Haunted

HAUNTED...A Girl´s Lament

By biggerstaffbunch

*Hermione/Ron*

He is so stupid.

No, I´m sorry, I didn´t mean that at all, not exactly. He..he isn´t stupid. He´s incredibly smart. And funny. And brave, and ridiculous, and impossible to understand. He makes me laugh into my treacle every morning, though I musn´t let on. When I´m a bit cross, he must only wink and throw off some random little stupid comment, and I can´t help but react. Whether my blood boils or I burst into tears, he always makes me react. My insides clench when I see him, but my heart is free as a bird. I spin when I am with him, but my world is perfectly still without him. I must say, I enjoy the chaos.

He is everywhere.

Oh, god. Why am I doing this? I have three Transfiguration essays to do, an Arthimancy parchment I have to work on, and a Defense Against the Dark Arts survey to fill out. My eyes are ringed with exhaustion, and my fingers clench of their own accord. I absolutely have no time to dwell on hopeless cases right now. But I can´t help it, it´s likely to drive me mad. I try and concentrate as I chew on my quill, thinking, Don´t look at him, Hermione, but it never seems to work. I almost always scan my eyes around the room and see him there. Watching me. Oh, it makes me bloody want to strangle him. Just play the bloody chess game, Ron! Please, stop looking at me. I feel like I´m on fire.

He is so beautiful.

It´s that damn moonlight. The rays of milky starlight touch his carroty waves with an ethereal glow, and his skin is ten times paler than usual. He looks almost sickly in daylight, but here beneath the windows of our common room, he is looking quite nice. I wonder when his eyes changed from electric blue to a deep, almost inky royal color. They are impossibly wide, and sometimes his gaze gives him a perpetually astonished look. It´s adorable, especially when he happens to smile his lopsided, blushy smile. That damn moonlight casts such a flattering glow. Much too flattering for my liking. My quill slips from the parchment and now there is a blob. A Ron-shaped blob.

Ron is so perfect.

Oh, yes, quite rational. Ron, perfect? Not in this lifetime. The boy has his flaws, but I find that I strangely don´t care. I feel myself start to get hot when I hear Ron´s voice raise in volume, when his face blushes in crimson, when he gesticulates wildly. I can´t help it. I really can´t. He gets so protective of us, me and Harry. I don´t think Ron ever counted on having two half-Muggle friends. That´s alright. I sigh and throw my quill down impatiently. I never counted on falling in love with someone like him. Magic. Never believed in it till I got my letter. And I supposes, deep down, I still don´t. I haven´t found real magic yet.

He is magical.

I yawn and throw a look at my two friends across the room. They are playing chess in the sleepy glow of the night. I ache to join them, ache to be included. But I can´t, for I´m Hermione, and Ron only needs me if I can help with homework. Is that all I am? For all the magic I can do with my wand, I have yet to send Ron into a tizzy when he sees me. I feel my heart pulse and my stomach bubble when I spot him laughing or when he gazes at me. I remember once, he accidentally brushed my hair out of my eyes reaching for the pencil tucked behind my ear. Those ocean-colored eyes thoughtfully gazed at me, and get this, he said, "You have really pretty eyes, `Mione." He never said anything of the sort, again, of course, but still. I think that might have been when I became infatuated with him. A curse, these attractive eyes.

Ron is so damn oblivious.

Silently I slip out of my chair, trying my best no to catch the attention of my two best friends. I need to be alone. I make my way over to the window, alighting myself on the ledge and stepping over it. There isn´t a lot of room, but I think I can squeeze myself-ah, there I am. My heart thumps as I lay my warm head on the cool granite of the castle. Intellectually, I know it could never work. I´m much too impatient, and Ron is much too stubborn. But I don´t care. Every row we have, all I can think is, Please let him forgive me! And when he does, I throw my arms around him and hug him. And my body burns with the contact. Why can´t he like me too? Why can´t I be someone´s bushy haired girl? Must I always hurt?

I need him.

"Hermione?" His voice comes now, as his head pops out of the window. "What are you doing? It´s cold. And..you didn´t finish your homework." I smile, knowing this worries him the most. It is cold, and I shiver. I feel his hand reach out, and he touches my arm. Warm on cool. I turn and look in his eyes. They are shining with something akin to knowing. Does he? Does he know what burns in my soul?

Love me.

He is so beautiful, and wonderful, and I want him so badly. I clutch his hand with my other, and look back down. "I´ll be right in, Ron," I say faintly. He slips his hand away, a blush faintly touching his cheeks.

Take me by the bloody hand.

"Are you okay?" he asks me quietly. Ten thousand meanings in those words. Depths that cannot be traveled. What if he doesn´t love me back? I let his hand go and stare out into the sky.

"Yes," I whisper quietly, "Yes, I´m fine."

But I´m not.