Nothing left at all

NOTHING LEFT AT ALL

Know it's over but the thoughts of you go on,
Nothing here, nothing left at all.

How I swore that I would would never feel like this again,
But then you , you brought it through.

Oh no is there any reason I should walk away,
Is it wrong, is it wrong to want to stay,

And I know if I had the choice I'd never let you go,
Do you know, do you really want to know.

Well now the thoughts of you just circle in my mind,
Hard to find, you were really hard to find.

Oh and although, though I swore I'd never feel like this again,
I can't take it anymore.

Because I know if I had the choice I'd never let you go,
Do you know, do you really want to know.

And I didn't think, I didn't think I'd think about you in this way,
Well really, you really made my day.

Now, now it's over but the thoughts of you go on,
Nothing here, nothing left at all.

How I swore I'd would never feel like this again,
But then you, you brought it through.

(The Cranberries)

~*~

On the edge of a comfortable bed sat a young man, a wistful expression in his dark eyes. Obviously lost in his dream, the other man rolled over and kicked the large green cover. Severus' gaze lingered on his lover's naked sleeping form and he couldn't suppress a tired smile.

What kind of sick joke is that? he thought bitterly, as he turned up the sheet to cover Sirius' bare torso. He reached to gently stroke his cheek. I know what must be done.

The Slytherin got up wearily. He was already dressed, a heavy black cloak draped over his shoulders. He grabbed his Death Eater's mask on his mahogany desk, and cast it a venomous glance before stuffing it carelessly in his leather bag. I lost three years of my life, abdicated my body and my soul, to infiltrate Voldemort's inner circle. I cannot blow up my cover. Not now. I made my choice. He absently rubbed his sore left arm. Another meeting this night.

Dumbledore had warned him, but thirteen-year-old Severus Snape listened to no one but himself. Blinded by his furious yearning for revenge, he had taken a decision he couldn't quite foresee the consequences. He alone had sealed his fate that crucial night.

~*~

Head bowed, forty shadows in black ritual gowns stood in the moonlit clearing, forming a perfect circle around their only Master. The latter snapped his white fingers smugly, and the human round parted a little to let six hooded silhouettes pass through. They stilled fearfully near Voldemort.

"Come, Severus Snape," called the Dark Lord in a silky tone. The smallest of the group took three steps forwards, then kneeled in front of him.

"The youngest Death Eater ever. You must be proud."

"Yes, my Lord," replied the raven-haired young boy, staring at the ground.

"Look at me, boy," ordered Voldemort. Severus tentatively lifted his eyes to meet his master's red ones. He shuddered.

"Are you afraid of me?"

"Yes." That could hardly have been more true. He was terrified.

"Good. Now stand up, and hold out your left arm."

Severus did as he was told. He clenched his fists as the Dark Mark was carved in the tender flesh of his arm. The taint would go farther than his bones, reaching his very soul, and he knew it. A wave of sheer despair overwhelmed him as he realized the true extent of what he had done.

One day, Voldemort, your reign of terror will come to an end, and dead or alive, I will be a part of your demise. Only then will I have my revenge.

Four Muggle girls had been captured, and the Death Eaters' pack satisfied its blood-thirst, for the greatest enjoyment of its Master.

The Dark Revel was finished as the sun rose, coloring the sky in soft pastel tones. Five of the new initiates Apparated quickly to Hogsmeade, hoping to be back before their disappearance was noticed. Being only in fourth year, Severus couldn't do the same, but nevertheless politely refused Lucius' offer to Apparate with him, not being really looking forward to be splinched. The older Slytherin knew better than to insist, and left.

Severus slowly made his way back to the castle through the Forbidden Forest. Six o'clock rang as he passed the Gates, but he did not care. Half-running, he climbed the staircase leading to the Second Floor. He stopped in front of a grim looking gargoyle, which he knew was the new Headmaster's office. And now what? he thought acidly, as it dawned upon him that he didn't know the password.

The young boy sank hard on the cold stone ground, exhausted and nearing his breaking point. Tears filled his black eyes, and, unable to force them back, he began to sob uncontrollably. He cried on the murdered Muggles, on his parents' death, on his lost innocence. He cried on himself, at last, until there was nothing left to mourn. Only then did he realize that someone was patting his back, with surprising gentleness. Severus warily lifted his gaze. An old man beamed at him. His long white beard and hair made him look older than the twinkle in his blue eyes would have indicated.

"Lemon drop?" he asked kindly.

"Albus!" exclaimed the stern Transfiguration Professor from behind him. "Don't you think Mr. Snape should tell us what he's doing here at this hour, before you begin cramming him with sweets?"

"Of course, my dear Minerva, of course." He turned again to the young Slytherin. "Mr. Snape, is it, then?"

Severus nodded, bracing himself about what was to come. He wearily got up, straightened his clothes, unable to meet Dumbledore's eyes. Professor Sprout rushed to him as she noticed the blood covering his tear-strained face, while Professor Flitwick squeaked.

"Oh dear... All that blood..." said the plump witch. "Minerva, go fetch Madam Pomfrey!"

"No need," muttered Severus. "It's not mine."

Three teachers and a Headmaster froze at the same time.

"What did you do, my child?" asked Dumbledore very softly, as the silence became unbearable.

"What none of you was willing to." He stepped forward, and bared his left forearm. The Dark Mark was blazing malevolently. "Avenging my parents," he whispered, a desperate edge to his voice. He passed out.

~*~

Sirius stirred in his sleep, his black locks framing his handsome face, a soft smile dancing on his lips. So trusting... my little Gryffindor.

Severus kneeled by the bed, his throat painfully tight, his wand in his left hand. One time wasn't enough. Trying desperately to memorize his lover's sleek features, his fingers stroked every inches of it, careful not to wake him up. The Gryffindor whimpered like a little puppy, and the Slytherin smiled bleakly. He leaned forward and covered his mouth with his own. Sirius kissed him back after a few seconds, with a tenderness that brought tears to Severus' black eyes. All the things that had appeared once to be so important seemed so trivial as his arms embraced him fiercely... If only you knew Sirius, how much I love you. But there is so much at stake. So many lives...

Without breaking the kiss, Severus lifted his wand and pointed it to Sirius' temple. He backed up a little, and closed his eyes.

"Stupefy." The Gryffindor's head hanged down on the mattress. With a another flick of his wrist, he was fully dressed. The Slytherin carefully lifted his lovers' prone body in his arms, inhaling his scent for what would be probably the last time in his life. He locked and warded his prefect's room.

The midnight moon bathed the deserted corridors as Severus walked through the castle noiselessly. A strange sense of loss overcoming him, he held Sirius tighter. I know what must be done. He repeated that like a mantra of some sorts until they reached the Entrance Hall.

The Slytherin put the Gryffindor on the stone ground with infinite care. He drew his wand, then pointed it again to Sirius. He hesitated.

"Obliviate," he whispered eventually, erasing Sirius' reminiscences of the love they shared, recollections of what had transpired between them a few hours earlier, and replacing them with hatred and disgust.

He didn't even try to force back tears. Instead, he let them flow freely and silently on his pale cheeks. Without a backwards glance, he opened the great oak doors, and disappeared into the darkness.

A few seconds after, a great black panther hopelessly ran under the starry sky, heading to another night of torment and blood, grateful animals couldn't cry.

Go your own way, Sirius, forget me. Merlin knows I won't.