Just Tonight

August started with another meeting of the Order. Grimmauld Place was still the Headquarters, so Remus was having a hard time trying to pay attention to what the members were discussing around the table; the house held so many memories of Sirius that it made it impossible for him to listen to anything else but the absent laugh of his lover, or see anything but the empty chair where he should have been sitting.

The meeting lasted two impossibly long hours, during which a few people gave their reports, Nymphadora Tonks chewed distractedly on her lip, Mundungus Fletcher snuck a few glances to a struggling object in his pocket, and Severus Snape stared blatantly at Remus. At last it was over, and everyone rose from their seats, saying their quiet goodbyes. It was late, but no one stayed for dinner.

Remus did stay, though. As much as he now hated being in that house, he couldn't bring himself to leave. He used to spend every free night he had with Sirius, and going to sleep at his own place now was too much like accepting that he would never be back. Maybe if he stayed, just maybe, he could pretend...

He said goodbye to Arthur and Molly, who were the last to leave, closed the door behind them and bolted it.

And then froze. Froze, because he knew he could not pretend, because he was alone and did not want to go upstairs to a cold, empty bed.

Tears started spilling from his eyes, but he did not bother to stop them; no one was left to see him weak. He rested his forehead on the door, sobbing louder and more desperately as time passed. He was so cold, so empty inside...

And then a pair of warm hands came down to rest on his shoulders, sliding down to his waist and embracing him. Remus closed his eyes and leant back into the welcoming arms, as a head bent down and kissed his neck gently, long hair tickling his collarbone lightly. It was deliciously distracting, and he lost track of time and place, his mind blissfully blank.

"I've missed you so much," he whispered, not realising he was speaking.

"I've missed you too," a voice whispered back. Remus snapped painfully back to reality and jumped aside, turning around.

In the dim light, the man in front of him was not so different from Sirius. "Snape?" he murmured, almost inaudibly.

The man's gaze dropped, almost in shame. "I know." Then he looked up eagerly, an unusual warmth in his eyes. "But just close your eyes and I promise you won't notice the difference."

Remus' jaw dropped in disbelief. "What?" he asked sharply. Snape seemed taken aback. "How-- What-- How dare you!"

But Snape was stepping closer and embracing him again, kissing him. And Remus didn't have the strength to stop him, because he closed his eyes and forgot who the man standing in front of him was. The way the other's hands slipped just down his waist, his fingers sliding under the hem of Remus' shirt...and that gentle nibbling.... This was Sirius kissing him, just the way he used to.

/Used to. Used./

Realisation struck like lightning. Sirius was no longer alive. This was Snape kissing him. Snape.

But what did it matter? He hurt so much, and this was just what he needed; a warm touch to melt the ice that had had been painfully and mercilessly eating at his heart since the battle at the Department of Mysteries.

"I love you so much, Moony," Snape whispered into the kiss. It was all so wrong, yet it felt so right, and Remus was too weak at the moment to resist, not to mention he was actually enjoying the attentions. There would be time for regret later.

Hours passed--or was it just seconds?--and they finally pulled apart. Remus looked up, almost expecting Sirius to be the one looking back at him. An involuntary gasp of surprise escaped his lips at the sight of Snape. Slowly, guilt sunk in his stomach, so heavy and so bitter that he thought he would be sick.

Snape leaned forwards again and rested his head on Remus' shoulders. "I know I shouldn't have done this," he said hoarsely, his words slightly muffled against Remus' clothes. "I knew it would only make you feel worse, but I just wanted to see you again, to kiss you one last time..."

He nearly lost his balance when Remus stepped back. "What do you mean, one last time?" he asked warily.

"I know." Snape looked aside sulkily, managing an expression so much like Sirius' that Remus thought he had imagined it. "I want to stay forever, too, but I only have tonight." And then he looked back at him with big, watery eyes. "Please, let's just go upstairs? We can just lie down and hold each other, if you want. I want to have your warmth still with me when I leave..."

That only confused Remus more. Perhaps this was all a bizarre dream? He wished he would wake up soon, because his head was starting to hurt. Something was not right, and he could no understand what it was. Nothing made sense.

Snape spoke once more, his voice now tender and soft. "Please?"

Remus frowned, determined to make things right again. "Listen," he said, trying not to think as he unbolted the door, "maybe you should go back to your house...or wherever you want. Just leave. It will be the best for both of us." He held the door open and turned around, waiting.

But Snape did not leave; he just stared at him. "Moony?"

"No!" Remus was starting to get angry again. "Don't try to be like Sirius, you just can't. You hear me? You'll never be like him!"

But Snape kept staring back at him, and Remus felt his anger fading away, taking with it the last of his strength.

"Remus?"

"Just-- just go..."

Snape took two steps forwards and put his hand on the door, resting his weight on it to close it. "I'm sorry I hurt you," he said faintly, his eyes full of tears. "I should have explained sooner, but we have so little time..." And he smiled. A small, expectant, almost apologetic smile. Sirius' smile.

Remus froze as understanding dawned on him. He would have thought he'd be scared, or surprised, or maybe disappointed to have his hopes raised in vain. But no, he was just pleased, because he was being allowed to love and be loved once again. "Just tonight?" he smiled back.

Snape's face immediately lit up. "Let's make it a night to remember, then." A huge grin stretched out on his face.

Remus reached up to run his hand through Snape's hair, but it felt foreign to his fingers, and his smile disappeared from his face to be replaced once again by a frown. "How-- how did this happen?"

"Well, I had to give up a few things," said Snape dismissively. "But who cares?"

"What happened to...to him, then?"

Snape frowned, too, pulling sharply away from Remus' touch. "You can have him back right now if you want him so much," he snapped.

Remus knew better than to ask any further. "No. I want you, Sirius." He smiled again, and took his lover's hand to lead him across the hall and up the stairs.