Saying Goodbye

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There is luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel no one else has a right to blame us. – Oscar Wilde

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Saying Goodbye

Things weren’t easy for us, they never were, not really, but we never imagined that they could have been worse. Both of us were at the top of our class, for all his goofing off, he really is rather intelligent. I never expected him to love me, too. I was ready to be in a one-sided relationship until we both should die. I only wanted him to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, it seems. He was the first one to make me truly happy, and I’ve always longed to make him happy in return.

We were foolish, I know that now. So foolish. Nobody gets their happily ever afters in modern days. Still, we planned for a future that seemed so real to us. Everything was working out for our friends, and we wanted our partial happiness, too. James married Lily, but we all knew that was going to happen, and Peter entered Cambridge to pursue his Muggle career. Being a werewolf, I have to do periodic check-ins at various places, so Sirius and I got a flat in London. He was happily following the life of an Auror. Merlin! Everything was going so perfectly, I should have known something was going to happen!

I was questioned, after it happened, by some Minister who thought all the world about himself. “Mister Lupin,” he said, “my papers say that you’re a werewolf, is that correct?” I couldn’t have lied even if I wanted to, I was under Veritaserum. Besides, I was in shock anyway. “Were you aware of Black’s use of the Dark Arts?” I shook my head, “But it is true that he was the Potters’ Secret Keeper,” I told him that it was true insofar as I knew. “Finally, what were your relations with Black?”

I couldn’t answer him. Just what were—are?—my relations to him? I thought that he was my best friend, someone that I could always rely on. He is my mate, though. That much I can't deny. He’s bonded to me and to the wolf. He’s part of us, even as he sits in Azkaban. I guess, in the end, that I’m no more than another boy to him, just one lover among many. maybe he thought he could treat me differently because he knew that I didn’t have a choice anymore. I loved him, and I still do. Apparently that love wasn’t enough. He bloody gave in his best mate! The two of them have been together since the dawn of time and he was his son’s bloody godfather!! Does that mean nothing to him! Merlin! If the bond between the two of us means nothing than his friendship with James should.

Five nights before James and Lily were killed he stopped sleeping with me. He said that he had a lot of work to take care of and he didn’t want to keep me up. He’d been growing more distant. He was hiding something. I knew it. Padfoot was the same as he always was during the moon, but Sirius was hiding something from me. I had to pack everything of his and move, and in doing so I found his paper clippings.

Dark Creatures Unite in Dark Times

Theories have arisen during this time as to the allies of You Know Who. In an attempt to calm everyone, these potential allies have been looked into, and results have been shown. You Know Who has taken it upon himself to gather the absolute worst creatures. While it is not always easy to tell a Death Eater on sight, most of said creatures are much easier to identify.
You Know Who has allied himself with those such as giants and ogres, and they have left what housing they had to pursue the alliance. If you should come upon one such creature and are not familiar with them, it is advised to proceed carefully and advise the Ministry. Likewise, he has recruited vampires and werewolves, although it was probably only a matter of time until he did so, as many comment. Both vampires and werewolves are being identified by the Registry and taken into containment facilities…

What was I supposed to feel after reading that? He was either ashamed of me or he wanted to protect me. Did it matter? To think that a bloody clipping could make him act differently. It was the only hint I have to any behaviour difference. At least he didn’t send me to a bloody containment centre.

If he is a Death Eater, though, and he did believe the clipping, why did he let me live? Voldemort killed so many that refused him and his dynasty.

He can't have done it! He’s, well, he’s Sirius Black. There would be no reason for him to become a Death Eater, right? He was, well… there… Sirius is Sirius. He’s always been happy with the life he’d been given, told me tonnes of times that he wouldn’t change it for the world. The war was going on ‘outside’, he said. Outside was anything that went on that wasn’t a part of his life. He had is Auroring and I had my bookkeeping and my writing, and that was it. Aside those jobs, it was him and me and, well, no one else. Before James, Lily and Harry went into hiding they were part of our lives and we thought of them daily… But we couldn’t do anything for them. They were hiding from Voldemort.

Everyone tells me that he did it. He was found at the scene, they say. He was found at the Potters’ house and it was known that he was their Secret Keeper, therefore he must have done it. Sirius Black was therefore a Death Eater and needed to be sent to Azkaban, without trial. With out the trial and Veritaserum that every other Death Eater had been offered.

Oh, but it gets better.

He gave the Potters’ in and killed Peter and then was taken away to Azkaban. My best friends, anyone that I cared about, were taken away from me in a matter of days. It had taken me years to build up the friendships, to crawl out of my hole, and they were gone. I was alone again. They promised me that I’d never be alone again. I don’t want to be alone. I tried to gain custody of Harry. The way I saw it, was that his godfather was in prison and his Muggle relations were less than desirable for anyone.

I lost.

I sold the flat, taking a few boxes with me I left London. My life of the last nine years is stored in those boxes. My guardian’s things, James and Lily’s things, or what I could savage anyway, Sirius’ things… Those were the worst to pack. It was like shoving my life into half a dozen boxes because Sirius is my life. People don’t understand that.

I never got to say goodbye to him, I never got that ‘one last kiss’. I didn’t attend his sentencing and I didn’t go to see him carried off. I didn’t want him to see me as I was. The world was telling me that he was a Death Eater, a follower of Voldemort, and I was shaken. I was crying, non-stop. I just couldn’t stop. I gave everything to him and expected nothing… and there he was, being carried off to Azkaban… and there I was loving him truly and completely. The world was saying ‘stop! You can't love him!’ just as they’d been telling me ‘die! We don’t want you here, fiend!’. They’d been saying that for years, only I hadn’t listened. They’d never wanted me, all the people that made me feel loved were gone, taken away from me. I just want to crawl into a dark corner somewhere and die. Nobody will miss me.

But if I do so, I can't be around to hope for him to come back to me and give me that kiss he left without. Honestly I don’t care if he’s a murderer, I should but I don’t, I can't. I can't stop wanting him, needing him, loving him. maybe I’m living in a dream, hoping that he’ll come back to me someday, with a foolish smile, and tell me he’s sorry. But I’ll never know if I die now, will I?