Torn

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To regret one’s experiences is to arrest one’s own development. To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie on the lips of one’s life. It is no less than a denial of the soul. – Oscar Wilde

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Torn

Of all the Marauders I think I’ve always hated Snape the least. Sure he’s slimy, greasy, Slytherin and a right git, but I tend not to go out of my way to bother him. Lily’s got the right of it all. I used to think that James hated Snape more than any of us, but now I know that Sirius does.

For longer than any of us care to think about, James has fancied Lily. Well, after her outburst at the end of last year, James took to remodelling himself. That is to say, he went easier on the whole ‘operation humiliate Snivellus’ and stopped trying to, well, make himself seem better than he was. Since he did it for Lily’s attention anyway it wasn’t hard for him to revert. Snape’s been grateful. The others have always thought that Snape was just overly jealous of James’ talents. I beg to disagree. I know the way he sneaks glances at James only too well – having done the same to Sirius for about four years. Snape likes James, there’s no doubt in my mind – as disgusting as that might be. Of course he’ll never come out and say ‘Potter, I fancy you’ but he does all the same.

His little crush is probably the only reason that James was able to get him out of the tunnel before I did something horrid. James could have lured me away as Prongs, but why give all our secrets away? Of course, James didn’t give anything away. No, it was Sirius that gave away my most hurtful secret.

Back in second year James, Peter and Sirius promised me that they’d treat me as they had and that they’d keep my secret from anyone. Well, they promised Dumbledore first… apparently James and Peter were somewhat reluctant in the beginning. We became closer friends. I thought everything would remain strong, too, especially when they introduced me to Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail.

Earlier this year Sirius and I came out to each other, finally giving in to our emotions. I have been dreaming about him since before I knew what love is. He’s always been everything to me. I gave him everything… and I thought that he truly did love me… I gave him everything only for him to betray me.

Okay, so I had been spending some time with him, but that wasn’t exactly my choice! This term we didn’t get to chose our Potions partners and he and I were partnered. We had a paper to write up on the latest assignment. It’s not like he came up and asked me if he wanted to spend some quality time with him. Yes, I know he’s been lurking about, too. He asked me what our plans were, I didn’t tell him. Sirius doesn’t seem to understand that Snape was hunting for a way to get back at us for dying his hair pink (quite amusing, actually. The spell reversed after he washed his hair five times. We were only trying to enforce some hygiene on him. I won the bet, too, I said he washed his hair every week and the dye came out after five weeks).

Damn Sirius and his damn jealousy.

I wasn’t going to go anywhere. I don’t fancy Snape, I never have and I never will. Sirius is the only one I’ve ever been with. Only Sirius. It will always been only him. Merlin, I can't do anything but hope for him…want him.

I want to hate him, though. I want to shut him out of my life and never let him back in. Yeah, he was, in his eyes, protecting me from the evil Slytherin, but that doesn’t change a thing. He betrayed my darkest, deepest secret. There are reasons I don’t want people to know about the wolf, I didn’t just wake up one day and say ‘I’ve decided not to tell anyone that I’m a vicious killer and a dark creature’. I could have killed Snape! Merlin! I could have turned him!! I wouldn’t wish this bloody curse on anyone.

And he knew that, too. He knows that I hate what I am. Yet, I trusted him. In second year all I had to do was ask Dumbledore to put a memory charm on them and he would have. I didn’t, though. It was the first time I’d ever had friends, and I wanted to keep them, especially if they were willing to accept me for me. I was foolish, I was practically asking to be betrayed.

Only… I never thought that Sirius would do the betraying!

I curled up for hours, under James’ Cloak with the Map. I really didn’t want Sirius find me. James and Peter brought me the Cloak, draped it around me and told me that I had every right to hate Sirius, that they hated Sirius. Neither of them could believe he would do such a thing. They kept telling me how sorry they were and all that, I hate pity. I told them to bugger off. I wanted to be alone. Submissively they left me.

That was days ago, though. Unfortunately I can't avoid him completely, we do share a dorm, but he’s been distancing himself anyway. I think James told him off. During meals he’s been sitting at the end of the table and I’ve been sitting with the girls. James and Pete got on my nerves after a bit. They know more about why I’m pissed than the girls do, they only think I’m having a row with Sirius, I think Lily is scheming on how to get us back together. I figure, let her scheme, it gives her something to do. Most of the time she’s mooning over James.

In all honesty, I want to shut him from my life. There’s been so much hurt in it already… if Sirius can’t ease the pain then I can't bear to be around him. Loving him has always hurt, but being loved by him hurts more. Apparently he’ll go to any lengths to prove his love, too bad he doesn’t think before he acts. I was full willing to live my life watching him. I wouldn’t have liked it, but at least he couldn’t have betrayed me like this.

I want to forget everything about him, erase him from my life. Or, I tell myself that I do. Somehow, as I gaze at him sitting on the other side of the room, I realize that I still love him, that I’ll always love him. Wanting Sirius is the only thing that the wolf and I have ever agreed on.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m mad at him. I’m mad at him, but I don’t hate him. I don’t hate him, but I won't forgive him. Forgive and forget, live and let live. Whatever. It won't be nearly as easy as that… but accepting his apology and going back to him works so much easier than walking away. He’s hurting, too. He hates himself, I can tell by the look on his face as he steals yet another look at me.

Bloody hells, what do I do? My mind tells me ‘never again’, of course the wolf wants to go and reclaim him – but then, I rarely do as he asks. I don’t think I can go on ignoring him, pretending he doesn’t exist. Damnit, Sirius, the things you do to me!

I guess I go back to him, then. Not now, but eventually. He needs to prove to me that he won't pull anything like that again. He needs to become worthy of my trust again, and that might take some time.

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