Candles in the Rain

Lay Down (Candles In the Rain)

lyrics by Melanie Safka

Lay down, lay it down, lay it all down

Let your white birds smile up

At the ones who stand and frown

In the end, of course, James left him. He'd known it was going to happen, because Lily had hurt James's pride, and that meant James had to have her. He'd known it from the day James came back to the flat and announced, "That Evans bird thinks she's going to be an Auror." And Sirius had snorted and said, "What d'you mean, thinks?" And Peter just laughed, because he thought everything James said was witty. But Remus had stayed quiet, and allowed himself to sink further into the cushion on the couch, and thought carefully of nothing at all.

And when James's tongue was in his mouth later, and Remus's hands were in James's hair, he'd told himself it didn't matter.

Lay down, lay it down, lay it all down

Let your white birds smile up

At the ones who stand and frown

But of course it mattered. Remus was in love with James--how could anyone not be in love with James? He denied it when Peter asked him, because Remus could not have borne it if Peter pitied him. But Sirius didn't ask; he just looked at Remus with that expression on his face, and it became very obvious from Remus's painful silence.

He tried to be grateful that Peter was kept busy as a very junior clerk at Gringotts, and Sirius was off being Unspeakable--giving Remus and James a great deal of time alone at the flat. He tried to savour these moments, because James had suddenly quit talking about that Evans bird, and Remus knew him well enough to know that meant something. This would be their last season together, and whether it was days or weeks or even months away, the ending was coming. So he tried to be grateful that the others were away so often, but what that really meant was they had an occupation and Remus didn't, because his blood was tainted. Not the proper taint of Muggle blood, but the hideous taint of lycanthropy.

It was the feeling of uselessness, not the fact that he was losing James, that drove him to it, though he knew no one else believed it. Just a year after leaving Hogwarts, Remus went back, to see Dumbledore.

"Please," he said, and hoped it sounded like quiet dignity and not quiet desperation. "Make use of me."

We were so close, there was no room

We bled inside each others wounds

We all had caught the same disease

And we all sang the songs of peace

Sirius was furious, of course, but Remus saw an ironic justice to it, when he was paired with Dumbledore's other new recruit. After all, Remus had done very little, while they were at school, to protect Severus Snape from James's cruelty. Even though he could have--and he could admit it to himself now, now that he was seeing himself honestly, seeing James honestly.

Snape did not want to forgive him, that much was obvious. Snape hated him still, and Snape would always hate him. But there was a job to be done, and at least Remus had never actively tormented him. So Snape seemed willing to work with him, as long as they never crossed the boundaries of professional life and personal.

Remus couldn't settle for that. Perhaps it was because of his long association with Sirius Black, but Remus had learnt to be discontented with boundaries. Besides, he was curious. Snape wore the Dark Mark almost as a badge of honour, despite the fact that he served Dumbledore with a fervour matched by few of the Order. He stalked wherever he went, that long black cloak swirling about his shoulders--and where had he learned to move with such authority, such confidence, in the time since they'd left Hogwarts? He was no longer the cringing boy Remus had known.

"Mind your own accounts, Lupin," Snape snarled the first time Remus tried to be friendly. Remus was only inviting him back to the Three Broomsticks for a drink, but the rebuff he felt embarrassed him. He was as stung as if he'd been trying a pass at some pretty fellow he'd seen at a pub. That knowledge hurt, and Remus tried not to pay attention to it.

Remus was never any good at self-delusion.

Lay down, lay it down, lay it all down

Let your white birds smile up

At the ones who stand and frown

Lay down, lay it down, lay it all down

Let your white birds smile up

At the ones who stand and frown

Naturally Snape spent a great deal of time away from the Order. None of them really liked him anyway, and only partly because he was an unpleasant person and a former Death Eater. He'd betrayed his fellows, and where was the guarantee he wouldn't betray the Order, now that he'd been let in? There were whispers that Dumbledore'd made a mistake, by letting him in--and some, like Sirius, did more than whisper--but Remus ignored them all. Snape was his partner, and one didn't gossip about one's partner.

Besides, he had to get Snape to trust him somehow.

So raise the candles high, 'cause if you don't

We could stay black against the night

Oh raise them higher again and if you do

We could stay dry against the rain

Remus couldn't fight down his anxiety, though, and when he and Snape were pinned down under a barrage of Death Eater curses, when no one was supposed to know where they were, he couldn't resist a wondering glance at his partner. Snape saw it, because Snape had a talent for seeing just what you didn't want him to see.

"Just now suspecting me, Lupin?" Snape hissed, his eyes darting away again to check for incoming curses.

"Of course not." Remus kept his voice quiet and calm, though it was no easy task when you had a Blood-freezing Hex crackling past your ear. "Sirius has taken great pains to call your trustworthiness into question. So far I've been able to answer every question he raised--even if I didn't give him the answer."

"Think you know everything about me, then?" Snape fired a Cruciatus back at whomever it was under that hood--which wasn't legal yet, though it had been discussed. Then again, Remus wasn't going to argue against something that was currently keeping him alive.

"No. I wish I knew more about you, but everyone's entitled to his secrets."

Snape darted him a look. "Cover me."

Lay down, lay it down, lay it all down

Let your white birds smile up

At the ones who stand and frown

Lay down, lay it down, lay it all down

Let your white birds smile up

At the ones who stand and frown

And he had, surprising even himself by raising up to his knees and shouting, "Crucio!" in a voice that nearly boomed. It was answered by a thin shriek that rose in pitch but not in volume. Remus couldn't sustain it for long, because he still--at that point in his life--had no reason to hate every Death Eater impersonally. He just didn't know how to wish that much pain on that many people.

He held no illusions, though; he knew that someday he would know how.

We were so close, there was no room

We bled inside each others wounds

We all had caught the same disease

And we all sang the songs of peace

Snape dove across the clearing between them. He rolled when he landed, and fetched up against Remus, hard enough to drive the breath out of both of them. "Why are you here?" Snape asked, and in his breathless voice, it almost sounded as if he cared.

Remus tried to catch his breath, but Snape was still leaning against him, or something. He couldn't breathe properly. "I don't know," he said finally. "To make a difference."

"You're bleeding."

Remus shook his head, but it wasn't in denial, it was just because he was too tired to speak. It doesn't matter, he would say, if he could, or well, either I'll live or I won't. But he didn't say either, because Severus put his hand on Remus's wet sleeve, then pulled it back to expose the long gash. He aimed his wand, whispered a healing charm. He didn't remove his hand.

"We need to get out of here," Remus murmured. Severus snorted.

"You're telling me. You have any ideas?"

Some came to sing, some came to pray

Some came to keep the dark away

Of course not. In the end, they stayed on that cold, dark hillside for three hours, under enemy fire, until the Dark Mark rose into the air a mere half-mile from them. Then abruptly they realized they hadn't been cursed in some time. Remus sent a half-hearted hex in the direction of their enemies...and nothing answered.

They stayed there another two hours before daring to move. It began to rain. Remus reached out, his fingers encountering Severus's. They were cold.

So raise the candles high, 'cause if you don't

We could stay black against the night

Oh raise them higher again and if you do

We could stay dry against the rain

"Why won't you just let me be?" Severus whispered presently. He didn't sound resentful, though. He sounded tired. They were all tired.

"Why did you come?" Remus asked. He already knew the answer.

"There was no one else who could stop him."

Remus nodded. He wondered when Snape had ceased being Snape, had become Severus, had become someone Remus couldn't do without. He breathed in, quietly, wishing he could smell anything but damp earth and torn grass and burnt--something. He didn't speak. Finally Severus spoke again, quietly.

"I wanted someone to need me."

Lay down, lay it down, lay it all down

Let your white birds smile up

At the ones who stand and frown

Remus had to make the first move, of course. Severus couldn't understand why anyone would choose him. Remus didn't want to tell him he hadn't chosen--he didn't want Severus to think he had come into this unwillingly. So he said the only thing he knew would matter.

He said, quietly, "I do."

The drizzle hadn't lightened. A fog was rising. The sky was lightening, with the drab lavender-grey that said it would rain all day. They were both shivering, could see their breath misting in the air about them. They were achy from a night in the open, smarting from their failure to save whomever it was that had been killed under that Dark Mark. But Severus opened his mouth to say something, and Remus lunged against him, and pressed his open mouth to Severus's, and Severus didn't pull away. Severus wasn't gentle or laughing or confident like James; he was angular and demanding and oddly vulnerable, and it made Remus love him even better.

Afterwards, when they were still breathless and Remus was trailing his fingers lazily through Severus's hair and wondering if the touchy young man might let him wash it, and Severus's breath was still hitching every time Remus touched him, and the drizzle had turned into a real rain--Remus rolled over and studied his partner.

Scrawny, thin, awkward, ready to strike in an instant, and somehow he inspired Remus's protectiveness. Remus smiled, feeling old and old but still so young.

"I do need you," he repeated.

Lay down, lay it down, lay it all down

Let your white birds smile up

At the ones who stand and frown