Still Water

Title: Still Water

Author Name: Azarni-Chan

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Books 1-5 and possibly 6. Written between Order of Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince. Sirius Black is still alive, and this story is slightly AU, as some events havent happened, but others have. I'll let you know more throughout the story

Genre: Angst, Slash, Romance

Pairing: Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy

Summary: Draco hates his life. He has been writing in his diary for a while now; all his dark and secret thoughts, the thoughts he doesn't want anyone else knowing. One night he realises that he no longer wants to live. What will happen when Harry finds Draco's diary on his bed? Will he save the young Slytherin, or let him die? What are their feelings regarding one another? Slash. DracoHarry.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or anything remotely related with the Harry Potter books. It all belongs to J.K.Rowling. any poetry that appears will probably be mine, and I will make it clear if it is or isn't at the end of each chapter.

Author's Notes: Hello. Welcome to one of my first HPDM fics. Actually, it's one of my first (I only currently have two so far *sniffle*) Harry Potter fics ever. I really need to get started writing more.

I am currently fixated on one pairing and one pairing only- HarryXDraco. Oh, and I like HarryXSeamus too. As you have probably gathered by now (apart from my inevitable weirdness), I am a slash-aholic. I can't help it. So, this fic is slash. If you don't like male/male relationships, then please leave. I don't tolerate homophobes. Flame me all you like; I will simply just laugh. Please enjoy my story, and feel free to contact me on my email, [email protected] and I will be glad to talk.

I also do a lot of fruits basket fics, too, for my fellow furuba fans. .

Still Water

Chapter 1--Don't Want To Be Saved--

Diary of Draco Malfoy-10^th October, 2003

I want to be saved.

I want someone there to hold me, tell me that everything is going to be okay.

To whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

Someone to pull me out of this hole I am drowning in.

But at the same time, I want to drown.

I want to drown in my misery.

I don't want to be saved.

Love.

The bane of my existence.

The one thing I loathe yet cannot get enough of.

The one thing that can save me; the one thing that will be my downfall.

I know how stupid and clichéd that sounds.

"Love is my defeat...Love will be the death of me; my downfall."

But it's true.

It will.

The sweetness that I cannot have, yet have too much of--Love, will smother me.

Overwhelm me so I cannot breathe.

Make me feel special only to be crushed like a small insignificant bug.

It is the picture-the essence-of my downfall.

The epitome of the one thing that truly understands me.

The one thing that understands how broken I am, and who will act upon it.

Who will heal me, only to crush me.

To raise me up; then let me fall.

You wonder why I say such things?

You wonder what could have me in this state.

You wonder what my downfall is.

I'll tell you.

My bane--Is Harry Potter.

***

People often wonder why people do such drastic things.

They think it's psychological--Melodramatic.

They are entirely wrong.

It is completely Emotional.

Sheer emotion drives people to such an extent, to such a frayed state that they can no longer feel or endure certain things--like hope and happiness. And love.

And so it was, that on the 13^th of October, 2003, that Harry Potter--just starting his 7^th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry--found a diary with the aforementioned content it (and much more before it), lying on the pillow of his four poster bed.

There was one last entry in it, dated 13^th October, 2003.

This was the entry that drove him to bolt down to the lake in the middle of the night, to find one Draco Malfoy walking into the deep, dark depths of the silent water, obviously having cast a weight-increasing charm on himself.

This is what drove him to scream out the other boy's name--to stop him committing the horrible sin he had in mind.

This is what drove him to realise that he had feelings toward the blonde-haired Slytherin.

This is what made him realise that he was in love.

***

Diary of Draco Malfoy, 13^th October, 2003.

My soul has been diminished; shattered.

Obliterated into a billion tiny pieces.

I looked into his eyes today.

I looked into his emerald green eyes, the eyes that captivated and entranced, intrigued and burned me with their passion and life.

What I saw in their clear depths when they rested on me has driven me to a decision.

I saw hate.

Pure, unadulterated hate; directed at me.

And in that one moment--that one, heart stopping moment--I saw for real what I was.

What I had become.

What I had let myself become.

And I hated it.

I hated myself.

The second I saw that raw, loathing emotion in his eyes, I was broken.

And in that moment I realised that I did not deserve to live.

I did not deserve to blemish that clear, pure gaze that was glaring so hatefully at me.

I did not deserve to mar his perfect existence any more than I had.

Harry Potter.

The perfect being.

My love.

My downfall.

I like water. It is still, quiet, dark, and its ethereal depths entice and intrigue me.

Like an invitation into the unknown.

Like me, it is cold.

It can be disturbed by a ripple, but stays cold and distant; enigmatic.

And I realised that this was where I was meant to be.

So I go to my eternal rest, where I may receive the punishment I deserve for my sins and unearned life.

And so I die.

***

Rain

I am slipping shattering

I can no longer hold onto reality

no longer see what is really me

the things I hear so flattering

yet I am blank and empty

so what is really me?

lost and see-through

yet opaque and unreadable

why cant I see me if I can see you?

my fate is all but illegible

the thoughts I think

are spinning round

and I seem to sink

into the ground

flashing colours and flashing lights

I want to run into the night

Wild and free no burdens to bear

No thoughts to think, no reason to care

Emotionless yet full of pain

I want to run into the pouring rain

Let all my troubles wash away

Just forget for only one day

The weight that weighs me down, I bear

And solely for the fact that I care

These things that bring me crashing down

Let them in the falling rain drown

Drift away on a light breezy wind

Don't want to think about the thing.

But it comes back, every single time

To haunt me and with tears to make me blind.

I love you, this you have to know

My heart is frozen over with snow

To stop the pain that sears me so

Please, my soul, please do not go.

The Loneliness Of A Broken Soul

Darkness beckons with a blood red fist

The rays of sunshine shine down yet somehow I am missed

Left to cry in deepest shadow I contemplate my heart

But now I think back on it, it was broken from the start

Born into a life with all I could wish and more

The one I hold so close to me is the one I now deplore

She tore out my heart with my other three dear friends

And tore it into little bits that signified my end

And though they're not aware of how I cry at night

When I think no one can hear me and I lie in bed in fright

My pitiful existence consists of my pure soul

But black it has now turned with grief and inside it lies a hole

Pitch black it slowly consumes the tainted tears

And turns them into ice along with my many heartsick fears

The sorrow buries the happiness and trust

And as I cry I hope they can hear; they must

Yet no one knows of my hidden grief

Even though my smiles are fake and brief

They never notice, that as soon as I turn away

The smile disappears like the sun on a cloudy day

The pain so clear shines in my eyes which rage like a sea tossed storm

The hurt I feel is too pronounced and comes in every form

From the pain in my eyes to the weeping at night it weighs my pure heart down

I am no longer happy I am no longer bright, my heart so heavy I could drown

I could let myself go into the deep abysses of pain

Or I could let it wash away for a moment in the pouring rain

I could let it all out in a scream of pent up rage

Or I could just hold it in and turn the page

A dreary chapter of my grey formless life

Emotionless and unmoved yet so full of burning strife

No one will listen when I scream out for help

The ones who I care about the most are harming themselves

Yet they don't realise just how much it makes me cry

Yet I don't have the heart to talk to them, don't have the will to try

I am standing in a crowd yet I feel so alone

I cannot face my fears and yet I cannot yet go home

These four people who I love, and who I use those words so free

Have no idea of the scars they have inflicted upon me

My pleas for help and cries of mental pain are lost in the dark

As I silently sob in my bed at night and the scar on my heart leaves a mark

The wound that I cannot ever heal and the one who's pain I greet

The happiness which evades me so which I so desperately wish to meet.

A/N: The poems at the end of this chapter, "Rain", and the one below it, "The Loneliness Of A Broken Soul", are written by me, Azarni-Chan. So do not copy them or steal them. Ask me first; either in a review or mailing me on the email I provided in the Authors Notes in the start of this fic. They might not completely relate to the situation, because I did not write them for this fic. They are purely out of my emotion, and are about very real situations in my life. Thank you for respecting my wishes and I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of Still Water. I am currently working on the second chapter and hopefully it should be posted along with this one, but we'll see. And I know that this chapter is a frail 691 words, but I had to make it short. The next ones will be much larger, I promise. Please review to tell me what you think, or even better, e-mail me and we can become friends or whatever. Feel free to mail me, review me, or use constructive criticism (though I can't say I'll listen to it: I am a very stubborn person and I only like things my way when it comes to stories.)

Oh, by the way, I have an account on Fictionpress.net too. Fictionpress is a sister sight to fanfiction. It's for the authors original stories, though. No fanfic. If you want to check it out, my username is Azarni-Chan.

Until next time, Azarni.