Full Moon

Voldemort came back, the Order of the Phoenix rose again, and once again wizarding society had a place for Remus Lupin. For the members of the Order were witches and wizards of the best heart, and they seemed neither to fear him nor to look down on him, united as they were in a common cause.

Their headquarters was in Sirius's house, the old house of the Darkest of aristocratic pure-blood Slytherin families, and Lupin now understood as never before why Sirius had hated his family and why he had run away. He saw testaments to their snobbery and trophies of their cruelty everywhere. The very motto Toujours Pur seemed like a reproach to his own contaminated blood, though he knew it was mostly aimed at Muggle-born witches and wizards. He suspected that werewolves, like Muggles, were so far beneath their contempt that they were only objects to be hunted and killed. The portrait of Sirius's mother, which screamed about all the freaks now in her house, screamed most about filthy blood traitors and filthy Mudbloods or half-bloods, and only occasionally mentioned werewolves, and Lupin supposed he might be as clean in their eyes as the troll whose foot was cut off to make their umbrella stand.

But the evil of the place was more than compensated for by the goodness of the people in it. It was a treat to him to see Harry and Hermione again, and he found himself very glad to see the Weasleys as well, for that lively tribe of amiable redheads seemed to dispel the gloom even with the color of their hair, a bright patch of which was always appearing everywhere. Molly Weasley had moved into the kitchen and was cooking up delicious meals for everyone, and leading a heroic effort to transform this long-abandoned house of Dark Magic into a cozy domestic scene. And there was another new presence that Lupin thought improved their society greatly.

Sirius's favorite cousin Andromeda had, like Sirius, been burned out of the Black family tree, in her case for marrying a Muggle-born wizard. Their cute daughter, Nymphadora Tonks, who insisted that everyone call her Tonks, was already an Auror. People wondered how she could manage to sneak quietly around Dark Wizards, given her tendency to spatial disorientation, but Lupin believed she had the grit that was the most important quality for an Auror. She also had a quality that he admired because he did not see it in himself: that of not caring much what other people thought of her.

Lupin was concerned about Harry, who was understandably miserable about being kept so much in the dark about what was going on. He agreed with Sirius that Harry, given the things he had done, should be treated more like an adult, but he dared not express it as loudly, for he imagined that Molly already saw him as a threat to the kids. They were all worried about the mysterious appearance of dementors in Harry's Muggle neighborhood, and about the threat of Harry's expulsion for daring to save his own and his cousin's lives, but when the decision came down in favor of Harry, and they all heard that Harry had impressed the entire Wizengamot with the news that he had produced a corporeal Patronus, Lupin could not help feeling especially proud, because he knew that Harry had done the same thing over a year earlier, and it was he who had taught Harry to make a Patronus.

Lupin had been greatly impressed by Harry's determination to face down his worst fear at the age of thirteen, and had realized then that Harry was much braver than most wizards. He could empathize with the particular challenge Harry faced in doing this magic, for like Harry, Lupin had a lot more unhappy memories than happy ones. But sometimes when a determined person faces a particularly difficult challenge, he becomes better than most at the thing he faced obstacles in overcoming. Lupin thought that perhaps the difficulties of his own life had made him a better teacher, because he understood the obstacles faced by those who were trying to learn. It occurred to him that whatever he had done wrong that year, and however much of his life had been wasted, at least he had taught those kids something.

***

Sirius was very morose at being a prisoner in the hated home of his childhood, which was deadly dangerous for him to leave, now that his dog disguise might be known and both the Ministry and Voldemort had their nets out for him everywhere. But he had great joy in the sight of Harry and some comfort in the sight of Lupin, and he was not averse to the sight of his young cousin either.

One time she wandered into the kitchen and found him alone, nursing a Butterbeer, and he brightened when he saw her.

"Wotcher, Sirius," she said.

"Nymfy!" he said happily.

"The name's Tonks."

"Your mother called you that when you were little."

"Well I guess she liked that stupid name, or she wouldn't have given it to me."

"Must we really call you by your surname, Tonks? It seems so impersonal."

"Think of it as a nickname, Padfoot," she said, and kissed him on the cheek, and walked away. To her surprise he caught her hand, twirled her around, and pulled her into his lap. He started running a hand up her side and was about to kiss her, but she got up, and when he tried to follow she pushed him back down in his chair, which he barely stopped from tipping him backwards onto the floor.

"You're my cousin, Sirius," she said, more to explain why she had kissed him than to suggest he was being incestuous.

"First cousin, once removed," he recited. He turned away and suddenly looked very ashamed. She remembered that he had been in solitary confinement for twelve years, maybe fourteen and counting, and thinking what that would mean for anyone, she felt sorry for him.

"Once too many, Sirius," she said kindly, "and we hope you'll never be removed again."

But she left the room, for he was not the person she was looking for.

***

Sirius's moping was starting to get on Lupin's nerves, because he knew that one of the reasons for it was that Lupin still refused to let Sirius accompany him on his transformation journeys. The thing that bugged Lupin was that Sirius still did not seem to understand that for Lupin these journeys were not a fun adventure but a very tragic necessity. Lupin could not forget that in their youth Sirius would deliberately seek out danger while Lupin always had it painfully thrust upon him.

Tonks, for her part, was becoming irritated by Sirius's inability to find anything worth doing in the house, combined with his bitter complaints about Kreacher. "He thinks his life has no meaning unless he's out risking it," she said to Lupin, "but he expects everything else to be taken care of by a house-elf or a housewife. Don't you think if he helped around the house a bit more, he and Molly might get along better?"

Lupin, surprised that Tonks would confide in him about Sirius, was startled into honesty. "Molly doesn't want you in the kitchen, Tonks. Do you think she'd want Sirius?"

***

"I think I'll sort out that boggart before I turn in," he heard Molly say, as if she were going to clean dust balls out of the old desk. Lupin was concerned, and his senses were alert as he heard her climb the stairs, for confronting a boggart alone was something different from confronting it in a group, where it would be confused. Lupin knew that there was nothing more dangerous than fear, since both his own fear and the fear others had of him had devastated him as no other curse could have done. He had made confronting a boggart one of his first lessons when he taught at Hogwarts, because he had known that if his students successfully confronted the image of their worst fear, it would give them the heart that would be their greatest asset in fighting any kind of Dark Magic.

When he followed the sounds to the landing he was struck by what he saw, because he had seen many people confront boggarts, and what they feared most was usually some threat to themselves. But what she feared most was harm to her husband or children, which she could not make ridiculous, since it was only too likely. He immediately turned the boggart on himself and for an instant he saw the full moon, but before he had time to be afraid, he willed himself to see the man in the moon and spoke the word "Riddikulus!" and it evaporated with a small poof. He walked over to Molly and she fell into his arms, sobbing. And he was moved that this mother, who feared more than anything for the safety of her children, the safety he had once threatened, now trusted him enough to cry on his shoulder.

***

Tonks was becoming increasingly interested in Lupin, and took any opportunity she could to catch anything he let drop about his life. She thought it was shameful that the Ministry could not even decide whether to class werewolves as "beasts" or "beings," when in fact they were fully human ninety-eight percent of the time, which in her view made them humans with a particular problem. She knew that most werewolves would not go near the Ministry, and she found "Werewolf Support Services" to be something of a joke. Most of them were understandably alienated, given all the rejection they suffered, and became cynical about their hunting of other humans. Most hung around in an underground den off Knockturn Alley, drugging themselves with Firewhiskey and supporting themselves through dubious underground activities. She found out that Lupin had been ousted from every regular job he had ever had when his condition was discovered, and yet before his transformations he Apparated to the most remote part of Scotland, where in the winter he risked hypothermia when he transformed to his human form, in order to minimize his chances of encountering anyone to attack. And now he had rejoined friends most of whom had not enquired after him for over ten years, to serve in a conflict that most werewolves hardly cared about.

She saw that he was very observant and aware of what was going on, and that his was often a voice of reason among them. She saw that he was sensitive and eager to help in many situations, but seemed to be constrained by a sort of caution that she thought came from fear of rejection, very well-founded considering how most witches and wizards usually reacted to werewolves. It was something that had been deeply conditioned in him, she knew, for it would not be a reaction to his treatment in the Order. And she thought that if something could encourage him and give him the confidence he lacked, his kind and caring nature would be set free.

To her his patched-up luggage, shabby clothes and often fuzzy, unshaven face all had a certain raffish charm. When she studied his features she could see that he had been quite nice-looking in his youth, which had not been so long ago. On those rare occasions when he looked happy, she thought he was nice-looking still. She thought that if only something could make him happy on a regular basis, he would be a handsome man.

Lupin noticed that Tonks looked at him a great deal with what he assumed was a look of pity. Although he often felt sorry for himself, he found his hackles rising a bit at the idea that this young woman thought that he was so much more to be pitied than anyone else. He was not sure he was more to be pitied than Sirius, who had been in Azkaban for twelve years, a fugitive for two more, and who was now trapped in this haunted house of bad memories, having to listen to his mother scream horrible things at people all the time. He thought she might have spared some pity for Mad-Eye Moody, who had lost a number of body parts and suffered from a bad case of paranoia, or even for Mundungus Fletcher, who was despised by everyone else in the Order. He had to admit that she did occasionally cast a pitying look at Sirius, but it was clear that she reserved most of her pity for him.

***

He always looked increasingly anxious as the full moon approached. The nights were getting longer and colder, and she knew it would be starting to freeze in the Northwest Highlands. She knew she must talk to him before he left. She followed him into the room where he had been sleeping, and found him packing Muggle clothes into his battered suitcase.

"It's tomorrow night, isn't it?"

"What? Yes."

"How will you get there?"

He sighed. "I'll take a Muggle train to Edinburgh, and then Apparate to the northern forest. I wish I could fly north, but I don't know anyone up there, and I'd have no safe place to leave my broom. I used to check my wand at Gringotts, but now at least I can leave it with Sirius." He looked terribly weary. "I'm so sick of pretending to be a Muggle, and of long distance Apparating, you have no idea, Tonks. But I'm afraid those are my only choices."

That look of pity again. But after what he just said, he knew he deserved it.

"But you always come back, don't you?"

"Well, so far, but I suppose it wouldn't be much of a loss if I didn't."

"It would be a terrible loss, Remus. You have no idea of your own worth."

"What?" he said, startled this time.

"I mean you always come back, don't you? You never stop trying. You've gotten almost nothing but rejection from the Wizarding World, and if the Muggles had known you were a werewolf they'd probably have killed you. And yet you never stop trying to protect people who've done nothing for you. I know what most werewolves are like. They stop thinking it's wrong to attack humans, or they'd go completely bonkers. But you've never lost your human conscience, and never stopped struggling with the combination of that and of knowing what you are."

Lupin looked at her with increasing fascination, for he thought everything she said was true, and no one had ever expressed any appreciation for it before. And then came the words that for once in his life made him doubt his sharp ears:

"I think you're the most courageous man I've ever met."

"Thank you, Tonks," he said as she came nearer. "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."

She drew him to her to kiss him, but when he saw her intention, he pushed her away with an expression on his face of something like terror.

"No! Oh no," he said.

She too was taken aback. "No? I'm sorry. I thought--"

"I'm sorry," he said, and hastily left the room.

He wandered anxiously into an empty room. So she did not just pity him, she admired him, maybe even desired him? She must not know what his condition meant for his relationships with women. Maybe she was just fooling around. But her words had been serious. If she just wanted to have some fun, she was unlikely to choose him, since he was so much older and so shabby looking, besides being a werewolf. If she was serious he'd better discourage it, or she would wind up getting hurt like the others had. If there were bad feelings it would be bad for the Order, she was a friend and comrade in the Order, he would not allow it.

***

"Sirius, you're my kinsman. Can I ask you something in confidence?"

"Sure."

"I'm interested in Remus, and he rebuffs me. Do you think he's not attracted to me, or that it's for some other reason?"

"Probably for another reason," said Sirius. "He's ashamed of his little furry problem. Besides, he probably thinks he's too old for you."

"Do you think you could ask him, in some manner where you'd get the truth, whether or not he finds me attractive?"

"I don't know, Tonks. Remus is pretty sharp. He might not tell the truth if he doesn't want it known."

"Could you get him drunk and ask him?"

Sirius laughed. "You're really a number, cuz."

***

Sirius tried to hand Lupin his fourth Butterbeer, but Lupin pushed it away.

"I've sometimes had a problem with drinking, Sirius. I have to be careful, now I'm in the Order."

Sirius realized he might already have blown it. He pretended to muse before changing the subject.

"You know, I think Tonks is a real asset to the Order."

"I think so too, Sirius," said Lupin.

"Now she's an Auror, those Death Eaters may tremble."

"Indeed they may."

"Do you think she's attractive? It was a tradition in my family."

"Yes, I do," said Lupin, with obvious sincerity, though he thought this rather an odd question about someone who could change her appearance at will, and was amused to hear this sort of family pride from someone who had hated his family. But it was justified, he thought, smiling dreamily as he remembered how both Sirius and his evil cousin Bellatrix had been drop dead gorgeous before their respective stints in Azkaban. Then he suddenly looked frightened and rose from his chair. But Sirius was satisfied that he had already caught his prey.

***

They were alone, but Sirius made a show of whispering in her ear. "He likes you."

"But does he--?"

"Yes. Don't give up, Tonks."

***

Lupin was making a very determined effort never to be alone with Tonks, but one time she walked in on him when he was reading in the drawing room, and he saw that there was no easy escape. He felt a bit like a trapped animal that was unsure whether to run away or play dead. He decided on the latter course.

She thought she better come quickly to the point. "I'm not sure you realize I was serious. Not just in what I said, but in--I mean, I'm interested in you."

"Yes, you do seem to be rather," he said dispassionately, pretending he did not know what she meant.

"I mean, I'm interested in going out with you."

"Where to?"

"Remus, stop it. I mean I'm interested in you as--as a man."

"Oh. Well it's too bad I'm not one, then."

"How can you talk like that?"

"Easily. I am an uncouth beast with no social graces."

She turned and left the room angrily, and the door slammed behind her. Lupin was shaking.

***

Lupin asked Sirius if he would mind telling Tonks that he would stop avoiding her company if she would agree not to make any more overtures.

"Sorry, Remus," said Sirius coldly. "You'll have to speak for yourself this time." For he thought that rejecting his cousin's overtures was the stupidest thing Lupin had ever done.

***

She was surprised that he followed her into the room and sat down next to her.

"Tonks, I owe you an apology for the way I spoke to you last time."

"Yes, you do."

"I'm very flattered that you're interested in me. In fact, I'm overwhelmed. But I have to tell you why I don't think it's a good idea."

She waited.

"You see," he said, as if making some impressive new revelation, "I am a werewolf."

"I've known that since I met you, and it didn't stop me from falling in love with you, so you'll have to come up with something else."

He looked very alarmed at the words "falling in love."

"This is what you think now, but you don't know what it would be like living with me. I can't keep a job for long, even if I can find one. I can't ask you to support me. Every month I make a dangerous journey, and some time may not come back. I may be killing people for all I know, or turning them into werewolves. I have nightmares about it, and I'm not even sure I wouldn't bite someone in my sleep."

"Remus, I've already told you that I admire you for surviving all this. You would be so much better off with a partner. I've heard it all already, except the nightmares. I could wake you up and comfort you. I could give you lots of new material for your dreams."

Oh no, thought Lupin. This has already gone way too far. "You don't know what you're getting into," he said. "You will change your mind, and the longer it takes, the more you'll get hurt. "

She was getting annoyed at this patronage. "So you think I'll stay with you for awhile, and then leave you? Are you sure it isn't yourself you're protecting?"

"No, Tonks. My heart was broken beyond repair long ago, and I gave up all expectations of this kind of thing. I'm too poor to have much to lose. I'm too low to have far to fall. But you--you're young, Tonks. If you expend a lot of time and energy on me, which I can see is what you intend, you will end up regretting the lost time. You will regret the people you could have met in the meantime who would have made you happier. Why should a young, healthy, attractive woman like you be tied to an old werewolf?"

She looked surprised. "You were in Sirius's class, weren't you? You must be in your thirties! You're not that old."

"Do I look like I'm in my thirties?"

"Does Sirius look like he's in his thirties?"

"What on earth does that have to do with it?"

She had to admit he had a point there. "Remus, can't you see it's the life they've made you lead? Don't you think that love could heal you--?"

But again he winced at the word, and she was starting to think it would be best to back off for the time being. She was thinking of a plan that would be slower, but hopefully more fruitful in the long run.

"If we drop this subject for now, can we still be friends?" she asked.

He was immensely relieved. "That's just what I was going to ask you."

So friends they remained, and no one took any notice. No one knew what had passed between them except Sirius, and he kept quiet about it, out of consideration for both of them.

***

Tonks knew that the thing that would help Lupin the most and the most quickly would be to obtain the Wolfsbane Potion. She knew that Snape had made it for him the year he taught at Hogwarts. She asked him whether he had ever been able to get it after that.

"No, unfortunately. The apothecary on Diagon Alley doesn't even know how to make it, and he says the ingredients are difficult to obtain, so it's expensive. I ordered it, but he doesn't know whether he'll ever get it. Apparently the wizard who invented wasn't as public-spirited as he was cracked up to be."

"But Professor Snape knows how to make it? Didn't he make it for you at the school? Isn't there any chance he would make it for you again?"

"I doubt it. Severus hates me."

"Why?"

"I was a member of a clique that was horrible to him at school."

"At school? Wasn't that twenty years ago?"

"He has a hard time letting go," said Lupin sadly. "He helped to get me sacked."

"Did he stop making the potion?"

"Not while I was at the school. It was Dumbledore's decision to hire me, though Severus tried to talk him out of it. Severus couldn't refuse to make the potion then. He did it for the school, not for me. The way he wanted to get me sacked was not by having me attack a bunch of students."

"It wouldn't have to be for you now, either, would it? Isn't it for your potential victims?"

"It isn't his responsibility any more."

"Did you ever think of writing to him, and just hearing what he would say?"

"I did think of it, in fact I came close to doing it, but I realized it would be pointless. I wouldn't have been able to pay him for long, and he dislikes me too much to do me a favor. I think he'd prefer to see me captured and killed."

"I could help to pay for it, and I'm sure there are others in the Order who would. What about Dumbledore?"

"What about him?"

"Did he say anything to you about it before you left? Give you any advice? Did he just set you loose on the world?"

"He probably knew there was no way I could get it."

"Did he say that?"

"No."

"Did you ask him?"

"No. I couldn't ask any more favors of Dumbledore. I left in disgrace."

"Well, it sounds as if you don't owe a lot of favors to Snape. But now there's a war on, aren't we all responsible for each other? Why is he fighting Voldemort, unless he cares about all of us?"

"I don't know, Tonks. The man is inscrutable. Who can figure him out?"

"If you don't know, what do you have to lose by asking him?"

"I know what his answer would be."

Tonks sucked air through her teeth. "How do you know, if you haven't asked him?"

"I know Severus."

"No you don't. You just said he was inscrutable."

Lupin was quiet.

"Well, if you won't write to him, I will. But it's ridiculous. Maybe his response will help us figure him out."

"Fine. You do that. And give me a chance to say 'I told you so.' "

Snape's response took longer than Lupin expected, but when it came, its contents did not surprise him.

Dear Ms. Tonks,

I believe Dumbledore has other plans for Lupin. My own assignment from the Order is demanding and dangerous. The Wolfsbane Potion is time-consuming to make, and the ingredients are difficult to obtain at a time like this. Since you are an Auror, I suggest that you not waste your time acting as Mr. Lupin's secretary.

Severus Snape

Tonks was not amused. "I told you you should write to him yourself," she said testily.

"It obviously wouldn't have made any difference." But what were these "other plans" Dumbledore had for him? What work could he do better without the Wolfsbane Potion? I may have work for you in the future that no one else can do. Lupin was starting to feel a sort of apprehensive dread.

***

It was the hardest subject to broach, but she felt she must broach it, if she was going to understand his situation well enough to help.

"Remus, are you still in touch with your family? I've never heard you mention them."

"No."

"You said you went underground because you couldn't make a living here. Is that when you lost touch?"

"No, it was before that. It was after I left school."

"But they must have kept visiting you when you were at school. They must have been very proud that you did so well on your exams, and to see you graduate. How did that relationship end so suddenly?"

"It wasn't really so sudden. When I was at Hogwarts, my relationship with them became more and more superficial. They came when the other parents did, but those visits weren't usually private, and they were constrained by the fact that it was a secret that I was a werewolf. I stayed at Hogwarts in the summer so I could use the Shrieking Shack. My parents didn't know of any other way to make my transformations safe. I became closer to my friends at school than to them. James Potter and Sirius and Peter Pettigrew were my family."

"I don't really understand. Was that a reason to sever ties with your own family?"

"Tonks, do you know why Sirius is an Animagus?"

"Didn't he do it to keep you company and protect people from you? Wasn't it that business about how you all turned into animals and explored the area at the full moon? It sounded like great fun."

"Yes, it was great fun, and very dangerous to others. If Dumbledore had found out, we probably would have been expelled. Dumbledore would have been very disillusioned and disappointed in me, as he ended up being later, but it would have killed my parents.

"When I was bitten, my parents thought I was condemned. They spent years trying to find anything they could to cure my lycanthropy, but there was no cure. Then came Dumbledore. Dumbledore was the only headmaster who would ever have admitted a werewolf to Hogwarts. He went to great trouble to make the arrangements for it, with the enchantments on the Shrieking Shack and the Whomping Willow, and keeping the reason a secret from everyone. My parents understood that better than I did, because I was just a little boy. Dumbledore was the only wizard who ever tried to give a werewolf such a chance in life. Can you imagine how they would have felt if I had been thrown back on them because I had thrown it away?"

"But you never did harm anyone, and you weren't expelled, were you? Your parents didn't have to know. Remus, lots of teenagers break the rules and keep secrets from their parents. Your friends were doing it too. Only with you the stakes were higher because of a condition that was not your fault. You alone were supposed to suffer. You would have had to be better than the others just to break even."

Again, this understanding that he had never heard from anyone else.

"What happened after you left the school?"

"That was during the First War. I was in the Order of the Phoenix. It was a secret organization."

Tonks looked at him as if he were crazy. "We're all in the Order of the Phoenix, and that doesn't mean we lose our families. Most of our families are supportive. Most can keep a secret, and if they don't, we do. Of course it was different with Sirius. But your family didn't support Voldemort, did they?"

"Of course not."

"How did you lose them, then?"

"I never gave them my address. I wanted to spare them the pain of either having to disown me or having a werewolf for a son."

Tonks looked even more incredulous. "They had accepted you for ten years as a werewolf and as their son! You disowned them! You wanted to spare them by breaking their hearts?"

"It was different when I was little. When they sent me to Hogwarts, it was just about the time I was starting to become dangerous. You should have seen how relieved they were to get me off their hands, and who could blame them? You should have seen how happy they were to put me on the train."

"Remus, they must have been happy that you were going to Hogwarts!" There were tears in her eyes. "They were probably proud of you."

He looked away.

"Tonks, no one wants a werewolf for a son." His voice had become shaky. "They couldn't ever disown me, because I was their son. I couldn't ask them to support me as an adult. They would have felt obliged to, because I couldn't keep a job. They would have felt responsible for what I did when I was transformed. Can you imagine what it would have done to them, knowing their son was a murderer?"

"A murderer? They knew you couldn't help what you did when you were transformed. They would have been proud that you didn't want to be like the other werewolves, that you wanted to work, that you served in the war, and that you wanted to protect others. They might have been able to help you."

She couldn't understand what he said, but only heard a strange noise.

"You didn't want to know, did you? It was easier to assume they didn't want you than to find out, wasn't it? It was yourself you were trying to spare, wasn't it?"

He had turned his back to her, and she realized he was actually crying. He would not want her to see that. She suddenly felt terrible about putting him through this, when she did not have the option of taking him in her arms and comforting him. It was something she often wanted to do, but she resisted the impulse, because she was afraid if she did it she would drive him away again.

"I'm sorry, Remus. It was none of my business."

***

"Remus, when you left your post at Hogwarts, did Dumbledore ask for your resignation, or did you offer it first?"

"Second one. I wanted to spare him the pain of having to ask for it."

"Why would he ask for it?"

"It became generally known that I was a werewolf, and the parents would have been terrified for their kids, and would have demanded it."

"How did it become known?"

"Severus outed me at the breakfast table."

"And Dumbledore let him get away with that?" she said indignantly.

"Tonks, he had made the potion for me the night before, and I forgot to take it, because I ran out after Peter when I found out he was alive. That was when I found out Sirius was innocent, the night Sirius made his second escape. Severus still thought Sirius was guilty and that I was conspiring with him." She need not know that Severus tried to send him to Azkaban. She might think that was unforgivable, and it was bad enough having Sirius and Severus at each other's throats.

"That was a night of strange events, wasn't it?"

"Yes, very strange."

"Sirius told me about his escape. It sounded like something straight out of a children's fairy tale. He said that Harry and Hermione traveled in time and helped him escape on the back of that hippogriff. That was, of course, after Harry had saved all of their lives by perfectly reproducing his father's Patronus. They must have had a time-turner, but where on earth did they get it? The Ministry hardly gives them out to anyone."

"Hermione had it so she could study a million subjects at once. You know, Tonks, I'll be cursed if there's anything those kids can't do. It's a good thing they were there, because I was worse than useless. I was off in the woods having my little furry episode." There was an increasing note of self-disgust in his voice. "It was my fault--"

"That you taught Harry to make a Patronus. Well, it's a good thing they're on our side, or we'd be done for. But Remus, the circumstances were extraordinary. You would never have forgotten again, would you?"

"I couldn't take a chance. Anyway, the parents would never have given me one."

"Did the parents know about the Wolfsbane Potion?"

"I doubt it. It was a recent invention."

"Couldn't Dumbledore have tried to educate them about it? You had the whole summer, didn't you?"

"If Dumbledore thought that was possible, he would have done it before I even started. Dumbledore is the most liberal-minded wizard in the world, and he didn't think I could work there openly as a werewolf. He had enough trouble convincing the staff. Can you imagine the parents?"

"That was before you had proved yourself as a teacher, wasn't it? Remus, Harry and his friends said the kids really liked you. They said you were a great teacher. Wouldn't the parents also have heard that from their kids?"

"Adults don't listen to kids very much, unfortunately. Tonks, they would have been terrified. If they had started pulling their kids out of the school, it would not only have been a disaster for Dumbledore and Hogwarts, it would have been a disaster for the whole Wizarding World."

"You just assumed they would demand your resignation. Couldn't you have made a case for yourself, and then accepted Dumbledore's decision, whatever it was?"

"I couldn't do that to Dumbledore."

"Or you couldn't stand to hear him say no."

"I did hear it. Tonks, Dumbledore doesn't accept people's resignations unless he wants them to leave. He argues with them."

"Dumbledore may be the most liberal older wizard, but we need to look to the future. You're a man, Remus. Did it ever occur to you that you could live without Dumbledore's patronage? What do you have to lose by speaking up? The Ministry is in a very regressive phase right now, but some of us are determined to see change, and change can't just come from the top. Werewolves who want to go mainstream need to try to make their case, not just accept the dictates of the ignorant."

Lupin could remember having this discussion over a year earlier, and suddenly a picture flashed in his mind of a warm, brash, optimistic idealist whose genuine concern for others had not yet left a streak of grey in his dark brown hair or a line in his fresh young face.

"Say, Tonks, did you ever meet Steve Gillyfeld at St. Mungo's? He'd be perfect for you."

Tonks looked at him sadly, but Lupin followed his train of thought. Gillyfeld had been very outspoken against the Ministry even then, and the Ministry had become much worse. Lupin knew that Lucius Malfoy had been showering gold on the hospital in recent years in order to promote his image as a philanthropist, which had helped gain him influence at the Ministry. It occurred to Lupin that if Gillyfeld knew that Voldemort was back or that Malfoy was a Death Eater, his job might be in jeopardy, perhaps even his life. Lupin doubted that contact with him would help him any. He suspected that Gillyfeld was not Order of the Phoenix material, because he could not imagine that Healer either wielding a wand as a weapon or keeping a secret.

When he looked at Tonks again, he saw that she had been musing too.

"Maybe Hogwarts isn't the best place to start, since the teachers live at the school, which means being there at night, and kids may be slower in seeing the warning signs of danger, though they certainly have to learn quickly there. But Remus, did you ever think of teaching adults?"

"Adults? They are very busy with their jobs and families. They tend to be settled in their ways, and have already learned whatever magic they need to use."

"That's just it, they have been settled in their ways, so they haven't kept up with magic that they don't usually use. But you've had to live with danger and uncertainty all your life. Even pretending to be a Muggle with a magic act must have taken tremendous control over your magic, and you've always had to deal with your transformations. You knew your stuff well enough to come back and be a good Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Witches and wizards can sense danger in the air, whatever the Ministry wants them to think. I bet there are many who would like to brush up on skills that have become rusty. There are many adult witches and wizards who can't even make a corporeal Patronus."

"Then I'd probably have to teach at night, because most people work during the day."

"Not necessarily. Witches and wizards have all kinds of schedules. Anyway, it wouldn't be mandatory, like at Hogwarts. They could quit whenever they wanted to. You wouldn't need to advertise yourself as a werewolf. If they found out, you could just show them the schedule and the lunar calendar, and they would see that you were nowhere near them at the full moon. You could say that you didn't mention it because it wasn't relevant to the services you were offering. If they didn't like it, they could always quit. But eventually you would build up a client base, because you're good. Kids you taught at Hogwarts will soon be adults, and they may give you references or want to follow up with you. It would probably be more fruitful than trying to convince some stupid old wizard to hire you at a regular job."

As he listened, Lupin had tried to find an objection to what she was saying, but realized that in fact she had a brilliant idea.

"You know, Tonks, that's a great idea. Why didn't I ever think of that?"

"Because you have a depressed way of thinking. But you know, Remus, sometimes it takes a fresh pair of eyes. It's easier to think of solutions to other people's problems than to your own."

"I won't be able to start now, though, and probably not until the end of the war. It would take time to get it off the ground, and it sounds as if Dumbledore has some mission planned for me that will probably take all my time."

"I think you're right. But remember in the meantime that you have a promising future."

He became abstracted. "But you know, there's nothing like teaching kids, because their minds are open and flexible. They haven't become too discouraged yet to change their ideas of what they can do. You can convince them that they can do anything they want if they have enough determination, and if they believe it, it will be true. They make amazing progress, if you encourage them and give them confidence."

She felt how sad it was that he had lost his teaching post, and thought he must be feeling that too, but when she looked at his face again she saw it illuminated with one of those rare looks of joy that took ten years off it and made him so handsome in her eyes.

"You know, Remus," she said a little mischievously, "there are other ways of having a relationship with kids besides being a teacher. If you want--" But she checked herself, because his face had gone deadpan.

She was increasingly puzzled. They were very often alone together, often near each other, and she knew he confided in her and talked to her about things he would never discuss with the others, though it may have been that the others never asked. She always felt like making physical demonstrations of affection and support to him, but always checked herself, and she knew that this was obvious and that, observant as he was, he must notice; but he completely ignored it and evinced no interest in it. Had Sirius been wrong? Maybe Remus had spoken warmly of her and Sirius had gotten the wrong impression. Such misunderstandings happened. She was starting to think that if he had any sexual feelings for her at all, this was the most masterful performance of self-control she had ever seen. But she reflected that a skilled wizard who had pretended to be a Muggle for ten years must be capable of a masterful performance of self-control.

***

Lupin and Sirius were worried all year about Harry, and they filled Tonks in about Harry and Voldemort so that she would not miss out on any of the worrying. Harry had an especially tough row to hoe that year, what with most people at Hogwarts thinking he was crazy, the Ministry out to get him, the Daily Prophet telling lies about him, Dumbledore avoiding him, Voldemort trying to break into his mind, and the only person available to teach him to resist being a teacher who treated him like dirt.

Of course they all knew about that horrible witch who had been sicced on Hogwarts by the Ministry to make sure the students didn't learn anything, especially that Voldemort was back. Earlier in the year, the news had trickled into Order headquarters of how Harry had stood up alone in her class, in that school where so many people already thought he was crazy, and spoken the word "Voldemort," which even most adults did not dare to breathe, loudly to her face. And Lupin realized that besides his physical courage and the courage to face his worst fears, Harry had a kind of courage that Lupin had never had: the courage to openly defy social pressure. And Lupin's admiration for Harry increased still more.

Then came the day when Harry took such pains to seek them out to discuss the miserable memory that Severus had meant to hide from him in the Pensieve. It had not been a happy memory for Lupin either, and it sometimes appeared strangely in his dreams. For Lupin's shame at the excess of his friends' cruelty to Severus, and of his own fear of getting involved, even though it had been his duty as a prefect, had marred what should have been one of the proudest days of his life: the day he passed his O.W.L.s, possibly the first werewolf ever to do so. Added to that had been his disgust at hearing Severus reject Lily, who had stood by him for five years, because she was a Muggle-born witch. Lupin could not understand that a boy of any creed or in any frame of mind could throw away such attention, for when it came to girls, Remus Lupin the teenager, though not unhandsome, was completely out of the loop. And from such a one as Lily...

But oh Harry, he thought. Harry had much more reason to hate Severus than his father had ever had, yet he had been so appalled by their behavior that he had apparently been desperate to seek out Sirius for some explanation. And Lupin realized that not only was the boy incredibly courageous, but very sensitive as well. But Harry had never taken Occlumency seriously enough, and seemed to be relieved to be let off the hook, which could be a disaster. But it was Severus who had cancelled the lessons because Harry had seen the memory. Would that man never grow up? Must he always insist on getting Harry so wrong?

***

Harry's lack of Occlumency soon led to a whirlwind of events that included the death of Sirius, the near-death of Harry and five of his friends, the Ministry's admission that Voldemort was back, the sacking of Minister Fudge, and the restoration of Dumbledore to his rightful place as headmaster of Hogwarts. The Order would no longer have to be fighting a war on two fronts, and Dumbledore would be freer to lead their effort. But the loss of Sirius fell like a lead weight on Lupin.

Yet Lupin had been one of the adults who had answered the call to rescue the kids from the Ministry, and he knew that Sirius need not have come walking into the seat of the government from which he was the most wanted fugitive in the world. And Lupin had been in the battle of the Department of Mysteries, and he had seen Bellatrix aim at Sirius and miss, and heard him taunt her, with the familiarity of a cousin, "Come on, you can do better than that!" And he was convinced that his old friend had been a madman to the last.

Lupin and Tonks understood each other, for they had both loved Sirius, and were both quiet about their grief. Now they often enjoyed each other's company without talking much, and still no one took any notice.

***

He sat in a chair in the sitting room. It was a sultry summer day. Tonks was there. Sirius was gone. Sirius was gone...Sirius was his friend...he is drop dead gorgeous, and James is the school Quidditch star, and they are at the top of their class in everything...he is just a werewolf, but they are his friends...out of the corner of his eye he sees Severus on the ground, sees them standing over him, pointing their wands imperiously...he does not want to see...he hears the hexes: Scourgify and Severus choking, Levicorpus and people applauding...he does not want to hear...he has sold his authority as a prefect so he could exchange solitary nights of suffering for magical ramblings with his friends...gambling with his parents' sacrifice for a bag of magic tricks...he cannot say the words he should have said: Gryffindors do not fight two on one, or attack people who are already down.

Gryffindors do not fight two on one he sees himself and Sirius roll up their sleeves and throw Peter to the floor of the Shrieking Shack or attack people who are already down he sees himself and Sirius standing over Peter, raising their wands in unison to cast the most Unforgivable Curse...but Peter destroyed his friends and all the happiness of his youth ...Severus has not done it yet...you wait, you wait until I'm a Death Eater...what has he ever done to Severus...it's more the fact that he exists, and he is a werewolf...being a werewolf, he has done it many times...but not to Harry, no, not to Harry...someone is shaking him...

It is Tonks. He is so relieved to see her face that he wants to look at it forever. She looks concerned.

"You just dozed off, Remus, but you seemed to be having a nightmare."

"Where's Harry?" he asked absently, almost as if they were a married couple and Harry was their son.

"He's with his uncle and aunt. We'll see him again soon," she said almost consolingly.

"When we see him, would you remind me to apologize for what I said to him, and to thank him for my soul?"

She was concerned again. She thought his adulation of Harry had become excessive, and it might be just as well if Harry didn't know about it. Then he did the last thing she was expecting. He winked at her.

"Don't ever change the shape of your face again, because I like it the way it is."

Surely this time, she thought, and put an arm around his neck and leaned in to kiss him, but he gently, almost apologetically, removed it and pushed her away. But she felt some response and saw something in his eye that made her think that Sirius had probably been right. It had always been self-control.

Don't give up, Tonks came a voice from beyond the veil.

Such a man this was.

***

Then one fine evening Dumbledore showed up at headquarters and asked to speak to Lupin in private. They went into the empty sitting room, and Dumbledore indicated a couch and sat down on a chair opposite.

"Good evening, Remus," he said pleasantly. "It is too long since I have had the pleasure of your company. Would you care for a glass of wine?"

Lupin did not see any wine. "No thank you, Professor Dumbledore." He knew he had to speak before he lost his nerve.

"Professor Dumbledore, I know you have come here to ask something of me. But I also wish to ask something of you, if you are willing to hear it. If so, would you prefer that I speak first, or wait?"

Dumbledore looked surprised. "By all means, speak first, Remus. I am most interested to hear it."

"When I had the privilege of teaching at your school," Lupin began, "I also had the privilege of working alongside a very able potions master, who knew how to make a potion that I have not been able to obtain anywhere else. I know this man has a great dislike for me, and did not want me at your school, but in spite of this he faithfully made the potion for me, in order to protect others. I still want to protect others, and now that I am in the Order of the Phoenix, and am living and working alongside friends, I think that it would benefit you all if I were safer and were able to live a more normal life. I wondered whether there was any way it could be arranged, with your support and the support of the other members, for Professor Snape to make the potion for me again. Surely he knows that what we are doing now is more important than what my friends did to him at school? Is he not yet sated with revenge on me?"

"I think you should know the truth, Remus. Severus didn't try to block your appointment or to get you sacked simply because he wanted revenge for what your friends did to him at school. He thought you might be dangerous, even though we had the potion. He thought that you had deliberately risked his life, and perhaps the lives of others, when you were both students. We all thought that Sirius was very dangerous, and he thought you might still be Sirius's friend, and that you might be helping him."

"Very clever of him," said Lupin. "Had he forgotten that I was also James's friend? Did he try to block his own appointment because he had risked the lives of others by becoming a Death Eater? Much as it may have disappointed him, didn't he find out that Sirius was innocent?"

"I know he was very biased against you, and obviously I did not agree with him," said Dumbledore, "but the events of that year did little to change his view. There is a certain map that shows the location of everyone in and around the castle. I don't doubt that it is in good hands. But Severus was very angry that you confiscated it from him and lied to him about what it was. Even now that he knows the truth about Sirius, he also knows that you knew how Sirius entered the castle. He still thinks you were being careless with Harry's life."

Lupin felt a chill. Had he been careless with Harry's life, or had he given Harry two years with Sirius, or both? This doubt had lurked not far beneath the surface during the summer of his depression. But he knew that Severus had no love for Harry. Was Dumbledore speaking for Severus, or for himself? All Severus had wanted then was revenge on Sirius.

"If Sirius had been caught sooner, he would have been thrown straight to the dementors, and no one would have heard the truth," said Lupin. "Severus tried his best to make sure that happened as it was."

"I would have given Sirius a hearing. Severus works for me, not for the Ministry. He couldn't stop me from hearing the truth."

"You can't control what the Ministry does, even at your own school. They couldn't wait to execute Sirius right under your nose, without listening to you. They did the same with Barty Crouch, Jr."

Dumbledore looked at Lupin sharply.

"Did you believe all along that Sirius was innocent?"

Lupin did not meet his eye. "I didn't know what to believe, except that the Sirius I knew had a soul, and he loved James Potter to the depths of that soul, and if he really did what they said he did, then he must already have been kissed by a dementor, and I didn't see the point of repeating the exercise."

There was a trace of a smile on Dumbledore's face, but sadness in his eyes.

"I would have given you a hearing, Remus, if you had not chosen to keep secrets from me. I would not have dismissed you because of what you did as a teenager. If you had told me about your animal friends before the term started, I would have apprehended Sirius and kept him hidden as a dog until we had a chance to verify his story. I never approved the use of dementors. I had no reason to doubt the evidence against him, but I knew well the government that condemned him. For myself I need not have feared him. I would have heard his claim that Mr. Pettigrew was in the castle, and I could have borrowed Mr. Weasley's rat from him before he knew that I suspected his true identity, and tested returning him to his human form. We would have had evidence that the Ministry could not have ignored. Though I must admit that your friend's behavior made it nearly impossible for anyone to save him."

Lupin was ashamed. Dumbledore was so powerful and so just, he probably would have done all that. But did Dumbledore know that Lupin had been quiet because he was so ashamed of having betrayed Dumbledore's trust in the first place? Lupin had failed Dumbledore as a student, as a prefect, and as a teacher. Dumbledore must know by now that Lupin had never been worthy of his trust.

"I could not have you remain at the school, but I meant to indicate that our relationship was not over, and to give you the means to get back on your feet. But Severus felt it was beyond the call of duty for him to make the potion for you after you left, and strictly speaking, he was right. He could not make it for all the werewolves, and he didn't know that you were more to be trusted than another werewolf. He thought that if you were on your own, there would be no one there to make sure that you took it."

Why didn't he just poison me, thought Lupin, who was now utterly humiliated. Probably because he dislikes me too much to do me such a favor.

But those blue eyes were penetrating him again, and their expression was kind.

"Severus does not understand your heart any better than you understand his, Remus."

Lupin was emboldened to speak again.

"Does it make a difference that we are now comrades in the Order, risking our lives on the same side in a war? Doesn't he know that it will benefit us all if I am not a threat to others? If he thinks I'm irresponsible, doesn't he know that I have friends who are watching me now?"

Dumbledore looked troubled.

"Remus, Severus was not lying when he said he cannot do it now." So Severus must have told Dumbledore about Tonks's request. "Some of the ingredients need to be gathered fresh from places we no longer have access to. Severus is an undercover agent as well as a potions master. Unfortunately, we are not the only ones who have concerned ourselves in this matter."

Lupin was startled. He didn't know anyone had concerned themselves in the matter, besides Tonks. Again he was not sure for whom Dumbledore was speaking. But he knew he had given it his best shot, and obtained a certain answer, and he suspected he knew what was coming next.

Dumbledore seemed to ponder for a moment before speaking again. "Remus, I know your life has been very difficult. It is greatly to your credit that you still want to obtain the means to avoid harming others. It is also to your credit that you have joined us again. I believe there is an area where you above all others can make a difference to our effort.

"As you know too well, we wizards have often not done a good job of reaching out to those who are different from us. The werewolves expect little from us, and they are susceptible to manipulation by people who, in the long run, mean them even more harm. I do not believe they are committed in the current conflict, but some of them are helping Voldemort. I think it may not be too late to influence them.

"Since you yourself are a werewolf, you may be able to gain their trust. You know very well what kind of treatment really awaits them if Voldemort wins. They are not likely to listen to arguments of this from ordinary wizards. They have little trust of any of us, and tend to follow what they see as their short-term advantage. The Death Eaters are luring them with access to prey. But they might listen to one of their own, whom they see as sharing their interests."

"I don't think other werewolves regard me as one of their own, or as sharing their interests," said Lupin. "I have shunned them for almost fifteen years, because in my human state, at least, I never came to terms with the hunting of humans. They found that out in my youth, and they took it as a judgment on themselves. They no doubt think I am a snob, because I have always tried to live only in the human world, and not in theirs. I don't imagine that they will accept me or trust me at all, after all these years."

"I think you may be surprised, Remus," said Dumbledore. "Whatever you have tried to do, they know you cannot change the fact that you are a werewolf, and that you have suffered the same kind of discrimination and rejection that they do, except among themselves. If you go back to them, they will see that you are no longer rejecting them, and they will think it is natural that you should seek them out, for all werewolves have some shared experience. If they believe you have come back to them, they will not reject you."

"If they are to believe I have come back to them, I must not be seen as an emissary from you or other non-werewolves. I will have to at least appear to sever my ties with my current friends, and I will have to live among them and do as they do. Their hangout is a large underground drinking hole off Knockturn Alley. This is the center of their social life. I will have to take lodgings near there. If I argue to them that they should side with us, they may not know I am an agent from the Order, but the Death Eaters will know, for they know who I am, and we know of at least one werewolf who is a Death Eater.

"I will be alone, and there is no policing of that area. I can enchant my own lodgings, but the Death Eaters could pick me off like a fly in Knockturn Alley. You know I do not avoid danger, if there is a reason for it. I have risked my life many times for our cause, and you know I will do so again. But I don't think it will benefit our cause for you to send me on a suicide mission."

"You are used to watching your back, Remus, and we will discreetly be watching it too. Voldemort's cronies may surprise you too, for they cannot believe that we have ever really accepted you as an equal, and they may also think that you are really returning to your own kind. Often prejudiced people believe that more tolerant people are secretly just as prejudiced as they are, only pretend not to be. It isn't as dangerous as what I ask Severus to do."

Lupin reflected that that was probably true, for Severus worked as a spy surrounded by Death Eaters right under Voldemort's nose, pitting nothing but his famous Occlumency against Voldemort's famous Legilimency.

"I'm afraid that is not the greatest danger, Professor Dumbledore," said Lupin. He hesitated for a moment. "You see, as you said, I am a werewolf, and it is a condition I cannot change. And indeed I have usually faced the kind of rejection from the mainstream Wizarding World that other werewolves face. I can't help wanting to be accepted, and if they do accept me, I may indeed slip into their world. Other werewolves have come to terms with what they are, and most of them do not try to protect others from them. I cannot really blame them, for I have suffered all my life from despising what I am.

"I now Apparate to the most remote and uninhabited part of Scotland before my transformations. Many werewolves do not know how to Apparate. The forests where they transform are not so far from here. They still know each other in their other state. If I disappear every month before the rise of the moon, they will know that I still reject their ways, and they will know I am still not one of them, and I will not gain their confidence. Either my mission will be hopeless, or I will become a certain danger to others again. I may be lost."

"Even so," said Dumbledore, "there are people in the north of Scotland, and you cannot be sure you encounter no one there. And here there are many werewolves. Surely the depredations of one more will add relatively little to the total?"

Lupin was shocked. This did not sound to him like Dumbledore. He no longer felt like a schoolboy. He turned and looked Dumbledore straight in the face.

"I know what is at stake in this war, and I joined this army to serve, not to be protected. Yes, I am used to watching my back, and will gladly put it wherever it is needed. But is it worth sacrificing one innocent life, perhaps many, to an uncertain chance of serving the greater good?"

Lupin thought that Dumbledore looked for a moment like an expert duelist who had been unable to parry a hex. He pressed his advantage.

"And my soul, Dumbledore? Or do you think I have none left?"

There was a pause, and then Dumbledore spoke very seriously.

"I do not fear for your soul, Remus, because I know you better than that. The man who has spoken the words that you have tonight will never become what you say that you fear becoming. As to things that you cannot control, they never have been and never will be held to your account.

"You are very perceptive, Remus. If you go among them and sense that they will listen to you at all, please try to reason with them. If you realize that it is too late, or that you cannot influence their view of what is happening, please observe them for as long as you can and report to me what you find out. When you need to come back, come back. We do not want to lose you."

To Lupin's amazement, the blue eyes twinkled as of old.

"I have complete confidence in you."

"Thank you, sir. I'll do my best." But although he appreciated Dumbledore's kind words, Lupin left the room with a heavy heart, for he still thought that the confidence was misplaced.