Curtains and Thoughts

The hangings on his bed were drawn shut, locking away all vestiges of light, yet Sirius Black lay awake in his bed, his mind a jumble of thoughts. Sleep would not come to him tonight and his mind was on a reel. He thought of Remus, of his hazel-golden eyes and sandy hair soft to the touch. His love. The one of two people Sirius genuinely loved in the world, and was loved in return. The other was James, and in an entirely platonic way.

James was probably off with Evans--no, Lily. Sirius had to get used to calling her that, by her first name. It just wasn't polite, calling one's best mate's girlfriend by her surname. Like they still hated each other. Which they didn't, not anymore, not since she'd agreed on going out with James in October and since that day in Hogsmeade where they both were looking for James and ended up spending the day getting to know each other as Sirius and Lily, not Black and Evans.

Not since both James and Sirius had, as Remus put it, "deflated their heads." That was the one good thing that damned Snape prank had done. It had brought them down from their loft and smack down onto Earth. They weren't almighty. They weren't perfect. Unfortunately, Sirius had to learn the hard way. It was usually the only way he learned anything, to be perfectly honest. Sirius sighed. He was lucky, however. He had almost lost Remus, as a friend and a lover. And for a time, Sirius knew, he had.

Remus wasn't afraid to tell them to back off anymore, not that he ever needed to. Sirius's slap with reality had, indeed, taught him to think of consequences. He grew up overnight, instead of over the years like he should have. But he supposed the important thing was that he wasn't as arrogant or thickheaded as he was before. Almost losing Remus had done it too, make him realize that his actions did have consequences he couldn't charm his way out of. It was the best day of his life, Sirius felt, when he and Remus made up as friends. Or one of them--when he and Remus got back together in January, was the best day of his life.

Sirius fingered the loose threads of his curtains drawn halfway around his four-poster bed. He shook his head, trying to clear it of the stray thoughts that had been analyzed over and over so many times that the answers to Why? no longer seemed to matter. Sirius climbed out of bed and crept over to Remus', where he could hear his steady breathing. No nightmares, then. Good. Lily had found out about Remus--she accepted it and did not care--but Sirius still worried. Besides, comforting Remus was just another excuse to clamber into bed with him.

Being with Remus needed no excuse. Last year, the horrible year after that damned Trick, almost ruined everything. James and Sirius' friendship remained stronger than ever--God, Sirius was lucky to have him, to have him still care about his stupid arse--but Remus and Sirius, that was completely different. Remus did not speak to Sirius for the rest of the school year and Sirius knew he deserved it. Over the summer, he sent back letters unopened, until Sirius' owl pecked at his fingers--Sirius did not even know about it until recently--and forced him to answer, once. The reply made Sirius feel the tiniest bit better.

On the school train, Remus sat across from him. That simple gesture meant everything. The train back, Remus sat diagonal from Sirius and had hardly spoken to him. On the train to Hogwarts, he talked to Sirius and laughed a little, even calling him Padfoot once. The distance was there and so evident it seemed tangible, but Sirius had not cared. Remus had seemed afraid to let Sirius in again, and Sirius didn't blame him. He had caused this drift between them, and was reminded of it every day.

They had made up in November, after the full moon's activities. The sun had been hiding behind the clouds and Sirius had been sure he was dreaming, for this could not be true. Remus lay with him outside the forest, and held him while the tears poured. Sirius never cried, around others. Once, he had, with James after he ran away from home. But since then...The pain streamed out while the forgiveness washed over him. Remus' words. Remus holding him. Remus loving him. It was so unreal and Sirius knew he was undeserving.

Over the year, after their first full moon together in November and the words "I forgive you.", the broken trust healed itself with their help. Sirius knew it had, because the ache in his heart that had become common in sixth year faded. Because Remus came to him for help and to talk when he had not been willing to before. Because Remus loved him and told him, few times and because Sirius loved him back.

They had talked about the Trick, once or twice, after their reconciliation. Mostly the guilt Sirius felt had gotten in the way of productive conversation. Other times, it had not.

"I'm sorry, Moony." Sirius lay next to Remus, and he propped up to look at him. Remus' hazel-golden eyes focused on him.

"I know you are, Padfoot."

Silence. Sirius stared up at the ceiling of the dormitory. Remus broke the quiet.

"But I forgave you. You know that." Remus grinned slightly over him, eyes flashing deep gold, before kissing him. "So let it go."

Sirius didn't know it, but it had taken months for Remus to even think that.

Gently drawing the curtains open, Sirius peered into the dark interior. Remus' back was to him, with the covers wrapped haphazardly around his midsection. Sirius ascended onto the bed, closing the curtain behind him firmly shut so no sliver of light peeked through any openings. Sirius curled his body around Remus, who turned over to face him slowly.

"Sirius?" Sirius gathered him into his arms and kissed his forehead. He held onto Remus soundly like a child might to a teddy bear. Remus sighed happily and snuggled closer to Sirius, grabbing his side near his hip. The resume of steady breathing let Sirius know Remus had fallen asleep once more. Sirius absently stroked the sandy colored hair and let his eyelids fall.

No, he thought, he did not need an answer to Why? When he curled around Remus, everything just seemed to fall into place and make perfect sense.

11.6.03

2:12pm