sight of them talking was infuriating. The two had stopped by a suit of armor and were engaged in easy conversation. Evans' green eyes sparkled with enjoyment, and James had a smile stretched across his face, a smile I had seen many times when he told me he loved me. Evans stretched her hand out and lightly traced his face, and he ran a hand through her crimson hair, pausing on the base of her skull and bringing her face forward to meet his, a gesture I was familiar with. And, like me, Evans complied eagerly, their lips meeting in an awkward kiss, and what I assumed to be their first. Her hands snaked around his neck as his dropped from her head to clutch her waist. As the kiss deepened, he backed her up against the wall and lifted her up to allow her long legs to wrap around his waist as one of his hands gripped her waist and the other planted itself against the wall. His lips moved down her neck and Evans's head leaned back, her green eyes closed and mouth parted in ecstasy.

I had seen James snog girls before; he had to, to keep up the pretenses of being straight. But I knew this was different. Even without my discovery of her name scribbled on his notes, he was kissing her like he had kissed me, and I had never seen him do that before. It was then that it hit me that he loved her. As their forms slid down the wall to the floor, I tore myself away to scurry across the floor and back to the common room. I knew that the scene in the hall would not progress further. James took things slow when he wanted to do things right, and he had never been further than that with a girl before, so he would be slow. I turned back into my human form and hurried into the Common Room. No one was awake and I breathed a sigh of relief. So I headed to my dorm, dressed for bed, and sprawled myself across it, leaving no room for James to slip into. I did not want to touch him after her hands had been all over him.

I woke first the next morning. Remus and Sirius were curled up together in Remus' bed on the far side of the dorm, and James laid on his own bed, still fully dressed, that smile still in place. I showered and dressed quickly, and slipped out to breakfast first.

In the Great Hall, two Ravenclaws sat together, and three Hufflepuffs conversed at their table. Regulus, Narcissa, Bellatrix, and Andromeda Black all sat at the Slytherin table. I gave Regulus a quick smile before seating myself at the Gryffindor table. I noticed to my horror, that Lily Evans was seated across from me. I caught her eyes and for a moment we stared at each other, two people binded by their common love for one man. I cannot tell if she knew of James and I, just as she could not tell if I knew of James and her. Our intense eye lock was broken by a wary hello. The two of us looked up to see James, looking as if he wanted to run. Evans smiled and happily pulled a seat out for him which he took, eyeing me warily. I turned my own eyes to my food, determined not to meet his inquiring and pleading stare. I heard Evans kiss him hello, and I heard them engage in idle chatter. I risked looking up and noticed Regulus across the room, starring at me sympathetically. I saw him excuse himself and leave the room, and I quickly did the same, hurrying to the Room of Requirement. I found him there, waiting for me, his arms open in the same way he had greeted me the day before. And like yesterday, I fell into them again. We embraced, and tentatively kissed, holding tightly to the warmth and comfort of each other. He spoke excitedly of the Dark Lord, and the things he was doing for the benefit of wizard kind. He mentioned the mission to cleanse the world of "Mudbloods, like that Evans," and my mind snapped to attention. I asked questions about the Dark Lord, and the more I learned, the more I wanted to join his cause. Regulus said he would bring my request up at the next meeting he attended, under one request: "Peter, promise me you are not doing this for love of James." I smiled, and kissed him, and told him no. And I denied James for the first time.

That night I pulled James aside in the Common Room. I told him that I knew of him and Evans, and I pulled off the silver chain he had given me, and placed it in his trembling hands. I kissed him softly, and told him that I only wanted his happiness, and I knew that he could not have it with me. I told him that Evans was waiting for him, and hurried off to bed before he could say a word, and before I broke down. Sirius came over to talk to me, but I asked him to leave me alone, that I would be fine in the morning. And I was.

The year went by in a blur, Regulus said that my request was accepted and brought me into the circle of Death Eaters. No student at Hogwarts was permitted to have the Dark Mark, and so I was saved from that experience and explanation for the moment. My romance with Regulus blossomed in our secret weekly meetings, and my inner hatred for Evans grew as my love for James began to turn into something darker. I never let it out though, being perfectly cordial to them all. James and Evans were too caught up in their own romance to notice my fake exterior, and Sirius and Remus had never really known me. Regulus, however, asked me: "Peter, promise me that I am not some rebound. Promise me that you do not still love James." I smiled, and kissed him, and told him no. And I denied James for the second time.

I remember the wedding of James and Lily. I was an usher like Remus, while Sirius stood as Best Man. It was a small, beautiful wedding and James looked dashing as Lily took his breath away, lilies in her crimson hair. I left early, claiming work to finish. I did research for the Ministry, and I was backed up with paper work. But I did not go home. I apparated to Regulus' place and made him dinner as we sipped fine wine and watched the fire. I held him and tried to forget the smile on James' face, as he and Lily were pronounced husband and wife.

That night Regulus and I were summoned from our quiet night as our newly tattooed Dark marks burned; we apparated to the meeting, donning our black robes and white silken masks, blending in with the other anonymous members in identical garb. We were given a mission: kill the Lohans. I remember the fear in their eyes as I pointed my wand at Jack Lohan, an Auror, and delivered my first killing curse. Avada Kedavra. The green light blinded me at first, and the site of Jack Lohan, dead and motionless, sent shivers down my spine. After the job, we returned to the Dark Lord, who congratulated us on a flawless job.

Regulus and I returned from the kill, and I held him as he was sick all over his immaculate bathroom. I heard him murmuring his fears and growing hatred towards the Dark Lord, exclaiming that this wasn't how it was supposed to be. He asked me to leave the group with him, to pack up and disappear. I thought of it, I thought of never seeing James again, I thought of never getting the chance to use that blinding light on Evans, though she was now Mrs. Potter, and seeing her die. I couldn't leave. I told Regulus I couldn't. He told me: "You're staying because of James, because you want to see Lily die. You're staying because you still love James." I smiled, and kissed him, and told him no. And I denied James for the third and final time.

Regulus did attempt to leave, and he was found, and he was killed. I was punished for not informing the Dark Lord, of his plan to leave, and I was subjected to Crucio.

Regulus' funeral was a large event. I went and was relieved that Sirius was not in attendance. I saw him afterwards and asked if he had attended, he shook his head and remained quiet. Remus looked concerned, but Sirius would say no more.

The year went on and James and Lily had a baby, a son they named Harry. Sirius was named as Godfather. We all spent the night at James' house in Godric's Hollow, congratulating him and Lily, and admiring adorable Harry. He was James, in everything but Lily's emerald eyes. I wish he had been mine and James' son, with my blue eyes in James' body.

I continued to lead my double life, with my ministry job and Sirius and Remus and James and the newly formed Order of the Phoenix, and I continued to participate in missions, orphaning the Bones' new baby girl as we murdered her parents, and many others. The Death Eaters grew infamous, and I rose in the circle.

After one mission, the Dark Lord called to me and told me of the prophecy he had heard. He had to kill James and Harry, and he needed my help, as I was closest to them. I agreed; wanting nothing more than Lily and her son dead. The question was, could I kill James? Did I have that strength? The Dark Lord knew my fears, and soothed me by telling me he would do all the killing, I just needed to be the Secret Keeper.

The next day I attended a small Order meeting. It was Sirius, James, Moody, Dumbledore, Lily and I. Dumbledore said there was a spy, and he believed the spy to be Remus, since Remus had shown interest in the Dark Lord's campaign for werewolves' rights. Dumbledore believed Remus to have swayed. Sirius was utterly distraught. Dumbledore continued on to James and Lily needing to go into hiding, Sirius was immediately chosen as Secret Keeper. My heart was torn, on one hand I was glad I could not participate in James' death, the other half was disappointed in not getting the chance to participate in Lily's.

That night I returned to my own flat, pacing, trying to decide how to break the news to the Dark Lord, when James' head popped into my fireplace, begging me to apparate quickly. I did so and found myself to James, Lily, and Sirius. James informed me that Sirius realized he would be too obvious as Secret Keeper, and he wanted no chance in betraying him and Lily. But I would not be guessed as the Secret Keeper. I was to be the one. I agreed before I knew what was happening, I could never say no to James. So the charm was performed, and I had succeeded in my task. James took me aside as Lily hurried into the house to calm a crying Harry. He thanked me, and gave me that smile. I kissed him softly, and told him it was my pleasure. And I betrayed him with my kiss.

The rest is history. I informed the Dark Lord, and watched from a hill as he entered the house in Godric's Hollow. I heard James yell, I heard Lily scream, and then I saw the third flash of light. I waited for the Dark Lord's exit from the house, but it never came. I saw Sirius Black arrive hurriedly, and too late, as he collapsed in the door way, his flying motorcycle abandoned in the yard. I saw Hagrid arrive and take Harry from the house, still very much alive, and take off on Sirius' motorcycle.

Everyone knows the story of the years to follow, of the silver hand I received for my betrayal, the biblical Judas received thirty pieces of silver, I received a silver hand. I am still awaiting the day when I have the courage to hang myself and complete the prophecy of my name.