On My Own

I look out the window over my bed, trying to figure out what time it was. It is late, that much is certain. The stars all look alike; I've never been able to tell them apart, but Mars, the blood-red planet that reminds me of myself, has moved about 30 degrees across the sky since when I last looked. It should be late enough. I lean back onto my bed, then flip over onto my stomach and silently drag my trunk out from under my bed.

As quietly as possible, I open the locks on either end, open the lid, and dig my hand all the way to the bottom. Finding what I'm looking for, I pull out my hand, in which is clenched the shimmering sheet of silvery-liquid fabric. My Invisibility Cloak. I get off my bed and throw it over me, checking in the full-length mirror that the entity of my body is hidden. Perfect.

I open the door to my dorm, and pause, my heart beating fast, as one of my room-mates rolls over in bed and starts snoring. I've done this so many times that I'm becoming careless, moving much to fast, not taking enough care to be silent. I exit the dorm and softly close the door behind me. I cast a Silencing Bubble Charm on the cloak, so that any sound made inside the cloak will not permeate out into the halls of Hogwarts.

Descending the staircase from the dorms to the commonroom, I catch a glimpse of the twenty-four-hour sundial, which tells me that it is, indeed, very late: close to three in the morning. I quickly depart the commonroom, not sure what evil minion of darkness (or just a stray toad) may be lurking in the shadows. I walk down to the entrance way, near the Great Hall, and begin my silent walk around the castle.

And now I'm all alone again/Nowhere to turn, no one to go to/Without a home without a friend/Without a face to say hello to.

In the corridor my late-night walks always begin in, there is a long row of ten-foot-tall windows. I pass by them slowly, taking in the view each one has to offer, each one a little different. But they all show the same basic thing: Hagrid's hut, all dark and gloomy, the lake, looking like a sparkling sheet of black glass, and the sky, as dark as a spilt bottle of ebony ink.

But now the night is near/And I can make believe he's here/Sometimes I walk alone at night/When everybody else is sleeping.

I continue along my way, not worrying about staying the shadows. I am, after all, invisible. No one can see me. Just like it's always been. No one's ever been able to see me...I've always been alone. Except, for a couple, sweet times.

I think of him and I'm happy/With the company I'm keeping./The city goes to bed/And I can live inside my head.

"Hey," I say, happy that no one else can hear me. "How are you? I haven't been able to talk to you in a while, sorry about that." The empty corridor makes no response.

On my own/Pretending he's beside me.

I smile. "Yeah, I missed you, too," I reply, enjoying my conversation. "I've got loads to tell you...

All alone/I walk with him till morning.

"School's been all right, I guess. The usual. Trelawney's a complete fraud, as should be expected. But I got a great grade on my Divulgence Potion, which completely surprised me. I thought Snape would have failed me, but..."

I shrug, and then pause.

"Hey, thanks," I reply sincerely. "That means a lot to me."

Without him/I feel his arms around me/And when I lose my way I close my eyes/And he has found me.

The conversation drifts off, and I glance back out one of the windows. Huge raindrops are falling like bullets, making the entire Hogwarts grounds look like a watercolor painting. I smile grimly, and backtrack towards the front doors. I cautiously push one open, hoping that it wouldn't trigger a silent alarm of sorts. When neither Filch nor cat comes streaking by, I figure that I'm safe. Stepping out onto the front steps, I ignore the pellet-like drops and gaze out over the lake.

Through the rain the pavement shines like silver/All the lights are misty in the river.

My stare drifts from the lake over to the Forbidden Forest. It's completely dark, not a single star can shine through the dense trees.

"Just like you..." I whisper absent-mindedly. "You're always so thick, so tough, that the real you can rarely shine through. But when it does..." I grin sheepishly, looking down at my rain-soaked feet.

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight/And all I see is him and me forever and forever.

How long I stand there, I have no clue. But eventually a loud bark coming from Hagrid's hut (no telling if it was Fang or Hagrid himself) jerked me from my pathetic reminiscing. "I need to get going," I say, almost apologetic. I turn around and go back inside the castle.

And I know it's only in my mind/That I'm talking to myself and not to him.

I'm so stupid, I think, There's no way he's going to change. It's always going to be this way. I'll always be here, waiting, and he'll always be... I scuff my foot on the flagstone floor. Well, I think ruefully, At least I have this.

And although I know that he is blind/Still I say, there's a way for us.

Peering out through one of the windows, I see a streak of pink coming up on the horizon over the Forbidden Forest. I must have spent more time out there then I had meant. I begin my march back to the commonroom, trying to get there before anyone else wakes up

I love him/But when the night is over/He is gone/The river's just a river.

I make it, thankfully. I climb in bed with the cloak still on and take it off under the covers, glad for the curtains surrounding my bed.

"Time to get up," one of my roommates mutters, and I fake a yawn and climb out of bed, groping for my clothes.

Once dressed, my two friends escort me to breakfast, oblivious as always of my red eyes and rumpled hair. Nobody cares enough about me to notice that for the past three days I've gotten around five hours of sleep, total. I don't know how I would make it if Hogwarts hadn't started serving coffee at breakfast.

My classes are...uneventful, to say the least. McGonagall commends my conch shell, transfigured from a pooka shell. Everyone else rolls their eyes, they've come to expect this from me. But I know one person who will be impressed. When I tell him tonight, he's going to give me a huge hug and say how proud of me he is...

Without him/The world around me changes/The trees are bare and everywhere/The streets are full of strangers.

I sit in the common room later that night, alone, unhappy. All my housemates are busy playing chess or Exploding Snap; they take no notice of me sitting in the corner. They don't ask me to play, even my two best friends know that if they try to engage me I'll just refuse. I always stay in my corner. Always. He's never taken notice of me. He never asks me to play wizard's chess with him. I'm always alone, no matter how hard I try not to be.

I love him/But every day I'm learning/All my life/I've only been pretending.

I look down at the parchment sitting on the table in front of me. A shaky 'Hey there,' had been scribbled there. I had written that during Defense Against the Dark Arts; it had taken me all class to think of a greeting that sounded off-hand enough. I certainly didn't want him to know that the fact he hadn't returned any of my owls was bothering me. Because it wasn't bothering me. No, it was eating me up, from the inside out. I knew he was receiving them, he just chose not to respond. It was practically killing me. Those nights I spend with him are all I have left. I crumple up the parchment, frustrated at the world.

Without me/His world would go on turning/A world that's full of happiness/That I have never known.

Back in the dorm, I sit up in bed again. It isn't very late, probably only one, but who else in their right mind would be awake at one in the morning? I retrieve my Invisibility Cloak, but decide to put it on down in the common room. I go down the steps, and freeze.

I love him.

There is a lamp on near a chair, and in that chair, reading a book, is my Head of House. Cold eyes flicker up and meet my own, and my insides turn to ice.

"What are you doing up this late?" they demand, standing up and striding over to me. "And do not lie, Mr. Malfoy," Snape adds in a dangerous voice.

My mind reels, trying to think of something, anything that would be a plausible excuse. I have to find a reason...

I love him.

"Well, Mr. Malfoy?" Snape demands again, crossing his arms impatiently.

My mouth gapes open. "I...I was...looking of my book," I say lamely, hanging my head.

"Well I'm sure that the book will wait until morning," Snape says stiffly. "Now off to bed with you."

I nod, and return to my dorm, mentally kicking myself for losing a precious night with him

I love him.

I pull my trunk out from under my bed, unlock it, and pull out a clipping from the Daily Prophet. Smoothing it out, I smile down at his face, which was scowling, as usual. I try to ignore the headline, The Boy-Who-Lived Helps Throw Death Eaters into Azkaban, and the other dozen pictures of grim faces. I instead focus only on the picture of Lucius Malfoy.

"I miss you, Dad," I whisper softly, a tear rolling down my cheek.

But only on my own.