Learning to Breathe

30 December

She's gone. We didn't even fight, and she's gone. It feels wrong. This is the first night I've spent without her, and I'm not even tired. I have a feeling that I won't be sleeping tonight - or maybe for a while.

Is it supposed to feel this way? I feel... it sounds horrible and cliché, but I feel hollow. Empty. Like half of me is missing. It just feels wrong. I know I wrote that already, but I don't have any other words to describe it.

I can still smell her on the pillow and the sheets, and if I try hard enough, I can almost see her there, too. I tried to lay down, but when I did, I found that I was avoiding contact with her side of the bed. Damn it, it's my bed! She shouldn't have a side!

I know that eventually I'll work through this, just like everything else. But I don't want to work through it, and I don't want her to be gone. I feel stupid and weak for that. Maybe my Father was right; I am a disappointment.

I allowed myself to fall in love, and then I was foolish enough to let her know how strongly I felt. What am I going to do when school starts back and I'm forced to see her at every meal?

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

30 December

He told me he loved me! He told me that he loved me, and I was so happy that I didn't know what to say... so I didn't say anything. And then he started acting funny. I didn't understand why at the time, but since I can't sleep, I've been thinking about it, and I think I understand now. I think he's upset because I didn't say it back to him.

How is it that I always manage to screw everything up so badly? I love him, and I've known that for at least a few days now. So why couldn't I say it back to him? I was afraid of scaring him with my feelings, and in the process, I managed to scare myself right out of saying it at all.

At least Ron isn't here right now to know what's happened; I just don't think I could stand anyone saying they told me so.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

31 December, New Year's Eve

I didn't sleep well last night at all, but I suppose that I expected that to happen. I'm scared - what if I can never get a good night's sleep again without her nearby? I had the house elves come in to change the sheets, but when they tried to change the pillowcase on the pillow she used, I wouldn't let them. Are all men this weak when they fall in love?

A week is all that's left before the term starts back up, and then I have to resume tutoring her in Potions. How am I going to be able to sit in a room with her three times a week, and not touch her? And even worse, how will I ever be able to look her in the eye again?

I have been waiting all day. For what, I'm not sure. Am I waiting for her brother to come in and gloat, or pummel me? Am I waiting for her to come back and tell me that she loves me and wants me, too? Or am I just waiting for my feelings to fade? Because none of those things have happened, and none of them are likely to, either.

I can't help but wonder if she's thinking of me, too, or if she's regretting anything that happened between us. I hope at the very least that she doesn't regret the time we spent together, because I know that I never will. She gave me the strength back that I needed to return to normality, and I will always be grateful to her for that.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

31 December

I miss Draco. I miss his arms around me, I miss the smell of him, and I miss his voice. Ever since I left yesterday, my chest has hurt. My stomach hurts when I think of him, which pretty much means that it hurts all the time, because I haven't stopped thinking of him yet.

Hermione seems happy to have me back in the Tower, and she's done nothing but talk my ears off. Right now she's at dinner with Harry and Ron, so I have a temporary reprieve from her constant nattering. She hasn't mentioned Draco's name, but she tiptoes around the events of the last week.

Ron hasn't asked me about what happened, but for the most part he seems to be glad that I'm back, too. He's acting strangely - he even hugged me this morning. I think I hurt his feelings because I pulled away from him, but I can't help it. It's not my brother's arms that I want around me.

Harry refuses to even look at me, which is just as well. I suppose he feels I've betrayed him, or some other such nonsense. Draco isn't the same person he used to be, and if they knew him, they would understand that. I don't think they want to know, though. There are a lot of things that they prefer to turn a blind eye to.

Blaise stopped by to check on me today. When I asked him how he knew, he said that he'd run into Draco at dinner last night, and they'd talked for a while. It's good that Draco is rebuilding his friendship with Blaise - he's a good guy, and Draco needs someone to talk to.

Blaise asked me if I wanted to do something with him or Susan, but I said no. I don't really feel like seeing anyone right now - especially with it being New Year's Eve. He said he would come back tonight; apparently Dumbledore has arranged to have a small party in the Great Hall for the students who've already come back - which still aren't many, although there are a fair few more than yesterday.

I strongly suspect that Harry, Ron, and Hermione returned to school not because of our interlude in Hogsmeade, but because they couldn't be alone together at home. Mum was probably hovering over them the whole time they were there, and they hate that.

Why is it so hard to understand that I hate people hovering over me, too?

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

The week before term passes in a blur for Draco. Blaise and Susan have visited him twice in his tower before the week is over, and he finds that he is glad to have their company. He starts eating his meals with them in the Great Hall, and because he is eating with them, they opt to share the Hufflepuff's table.

Draco is painfully aware that Ginny is always absent from the Great Hall during mealtimes, and he wonders if she's eating properly. He never sees the trio take her food. He relaxes a bit when he remembers her tickling the pear and sneaking into the kitchens; perhaps she's just going when everyone else is otherwise occupied.

When the term begins, he finds that he's become more of a celebrity than Potter, if that's possible. Everyone wants to know him, and everyone wants to know what happened. People that he knows for a fact have always despised him suddenly seem to want to be his best friends. He wonders vaguely if this is how Potter felt when he started school at Hogwarts.

He manages to make it to all of his classes on time, despite the people who crowd around him in the hallways. When he is on his way to Transfiguration, he thinks that he catches a glimpse of copper colored hair - but when he cranes his neck to get a better view, he sees that it's only the reflection of a torch on the window.

His first few days of classes are exhausting, and not sleeping just makes everything worse. At best, he has managed to get a whopping two hours of sleep per night, and even that isn't all at once. By Thursday evening, he begins to wonder if Ginny has been reassigned to another tutor.

He waits until seven thirty, and when she doesn't show up, he decides to go to the library. He needs to check out some books for his Charms essay that is due Tuesday, and since he has some free time, this is the time to go. When he enters the library, it hits him like an oncoming train. The scent of her perfume is faint, but it lingers in the air.

His heart starts pounding madly as he glances around the room, but to his mingled disappointment and relief, he doesn't see her. He heads towards the section where he needs to look for his books, and suddenly, there she is.

He stops mid-step, frozen in place as he watches her. She is in the small study room that they first met in, and she is sitting at the table with her head bent over something. When he steps closer, he realizes that the door to the study room is slightly ajar. He moves even closer still, and sees that she is frowning over the papers that are scattered across the table.

When he glances down at the book on the table, he sucks in a deep breath. Potions. Is she waiting there for him, he wonders? She's never sent him any kind of notice that she's decided to use the study room again. As soon as this thought enters his mind, his heart sinks. It wasn't until this moment that he realizes that he had been counting on her coming to his tower for their sessions again.

He takes a deep breath and pushes the door to the study room open, and enters. She looks up in surprise, and almost immediately looks back down at her papers, but it is too late. Draco has seen her face; has seen the dark smudges beneath her eyes. They are exacerbated by the fact that her eyes are red and puffy.

He drops his books on the table, and the noise causes her to jump slightly. When he sits down, he can tell that it affects her. She begins to chew on the end of her quill. "So," he says coolly. "What problem is it this week?"

She doesn't reply. Instead she slides a single parchment across the table for him to examine. When he picks it up, he notes that her marks are a bit higher than they were before break, which is surprising to him.

They stay in the room for less than an hour, working silently on her papers. Draco reads through them and either crosses things out or writes comments in the margins. When he is finished with the last parchment, without a word she gathers her things and begins shoving them into her bookbag.

"Tomorrow night, same place, seven o'clock, yeah?" he asks. She nods and disappears through the door, leaving Draco to his own work.

Friday morning dawns dark and grey, and Draco thinks that the weather has somehow attuned itself to his mood. He stands at his window and watches as the snow falls silently on the ground. He has no classes today until after lunch, and that gives him time to be leisurely in his actions this morning.

He skips breakfast, opting instead to take a long shower. When he is finished, he dresses and gathers his books, intent on heading to the library again to get some extra work done. He leaves his tower and heads toward the library, but when he reaches the hallway that leads to the library, his attention is distracted by a commotion in the corridor ahead.

"You've got to snap out of it," Ron demands, his ears turning red in his anger.

"Why don't you just leave me the hell alone?" Ginny snaps. She can feel her cheeks burning as they turn red, and she knows that her eyes are hard and unforgiving.

"I'm tired of seeing you mope around! For Merlin's sake, it was just Malfoy!"

"How dare you," Ginny seethes. Draco peeks around the corner, curious to know what's going on. He notes that Granger and Potter are not present, and that Ginny's brother seems to have cornered her alone. "You don't know anything about him, so you have no right to talk about him like that!"

"I know enough," he says, his ears red. "I remember how he's always treated us, even if you don't!"

"He's different now," Ginny protests, her hands on her hips.

"He is, is he? He's different enough that he's taken what he wanted from you, and then tossed you aside when he was finished?"

Ginny's eyes narrow just before her palm connects with his left cheek. An angry red welt rises on his face in the shape of her handprint, and she is strangely satisfied by it. Her palm stings from the force of the blow.

"Go to hell, Ronald." With that, she turns and walks down the corridor in the opposite direction. Draco watches as Ron touches a hand to the stricken cheek, then mutters something under his breath before disappearing into the library.

Draco finds that no matter how hard he tries, he can't seem to make his feet move. He wants to follow her and ask her why she's taking up for him when they're not together anymore. He thinks it strange that he almost sympathizes with her brother; he has experienced her wrath first hand, and he wouldn't wish it on anyone (except maybe Potter).

His hand is gripping the corner so tightly that his knuckles are white. He is confused, and he is hurting. His head is reeling from what he's witnessed, and he isn't sure what to make of it. When he finally pries himself away from the wall, he heads down the corridor in the same direction that she went.

His expensive shoes clack against the floor, echoing through the empty hallway as he walks. He doesn't know where she went, but at times he can catch the slightest whiff of her perfume, and he knows that he's heading in the right direction somehow. He follows the scent until he turns the corner and finds himself standing face to face with her.

They stare at each other silently, and he notices that her cheeks are damp. She has obviously been crying, and he guesses that it's because of her fight with her brother. Her lower lip is trembling, and the hand that's clutching the strap of her bookbag is shaking.

"What are you doing here?" she asks quietly.

"I don't know," he admits, frowning. Why did he follow her? He hadn't intended to meet her and speak to her, he knows that. "And why should I have to explain it to you, anyway?"

"You don't," she says, her expression closing off again. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get to class." She starts to move past him, but his hand shoots out and grabs her arm, spinning her around to face him.

"Who do you think you are, dismissing me like this?" he asks angrily. "I've done nothing wrong to you to make you treat me this way."

"Treat you what way?" she asks, trying to shake her arm free of his grasp. "Now let me go! I have to get to potions, and I don't exactly fancy Snape's detentions!"

"I'll let you go when I'm damn good and ready!" Without warning, he bends and presses his mouth roughly to hers. She begins to struggle almost immediately, but her heart is not into her fight, and she gradually melts in his arms.

The moment that she relaxes, he feels it. He revels in it. Her hands are around his neck, pulling him closer. His tongue is plundering her mouth, claiming her as his. His head is spinning as he touches her; one hand is on the small of her back, and the other hand is clutching the back of her head, holding her to him.

"Is there a reason that you see fit to keep my pupil from her class, Mister Malfoy?" a soft voice asks. Draco and Ginny jump apart, and they are both equally horrified to see Snape in front of them.

"I'm sorry, sir," Draco says quickly, stepping in front of Ginny. "I forced her."

"You most certainly did not," she snaps, pushing him out of the way. Snape watches the exchange with detached interest.

"Would you shut up?" he hisses, his eyes narrowing. "Don't give him an excuse to-"

"I do not need you to protect me, Draco Malfoy! I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself!"

"As interesting as this is," Snape murmurs silkily. "I believe that both of you are late for class. Twenty points from Gryffindor, and get going, before I decide to take more."

Ginny shoots a glare at Draco before grabbing her bag and taking off in the direction of the potions classroom. When she has disappeared from sight, Snape arches an eyebrow at Draco.

"Have you joined Gryffindor house, Mister Malfoy?"

"Absolutely not, Sir," Draco says, sneering slighty. "That's preposterous."

"Is it?" Snape asks, sounding interested. "I don't think it's as outrageous as you seem to think. After all, you've just tried to sacrifice yourself for your girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend," Draco says hotly. Snape doesn't answer, and leaves with his robes billowing behind him. Draco heads back to his room, deciding to skive off his Transfiguration class in order to get ready for their tutoring session later on in the evening.