Severus Snape: 'Till Suicide Told Me Love Wasn't Worth It

Maybe there is one thing one must forget yet they can't. They won't. For their minds refuse the admittance of a vacuum to emit all their fears, deepest desires, and all the little things that clutter one's mind.

This was one of the things that I feared above all. And I knew one day everything would come crashing down on me and make me go crazy.

Is there but not one thing a person can do in Hogwarts without the Headmaster finding out? At least I tried...and quite frankly, I don't regret my choice. I stand by my reasons, and no matter what anyone else says contrary, I will ceremoniously reject their efforts to reconcile me with the present, the future. For all I know, the only future I see for myself is this bed that I lay in right now.

This very bed named 'beddy' that may just become my best friend over time. Oh lookie, it's already got me naming it. See how over time one learns to deal with their situation? No. Actually, that would be my overdone sarcasm overtaking my mind and making me come up with ridiculous excuses for appreciating and actually god-forbid loving this world I have been thrown into to suffer.

There is one thing I wish above all, and that is to be left alone. Well enough alone so that my thoughts won't collide with the very world that causes me to think so deeply and wishfully. Is there but one thing I want and am refused? It would definitely be the sympathy that gets thrown in my direction by all the staff continuously, on a daily basis it seems. And I want it gone. Totally and utterly removed from my presence.

I tell them I'm fine, that I will get better and I grit my teeth as I say all these fibs, but it's the only way to get rid of the snarky little gossipers. Talk all you want, I don't care. Honestly, don't you think I get this enough with all my students? And as a student, I was treated the very same way... 'Bastard Snape', 'Cold Bat Snape', 'Snape the Vamp', 'Hey! Let's play Exploding 'Snape'!'

Yes, I've heard every derivative of my name in use with all the possible cruel words that surround it constantly. And yes, I do act like a cold unfeeling bastard on purpose. How else would I get rid of everyone?

But now that I look back on it, I realize there was always one person who I could count on. And then I remember she's dead, long gone and never to appear again in this world. She was the one I turned to as a child, and yet I now am finally grieving over her death, at the very moment I'd most appreciate her existence in this world.

Oh, how I loathe to admit the fact that I am in love with the very person who brought me to this bed. The fact remains that love and trust do not mix well. Nor do misleading actions.

She should have known not to lead me along and then break my heart by doing what she wouldn't with me, to the one boy I hate the most. It's like history repeating itself. Indeed, how ironic life proves to be every minute I waste, alive to witness all of it.

Lily had done the same to me as Hermione Granger has now done.

Lily with James and Hermione with Harry.

Will the irony every leave me be?

I fear, this bed will be the beginning of a new me. One that will have to remain as cold as possible, but with the mere ability to rid everyone of any sympathy before it reaches a peak. That would be the newest addition to my multitude of personalities. Ranging from cold manipulative bastard, to the newest, cold unfeeling, unappreciative, unwanted bastard that loves yet another that refuses to reciprocate any mutual feelings.

How I wish she were here, and with me. To hold me, to tell me all will get better. But no. She too was taken, and yet my mother was the only one I knew to trust and forgive. The only one who could have saved me from trying to take my life in my own two hands and try to rid myself from this world that hates me so much.

Really, if everyone hated me as much as I thought, they would not leave me well enough alone. Or is this another example of my faulting logic? Perhaps it is due to the chance that my jump from the Astronomy Tower caused more damage to me than just paralyzing my whole body from neck down.

I hate to love, yet I regret when I don't.

That is my one regret.

Not loving enough.

Trust me to create my own havoc and demise.

[end]