The Beauty in Song

It started out simply enough. Just a few words at the bottom of the scroll. The only thing that set them apart from the rest of the parchment were the quotation marks that bounded them. Curious, he copied it on to a new scroll, to see what would come of it.

After the fourth quote, he started to sense a pattern.

When the number reached thirty, he decided to do something about it.

Some of the quotes were long; some were short. Some spoke of love, some spoke of self, some spoke of the past. But everyone conveyed a sense of longing and of loneliness. And that was definitely something he could understand.

He took action as the class filed out. "Mister Potter. Please stay behind. The rest of you may leave," he told them. Soon Harry Potter and Severus Snape were the only two in the dungeons.

"Yes, sir?"

"Sit down, Potter. I wish to talk to you about the notes you've been leaving me on your homework. What is the purpose of it?"

"Well I would think that for the most part they're rather self-explanatory."

"That's not what I meant, Potter." Severus sat down next to Harry, rather than at his desk, dropping the scroll of quotes in front of the seventh year. "It seems to me you want someone to talk to."

"In a way, yes," Harry said slowly, looking over the scroll.

"Then talk. Tell me what made you choose these words as opposed to all the other words out there."

"They describe how I feel best." He pointed to the first on the list.

Only child, lonely one, trying to act like his father's son.

"Everyone is always comparing me to my father, even you. I think some people even look at me and see only him. People that knew him expect me to be him, to act like him, but I'm not. And sometimes I feel like I disappoint people because I'm not him."

"You should never try to be who you aren't; not even to be your father. You're your own person, and people should accept that."

"But sometimes they don't." Harry ran a finger over the next quote.

In my early years I hid my tears, and passed my days alone.

"As a child, the Dursleys made sure I was alone, and that I knew it. Any emotion was a weakness to them. So I hid everything. It was much harder, when I was younger, to hide my emotions. Any child would naturally want to express themselves. It got easier as I grew older. The suppression was a part of me."

"I will not deny that you had a hard childhood, but many people are trained not to show emotions."

"But many of them, their parents did it because they thought it would be of benefit. The Dursleys did it as a way to get rid of my abnormality, as they called it."

Severus didn't reply, and Harry moved on to the next line.

I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved by a hand that’s touched me.

"I've been touched many ways. As a son, as a friend, as a nuisance. True, my friends love me, as do Albus and Remus, but it's not the type of love I want. To them, I am a brother or a son. I want to be touched by someone that is in love with me, not just someone that loves me."

"Most people want that."

"I know. And as a person, I have the right to want that too. But I just don't think the world always realizes that I'm human, just like everyone else."

"That's their loss."

Harry nodded.

We grew up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe.

"It seems that, since my parents' death, I've been thrust everywhere. I was thrust into the Dursleys' lives as a baby, and I was thrust into Hogwarts and the magical world when I was eleven. In six and a half years I've fought with Voldemort on five separate occasions. I was, and in some ways still am, just a child, and yet the world expected me to save it. My innocence, my naivety, was forcefully stripped for me at a young age. I've had so many conflicting things tossed at me, and I don't know what to believe anymore."

"You should believe whatever you want to believe, not what others say you should."

"Yes, but that's one of those things that's easier said than done."

Wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees, find a way to lie about a home I'll never see.

"I wish, so much, that I was free to let my emotions out, but as a hero, I'm supposed to be tough, emotionless. I hate the restrictions society has put on me. I want to be myself."

And scars are souvenirs you never lose; the past is never far.

"This scar has caused so many problems for me. Nothing can get rid of it, and if I ever gave even just the slightest hint that I want to get rid of it, people would accuse me of being ungrateful. I just can't make people happy not matter what I do."

There comes a point when you're not sure why you're still talking; I passed that point long ago.

"I've come to realize that it's pointless for me to try and tell something, because most of the time, the won't listen to me or believe me. Even though it's been three years since Skeeter published that article questioning my sanity, some people still cling to that belief."

"Like Fudge."

"Yes, like him. To this day he still thinks I'm insane."

We all make mistakes yeah, but it's never too late to start again.

"I freely admit that I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. I've held grudges when I should have let go, I let house prejudices rule me for a while, and I let friendships blind me to human nature. I regret my mistakes, but I wouldn't want to go back and change them, because they've made me who I am. I can only go forward now, and hope that it'll be fine."

"That's a very mature view for someone your age."

"I've done a lot of growing up these past couple of years."

Harry was silent for a moment, looking over the scroll.

Half my life's in books written pages, lived and learned from fools and from sages.

"It's so... strange sometimes that complete strangers know more about my life than I do. I know practically nothing about my family. Before my eleventh birthday, I didn't even know I was a wizard. People just assume I know everything about myself and my family, and some days I just feel so stupid for not knowing."

"It isn't your fault your heritage was kept from you."

"But it's my fault that I never investigated it."

"I rather think your time was otherwise occupied by fighting Voldemort."

Harry shrugged, not giving him an answer.

Today I am your champion, I may have won your hearts. But I know the game, you'll forget my name.

"People are so ready to find the smallest fault of mine and pounce on it, blowing it up to extremes. Namely every single time Rita Skeeter writes an article on me. But also back in my second and fourth years, as well as last year." Harry thought for a moment. "Maybe my even numbered years are just bad for my social status."

Severus chuckled slightly at Harry's remark. "I think you might be right."

I have my freedom but I don't have much time.

"Now that we're all free of Voldemort, I can do what I want. Sort of. People expect me to do so many things. Go into the Ministry, play Quidditch professionally... It seems like what I want to do with my life doesn't matter."

"And what is it that you want to do?"

Harry pointed to the next quote in answer.

Somehow I got to find a mirror to make the stranger clearer, all I wanna be is who I am.

"I just want to be myself, but I have no idea who I am. I know what others perceive me as, but that isn't who I really am. The world only sees different facets of me, and not all of them are right. I need time to myself to figure everything out."

They smile and stab my back and I lie and have to laugh.

"I'm bound by society's views of me. Already there have been three 'tell-all' books written about me by people I considered friends. If I were to take any action against them, people would thing I'm trying to hide something, or some ridiculous notion to that effect. They just don't realize- or maybe they ignore- the fact that I'm a very private person, and wouldn't want something like this. Gold-diggers so many of them are."

"If you are so private, then why are you telling this to me?"

"Because I need to talk to someone, and I know you won't exploit this."

It may sound absurd...but don't be naive, even Heroes have the right to bleed. I may be disturbed...but won't you concede, even Heroes have the right to dream. It's not easy to be me.

"No one, well, hardly anyone, realizes that I'm just one person, and up until recently, a child. I've never experienced many things other people my age have. People look at me as beyond human, almost at times a god, but I'm just as mortal as they are. I bleed just as they do, though it isn't always physical. And maybe I am really am insane, as Skeeter always says, for not wanting all the fame and pressure I have. I just want to be normal, another face in the crowd."

"None of them have ever had to feel what you go through. If they did..."

"But they didn't. And therefore, they don't understand."

Oh, leave me where I am. I am not losing if I am choosing not to plan my life.

"As I'm sure you've noticed, I've made no plans for what I'll do after graduation. After being told what to do my whole life, I want to take some time to just be spontaneous. To wake up not knowing what I'll do that day. To let my feet and my gut lead me where I go. If nothing else, the world at least owes me that. But still I'm criticized for it. But I don't care. It's my life, and they have no claim over it."

Though the years give way to uncertainty, and the fear of living for nothing strangles the will.

"I feel, sometimes, that now that I've defeated Voldemort, there's nothing left for me to do. I feel worthless. It's a very terrifying thought."

"You have plenty to do, to give to the world. You're worth wasn't just to be pitted against Voldemort."

"I know. But emotions aren't always rational."

Life's a journey not a destination, and I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings.

"Who knows what will happen tomorrow? For all I know, I could catch some rare, fatal wizarding virus and die. Or I could go on as I have. As long as I continue to grow it shouldn't matter."

"I highly doubt you'll catch anything."

"No, but would it be ironic? To defeat Voldemort and live through it only to die of a rare sickness only months later."

Some day we will both look back and have to laugh. We lived through a lifetime and the aftermath.

"I hope someday I'll be able to laugh at all of this. I've experienced more than any seventeen year old should. A whole lifetime, compressed into only a fraction of what it should have lasted. Now I just have to get through the rest of it."

"We're all doing that."

"Yes. And who knows? Maybe you'll be the one I laugh with."

Though Adam was a friend of mine, I did not know him long, and when I stood myself beside him, I never thought I was as strong.

"It's that... in the war, I was little more than a figurehead. Yeah, everyone looks up to me because I'm the Boy Who Lived, and acts like I'm the only one that had anything to do with Voldemort defeat, either time. There are people that did a whole lot more than I did for the war, but without anyone realizing it. People like you, sir-"

"Severus," he cut in.

"Severus. And it's true. I feel very weak when I compare myself to you."

Severus was floored. Never had he expected Harry to feel that way about his efforts during the war.

And I don't need the fallout of all the past that's in between us.

"I think we both agree that we didn't start out on the best of terms-"

Severus snorted.

"But despite that, we've grown to be close. I consider you one of my trusted friends."

Severus was silent for a moment, thinking about what he felt for the younger wizard. "You are among those I trust, Potter."

"Harry."

"Harry."

Don't confront me with my failures, I had not forgotten them.

"More than any other death, Sirius' has affected me the most. I did everything I could to save him, but it wasn't enough. Remus has barely talked to me since then. Subconsciously, I know he blames me." Harry's voice grew breathy with pain. "And that hurts more than I ever could have imagined, because he is one of my last connections to my parents and Sirius. I see Remus, and the only thing in my mind for hours after that is the look Sirius gave me just before Voldemort killed him. I feel like I failed them both, and I can tell Remus thinks the same thing." Harry dropped the parchment and buried his face in his hands, tears pricking his eyes.

"Shh," Severus said softly. He gently pulled on Harry until the younger man's head rested on his shoulder. "You never told anyone this, did you?"

"They wouldn't understand."

"No, they wouldn't," Severus mused, unconsciously resting his cheek on the top of Harry's head.

After several minutes, Harry shifted enough to pick the scroll back up without leaving Severus' embrace.

Because it seems to me that there may never be a better chance to see who I am.

"You're the only one that can truly understand what's inside of me, Severus, because it's inside you as well. If I know you, I know myself. And the same is for the opposite. If I know myself, then I know you."

"You seem so sure of yourself."

"I don't hear you saying anything different."

"That's because I can't."

There is no reason for you to hide. It's so hard for me staying here all alone.

"I'm all alone out there in the spotlight. I need someone to stand with me, to help support me when the weight of it all becomes to much."

"I'll be there whenever you need me, Harry."

"Thank you," Harry said softly. His lips just barely brushed Severus' neck.

"Though I can't promise I'll always be nice."

No sweeping exits or off stage lines could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind.

"I know. You wouldn't be yourself, then. I'll understand."

The two were silent for a moment, wrapped up around each other.

You hide inside yourself, I wondered what you're thinking.

"You're so quiet. Please don't close up on me."

"I'm still here, Harry. I'm just thinking."

And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

"I'm so sick of the world thinking they know who I am, because they don't. They can't see past the damn scar on my forehead. But you, you always saw past all of that to the scared little boy thrust into the spotlight. You didn't let the hype built up around me stop you from treating me like every other student. You've always treated me like a person, not an icon."

"You aren't an icon."

"No, I'm not. The world won't ever see any differently, and to be honest, I don't really want them to see me. Not the true me. They don't need to see it." Harry lifted his head, catching Severus' eye. "I want only you to see it."

"Harry..." Severus sighed. He removed his arms from Harry and guided him back to his seat. "Please, don't say things like that."

Trust I seek and I find in you, every day for us something new, open mind for a different view, and nothing else matters.

"You are one of the few I trust with myself. Though maybe I shouldn't trust anyone with myself."

Harry quickly went to the next quote before Severus could reply.

My silence is my self defense.

"It's just easier, safer for me to keep quiet. I don't get hurt as easily. But sometimes I get hurt anyway."

"Harry," Severus started, but Harry held his hand up.

"No, Severus, don't."

"I don't do this to hurt you."

"But it still happens."

Never opened myself this way, life is ours, we live it our way. All these words I don't just say.

"You're the only person I've ever bared this much of myself to. The only one. It's my choice to do so. I had just hoped..." A stray tear escaped from the corner of Harry's eye.

"Harry, please-"

Harry read the next quote aloud.

My back is broad but it's a hurting. All I want is for you to make love to me.

"You said you'd be there. After all I've said, though, if I've made you uncomfortable, I'll understand if you don't want to anymore. Just tell me so."

"Harry, I said I'd be there, and I meant it. I admit, even after having read all of your little messages, I'd hoped you didn't really mean what you said, but I won't go back on my word. I'll be there for you whenever you need me. And maybe one day I might even return these feelings you have for me. If you ever want to talk again, come to me. I won't ever turn you away."

"Not as a friend, no."

"A long time ago, I promised myself I'd never love again. You have to give me time to decide if there ever might be something between us."

"I'll wait as long as you need."

"I had a feeling you'd say that." Severus let a soft smile ghost across his face. "You'd better get back to your dorms before your roommates come back looking for you."

"Of course, Severus." Harry stood and collected his bag. He was at the door when he turned back. Before Severus could blink he was across the room again. He brushed his lips against Severus' in a soft caress. Just as quickly, he was gone.

Severus' hand touched his lips gently, another smile settling on his face. Yes, he had a lot of thinking to do.

End

---

1. Only child, lonely one, trying to act like his father's son. Who I Am, Richie Sambora
2. In my early years I hid my tears, and passed my days alone. Further On, Jackson Browne
3. I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved by a hand that’s touched me. Push, Matchbox Twenty
4. We grew up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe. Name, Goo Goo Dolls
5. Wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees, find a way to lie about a home I'll never see. Superman, Five for Fighting
6. And scars are souvenirs you never lose; the past is never far. Name, Goo Goo Dolls
7. There comes a point when you're not sure why you're still talking; I passed that point long ago. The Late Show, Jackson Browne
8. We all make mistakes yeah, but it's never too late to start again. Fly Away From Here, Aerosmith
9. Half my life's in books written pages, lived and learned from fools and from sages. Dream On, Aerosmith
10. Today I am your champion, I may have won your hearts. But I know the game, you'll forget my name. Billy Joel, The Entertainer
11. I have my freedom but I don't have much time. Wild Horses, The Rolling Stones
12. Somehow I got to find a mirror to make the stranger clearer, all I wanna be is who I am. Who I Am, Richie Sambora
13. They smile and stab my back and I lie and have to laugh. All Eyes on Me, Goo Goo Dolls
14. It may sound absurd...but don't be naive, even Heroes have the right to bleed. I may be disturbed...but won't you concede, even Heroes have the right to dream. It's not easy to be me. Superman, Five For Fighting
15. Oh, leave me where I am. I am not losing if I am choosing not to plan my life. Jackson Browne, Colors of the Sun
16. Though the years give way to uncertainty, and the fear of living for nothing strangles the will. The Fuse, Jackson Browne
17. Life's a journey not a destination, and I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings. Amazing, Aerosmith
18. Some day we will both look back and have to laugh. We lived through a lifetime and the aftermath. This is the Time to Remember, Billy Joel
19. Though Adam was a friend of mine, I did not know him long, and when I stood myself beside him, I never thought I was as strong. Song for Adam, Jackson Browne
20. And I don't need the fallout of all the past that's in between us. Here is Gone, Goo Goo Dolls
21. Don't confront me with my failures, I had not forgotten them. These Days, Jackson Browne
22. Because it seems to me that there may never be a better chance to see who I am. Sing My Songs to Me, Jackson Browne
23. There is no reason for you to hide. It's so hard for me staying here all alone. Down by the River, Neil Young
24. No sweeping exits or off stage lines could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind. Wild Horses, The Rolling Stones
25. You hide inside yourself, I wondered what you're thinking. All Eyes on Me, Goo Goo Dolls
26. And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
27. Trust I seek and I find in you, every day for us something new, open mind for a different view, and nothing else matters. Nothing Else Matters, Metallica
28. My silence is my self defense. And So It Goes, Billy Joel
29. Never opened myself this way, life is ours, we live it our way. All these words I don't just say. Nothing Else Matters, Metallica
30. My back is broad but it's a hurting. All I want is for you to make love to me. Beast Of Burden, The Rolling Stones