The Secret Diary

Prologue: The Secret Diary

April 17, 1978

Dearest Diary,

I'm ecstatic! Today is my seventeenth birthday. Remus gave me this book as a gift. It's enchanted so that only people with good intentions may read it. So, one day, maybe my children can read this! Depending on what I write, they may be a bit older before I allow them to read it though. But, I won't talk about that right now...

Right now I want to record how happy I am! Today is a lovely, sunny day. I was awoken at half-past seven to an obnoxious horn blowing downstairs, and then some hushed whispering. It was breezy this morning, and Sirius Black's voice was carried out an open window down in the common room, and up through the window to my dorm. He said something like, "Peter! You git, you'll wake Lily! Shh!" in that husky voice of his. I had to hold my breath very hard so I wouldn't giggle!

I knew right away what my friends were up to, and I wasn't about to let them think they could surprise me. I decided I would surprise them instead. I found Arabella Figg's broom next to her bed, wrote a note saying that "a friend" had borrowed it, and proceeded to fly out the window (it was a bit of a squeeze!) and down to the grounds. I crept in though the Entrance Hall, and made my way up to Gryffindor Tower, but only carefully. Thank Merlin I was! I had to duck behind a tapestry to avoid being seen by James and Remus, both of whom were carrying very large trays of food and butterbeer up in the direction I was headed.

I gave them a bit of a head start, then continued upstairs. I listened through the portrait of the Fat Lady for a moment, catching snippets of their hushed conversations. Boy, would the looks on their faces be priceless! I quietly crept through the portrait hole, and had to bite my lip really hard to keep from laughing. Their backs were all toward me, and they all watched my door expectantly.

"I thought she was an early riser," muttered James Potter, crossing his arms.

"She is. This is just a little suspicious," added dear Remus. He ran his fingers through his hair (he always does this when he's nervous!) and sighed.

Well, I couldn't stand it any longer. I ran up to Remus, threw my arms around him from behind, and called, "Surprise!" I was right! Everyone's jaws were hanging open, and I saw eyes darting back and forth between my door and me.

Remus turned around, smiled in a sort of sad way, and sighed, "We were hoping to surprise you, Lily."

"I know," I said, "I had a feeling you all would try something like this," I lied. "So I decided to surprise the surprisers! Now I'm no longer the surprisee!"

I laughed but Remus frowned. It lasted only a moment, but I had the feeling that he was really upset. He picked right back up, though, and motioned to the decorated common room, the food (there was loads!), and to all the smiling faces. "For you," he whispered in my ear. It was like some dream.

Today was so wonderful that I never wanted it to stop. The rest of the day was filled with wonderful gifts and cards, even from a few teachers! Professor McGonagall gave me a wonderful card with the Gryffindor Lion on it. It was so cool! The lion kept pacing around the numbers "1-7" and purring.

I spent the morning with all my friends, but the afternoon with just Remus. Since it's a Saturday, we didn't have lessons. Remus and I had a picnic on the Quidditch pitch, then took a lovely stroll around the grounds that lasted until well after dark. I won't get into details, because putting it to words would make me blush even more...

Remus and I spoke during our outing too, though. We talked about the future. Our future. He said that as soon as we graduate, we'll travel and see Europe. Then we can return to England, he'll become and Auror, and we can start a family! The prospect of our having children together! Why, we're still children ourselves! Maybe we're thinking too far ahead, but I hope very much so that this dream will come true one day...

December 3, 1978

Dear Diary,

It's been so long since I've written an entry in this diary! Much has happened since I last wrote. Reading my last entry saddens me a bit, though I must smile at my girlish dreams that flowed through my mind just under eight months ago. I've become an adult since then. These times are dark, indeed. Lord Voldemort is gaining power and his methods for this are brutal. Muggles, Muggle-borns, and those who support them are being killed every day. Many close friends fear for my life, for I am of Muggle lineage.

Remus, above all my friends, worries the most. We live together now, and there's a constant wrinkle between his eyebrows and hairline. I wonder if it really is only my safety that he's worrying about, or if maybe there's something else on his mind. Lately, he's been acting strange. I hope it turns out to be a good kind of strange! After so much talk between us about settling down, I'm hoping that he's giving more than serious consideration to asking my hand in marriage...

September 1, 1979

Dear, Dear Diary,

It's been too long since I've written again! I must make much more of an effort to write. It's been nearly a whole year since I last wrote, and again, I feel I've grown much more into a woman.

I reread my previous entry, and it excites me to think about this: Remus seems on the very verge of proposing! I often find him fumbling with his pocket while we're together, and I wonder if it's simply a handkerchief in there, or perhaps a velvet box...I sincerely hope, above all other hopes, that he pops the question soon. I am so ready to explode with anticipation... I almost want to propose to him if he waits any longer! I'm so impatient!

I know that if he proposed, I'd accept in a flash. I'm positive we're destined to be together. My heart skips a beat whenever I see the image in my mind of me walking down an aisle in a white silk dress, and him standing handsomely at the altar. James, Sirius and Peter flank him, wearing silly tuxedoes and making penguin jokes all through the ceremony. But just as the Ministry priest declares us wizard and wife and we lean in to kiss, everything begins to go fuzzy, as it seems all good dreams end for me. I know that means our future together is clouded, and I can only hope for the best.

I've been working so much at the Ministry lately, reviewing files for the national census. Remus has been working so much lately as well! We rarely see each other since our hours are so different- mine all day, from early morning to late in the evening, and his all night, from very late in the evening, to just before dawn. No rest for an Auror, I suppose. It's a dangerous job, and I worry constantly about him. Every time reports come in about Aurors that have died, I have to have someone read the names first. If I ever see his name on the list, I know my world would come crashing down on me. I can't imagine life without him.

Our relationship has escalated, and I find our private time spent together has become much more intimate...

Oh! An owl for me has just arrived, so I'll write more later...

Later

Dearest Diary,

Remus has just sent an owl asking me to meet him at the Broken Wand Café tomorrow evening. I have a very funny feeling, right in the bottom of my stomach. I think he's finally going to ask! I just can't wait, and I'm going to get some sleep so I don't look a wreck tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be forced into taking pictures to celebrate so happy an occasion! I wonder if he'll have all our friends throw a surprise party, maybe even like the one they threw for me on my seventeenth birthday! Enough writing for now, and I'll give a full report on everything tomorrow- from the look on his face, to the ring, even to the flavor of the cake they bring out in celebration for our engagement! Oh, I'm so happy!

September 2, 1979

Precious Diary,

I do not know how to put to words the emotions coursing through me right now. It seems my heart has been shattered into more than a thousand piecs. It seems my dreams have all been bashed apart. It seems my fantasy has ended. I'll explain how all this heartbreak and sadness began:

Yesterday, I foolishly spent more than just a few hours getting ready, and I was running late by the time I got to the Café. It was raining, and I was furious that my hair was ruined. I wish my mind hadn't been on such frivolous matters, for perhaps I'd have been more aware of the impending situation. Maybe I'd have better prepared myself for what was about to happen.

When I approached Remus at a table in the Café, I noticed that it was very dark in there. Only a few candles were lit, and they were the only source of light in the room, owing to the nasty weather outside, perhaps an omen that I should have heeded. I wondered why there wasn't more light. And the people around us- they were normal people, wizards and witches I didn't know. Why weren't our friends here? I asked Remus this when I sat down, and he looked at me with the saddest expression I'd ever seen grace his cherubic face.

I knew then. I knew that he wasn't going to ask for my hand. He wasn't ever going to. He hadn't even said a single word yet, and I burst into silent sobs. It was over, he explained. I didn't understand why. I asked him how it could be over. Why, only yesterday he told me he loved me more than anything else on this earth. In comparison, my heart was simply bruised before he gave his answer, because after he answered, it was utterly destroyed. His words will forever echo in my heart...

"I still love you, and I always will..."

I couldn't hear much after that. It took him a moment to calm me down, and I had to drink half a glass of ice water before I was controlled enough to listen to the rest what he had to say.

"You deserve better than me, Lily. I can't be there for you all the time. I can't be the shoulder you cry on all the time. If we were married, Lil, I'd probably be the only reason you ever cried."

He had just stomped all over my destroyed heart with these words.

"Why, Remus?" I nearly shouted. "Just- just... Why?"

"I don't think you'll understand," he said, reaching across the table and placing his warm hand over mine.

I retracted my hand quickly. His touch didn't soothe me as I know he intended for it to. It burned me. It burned the remains of my heart. "Try me," I said as coldly as I could manage.

He looked both hurt and frustrated. It was a look I normally would have kissed him to assuage, but that was no longer an option. He wiped that look from his face quickly, and reached into his pocket.

For a fleeting moment, I hoped that he would withdraw a ring, and tell me this was all a sick joke. Then, I thought that maybe he'd draw his wand, point it between my eyes, and end my misery in a flash of green light.

I was given neither consolation. Instead, he withdrew a small bottle, which contained a frothy liquid.

"Poison?" I said before I could stop the word from escaping my lips. But really, I had thought that maybe it was. After all the pain he had caused, maybe he was offering it to me to pour down my throat, and end my life, right then.

I was wrong once more.

"No," he said, frowning. "Read the label. It explains it all."

I had to blot my eyes on a napkin for a moment before they were clear enough for me to see the words on the small bottle. When the words were finally clear, I couldn't fathom the situation any more than I had five minutes before.

"Wolfsbane potion. Take twice daily for the week before the full moon to prevent a full transformation into a werewolf-" he began to recite the label.

"What?" I gasped. How hadn't I ever noticed? Why didn't he ever tell me?

"You see? I can't make you live with that. Besides, you wouldn't want to. Imagine-"

"Holy shit, Remus," I shouted, rising from my chair and throwing my napkin to the table. The glass of water was knocked off-balance and tipped over when I banged my fists on the table. Silverware clattered to the floor and ice water was everywhere.

I raised my hand to his face, and he recoiled, as if I were going to strike him. It was then that I couldn't stand any more. I ignored the ice water washing over my feet and cupped his soft cheek in my hand.

"How could you think that I wouldn't want to be with you just because of that?"

He straightened up in his seat, furrowed his brow, and answered, "Being there for your wife doesn't mean thirty days out of the month. It means being there thirty-one. Not to mention the same for your kids, if we ever would have had any."

"There's three things wrong with that picture: me being simply your 'wife', the number thirty versus thirty-one, and our children. First- I never thought that I'd just be your 'wife.' I thought that I'd be more than that- I'd be your best friend, I'd be someone you could depend on and trust, I'd be your soulmate. And I thought that I already was, without any nuptial vows. Second- thirty days is no different from thirty-one days when I'm with you. I love you so much that it wouldn't matter if you weren't there because of that. Hell, I'd even be able to help you. Dammit Remus, I love you."

I kissed him, and he returned it. I felt dampness on my cheeks. It was a sensation I had felt moments before, but my tears had stopped. It was Remus that was crying now. When I drew back, I saw that his eyes were red-rimmed. I didn't realize until just now that this was the only time I had seen him cry other than when we made love.

"You forgot the third thing. Our children," he whispered. "But we'll never have any, so don't say anymore unless you have to. This hurts too badly."

I bit my lip. He didn't know. How could I tell him now? I thought this would be the happiest day of our lives so far, and figured this would be the perfect time to tell him the news. Judging by the look on his face, he would have done something drastic if I had told him.

"Remus, I'm-"

"You're what?" He looked up at me with those sad hazel eyes and I hesitated.

What would happen if I told him? I looked at him, from his gentlemanly posture, his formidable fingers laced through mine, right down to his shiny, but well-worn shoes.

He'd marry me, that's what he'd do.

I couldn't take it. If he married me just because I told him he was the father of my child, it wouldn't be for the right reason.

"What?" he repeated.

"Remus, do you love me?" I asked.

"Yes, I love you. That's why I'm doing this. I don't want your life to be..." he sighed, shrugged his shoulders a moment, then finished with the one word I hoped he wouldn't use... "wasted."

"Goodbye, Remus," I said, and then I walked out the Café. I didn't look back, because I probably would have ran to him and told him everything.

I moved all my things out of our apartment. He didn't come back while I was there, and I'm sure it's because he knew I was leaving. I packed my things up and apparated with all of it at James Potter's place. He was the only one I could think to turn to.

Peter Pettigrew always annoyed me, and I know Sirius will be the one comforting Remus once the realization that it was over between us hit. So here I am, in James' one bedroom flat. I told him everything- except about the child, and he understood it all. He'd taken every measure possible to make me feel comfortable and he's tried everything he could think of to help me heal.

He's a true friend, and I find that he's the very opposite of Remus, in ways. He's so much more level-headed and I know that if he were a werewolf and in love with me, he wouldn't run away from a potentially turbulent love for smooth solitude...

October 15, 1979

Diary!

It's amazing to think it, but I am, indeed to be married tomorrow! Perhaps it seems I'm rushing things, but James Potter asked for my hand in marriage a week ago and I accepted. He's in no hurry to tie the knot, but I know that in a few months, it'll be extremely difficult to cast charms to cover my expanding girth. The only thing to do is marry very quickly.

When the baby is born, I'll have a series of charms ready to perform that will ensure that no one ever knows the father's identity. Naturally, the world will assume the father's James. I loathe my very soul for deceiving him like this, but is there any other way? If I reveal to him that the father is Remus, he'll make me tell Remus, and Remus would have wanted to marry me.

No, no. The sensible thing is to follow out with my plan and no one will be the wiser. After all, James is like a brother to me. I am pushing the memory of my relationship with Remus out of my heart and rebuilding the broken pieces with James. I know we'll have a wonderful, long life together.

And the child? He'll be ours, James' and mine.

June 23, 1980

Dear Diary,

I've been married for over eight months now, and I'm allowing the baby to show. James thinks it's his, and everything is working out according to plan. I've found a few charms to delay the birth, and implemented them for some time. It'll be my tenth month in a few days, and the charms won't work for very much more than a few weeks. Thank Merlin the timing for all this has been perfect.

I've begun to talk to Remus again, and he's fitting into the plan as well. He thinks the child belongs to James, and that I've moved on. I won't write on this book the feelings of my heart as of late, for they would defame my sacred marriage vow, but I know that one day this all may come back to haunt me...

July 31, 1980

Dear Diary,

I am now a mother! My firstborn child, Harry Potter, was born exactly nine hours ago. I went into very severe labor pains this morning, and as I knew charms would never cover the pains this time, I had no choice but to deliver. No matter, timing couldn't have been more impeccable.

The doctor was very shocked at how large Harry was. Naturally, I was unsurprised, but had to feign an amused sort of shock to keep up this façade.

"Eleven pounds, six ounces!" shouted the doctor after weighing my beautiful son. "What have you been eating, woman?"

Thankfully no one has turned jokes such as these into prying questions that might reveal the truth. I think that if I've made it this far without being discovered, everything will be okay.

When I finally had a chance to look my child over, I was amazed how much he truly looked like his father. He had the same ash-blonde hair, with the same texture even. Stroking his little head, I recognized the feeling of soft feather down, like Remus'. He even had the same expression of a vague sadness... The resemblance is more than uncanny, and stronger than I predicted.

Just an hour ago, I pretended to be asleep with the child so that everyone would clear out. I then proceeded to do the charmwork. This child must never look like his truefather.

I intricately created the magic to work so that he'd forever look like James. Something wasn't right, though. He just looked like a carbon-copy of James, and that wouldn't be quite right. It'd be just as weird as him not looking at all like James. So I let him keep the bright green eyes he was born with. My green eyes.

October 20, 1981

Dearest Diary,

The rise of the Dark Lord has reached the point of extremely unsettling, and my family is no longer safe anywhere. In a few days, Albus Dumbledore will cast the Fidelius Charm upon us all so that Voldemort may not find us. James and I want to use Sirius as our Secret-Keeper, but we shall see what Albus has to say about all of it first.

Harry is a year old now, and he's looking more and more like James every day. Everything is according to my plan, and I don't think anyone will ever know that James isn't little Harry's father. Even Harry himself won't ever know, and that's the way I think it should be.

Have I forgotten about James in this situation? No, of course not. In fact, I've grown to be very much in love with him, and I'm just bursting to tell him some brilliant news. I want to tell him first, but I don't think telling a book will count, so I'll tell you, Diary. I'm going to have another child, and this time, James is the father. Harry's going to be a big brother!

Now, I'm not quite sure when to tell James, but I think that perhaps during our Halloween night celebration I'll tell him. I would have told him four days ago at our second anniversary celebration, but I myself didn't know until yesterday!

I'm not going to write in this diary anymore, and I'm going to hide it where only I know where it may be found. I've never been happier and it's as if my life is a fairy tale. So, I'll close with these words, since I know that my story will never end:

...She lived Happily Ever After...