True Grey

Sirius sat alone in his bedroom at Dearborn's house, enjoying one last glass of rum. On his bed he had laid out a collection of knives and guns, his wand, and his favourite sword. He gazed at them fondly; they were going to help him get back through the veil.

Tick, tock. Soon it would be time to go.

A knock on the door, and then Lily's voice. "Sirius? Are you in there?"

"Come in."

Lily and James entered, closing the door quietly behind them.

"How are you feeling?" asked Lily.

"I don't know," he responded truthfully. "Excited, I suppose, and a bit nervous. Confused--I mean, I don't even know where I am right now. Eager. Relieved, since I've been waiting for this for more than a year. I feel ready, too; well prepared, I mean. Sad, because I have to leave you two again."

He looked down at the floor before mumbling, "Scared, mostly."

"Can't blame you for being a bit frightened," James said.

Sirius fiddled with one of his handguns for a while, lost in disturbing thoughts. At last he voiced the one that had been troubling him the most. "Do--do you think this is going to work?"

At once James replied, "If anyone can do it, it's you."

"You're a great wizard, Sirius," Lily said reassuringly.

"I know, but there's a lot on the line here. A lot of unknown."

"Well, of course there is. But that's when you're at your best!" James told him.

Sirius smiled weakly. "I can't thank you guys enough. And I can't even explain how much I'm going to miss you. It's been... just amazing, to have you around again."

"We'll miss you too, mate," said James. "But don't worry about us. We'll see you again, I'm sure of it."

Sirius nodded, afraid that tears would come if he spoke. Lily stepped forward and gave him a great hug.

"Good luck, Sirius," she whispered. "You'll do fine, I know you will. Tell Harry I love him very much..."

They broke apart and she exited into the hall, leaving the two men alone.

"I'm really proud to have you as my best friend," James said quietly. "You've been through hell--literally and figuratively--and you're still fighting."

"Can't hold a candle to you and Lily," Sirius said. "And Harry, of course."

"Will you make sure Harry knows how proud I am of him?"

"Of course. That'll mean a lot to him."

A minute of silence confirmed that there was nothing left to say. Sirius held out his hand to James, who ignored it and reached out to embrace him.

"Good luck, Padfoot," James said. He clapped Sirius on his back. "And give old Snivelly hell from me."

They grinned at each other one last time before James turned and left the room.

Alone once again, Sirius picked up a revolver, looked at it appraisingly, and slipped it into its holster.

Tick, tock.

"The Anaconda is a good choice, but you ought to take a semi-automatic as well," said a voice behind him.

Sirius turned; Dearborn was leaning against the doorframe. "Hey."

"Want to borrow my Glock?"

"Sure, if you don't mind."

"I expect you'll need it more than I will," said Dearborn, handing over the gun. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, thanks."

"You don't look fine."

Sirius looked away and said gruffly, "I guess I don't want to leave as much as I thought I did."

"Then we're not so different, after all."

Sirius grinned in spite of himself. "Don't ever say that again."

Dearborn laughed. "I know, that was a horrible thing to say. My apologies." His expression turned grim. "There's something I've been meaning to tell you, and I guess this is my last opportunity."

Sirius gave him a sharp look, but before he could ask any questions Dearborn continued, "It's nothing to do with you, it's not even important. I just felt I should tell you that I--" he hesitated. "I wasn't thrown through the veil by Death Eaters."

"What?" shouted Sirius. "You mean you're actually dead?"

"No, I'm alive, I did go through the veil... but I wasn't forced through, like I've been telling everyone." He swallowed. "I walked through it intentionally."

"Are you mad?" gasped Sirius.

"Well, yes, I was at the time," Dearborn said. He looked very uncomfortable. "My life consisted of fighting He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and his Death Eaters. It was my job as an Auror, and I did it in my free time too, with the Order... and yet I never felt that I had anything to fight for."

"Nothing to fight for?" repeated Sirius incredulously. "Fighting Voldemort is fighting for everything that's good in the world!"

"I knew it, but I couldn't share that feeling. Everyone else had their spouses and friends and children... I missed out on that, so I just... gave up."

"I'm really sorry to hear that," Sirius told him. "You may not believe me, but I'm glad you chose to use the veil and not something more... reliable. And I'm glad you didn't try again."

"I believe you," Dearborn said quickly. "I thought the veil would kill me. I was furious when I realised I was still alive. To be honest, I might have tried again if I hadn't been so terrified--I mean, who knows where I would have gone from here?" He laughed nervously. "In any case, I've learned to appreciate a quiet life here. Lily and James have been a big help, of course."

"Yes, I'm sure--"

"You might wonder why I'm telling you all this," Dearborn said broodingly. "Well, the thing about having someone to fight for, is that it means you have someone to live for. And having someone to live for is the same as having someone to die for.

"It's interesting, isn't it? It may or may not help you... it's something to think about, anyway." He clapped Sirius on the shoulder. "So, go on then. Tell Rosier I'll be waiting for him, should he want any trouble."

He was halfway out the door before Sirius called, "Wait."

Dearborn turned. "Yeah?"

"Thanks. For everything."

"No problem," he replied, nodding. He looked at Sirius shrewdly. "You're going to do fine. Good luck, Black."

Then he was gone.

Tick, tock... the time had come.

Sirius strode off once again in the direction of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. He was heavily armed, not only with knives, guns, and sword, but also with thoughts of Remus and Harry, of Lily and James and Dearborn. He felt as ready as ever he could be as he crept through the park towards his childhood home.

He was relieved to see that the front door had reappeared. He tapped it with his wand, whispered the incantation and stepped inside. Without hesitation he tiptoed up the stairs and down the hall, to where he knew his brother was fast asleep.

More quietly this time, he eased the door open. He moved so slowly that he had difficulty keeping his balance.

Tick, tock.

Without a word he lit his wand. He directed its narrow beam onto shelves and into open trunks, onto the ornate wooden desk and under the occupied bed; but he could see nothing at all that looked like a key.

A large chest of drawers was standing near a corner, blocking an open wardrobe from view. Cautiously, Sirius edged around it, squeezing between the pieces of furniture to get a better look.

"I don't know why you're bothering to skulk around like this. Even if you find it, you can't turn it."

Sirius whipped around to find his brother sitting up in bed. "How long have you been awake?" he asked.

"Since you came in here," said Regulus. "I suppose you forgot that I'm a light sleeper?"

"No, but I had to try," Sirius said, edging back out from behind the chest. "You've made it clear that you don't want to help me."

"Too right. You might as well clear out now."

"No. I can't leave here without it."

"Since when did you become Rosier's best mate?" asked Regulus angrily. "I can't believe you're so keen to help him, have you any idea what he's like?"

"You should know I don't give a damn about Rosier," Sirius shot back. "You're the one who worked with him!"

Regulus laughed softly and said, "Exactly."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

When Regulus didn't respond, Sirius continued, "Look. Rosier is just a pawn. We think he might know--" He stopped himself mid-sentence, been struck by an idea--an idea so obvious that he was ashamed not to have thought of it before. "Did Voldemort ever tell you anything about the afterlife? Specifically, how to leave it?"

Regulus laughed again, louder this time. "He never told me anything important. Not intentionally, anyway."

Sirius stared. "How do you mean, not intentionally?"

"Never wondered why I died?"

"Of course I've wondered!" Sirius lied.

"Well, you never bothered to find out. Kreacher could have told you everything. But no matter--" Regulus yawned and stretched-- "nobody who would help Evan Rosier deserves to know."

"You know something, don't you, you little bastard?" demanded Sirius. "You know something that would help me!"

"I have nothing to say to a friend of Rosier's."

"You idiot!" shouted Sirius, finally losing his temper. "Haven't I told you, I don't give a flying fuck about Rosier! He told me he knows how I can get back through the veil, is all. And it's not even for my sake, Harry needs me--my godson, that is, Harry Potter, have you heard of him?"

"He is after my time," Regulus said quietly. "I have done everything I can to fight the Dark Lord."

"No, no you haven't! Not if you can just help me... please." Sirius dropped to his knees by the side of the bed so that his face was level with his brother's. "Please... I know we didn't get along, but you've got to understand what's at stake, what Harry is facing. Voldemort wants to kill him, and he will unless Harry can kill him first... but Regulus, he's got Horcruxes! Several of them! I've got to get back to help Harry. It's too dangerous, too difficult--"

"Horcruxes?" repeated Regulus. For the first time, he seemed to have lost his composure; he was staring at Sirius with an unnerving intensity.

"Pieces of soul that were separated off by murder--"

"I know what a bloody Horcrux is!" Regulus snapped.

"Helped him make them, did you?"

"Don't be absurd. The Dark Lord would never tell a Death Eater about his Horcruxes."

"Why not? I'd think he'd like them guarded."

"Because a Death Eater might steal the Horcrux, destroy it, and put a false one in its place--theoretically, I mean." He paused for a moment, during which he fidgeted with his quilt. "The Dark Lord doesn't trust anyone--not even Bellatrix, who would never dream of betraying him in such a way. And so, nobody knows about them."

Sirius frowned. "Except you, apparently."

"Never wondered why I died?" Regulus repeated.

Sirius's jaw dropped. "No. No--I don't believe you."

Regulus ignored him and continued, "I found out about them quite by accident. But that's not what's important."

"It is important," said Sirius at once. He got off his knees to sit on the end of the bed. "Tell me everything you know."

"Fine," said Regulus, annoyed. "And when I'm done, you'll understand why I can't give you Rosier's Key.

"It all happened very quickly. Within one week I went from loyal Death Eater to dead traitor. It started with Rosier. I was to assist him with a routine Muggle killing. Rosier told me to torture them first, probably because he knew I didn't want to, and he wanted to see me struggle. I told him to go fuck himself, because he was only a few years older than I was anyway. Needless to say, he wasn't pleased. But technically he had no authority over me, so he went to the one who did."

"Voldemort?"

"Yes. The bastard told the Dark Lord that I had been uncooperative and acting suspiciously. Keep in mind that the Dark Lord absorbs suspicions like a sponge. He distrusts everyone to begin with, but the slightest hint of disobedience sends him into a fit of raging paranoia.

"He summoned me into his chamber. He kept me there for hours, alternating bouts of the Cruciatus Curse and ruthless Legilimency. He even had Snape give me Veritaserum--a bloody big waste of potion, seeing as I had nothing whatsoever to hide. And yet he searched and searched for proof of my treachery, where there was only the innocent nervousness typical of young Death Eaters.

"By the time the Dark Lord released me, I was weak beyond words. Physically and mentally. I collapsed onto my bed and didn't move for nearly a day. During this time--I don't know how it happened, really--my thoughts weren't entirely my own. Perhaps he overdid the Legilimency a bit. He went about his business as usual, and meanwhile, I saw most everything he thought about."

"Which was?"

"Well, besides a fair bit more of Bellatrix than I cared to see, mostly objects and places I'd never seen before, and a hell of a lot of magic. I only had to put the pieces together to figure out that the Dark Lord was dwelling on a number of Horcruxes."

Sirius couldn't help comparing his brother's story to Harry's, in which he had witnessed Voldemort's obsession with the Prophecy. Clearly, Voldemort's thoughts were a mine of dangerous information.

"But you weren't particularly special--plenty of Death Eaters must have been questioned the way you were," Sirius pointed out. "How do you know none of the others found out about the Horcruxes in the same way?"

"I'll tell you why," Regulus said. "Because the Dark Lord would silence anyone who knows about them. He'd do anything to keep his Horcruxes secret and safe. Those visions were my death sentence because it is not possible to contain that knowledge and survive in the Dark Lord's presence.

"It was immediately clear that my death was a cert, and it would come soon. It's funny--I can't have been frightened for more than a few minutes. Since there was simply nothing I could do about it, I decided to get my revenge in advance. I set out to find those Horcruxes and dispose of them."

"That was ambitious of you," said Sirius, in all earnestness.

Regulus shrugged and said, "Better to burn out than to fade away."

"So, did you find any?"

"I did. Well, first I ran home and got Kreacher to come along with me. It's lucky I did; I couldn't have done it myself. But with his help I found the locket--Slytherin's locket, you know--and swapped it for a cheap fake one I'd bought beforehand."

"And did you destroy it?"

Regulus's face darkened. "Kreacher was very ill, so I brought him--and the locket-- home at once. Rosier was waiting for me there. I hadn't told Mum and Dad that anything was amiss between me and the Death Eaters, so they let him in like they'd always done. I knew the moment I saw him that I was a goner--he was just sitting in the drawing room, feet up on the table, with the sort of mad grin that can make you sick.

"I didn't come quietly, though, that's for damn sure. At first I tried talking to him, asked him to just let me be. Well, he didn't much like that idea. Hexed me before I'd finished talking. While we were duelling I managed to drop the locket and kick it under the cabinet so he wouldn't notice--and that's the last I saw of it."

"Fine, but you--what happened to you?" asked Sirius.

"I lost the duel. Rosier cornered me without a wand, said he was going to bring me back to the Dark Lord. I asked him to do me a favour and just kill me himself, but he refused. And so, I was forced to turn to my last resort. Anticipating precisely this scenario, I'd bought a vial of fast poison in Knockturn Alley. While I argued with Rosier I found it in my pocket, uncorked it and drank it as fast as I could."

"Well, it could have been worse, right? Better than getting thrown back to Voldemort."

Regulus shook his head. "Not so fast--Rosier's no fool. He hit me straight away with a nasty Vomiting Hex. By the time I was done, I felt lucky to have any bones left, much less enough potion even to put me to sleep."

Sirius grimaced. "So, a mercy killing was out of the cards?"

"I met Bellatrix in the hallway just before I went in to the Dark Lord. For a few seconds, I think, I entertained the thought that maybe she would do it for me."

Sirius and Regulus both roared with laughter at this.

"Out of the cards, then," said Sirius.

"What can I say? Strange ideas come to desperate minds," Regulus said.

Sirius sobered. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be laughing, it's really not funny at all."

Regulus shrugged again. "No need to apologise." He was quiet for a few moments, and when he resumed his story, it was in a very subdued voice, indeed. "After ten minutes I was praying for that flash of green light to bring the end, but it never came. At some point I must have been in the state the Longbottoms are in now--I watched it happen to them, it really was horrible--but the Dark Lord didn't stop there. The curse never lifted, until finally I just died."

"Why, though?" said Sirius, horrified. "Why so brutal? I thought he normally just uses the killing curse."

"He does. But I think he must have sensed what I was feeling--genuine animosity towards him, not just the fear that other deserters had. He must have seen me as a threat, somehow."

"As he should have!" exclaimed Sirius. He was struggling with some foreign emotion as he listened to Regulus's story; it was several minutes before he realised that, for the first time in his life, he was feeling proud of a family member. "What became of the other Horcruxes?"

"Nothing, I'm sure. They're probably still out there. I stopped paying attention to the whole situation shortly after the Dark Lord fell. Like I said, I did my part, and I'm content with it."

Regulus looked so peaceful that Sirius was reluctant to say anything at all, much less make such an unsettling request; but the ghostly ticking of the clock in the back of his mind finally drove him to say, "Listen, Regulus... What you did with your last days was really extraordinary. And you're absolutely right--you did your part, and you deserve to rest.

"But I've got to ask you, because you've got to understand... Harry is searching for the Horcruxes for the same reason you did--because Voldemort ruins lives. He's in a terrible amount of danger and he's facing it willingly, just like you did. But if he dies in the attempt, it's all over. He needs me--"

"I can't," Regulus cut across him, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. But you're right--the Dark Lord ruins lives. He ruined mine; I'm not going to let him ruin my death, too."

"But--wait!" Suddenly Sirius remembered the research Dumbledore had done; now he saw that the secret of the Sisyphean Keys was a key in itself.

He explained to Regulus how Rosier wouldn't really get into heaven; how it was only temporary, in any case; and how Rosier was probably doomed to return to hell after a short while. He was heartened to see that Regulus was listening intently, apparently giving the idea his consideration...

"I don't know, Sirius," he said at last. "It sounds too uncertain..."

"Dearborn," Sirius replied quickly. "Do you know him? He's a friend of mine, used to be in the Order of the Phoenix, you know. He's sworn to not to let Rosier rest, and believe me, he's not someone you'd want to cross. He won't let Rosier give you any trouble."

Regulus looked up. "Really?" he asked. "You really think he can make Rosier miserable?"

"I know he can. I've seen him do it," Sirius said. "Come on, Regulus, please... if I can get out of here, I can help Harry finish what you started."

He and his brother looked at each other; Sirius injected all the sincerity he had into his gaze...

At last, Regulus nodded. "All right. I'll do it."

Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw something appear on the desk. It was a small, metallic-looking cube, on which were etched more runes like the ones Dumbledore had been reading earlier that night. A keyhole gaped in one of its sides; inches from it lay a matching silver key.

Sirius reached for it, but Regulus called out, "No. Don't touch it. I'll do it in a moment."

Sirius looked back and saw that his brother was scribbling on a piece of parchment on his bedside table. "What are you writing?"

"Everything I can remember about the visions I had of the other Horcruxes." He finished writing, straightened up and handed the folded paper to Sirius. "Take this with you; I hope it helps. And if you see the Dark Lord, give him my regards."

"I will," said Sirius, pocketing it. He hesitated for a moment before saying, "Look, Reg... I'm really proud of you. I'm sorry I was such a prick sometimes--"

"Most of the time, you mean," said Regulus, but he was smiling. "And I'm sorry I was an obnoxious little brat most of the time--"

"All the time, you mean," Sirius said, and they both laughed.

"I guess we have more in common than we thought," Regulus said. "We both took our shots at the world, and the world hit back a lot harder, didn't it?"

"That's putting it lightly."

"But you're lucky enough to get another shot..."

"And I'm going to take it," Sirius said fervently. "I'll take another one for you, as well." He could sense that the time for action would soon be upon him; the pounding of his heart had replaced the anxious sound of the clock.

Regulus's face was set as he picked up the metal box. Without hesitation he fit the key in the lock and turned it. When nothing happened, he set it down and said, "Well, I guess that's that."

"Regulus--thanks." Sirius held out his hand and Regulus shook it.

"No problem," said Regulus, as Sirius turned to go. "Good luck... and give them hell."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wrote this chapter before the release of Deathly Hallows, and I elected not to re-write it later to be canon compliant (re: the details of Regulus and Kreacher's adventure getting the Horcrux). So please, no flames for this canon "mistake." From this point on, this fic can be thought of as AU.