Shared Sadness

Shared Sadness

Chapter One

Point-of-view of a young man, late teens

I had been watching him for some time now. I couldn’t have guessed how long I stood immobile, watching the boy who so many adored and who so many violently hated. I would not have wished to trade places with him right now if someone had paid me a thousand galleons.

It had not made the papers. Either the Order or the Ministry had squelched any news of it. It would have made a juicy tale. The evil murdering bastard finally vanquished. It made me sick!

Remus brought me the news days later. He and I both knew that he had been avoiding telling me this devastating news. Excuses had been made, apologies given. I forgave him immediately. How does a man tell someone that their life has been inexplicably altered? How does a man shatter another person’s hopes?

I didn’t envy Remus either. I had tried to owl him for the last few months, but every missive was returned unopened. He must have been in his own private hell. We all had regrets but his were perhaps among the strongest, among the longest lasting. How could a man lose his best friends one by one? It had to have scarred him deeply.

The lone wolf stood solitary, hunched and mournful. His loneliness wrapped around him forever.

I shook my head in annoyance. I had not come here to ruminate about Remus. I had a more symbolic reason for being here. I had to lay my heart to rest. Remus had told me to go to Hogwarts, that Dumbledore would not make trouble for me. He knew what I had learned and what would never be recognized and understood my need to lay this to rest.

Slowly, I made my way to the main castle where the boy a few years my junior sat. His hand found the inlaid plaque of a giant dog and rubbed it absently. I could see the silvery sheen of tears on his cheeks and wondered if I should be intruding for a moment. Those thoughts quickly left me as I remembered my purpose. A deep breath helped to cleanse my mind and ease the agonizing pain in my chest.

I made my way closer, step by plodding step. Each one I took seemed to increase the tightness, the grief that threatened to overcome me. When I reached the stone steps, I could only sag boneless down next to the boy who lovingly stroked the plaque of remembrance.

“What do you want here? Go away!” his voice was needlessly harsh. I knew not if it was driven by pain or protection but in a strange way I understood. We were kindred. Our pain made us one.

I swallowed hard past the lump of pure agony in my throat. “I wanted to pay tribute to him.” My gesture toward the plaque was cut off as the boy stood and whirled toward me. He was tall and regal as he pulled his wand out and just for a moment I wondered what it would be like to be him

“I don’t know you and you haven’t any right to be here!” He waved the wand around to punctuate a point, but otherwise did not threaten me with it. “Leave me alone. Just go away!” His voice quavered and tears threatened to fall again, washing his cheeks with their shimmer.

I felt a rush of guilt at seeing him in this state and turned away to give him time to compose himself. I needed time to get my emotions under control as well. When I turned back moments later he looked defeated, his wand hanging loosely at his side.

“I’m not here to bother you,” I began, my voice threatening to break. “I’m here to honor him.” My hand shook as I gestured to the plaque. “I won’t bother you but I…. need a moment. Will you give a stranger that, Harry?”

He jumped guiltily when he realized that I knew his name but said nothing, preferring to scan the horizon. I had my moment but now that the time was near, I had no idea what to say and I just couldn’t bring myself to speak what was in my heart with Harry Potter nearby.

After minutes of struggling for the words, I finally pulled a flask out of my robes. “To you, Sirius Black. May you never be forgotten. May those that loved you never regret a moment spent with you.” I downed two gulps of the single malt whiskey that Remus had told me was his favorite and soundlessly offered the flask to Harry.

Harry stared at the flask for a few moments, no doubt worried that I might have put a potion in with the alcohol. As he watched me, he slowly brought the flask to his lips and knocked back a healthy swallow. His eyes watered and he coughed slightly but otherwise he seemed to handle the liquor well.

“It was his favorite,” I explained. “Remus told me where to find his favorite whiskey. I wanted….” There were so many things to say but I lacked the words.

Harry’s eyes narrowed as I mentioned Remus but he didn’t speak for a long time. We stood watching each other, his green eyes meeting my dark blue. As if we mirrored each other, we both shoved our dark hair away from our eyes. The too-famous scar marred his forehead. I flushed and looked away, ashamed for thinking that I wanted to be him for one moment.

Harry Potter had not had an easy life. Yes, he had possessed the thing that I had most desired, but he had suffered for that in many ways. I wouldn’t want to be him.

Minutes passed. He tried to read something in my gaze that was not there and when he could not, his expression again turned hostile. I purposely made myself conceal the pain that I felt, the longing and ache deep inside me. I couldn’t share it with him, not now, maybe not ever.

“You’ve done what you came here to do.” His voice rang out. “Now go! Leave! You don’t belong here! Who are you to him? Why did you come here?”

I turned away and began walking down the path. When I was a half-dozen steps away, I gazed back at him and swallowed hard, letting the emotion spill forth. “My name is Nicholas Black. He was my father, though he never knew about me and we never met.”

The words hung in the air for a few moments before I turned and began walking away from Harry. Tears streamed down my face every step of the way.