Alone.

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No man is rich enough to buy back his past. – Oscar Wilde

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Alone

Why must I always have to be the cool composed Remus Lupin; Professor Lupin; Prefect Lupin? Why must everyone always look to me for advice and guidance? What if I don’t want to be looked to? What if I want to break down and cry? What’s wrong with full-grown men crying until they’re all dried up? Honestly, I can't do anything else.

So I find myself hiding, cowardly, from the rest of the Order, in a small hotel room – a Muggle hotel room. There’s nothing that I can break here, nothing that I can smash or incinerate. I can't burn a hole through anything… All I can do is sit and cry; alone.

Alone, the word I’ve always dreaded. I was left alone fifteen years ago, and I’m alone again now. Sure I have the bloody Order with my bloody paperwork and my bloody excursions. I also have a bloody war that I’ve managed to find myself in again. Curse it all!

Was the first time not good enough for you, Sirius?! You promised me we’d be together for keeps this time! You promised me that you wouldn’t leave me alone any longer! You said we could get a cottage somewhere… Sirius! How could you break all those promises? You knew that it’s you that I lived for – it’s always been you! And know what have I got left? Books? You know I’ve always cared more about you than any bloody book.

Why can't this all be a joke, like back in the days… why can't you and James just leap out from behind the curtains and shout ‘got cha, Moony!’. I won't get angry if you do. No, I’ll jump for joy. Please, Sirius!

We were so young, so naïve. I told you about the bonding, what it entailed for the both of us. Of course you accepted. But yet… we were pulled apart too early. I have Peter to blame for that, don’t I? Well who do I have to blame now? I can't blame Harry, he loved you too much to not fall for the bait and I can’t blame Dumbledore… I wanted him to keep you locked away as much as he did. Locked away, Sirius, you couldn’t do anything outrageously foolish. Nothing could be as bad as…

You didn’t give me a goodbye kiss this time either. This time, though, it’s partly my fault. Maybe I should have paid more attention to you and not to the Order. Maybe I should have, I don’t know… What would have changed it? You always have done things for the ‘thrill of it’ anyway. That’s probably the single trait that Harry’s better off without. You were going to save Harry because you love him… but you went alone because you could.

You didn’t even bother to tell me you were heading over there. You just… disappeared. I came back early, too. I wanted to spend the afternoon with you, just you and me. It was like last time. Last time I came home early, I wanted to make amends with you. This time, though, there wasn’t a letter telling me you’d been taken by the Ministry because you killed a handful of Muggles and Peter Pettigrew or that you were a Death Eater that handed in the Potters. This time there was nothing by a mental house elf. I actually would have preferred the letter.

It hit me soon after I found the absence of a letter. I was downstairs and had contacted some of the Order to see if they knew were you were located. And then I knew. Harry’d been having his dreams the whole year, and I can imagine those would be pretty bad.

This, Paddy, was worse, so much worse.

You are my other half, Siri! I really don’t think you understand what it means to be mated to a werewolf. ‘Werewolves mate for life’, you know that. Bet you think I can just choose some one else now, is that it? I don’t want anyone else! Even if I did… You, my mate, died and left me alone. It’s like a blackness covering my being, my existence. It’s worse than a bloody dementor! At least with the dementors I know that I have a Charm to help me, and that it’ll be over soon. This won't be over soon, though, will it?

Dumbledore talked to me, I think he gave me a similar talk to the one he gave Harry. He went on blaming himself and then told me that he was sorry. Sorry isn’t going to make you come back to me! I want you to leap out from behind the bloody curtain, damnit! He apologized for taking us away from my old place so soon after we were reunited. We could have had two years instead of one if we hadn’t separated back in the Shack… We could have had three years if you came straight to me from Azkaban, you know I would have taken you in, too… Merlin! We could have had fifteen years if things went differently, if we trusted each other that much more… if…

Damned ‘if’s. They aren’t going to change anything, are they? However, I just can't help but wonder what would have happened had I bothered to wake you before I left that morning. I watched you sleep, you look so cute when you’re sleeping, and I kissed you gently, just to say that I had, but I didn’t want to wake you. What kind of mate am I anyway? What kind of lover; what kind of friend?

Don’t worry, though, it won't be too much longer before I’m with you again. I can't imagine what Harry’ll feel, but he’ll have the Weasleys, and one day he and Ron will realize that they love each other as we do. I’ll set it right before I go… I promise. You and James and Lily would have wanted me to. I’ll make sure that Harry’s okay and that Voldemort’s gone… Only, know that I’ll be hurting throughout the whole thing. Know that I’ll be longing to join you. My heart is yours and took it away again. The place that you took it to is so much further than Azkaban, and this time I know that it will be me that has to come to you – and don’t you doubt that I will either, Siri.

Part two, Sirius' pov, was written by Indira and will not be posted without her consent. It can be found at http://xeen.kbx81.net/fic/fanfiction/together.html