Shared Sadness

Shared sadness Ch 3

Remus' Point of view

I don't know how or why we found ourselves overlooking the castle. Tonks had thrown a concealing charm over us as we hovered on our broomsticks a short distance from the ground. We had both been very concerned about Harry, and something compelled her to visit now.

As we arrived, the concealment shrouding us, I spotted him. Nicholas. I breathed in sharply and Tonks gripped my arm.

"Remus?"

The tenderness in her voice was almost my undoing. I breathed deeply and closed my eyes. Some days it was just so very hard. I looked at them for just a moment before averting my gaze.

"I know," I allowed, "He looks just like his father. As does Harry. My best friends embodied in their sons. My best friends. Gone." I gave her a long look, knowing that she, as well as the others, was worried about my moods and grief.

I had to reassure her. She had so much on her mind... "I understand, Tonks. I have accepted this. In reality, we barely had him back." One of her arms began to wind around me before I pulled away and flew a short distance away from her. My chest was heaving and, though it was silly, I didn't want her to see the depth of my grief. Even though we were dating, it seemed...an invasion of sorts. My feelings for Sirius were mine and too private for anyone, even the woman I loved as much as I had loved the great big black dog, my lover, my friend.

She followed me, relentless to offer comfort for the moment. As Harry and Nicholas sparred, her hand reached out to grip mine and, instead of flying away, I returned her tentative touch, trying to convey a wordless apology, but her mind was elsewhere.

"I hadn't seen him for years." Her breath offered a speck of warmth for my cold heart and I latched onto that. "But he looks so much like his father, Remus." She faltered and met my eyes slowly. "I miss him so bloody much. I never really even had him like my mum did. He was one of the good ones, Remus, and now he's gone. And I got cheated yet again."

I nodded and offered comfort this time, taking her hand between mine. There wasn't much I could say and I had demons of my own lurking in the darkness.

"It must have been so hard," she continued, "Telling Nicholas. So many lost opportunities." Her gaze sharpened on me. "You do intend to stay a part of his life, Remus."

It wasn't a question that I wanted to answer at the moment. Though I knew that I had a responsibility to Nicholas, it was so blasted hard to look at him, knowing that Sirius was gone and that he never had a chance to know his father. And knowing my own secrets, my own losses, my own lost opportunities.

"As much as my heart allows, Tonks."

I was rarely this open with anyone. All too young, I had learned to hide my soul from the arrogance and cruelty of humanity. But Tonks...she was different. If I had a soulmate, she was it. Her acceptance of me was unconditional, her love boundless. I allowed that love to coat me like a healing balm, never letting Harry's anguish penetrate my soul.

It hurt too much to watch them and I found myself turning my attention to the woman sitting astride her broom. "I think I need to go. I can't stay and bear witness to their pain." The little voice inside me whispered that it was my own selfish pain that drove me away, my own guilt, but I pushed that aside, committing each young man's face to memory and comparing their looks with those of their fathers.

As the boys drank below us, I soared above the castle. For the briefest of moments, my eyes rested on Headmaster Dumbledore observing the sons of James and Sirius. I turned my broom and touched down on a hill a short distance away. Tonks landed beside me gracefully and pulled me into her arms.

"I miss him so much, Remus. I won't let this opportunity go away." She snuffled against my shirt and my arms wound around her. She hadn't known Sirius as I had, but she was family in a different way than I'd ever been. Couple that with her bond to Nicholas and I knew that she was feeling torn between her emotions just as I was.

Harry's voice traveled some distance to reach our ears and I felt Tonks flinch in my arms.

"They'll heal." My statement sounded weak to myself and I knew that I didn't have the strength in me to convince her, to soothe her. It was all I could do to keep in control myself.

"I'm sure they will. After all..." I trailed off. Now was not the time to share what I knew, what I felt could never happen.

"Will they?" She pushed at my chest before staring off in the distance.

"They will...it will just take time, Tonks," I assured, "Who knows? Maybe one day they'll be close friends."

"Time, they have. Parental authority has been stripped from them before they even got the chance to know it." She turned to me suddenly. "Like it was for many of us. Curse him, Remus. Curse him and his followers for taking away so many. We have to find a way to destroy him for good."

I nodded silently, knowing...well, I couldn't tell her what I knew. It could upset the balance of everything. "I didn't want it to be this way, Tonks." Her approval meant so much to me...I had to tell her something. "You and I...we'll be a part of his life. Of both of their lives. An important part... I'll see to it that we don't lose this." I trailed off, unable to assure her beyond these words. All the pieces had to fall into place and some key ones were still missing...or might no longer exist.

No, that I could not deal with! I let out a huge sigh, very aware of my own cross to bear.

"Never forget."

"Remus?" Tonks' voice startled me. I turned to give her a small smile of reassurance.

"Don't worry, I'm fine." I squeezed her hand. "I promise. They'll be fine. As will we." I reached for her and wrapped her in my embrace. "Shall we go?"

Tonks looked as if she wanted to say something, but just gave me a small smile and touched me tenderly. "You'll tell me your secret when you can. Until then, I'll wait."