Tonight's Special Guest

An interview with Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Tom Felton and Daniel Radcliffe.

Host: Good evening, tonight we have four very special guests, all hailing from the hit series Harry Potter.

Malfoy: Stupid git, having a whole series named after himself.

Harry: Shut up, Malfoy.

Host: Special thanks to Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy for taking time out of their very busy and tight schedule from the seventh and final installment of the Potter Series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Also here tonight are their on-screen counterparts, Tom Felton, who portrays Draco Malfoy, and Daniel Radcliffe, who portrays Harry Potter. Welcome everyone.

(Various greetings of hello from the four, except for Draco who lounges in his chair looking particularly bored and put off).

Host: So, Harry, how do you feel Daniel portrays you in the films?

Harry: Alright, I suppose. He's a bit shorter than I am but that's alright. But I thought he was fantastic in the fourth film.

Daniel: Thanks.

Harry: But there was a bit more to that graveyard scene. I will say that.

Malfoy scoffs audibly and shoots Harry a filthy look.

Daniel: Well, we had to cut a lot for the film, given the breadth of the books...

Malfoy: Breadth? Did you actually just say breadth?

Daniel: Yes.

Malfoy: Who the fuck says breadth?

Harry: Leave him alone, Malfoy, you stupid filthy git.

Host: Draco, any thoughts on Tom's portrayal of you?

Malfoy: [surveys Tom casually and shrugs] He's all right, I guess. Decent looking, tall, could use some work on how he talks though. I have a much more aristocratic air about me. But he's fine, I 'spose.

Tom: [looks confused] Thanks.

Host: Now, Tom, I understand that you got cut quite a bit from the last film.

Tom: Yeah I did, I filmed loads more than what appeared on screen.

Malfoy: A load of bollocks; why didn't they just explicitly state 'Draco Malfoy will not be appearing in this film?'

Tom: Well that's not necessary. I mean, you have to understand time constraints and such...

Malfoy: Oh sit there and defend those bastards....

Tom: I'm not...

Daniel: All Tom's trying to say is...

Malfoy: Fuck off, shorty.

Harry: Why don't you go fuck yourself, Malfoy?

Malfoy: (standing) Come on, Potter, bring it on you filthy Mudblood loving...

Host: (separating the two) Boys please! Sit down, this is live you know.

Malfoy: Oh, I bet Potter loves that.

Host: Alright, Tom and Daniel, obviously your counterparts have issues with one another, how do you two get on?

Tom: Fine.

Daniel: Yeah, no animosity

Tom: We definitely don't hate each other, we get on really well.

Malfoy: Great! Just great! I bet you two make out in your spare time as well! What kind of sick universe is this?

Harry: For the love of god, Malfoy...will you please...

Tom: There's absolutely no making out between us.

Daniel: No, no, no, no, no, no; none at all.

Host: Harry, I understand there's a fair bit of concern over your fate; namely everyone wants to know whether or not you die in the final installment. Do you?

Harry: Sorry?

Host: Do you die in the final installment?

Harry: [pinches and pokes himself] I'm alive now, aren't I?

Malfoy: For now.

Host: Daniel? Any predictions?

Daniel: I've thought all along Harry's going to die, it just makes sense.

Malfoy: I like him better already.

Harry: [waves arms] Helllloooo still very much alive! See?

Tom: Yeah it does, it fits well with the plot, where I think it's going to go.

Host: Harry and Draco, can either of you disclose anything that happens in the next book?

Harry: Well, no of course not.

Malfoy: Are you really that daft? Did you just ask that?

Host: [Turning to Tom and Dan] Did either of you contact Harry or Draco when preparing for your role?

Tom: No; well I tried, but he never got back to me.

Malfoy: Well excuse me if I was too busy carrying on my own affairs and unable to return your calls, Felton!

Tom: I got pretty much everything I needed from reading the books, so it wasn't hard because JK's a brilliant writer.

Malfoy: Yeah and I had nothing to do with that at all...

Harry: I swear to god, Malfoy...

Host: Daniel? Any contact with Harry before filming began?

Daniel: No. I remember when we first met he looked a bit put out that I didn't have dark enough hair or green eyes.

Harry: Well my eyes are my most important feature; I would've thought they'd've gotten that right at least.

Daniel: I tried contacts, but I had this allergic reaction to them, made my eyes swell....

Malfoy: Want some cheese with that whine, Radcliffe?

Harry: I can't take your mouth anymore, Malfoy!

Malfoy: Too fucking bad, Potter, you agreed to this same as me, so shut it.

Host: Tom, I notice you're a fair bit nicer than Draco. How is it you do such a good job portraying him?

Tom: I dunno, really. I suppose I just keep a lot of anger built up for months and months and just let it out on screen. It's not too horribly stressful for me to get into character because if there's one emotion that's relatively easy to tap into at any given moment, it's anger and jealousy.

Malfoy: Excuse me?

Harry: Did he stutter?

Malfoy: You actually think I'm jealous of this filthy friend of the Mudbloods?

Tom: Yeah, I do. Why else would you take so much time insulting him or taking the effort to show him up?

Daniel: Good point.

Malfoy: Because he's a disgrace to the wizarding world, fraternizing with the blood traitor Weasley family and consorting with Muggles.

Daniel: Did you just say consorting?

Malfoy: So?

Daniel: Who the fuck says consorting?

Malfoy: Fuck off.

Harry: You fuck off, Malfoy and make all our lives better.

Tom: That's such a well thought out and well rounded argument, Draco. It's amazing I never understood the complexity of your character.

Malfoy: Well you've also never seen indoor snow before. Honestly, who has seen indoor snow?

Host: Alright, alright onto something else. Harry, we all learned in the last book that you and Ginny dated briefly, but then broke up. How is that going now?

Harry: We're friends.

Host: Any plans of getting back together?

Harry: No comment.

Host: Draco, you and Pansy seemed to get cozy..

Malfoy: I guess.

Host: Any romance there?

Malfoy: That's none of your fucking business.

Host: Daniel, how do you feel about the future course of your character's love life?

Daniel: It's alright I guess. I never thought Harry'd end up with Ginny...

Harry: And you also thought I'd be dead by now...

Daniel: But that's fine, whatever.

Host: Who do you think Harry should end up with?

Daniel: I've always liked the idea of Harry with Luna...

Malfoy: Luna Lovegood? Are you fucking kidding me? Potter, your counterpart wants you to hook up with Loony Lovegood?

Harry: Goddamn it, Malfoy!

Host: Tom, any preference for your character?

Tom: I guess I'm stuck with Pansy as that's the only one JK's mentioned. But I think Hermione might do Draco some good...

Malfoy: Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me? [stands] Oh no, I can't stand for this! Unacceptable.

Daniel: I like that idea!

Malfoy: Oh well you would wouldn't you? It's a good thing you aren't a fortune teller or else you'd make a miserable living.

Daniel: Emma would freak though.

Tom: [laughs] She would!

Daniel: Do you think we could get JK to write that? As a dream sequence or something?

Tom: We could try.

Malfoy: If you do that I'll kill myself off and put you [points to Tom] out of a job.

Harry: Unfortunately you wouldn't have to kill yourself, Malfoy because she'd never agree to it!

Malfoy: Oh my heart is broken! The filthy Mudblood doesn't want me! Too bad that basilisk didn't get her second year...

Harry: That's it, I've had it! [he punches Malfoy and the two have a fistfight while Tom and Daniel quickly move off camera].

Host: That's all for tonight, thanks to our guests Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy [off screen bangs and curses increas] Tom and Daniel! Goodnight!