Thinking Back

Chapter 1: Nightmares

His palms felt clammy as he raised his wand. Somehow he couldn´t do it, couldn´t, but he had to. He heard voices around him. Voices. Everywhere. "Do it!" They called. He looked down at his wand and then up at the struggling boy. For a moment, their eyes met and Draco could not do it.

"Perhaps the boy needs a lesson, Lucius?" He heard a cold voice hiss. He gasped; he couldn´t take any more torture. Had to do it. Had to. The only way. Trying not to look into the other boy´s eyes, he raised his wand slowly. "Crucio!" He choked out.

The other boy cried out with pain. His body shook and trembled. His eyes rolled back into his head and his face wore an expression of pure terror.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Draco awoke in his own bed, in his own flat. He gasped for breath as he worked to steady himself. It had been a dream, a nightmare. There was no torturing, no Potter, but that wasn´t really true was it? There was torturing. There was Potter. It had all happened so long a time ago. Draco hadn´t thought about everything in years and yet a few weeks ago, the dreams had started again. The nightmares, as clear as the day that it had actually happened.

He walked to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. While walking back to bed, Draco stopped to examine himself in his mirror in the corner of the room. He stared at his reflection, wondering if he would ever forgive himself for the things he had done, if he ever could forgive himself. At the ripe ago of 27, Draco stood tall, taller than his father. There were dark bags under his eyes from lack of sleep the last couple of weeks. His blonde hair, usually slicked back, looked unruly and unkempt. "You looked tired scruffy!" The mirror barked at him. Draco rolled his eyes.

His thoughts wandered back to the nightmares. Why was he having them? Why were they reoccurring? Draco sat on his bed and thought back to everything. He didn´t want to relive the events of long ago, but he felt he had no choice. He felt he deserved it.

~*~*~

Seventh year at Hogwarts was considered the best. Top of the school, classes were actually interesting, and there was the thought of life after Hogwarts. A freedom, in which magic could be used at one´s leisure and a career could be chosen based on one´s interests. Draco had always longed for the freedom that the outside of Hogwarts brought and when seventh year rolled around, he felt more giddy than ever to leave the place that had kept him prison for seven long years.

Draco´s seventh year was a time of great chaos, for the Dark Lord was gaining power and followers. It was said that everyday he grew stronger and everyday the light side grew weaker. Draco had never thought much about his future. He knew a lot of it was already planned out, had been planned out since the day he was born. Being the son of a Death Eater, he knew he was expected to follow in his father´s footsteps and that was fine with him. Draco wanted so much to follow Voldemort, to be a part of it all, to be in the action, to have power, to be someone. It had never occurred to him, to NOT join the dark side. It was always a thing he was supposed to do, a thing he wanted to do, and a thing he had to do.

Though Draco was eager to become a Death Eater, his father was not ready to let him become one. In numerous letters, Lucius had stated that he could not possibly become a Death Eater when Dumbledore lurked, like an omniscient being, knowing everything that went on in his school.

Draco had never imagined the consequences of such choices that he had made as a teenager. Never thought to consider that he could be wrong. So when his father sent an urgent owl saying that Draco could become a Death Eater, only because every member they could get was needed, Draco jumped at his chance.

Draco had been able to Apparate since the past summer, a skill his father thought necessary if he wished to follow in his footsteps. So illegally, he had gotten training and illegally he could now Apparate. He was happy he had learned, as it would most likely be needed now that he was going to be a Death Eater at Hogwarts. Everyday Draco awaited more news of what was to become of him and finally he was rewarded with a letter.

He could remember the day he had gotten the letter from Voldemort himself like it was yesterday.

It had been a normal enough day. Draco had gone to classes with his best friends, Crabbe and Goyle. He had encountered Potter and his two sidekicks and knocked him down a peg. It was always satisfying to Draco to make people angry and cause them embarrassment. To see Potter´s face contort with fury, to see Weasley´s ears turn red when he made a crack on his family and to see Granger bow her head solemnly whenever he called her a Mudblood. Those three were way too full of themselves for their own good and Draco had taken it upon himself to make sure Potter´s head never got too big.

After dinner, Draco had gone up to find his eagle owl, Raptor, waiting, a letter attached to his leg. Wondering what his father wanted now, Draco untied the letter and examined it closely. He could tell it was not from his father. His name was written on the parchment in a blood red ink and with a thrill of foreboding, he ripped it open. Draco scanned the paper quickly.

Mr. Malfoy,

Lucius had informed me of your eagerness to join my ranks. Of course one may not join without the proper initiation. You will be present at a meeting three weeks from today. There you will become one of us. Lucius will be informing you of time and place the day before the meeting. Fail to show and you might suddenly find that you fail to live.

L.V.

Draco gulped, wondering what he had gotten himself into. What initiation would he be made to face? Perhaps they would do something to him, or ask something of him? A Muggle killing perhaps? He shook his head to clear his thoughts. He would find nothing out by musing. He would just have to wait and be patient.