Fortuna's Bitter Smile

The Forbidden Forest

Remus Lupin had wandered all day through the Forbidden Forest. After the battle he had fled into the soothing green coolness of the trees, not ready for any kind of celebration. He needed some time on his own.

And now there was this boy on the clearing in front of him. He was sitting on a stone in the last rays of the evening sun. Lupin considered to back away, but the teacher in him felt responsible for the lost boy. The boy looked up when he heard someone approaching him.

“ Professor Lupin! Thank god it is you !“

“Whom did you expect?”

“Oh, well, I got lost and I’m so afraid of all the wild beasts that are rumored to live here.”

“You got lost?”

The boy started to weep silently. “ I..., I ran away during the battle. I’m such a coward. Oh, you wouldn’t understand it.”

Lupin frowned. “ You are Colin Creevy, aren’t you?”

The boy nodded.

“What is it that you think I wouldn’t understand?”

“ The fear! I’m in Gryffindor, I should be brave, shouldn't I ! ”

Lupin shook his head slowly. Cowardice had nothing to do with the Hogwarts houses. He himself was the best example. Cowardice was also found in Gryffindor. In contrast to his own feelings he said, “there is no need for everyone to be a hero, Colin. Many people are afraid of fights. It doesn’t mean you are a coward.”

“ But I should have helped my friends. I..., I saw those people dying, and I did nothing to help them.”

Lupin looked to the treetops. So much like him. He had let down his friends in the face of danger, too. Twice. Lily and James had died because he had refused to be their Secret Keeper. And Sirius had died only this morning, because he had refused to accompany him when he went off to search Harry.
Angry and helpless he slammed his fist hard into his thigh. Twice.

“Do I disgust you, Professor?”

“What?”

“I mean, you are such a brave man, knowing all about Defense against the Dark Arts and such. I’m so ashamed that you tried to teach me all those spells, and ... and today I couldn’t use any of them.”

Well, not such a brave man, Lupin continued with his self-accusations. Once Dumbledore had told him never to let his werewolf condition stop him from anything he wanted to do. And yet he had used it twice as an excuse. He had backed out of the Secret Keeper spell because of it. And today he had told Sirius, that he was afraid Voldemort could somehow put him under an Imperius curse and use him against his friends. What a lame excuse. Had he gone with Sirius, he would be still alive.

“No, don’t think that. You don’t have to be ashamed of your fear.” But I do, Lupin wanted to add. How was he supposed to comfort a student, when he was hardly able to control his own feelings? He was guilty of Sirius death, as much as he was guilty of James and Lily’s death.

To his great annoyance Colin continued to tell him about his view of todays events.

“ You know, I was standing right next to Professor Sprout when the Death Eater attacked her. I saw him approaching her from behind, but I just could not warn her. I couldn’t say anything. You know, I ... I wetted myself, but I couldn’t move.” The boy indicated the still dark spots on his robe. His nose started to run.

I should hand him a handkerchief, the adult in Lupin observed. But all Lupin wanted to do was run away from the brat, run away into the woods.

"Do you know what taedium vitae means?" he asked the boy.

"Huh?"

"Nevermind, child."

An unpleasant thought suddenly crossed Lupin's mind and he checked the sky. It had become dark, and it was only a matter of minutes until the full moon would rise.

“ Listen, Colin, I have to go now. “

“Ok.”

“ You can’t come with me! If you go straight into that direction, you will get to Hogwarts.”

Horror surfaced on Colin’s blotchy face. “ What do you mean? Do I have to go there alone?”

Lupin nodded.

“ But, ....but why? Why can’t you come with me? It’s dangerous here in the forest! I’m so afraid of the dark!”
You better are, thought Lupin. He already felt a familiar itching crawl up his spine; only minutes until he would become a werewolf.

He shouted at the boy: “Go back to the castle, Colin. NOW!”

It only intimidated him further. With a yelp Colin grabbed his sleeve. “ No, don’t leave me alone, professor!”

Panic clouded Lupin’s brain. He had get as far away from the boy as possible.

“ Let go, stupid child!” He shouted, and struggled to free his arm from the boys steely grip. Every second was counting now.

Finally he managed to fight the boy off. Without having a second look at Colin, Lupin ran into the forest.

A minute later the sharp ears of a wolf lying in the underbrush picked up a desperate voice behind him. “ Professor! Where are you? I can’t see you anymore!” Each word was followed by a heartbreaking sob. Slowly the animal got up and went towards the voice. Lupin’s human mind fought every single step, but he couldn’t stop the wolf from walking towards the clearing.

And then the wolf stood at the edge of the thicket. In the bright moonlight he could see Colin in the center of the clearing. He made a hesitant step into the meadow.

Now the boy could see him, too.

For a moment they stood there facing each other in silence. Lupin could see the terror in Colin’s eyes, smell his fear.
He stood rooted to the spot, the human mind still able to control the wolf. All he could do was stare at the boy.

He had been in this situation before, ages ago, facing another horror-struck boy in school-robes, only that his scarf had been green and silver, not yellow and red like Colin’s. The other boy had had the wits and the self-control to slowly back away from the wolf in the tunnel, avoiding every hasty movement. And still. In the very last moment, when James at the trapdoor above them had pulled him up to safety, the wolf had attacked. He had only been able to tear off a patch of the boy’s robe, and he could remember how he had angrily ripped the fabric to pieces during that night.

A sudden movement of the boy in the clearing brought his attention back to the presence. Colin turned and ran shrieking into the forest.

In this moment Lupin lost his fight with the wolf. The running feet where the last stimulus the wolf’s mind needed to take over. Lupin charged to the edge of the forest where Colin had disappeared.

He saw him running in front of him.
He could smell the urine, the fear and the sweat, he could see the whirling legs, he could hear the body braking through the twigs.

The boy was reduced to a prey.

And Lupin became the predator, hunting it down.
Adrenaline rushed through his veins when he came closer to his victim with every leap.

And then he hurled himself against the back of the prey, making it stumble and fall. It cried out in fear- an inhuman sound. The cry died down to a choking sound when the wolf buried his fangs in its throat. Pleasure washed over the wolf with an intensity Lupin, the man, had never experienced.

And yet he felt anger. About the world in general and about the human smell of his prey in particular. Furiously the wolf began to tear at the robes until the fabric gave way to his attacks. Some threads got caught behind his teeth and cut into his gum, but he didn’t care in his fury.

When he had shredded every piece of clothing he could find, the bare skin was visible. His anger was replaced with satisfaction when he savagely sunk his teeth into the body in front of him. He could feel the flesh tear, and then he tasted the metallic saltiness of the blood running down his throat. The wolf felt overwhelming joy, which slowly faded to hate again.
Anew he attacked the flesh to feel the thrilling satisfaction once more.

In blind ecstasy the wolf was biting down into the bloodied body repeatedly, unable to stop. Lupin, the human, would have had a word for this- bloodlust, but the wolf only followed his ferocious urge.

The wolf’s feelings changed in a rapid sequence now- anger, satisfaction, joy. He sank his fangs into his prey again and again and again as long as the night lasted.

It was the wolf’s first kill.

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