Beautiful Disaster

Then there's a sharp and decisive scream that shatters reality. Not unlike the way a careless movement might set in motion a course of events leading to disaster. Except this whole event had been a disaster from beginning to end. A beautiful disaster. My disaster, yours.

Yes, that's the perfect turn of phrase for this. Providing a perfect description of those diverse events leading up to now. To the moment when my heart breaks. When I can not see but am forced by fate to listen to love dying.

Love dying, screaming in pain. You know the world will never again be the same. There's no going back to what was had before. After this, you know that there will be no small possibility of more. Because you'll be dead and buried. There's no way you'll survive. Your ghost will live on to haunt my weary grieving mind. Not even purity of a memory of your pretty face can remain. All that I'll hear is the meshing of your dying screams with whispered declarations of your love in my head.

And you'll be gone when I cry out in the night. When I'm frightened that you aren't alright, I'll stretch out my hands looking for yours. There will be nothing there and then I'll remember my flaws. The flaws that led to your demise. Your suffering that I could not honour even by looking into your eyes -- as they took your mind away.

Less than perfect was the situation. A beautiful disaster. Littered with moments of sad recognition of the doomsday to come. We knew that one day this wreck would finally sink down. That the waters of despair in which we would drown could not be held back. Not even by faith. Or simple accepting grace of which you had plenty.

I had thought that the sacrifice would be mine. That I'd be the one who would be forced to take what was to come. I never thought, ever, that the anguish would be yours. If I had, I might have taken another course of preventative action. Pushed your love away despite what I know would be your poor reaction. I would have done anything to get you off of this road had I seen what was ahead.

So now I stand here, while you scream over there. And if you speak as your last words those that I yesterday would have longed to hear...you'll kill more than us both. Our cause will be shown for what it is, and the secrets we've hid all of these years will be lost. Secrets tossed into the arms of those who wish us not well. Who would put countless others, gladly, through hell.

While you scream over there, I stand proud over here. And dare not let my fear show. Dare not let you know that this beautiful disaster has saved my soul. And that I will remember you after you are gone. That I will make it quick when the time does come, your Angel of Mercy, love. Only for you, love, only for you. Don't say a word, love. Fight for us both, love. This beautiful disaster will soon come to an end.