The Secret Nightlife of Ron Weasley

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Secret Nightlife of Ron Weasley

The crickets chirped loudly outside the window. Ron Weasley wished they would shut up; he was trying to figure out if Harry was asleep yet. A cloud passed over the moon and the chirping stopped momentarily; Ron distinctly heard four different snores and assumed that it was safe to rise.

He did so slowly, checking left and right, slightly paranoid that someone would catch him up at that hour. Silently, he opened Harry's trunk and pulled out the Invisibility Cloak. It was just the right size for him- after fifth year, there had been no collective sneaking-out under it for the Dream Team, which was really a shame, because Ron was just getting comfortable with being under there with Hermione...

Ron shook himself out of his trance and glanced at his watch, eyebrows raising. If he didn't hurry, he was going to be late...

If Invisibility Cloaks hadn't existed, one would have seen a decidedly messy head of red hair peeking around corridors on the third floor. Ron tiptoed past the Charms classroom (in which Draco and another Slytherin with very blue hair were quite involved, Ron was amused to notice), down the hallway and past the tapestry of the founders, looking in both directions before doubling back, pulling one corner aside and slipping under it.

The chute that he slid down deposited him near the front doors of the school, just a hop, skip and a jump away from the broomshed. Ron grabbed his broom and took off into the night, headed for Hogsmeade.

Ron quickly jogged down the dark streets of Hogsmeade, eager to get were he was going. He passed Honeydukes, Zonko's, The Three Broomsticks and didn't stop until he'd reached the owl post office. With a quick look around, he removed Harry's cloak and hid it inside the ear of the large owl statue above the door. Then (after smoothing down his hair and straightening his pajamas) he knocked on the door once, then twice, once more and stamped his left foot on the ground.

An eye appeared at the key hole. "What's the password?"

Ron rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "Boxers and briefs."

The door swung opened to reveal a young girl, no older than thirteen, wearing a nightgown covered in pictures of smurfs. Ron figured she was a new recruit. "S-sir," she stammered when she saw who it was, "welcome. Everybody is w-waiting for you..."

She bowed as Ron walked past and followed him down the hall, past the front desk and into an empty owl room. Ron waited while she tapped her wand against the floor and opened a trap door then followed her down a flight of stairs into a large room filled with various Hogwarts students, ranging from first years to seventh years. They all bowed with respect when they saw him.

Ron grinned to himself then took his place at the head of the crowd. "Welcome," he said, his voice magically amplified, "to another meeting of the AIP." He looked around at all of the new and old faces. "Assassins in pajamas."

He waved his wand, Summoning his attendance sheet. When it didn't appear immediately, he frowned. "Amanda," he said, turning around to the girl behind him, "where's the list? It was here last Friday."

"Oh!" she exclaimed, and turned around quickly, removing a brick from the wall. "Erica found this spot after you left last week. We thought it was a pretty good hiding place." Amanda tossed him a roll of parchment.

"Thank you," Ron said, catching and unrolling the sheet. Amanda was an okay girl, for a Slytherin, he thought. "Brocklehurst, Mandy." There was a shower of blue sparkles in one corner of the room. "Cameron, James." Red sparks. "Davis, Erica," was present, as were, "Diaz, Lauren; Emerick, Michael; Fontez, Steffi; and Graff, Steven." Ron looked up with serious eyes. "Granger, Hermione," he said.

Nothing happened.

"Where's Hermione?" he asked.

The fifteen-year-old Ravenclaw he recognized as Erica Davis jumped up to the speaker's platform. "She's not here? She told me she'd come early to help set up..."

Just then, the Smurf pajama-clad girl from the entrance burst in, followed closely by Hermione (who was wearing red pajamas); Vriesen, Corinne; and Vriesen, Kaitie, clad in yellow and blue respectively. "Death Eaters!" Hermione exclaimed, turning heads. "In Hogsmeade!"

After a moment of stunned disbelief, there was a complete uproar. "DEATH EATERS?!" shouted Amanda, clutching her wand. "Where?" Her sentiments were echoed by numerous other AIPs as they all looked at Ron.

"Herm, where are they?" he asked, fervently hoping that they weren't here because of him.

"They were walking into The Three Broomsticks as I passed by," Hermione replied, still breathing hard.

"That's on the other side of town..." Ron mumbled as he thought.

"Well then, I think that we had better get back to the school. This is a major setback, as I had hoped to discuss the failure of Plan Gato with you, but we have to alert the others," he announced after some consideration. "We will have to form our attack groups. Group ChatMorte, you will lead the way. The Head Honcho Kaitie," he nodded to one of the girls who had followed Hermione in, "will be expected to scout for the rest of us. Got it?"

There was a chorus of "YES!" after he was finished speaking. Then Group CM readied themselves for departure by slipping on their camouflage bathrobes. As people changed around them, Ron grabbed Hermione's hand. He led her towards the corner of the room where most people had their backs turned. "'Mione, are you alright?" he asked, face creased with concern.

Hermione swallowed and nodded, "I was so scared! And Ron, this is going to put off Plan Katze! She'll be allowed to wreak havoc for another week!"

Hermione looked as if she was going to cry, Ron quickly pulled her into a hug. Then, realizing what he was doing, he let go of her and felt his ears go red. "You'd better get changed," he muttered, and walked away. He cursed under his breath. "Damn you, Norris! You're free for another brief respite, but we'll get you!"

Group ChatMorte surrounded the Three Broomsticks, brandishing wands. The apprehension in the air was chokingly thick. Head Honcho Kaitie, in her haste to scout the area, had tripped over a large black dog in the street and sworn aloud; luckily nobody had heard it.

Ron, at this point, was back at the owl post office with Hermione, retrieving Harry's invisibility cloak. Group ChatMorte watched as their heads appeared side-by-side in midair, then as Hermione slipped out from under the cloak. "Right," Ron said. "Cover me, 'Mione. I'm going in."

A senior AIP took up a position at either side of all entrances and windows around the Three Broomsticks, knowing that they'd have to be ready with the Stunning curse if one of the Death Eaters decided to make a guest appearance. Ron himself slipped in the back door, closing it gently as he entered the kitchen. (Nobody saw this, however, as he was very much covered by the invisibility cloak. How sad for the voyeuses.)

Rosmerta nearly had a heart attack when Ron's disembodied head appeared in the kitchen. He clamped a hand over her mouth, then, when he was sure she wouldn't scream, removed it.

"Ron Weasley!" Rosmerta yelled in a whisper. "What are you doing here? Don't you know who's in there?!"

"We know, Rosmerta," he answered grimly. "Where are their drinks?"

Rosmerta, looking sufficiently confused, pointed to the counter to his left.

Ron turned, digging an envelope out of his pajama pocket and measuring the appropriate amount of the condensed potion into each mug of Butterbeer or goblet of mulled mead. "Sorry, Rosmerta," he said as he turned around again, brandishing his wand. "Obliviate."

Come morning, The Three Broomsticks was crawling with rather confused ministry officials.

Ted Galliger stroked his beard in a perplexed manner. "And you say..."

Rosmerta sighed. "They didn't vanish; they fell through the floor like they were ghosts. I checked down in the cellar, but they weren't there."

"Sir! Sir!"

Ted strode over to the young witch jumping about excitedly. "What is it, Hopkins?"

Hopkins handed her find to Galliger: A yellow rubber duck.

Hopkins looked at her boss fearfully. "The AIP?"

"The AIP."

Rosmerta shot uneasy glances between Ted and Hopkins. She leaned towards them.

"What's the AIP?" she whispered fearfully, her eyes wide.

Ted and Hopkins exchanged an uneasy glance.

"You explain, Hopkins," Ted ordered. Hopkins scowled, looking like she disapproved of Ted's use of his power as superior officer. She swallowed uneasily and began fiddling with her cloak.

"Well..." she began slowly. "We don't, um, really, well, know. I mean," she said quickly, "we know a bit, I mean..."

"They're a group that we believe to be based in Hogsmeade," Ted interrupted irritably. "They've done things like this before. And you say theses people just vanished? Did anyone cast any spells on them at all?"

Rosmerta shook her head, her eyes wide.

"No, not that I can remember. This AIP," she continued uneasily. "It's not, well," she lowered her voice, worry clear on her face, "dangerous, are they? This won't put my customers at risk and stop them coming, will it?"

Ted and Hopkins exchanged another uncertain glance.

"Well," Ted said, shifting uneasily. "We think it stands for 'Assassins' something-or-other, so I'd say, yes, they can be dangerous."

"Terrorist group," Hopkins added knowledgeably. Rosmerta's hands flew to her mouth.

"Oh, no! Do you know who's in the group?" Hopkins shot Ted a dark glance.

"We suspect a couple of Hogwarts students," Ted whispered. "But that's confidential, so it doesn't leave this, er, bar."

Rosmerta gulped.

Hopkins appeared in the alleyway that night. Seeing the sign she was looking for, she spoke quietly. "You shouldn't be here, you know."

The invisible almost-man pulled off his hood for a moment. "You should talk."

Hopkins ignored him. "Galliger's on to you, you know. The AIP, I mean. You can't just go around making Death Eaters fall through floors in the middle of Hogsmeade. Someone is bound to get suspicious."

"Death Eaters shouldn't *have* meetings in Hogsmeade!" Ron pointed out, nervously glancing from side to side.

"Well," Hopkins continued, "I reckon Galliger's on his way out, anyway. The Aurors know he's a-"

"Shh!" Ron commanded, glancing from side to side again. He lowered his voice considerably. "You mean he's a Dark wizard?"

Hopkins snorted. "Hardly. He's a heretic, for an ordinary Cleanup Crew wizard. They're transferring him to the Unspeakable unit."

"Oh," Ron said, somewhat mollified. "Anyway- what do we have to fear from the Ministry? Are they coming after *us*, or are they going to leave us be? We're certainly doing them no harm, unless you count overworking the Cleanup Crews and making the Aurors' jobs a lot easier."

"Lucius Malfoy wants you on assault and underage use of magic."

Ron swore. Someone said, "Ron!" It sounded like it was coming from under the cloak.

Hopkins grinned. "Is there enough *room* for the two of you under there, Ronniekins?"

There was a muffled, "Don't call him Ronniekins!" and then, "ow!"

At this point, Amanda and Kaitie skidded to a halt at the front of the alley. "Sir!" Amanda said somewhat urgently, "Professor Snape's here! We have to get back to Hogwarts, now!"

Ron's eyes widened. "Right," he said. "I'll talk to you later, Linds. Thanks for the FYI. Let's go, Hermione." His head vanished, and the rest of group ChatMorte ran off to the Shrieking Shack.

Ron sat next to Hermione in potions, showing no signs of fatigue. He'd been with the AIP since his third year and the first lesson to learn was how to hide any tiredness.

He cast a sideways glance at Hermione, who was taking the notes he'd be copying down later. She'd been a member for only a year, but had already advanced to red robe level. He sighed and fiddled with his quill. All the seemingly never ending Death Eater activity were only distracting them from their main target: Norris. Ron had begun to wonder if his worst enemy was somehow responsible for the swell of Death Eaters. It was the sort of thing she'd do.

"Ron," Harry poked his friend with his wand, "do you want to go to lunch or not?"

Ron looked around and saw everybody standing and leaving and quickly gathered his things.

"Don't worry," Hermione whispered as they made their way towards the Great Hall. "We'll get her tonight, no matter what. Mrs. Norris doesn't stand a chance."

Ron, Harry and Hermione walked into the Great Hall. Most of the school was already inside. Ron scanned the tables; the new recruit he'd noticed at the meeting seemed to be holding up well.

Just as he'd sat down at the Gryffindor table, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to see Davis, from group ChatMorte. Quickly, she whispered a message: "There's a complication, we have to call the attack for tonight off! No time to explain."

Ron nodded and she quickly walked away. He turned to Hermione. "Hermione, can we go out side for a second?" he mumbled.

Hermione, who had been watching out of the corner of her eye, quickly stood up. "Certainly, Ron," she said as she picked up her bag.

They were almost at the door when a cold voice stopped them. "Well, well, well, what do we have here?" it said.

"Sod OFF Malfoy, I don't have the time," Ron said exasperatedly. He turned to face the other boy and his goons.

Draco's eyes narrowed. "Where do you get off using that sort of tone with me?" he said, a sharp edge of anger adding to his already cold tone.

"Look, you just interrupted our plan!" exclaimed Ron. He heard Hermione gasp, thinking he was about to expose them. He fervently hoped she would understand his next words.

"We were planning to head outside and SHAG!" he said, practically shouting the last word. It seemed to work, as he heard Hermione let out a small "Oh!" of understanding. She turned and ran out of the room, leaving Ron to face an incredulous Draco.

~*~*~

Hermione ran full out down the corridor. She reached the Fat Lady in 2 minutes flat and gasped out the password. "D-Defy the Dark!"

She tore inside, raced up the stairs to the boys' dorm and burst through the door. After verifying that no one was inside she ran over to Ron's trunk, whispered "Alohomora!" and dug around inside, frantically pawing past the boxers and jumpers until, with a whispered "Yes!" of triumph, she pulled out a small box.

The box began to feel faintly warm in her hand, and she quickly whispered the password for the warding charms. "Sex and candy," she murmured and tapped her wand on the lid. The lid popped off, revealing a rectangular pillowy object, with a round hole in the middle, just about the right size for a wand tip.

Hermione quickly stuck the Secret High-tech Alarm Gadget (or SHAG for short) on her wand and dashed into her dorm, where she locked herself into the bathroom and started whispering.

"Shaggus Alertus: Vriesen, Kaitie; Mancini, Amanda; Davis, Erica; Cameron, James." There was a glow in the SHAG, and soon, four little bells told her that all four were listening.

"Kaitie, Amanda, Erica, James, we have some sort of problem," she said, speaking into the SHAG as a Muggle would a microphone. "Now, I believe that you, Erica, came to talk to the BigWig Ron just a little while ago, and that as a result, this evening's activities must be called off?"

A voice spoke into Hermione's ear. "Yes," it said, "I've received information from Hopkins through one of my agents. The ministry is conducting tests on the school tonight. These tests would interfere with Plan Katze. A certain Harry Potter was trying to eavesdrop on the message so I had to keep it short and simple. You should watch that one; he's getting curious. What's happened to the BW Ron?"

"He was detained, but everything should be alright," Hermione answered. "We'll have to postpone it, *again*! Kaitie, James, and Erica, please alert your groups of the postponement, we don't want any mishaps like the last time. I'll be in touch through the SHAG later."

Three affirmations came through, James' with a certain amount of embarrassment. One of his agents had been in the infirmary the last time a plan had been called off last minute. It had been a near disaster, but Ron had managed to repair all the damage to their secrecy.

"Alright, 'til later orders come in, finite Incantatem," Hermione said. Hermione looked at her watch and was startled to see that lunchbreak was already over. She cursed under her breath. "Oh no! Shag's made me late for class!"

She hurriedly put SHAG back in its proper place and ran off to meet Ron and Harry in Charms.

Professor Flitwick was just getting started as she got in the door. "Sorry, Professor," she wheezed, grabbing a seat at the trio's usual table. "I, ER, had an emergency meeting with Professor Sprout." Hermione thanked her lucky stars that Sprout was actually an AIP taking polyjuice and would back her up, no questions asked.

The tiny teacher nodded once and went back to his teaching. "This new charm should be relatively easy for you. The incantation is 'Canardus rubberus'-"

Hermione and Ron exchanged a look over top of Harry's head. Nobody else was supposed to know that charm! It was top-secret AIP business.

"- and its most well-known use is with the AIP, or Assassins-something-or-other, we haven't quite finished decoding that, have we gentlemen?" Professor Flitwick asked, looking towards the back of the classroom.

Involuntarily, Hermione glanced back over her shoulder. *Oh, no.* There sat two men in business robes, equipped with sunglasses and everything. They seemed to be taking notes. She swallowed hard and exchanged another look with Ron.

Harry looked at her funny. "Something wrong, Hermione?" he asked, looking from her, to Ron, and back again. He grinned. "I heard through the grapevine that Malfoy caught you two going outside for a little extracurricular activity at lunch today." Harry waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Hermione turned beet red, and on Harry's other side, Ron did the same.

"So, get together in threes, and let's see how you do with this."

The three of them spread out across the table and raised their wands. "On three?" Hermione asked, and the other two nodded. "One... two... three! Canardus rubberus!"

Two perfect rubber ducks popped up on either side of a rather dilapidated one. It looked as if it'd been chewed on by an enthusiastic tiger cub. Harry looked meaningfully at Ron and said in a low voice, "Guess I need more *practice*, huh?"

Ron's eyes grew very wide and he had to resist the urge to look back at the men over his shoulder. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Right, Hermione thought. Me neither.

Her eyes drifted towards Ron's and for the briefest moment she caught a hint of the same fear she felt reflected within his gaze. He quickly adjusted his expression, and the two of them turned their eyes on Harry, whose arms were crossed over his chest.

"You're awfully good at that for something we just learned!" he hissed, shooting an accusing glare at Ron and Hermione. "Not even you're that good first time Hermione!"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Hermione exclaimed, fighting to keep her voice from showing her nervousness. "I just happen to be *good* at Charms, thank you very much!" She sniffed haughtily and turned away from Harry, hoping that Ron would back her up.

"You know she's always been better at Charms than you," Ron said quickly.

"And better than you!" Harry retorted. "Where'd you develop *your* sudden skills?"

"Well..." Ron said, his voice trailing off. He raised an eyebrow at Hermione across Harry's head.

"I've been coaching him. What Malfoy caught us preparing to do wasn't our *only* extracurricular activity!" She sniffed again, and this time Ron joined her. They both turned their backs on Harry.

"Class, let's take a look at your work!" Flitwick called from his desk. He began strolling around the room, examining the rubber ducks on each student's desk.

Ron gave a nervous gulp. Hermione could tell he had seen exactly the same thing she had. This class was a trap, and they had fallen right into it, for theirs were by far the best ducks in the room.

At the same time, they both surreptitiously began trying to alter the ducks, but Hermione knew in her heart it would never work, certainly not in time. She could see Ron had realised this too, for he gave up.

"These are very *good* ducks . . ." Flitwick told them as he reached their desk. Hermione avoided meeting his eyes.

"Mr Weasley, Miss Granger, I think we'd better have a little *talk*," one of the wizards in business robes said. "This way please."

Ron and Hermione exchanged a sullen glance, then complied, following the wizard from the classroom.

It took all of Hermione's AIP training to hide the panic she was feeling. Ron walked along side her with his head held high.*This can't be happening!* she silently screamed at the sinister looking wizards, *don't you see? Not now, with Norris still at large!*

Ron gave her hand a quick squeeze, and she felt a little calmer.

The taller of the two wizards opened a door to a room Hermione had never been in before. "After you."

The room was bare except for a table and four chairs. It was just like the interview rooms on the police shows Hermione watched as a young girl.

She took her seat next to Ron, and tried to mimic his collected expression.

The smallest wizard cleared his throat. "We're just going to ask you a few questions, kids. Nothing at all to be worried about." He looked over at his partner nervously and continued. "Those were very good rubber ducks you conjured."

Ron shrugged. "Hermione's really good at charms. She's been teaching me."

"You've never done that particular charm before?"

Ron shook his head. "No, I've never even heard of it."

The tall wizard looked at Hermione. "What about you, Miss Granger? You ever seen that charm before?"

Hermione shook her head, "no."

"I see," he raised an eye brow, "ever heard of the AIP?"

Hermione gulped and shook her head slowly and prayed for an escape.

Sometimes prayers are answered.

A loud, yet almost familiar, wailing filled the hall. Hermione, Ron and the two wizards dashed out to see what it was.

Cho Chang (an AIP since her second year), stood in the hall, her golden egg from the Triwizard tournament open at her feet. She grinned sheepishly, "I'm so sorry! I was taking this to show my sister's first year friends, and I kinda dropped it..."

"Well," said the taller (and definitely meaner) wizard, "whatever it ruddy well is, shut it up!"

Cho shuffled, embarrassed.

"I'm so sorry, sirs! I..was....uh....just taking the egg for a walk! I know that it wasn't mine, but I...I like to look at the egg, to remember C-cedric. He was my boyfriend, you know, Cedric Diggory." She stopped talking, apparently overcome by her tears.

The men looked at each other awkwardly, obviously thinking the same thing: What do we do now to this poor girl whose boyfriend was murdered?

Both of the men shrugged. One of them finally barked out, "Well, don't let it happen again, Miss......?"

Cho looked up through her staged sobs and saw a figure with bright red hair looking back at her with concern. She mouthed, 'go', to him, then looked back at the men and worked herself up again.

".........Ch-ch-{loud sob}-Chang........."

What to say now? Was the thought on everyone's minds. Cho was trying to figure out how to stall, and the agents were thinking: Oh lord, we can't just leave her here like this, can we?

Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione were jogging through the gardens when they came upon a figure. They looked at each other in alarm, and then recognized the person as...

Argus Filch.

Ron hissed in alarm and quickly pushed Hermione behind a conveniently located bush, reaching for his wand. "Let me just say," he muttered, "that this is not good."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Whatever gave you that impression? Has he got Norris with him?"

Ron peeked out from behind the bush. "Nope. He's alone."

"Do you think you can hit him with a stun hex from here?"

Ron considered a moment, judging the distance. "It's possible," he said finally, "but I wish there was another way. It's risky."

Hermione bit her lip in concentration. "Is there any way to distract him?"

"Yeah," said Ron under his breath. "Take off all your clothes and run screaming into the lake."

Hermione blinked. "What?"

*Oops. I must have said that out loud. Smooth, Weasley.* "Nothing. I don't know how we can distract-"

But Ron was interrupted by Filch's infuriated shouting. "Potter! Get your hands off that woman *immediately*!"

Ron and Hermione exchanged glances, then simultaneously peeked out around different sides of their cover.

Ron's jaw dropped at about the same time that Hermione let out a noise that sounded suspiciously like a giggle. Sitting on the bench underneath a maple tree were Ginny and Harry in an extremely compromising position. Both of them were studiously ignoring Filch. Ron made a strangled sound under his breath. "I am going to kill him," Ron said lightly, standing up straight and making his way around the bush.

Hermione grabbed him by the back of his robes and yanked him back down to the ground. He landed flat on his back, the wind knocked out of him. Hermione gave him a look. "You might be a bit more lenient, as they've just saved our bums."

Ron looked at her somewhat helplessly. "That's my *sister* he's snogging out there!"

"Not just snogging, by the sounds of it," Hermione grinned.

Ron covered his ears. "Make it stop," he moaned.

She laughed. "Let's go. This is the perfect time to make our escape." Hermione reached down to give him a hand up, but he took it and yanked her down on top of him. Some unnamed missile flew right through the space her head had occupied a moment before.

It took a moment before Hermione realized two things. The first was that she was laying on top of Ron, and should probably move but didn't feel like it. The second was that Pigwidgeon was a dangerous owl and should be given a lesson in avoiding human obstacles while flying.

Hermione sat up and reached for the letter, wondering who it could be from. She unrolled the parchment carefully. It said,

*I know what you are trying to do. I also know you should be a lot more careful. Just because the Ministry only knows you as Assassins-something-or-other doesn't mean they can't figure out that you're members.

I can help you. I know you know about Norris, and I also know you're after her. I know the best way to get her.

Meet me in the AIP headquarters in Hogsmeade at eight p.m. Quack three times to let me know it's you.

Signed - A well-wisher*

Hermione let out a startled gasp. Ron moaned and rolled over.

"Don't suppose you could be any heavier when you're landing on someone, could you?" Hermione shot him a warning glance.

"This isn't the time!" she hissed angrily, handing him the letter. As he read it his eyes widened until it seemed that if they got any larger they'd pop out of his face.

"Who sent this?" Hermione gave an exasperated sigh. Ron rolled his eyes at her and sat up. "I know you don't know! I was thinking out loud!" he said defensively. She sighed again.

"This could spoil all our plans!" she hissed. "Another setback! And we don't even know ... I mean, it could be a trap for all we know!"

"I know that!" Ron snapped. Hermione gave him a reprimanding look.

"Do you want my suggestions or not?" she exclaimed. Ron sighed.

"Well?"

"I think we need to SHAG!"

"Good thinking!" Ron said. "Do you have it?"

"Of course!" Hermione answered. She retrieved the plastic protective package from the depths of her bag and quickly unwrapped the SHAG.

"You should remember to use it more often," she admonished, and stuck it on Ron's wand.

"Shaggus Alertus, Vriesen, Katie; Mancini, Amanda; Davis, Erica; Cameron, James," he muttered. After the affirmation that all four group leaders were listening, Ron proceeded to read out the letter. When he had finished he asked, "How shall we handle this?"

"Hmm... could this be a trap?" Head Honcho Kaitie replied. "I mean, this person could be in the Ministry, heck, this could be You-Know- I mean, Voldemort himself!"

"We are aware of that," Hermione said, happily noting that Katie was following the new rule about using the proper name, so as to improve morale. "But if this person really can help, we can't afford to miss out on such an important opportunity!"

"That's true," James said. "Why don't we just bring back-up, I mean, you can have the SHAG with you, and there can be a Group waiting outside."

"Good idea, Cameron!" Ron exclaimed. "But I would hate to have someone discover our secret SHAG. Maybe if we use that charm Herm was talking about?"

"Oh! That's right!" Hermione said, smacking her forehead. "Suprema Accio! It's a very advanced summoning charm. So strong it can summon people. We can use it to bring in the squad if we need it."

"But if it's so advanced, who would work it?" Amanda asked.

"Well, I've worked it successfully..." Hermione started.

"No! You can't go into such a dangerous situation!" Ron interrupted.

"Why on earth not?" Hermione said, annoyed at being cut off.

Ron turned very red. "Uh.. erm... because... You just shouldn't be put in that situation," he stuttered.

"Ron! I've been in situations much more dangerous! You know that. My coming along will ensure safety for all the members of the team, plus, we'll have the cloak. Harry won't be using it. Ginny usually tells me before they mee- oh... Damn."

"What?!" Ron was livid.

"Enough of that," Hermione said quickly. "We're in the middle of a SHAG! Cameron, Davis, Vriesen, Mancini. We want you to put your members on alert. Tell them that they need to be extremely careful. The Ministry is on the prowl. Skip Charms whenever possible!" This was met with a couple of choked affirmations, and a snort covered by an embarrassed cough.

"Will do!" said Erica, sounding like she was gasping for breath. "Who'll be back-up at the rendezvous tonight?"

"Group DeathKatz," answered Ron. "Amanda, alert your members to be in their uniforms; you need to be ready to be pulled from whatever you were doing. I would suggest hiding out in the Sirius cave outside of Hogsmeade." Only Ron and Hermione knew the real spelling of the cave's name.

"Righto, Sir!" said Amanda.

"The rest of you, be prepared to be called in for backup. That's all for now! Finite Incantatem!" Ron turned back to Hermione. "What-"

"Ron, can we have this conversation some other time? Please?" said Hermione in a pained voice. "We need to plan, I need to practise the Suprema Accio, and you need to find a way to manage to keep from killing Harry." She stood up and extended her hand for Ron to do the same. "I'll see you at 7:30 in front of the common room."

Ron grasped her hand and stood up, feeling a tingle go through his arm. "Yeah. I'll see you..." he said as he casually stepped out from behind the bush. He walked towards the school, gently massaging his hand with a thoughtful expression on his face.

Come 7:25, Ron was angry, nervous, and extremely confused. This was not abnormal for Ron; in fact, they were three of his most common emotions, but he didn't relish experiencing them all at once. Frustrated, he pulled out his wand and the SHAG from his knapsack. "Davis," he barked.

The answering ring and affirmation echoed in his ear. "Yes, sir," she said. Ron could hear the smile in her voice. "This is a bad time... Something I could help you with?"

He frowned. He just wanted to know why she was laughing. "Yeah. You can tell me what's so funny. There shouldn't have been any reason for you to be laughing during a conversation with your superior officer, especially at a time like this."

Erica sounded sheepish. "Sir, this isn't the time... you're meeting with Hermione in-"

"Tell me," Ron said, not sounding so much like a commanding officer as he did a very confused teenage boy.

"Hermione told us to skip Charms whenever possible."

Ron grinned. When he thought about it, that *was* pretty funny. Still, he sensed there was something else. "And...?"

"Well- you and Reconnaissance Leader Hermione- you weren't *really*- uh, in the middle of something, were you?" Erica sounded somewhat out of breath again.

Ron turned red. "What!? Why would we call you if we were in the middle of- oh. But why would you even *think* that? It's Hermione! She's my best friend!"

"Tuh, Ron. Exactly. You're with her twenty-four seven. Alone, oftentimes. You told Malfoy you were going to shag; be that as it may. You understand each other. What part of this- ow- aren't you getting? Oh, honestly James, *stop* for a second-"

Ron turned even redder. "Have I interrupted something, Davis?"

"Maybe. At any rate- are you telling me you and Hermione *haven't*-"

All of the color drained from Ron's face. Hermione had just appeared at the top of the stairs. "No," he said quickly. "Thank you, Davis. Weasley out."

'Oh, great,' Hermione thought, 'I'm late. I'm never late. I'm always on time- even McGonagall says so- and this is the second time this week...' She checked her watch. 'Oh well. It's only 8:04- not that bad, maybe my watch is just fast...' Hermione felt Ron stop in front of her and did the same, careful not to jar the cloak too much and reveal their toes.

Ron quacked three times and they stepped inside the headquarters. Upon seeing its occupants, they were both stunned.

"Professor Dumbledore!" Hermione exclaimed, eyes wide, at the same time as Ron growled, "Malfoy," and reached for his wand. "What are you doing here?" they chorused.

With a gentle smile, Dumbledore waved his hand and their wands were suddenly in his grasp. "No need for these. Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley, please, take a seat."

Ron and Hermione sat.

Ron glared at Malfoy's sneering face. "What are *you* doing here?" he growled.

"Temper, temper; Weasley," Malfoy warned. "If you say things like that, I may just forget about helping you. Especially after your *ahem* blatant breaking of curfew..."

"Oh come off it, Malfoy! We both know you involve yourself in after-curfew activities as well... do I have to remind you of a certain blue haired Slytherin who goes by the name Wicky?" Ron shot back.

"You *know* about that?!" Draco looked shocked.

Ron grinned, a cheshire cat grin.

Draco's pale cheeks tinted pink.

"Boys, please, the purpose of this meeting was not to unearth the relationships of those here. It was to discuss strategy," Dumbledore said with a faint smile playing across his face. "Now, I know that you, Mr. Weasley, are a quite high-ranking official in the AIP?"

Ron swallowed. "That's correct, sir."

"And you, Mr. Malfoy, had discovered this little bit of information, and planned to help the AIP in capturing a few Death Eaters, using your connections?"

"Yes, sir," Draco replied.

"And you, Ms. Granger, you are a member of the AIP as well?"

"Yes Professor, sir."

"Now, I had come here tonight, hoping to sit in on a meeting of the AIP and assist them in their noble cause. I was hoping to offer you the use of some of my connections in return for you helping me further my cause by putting your lot in with my Order of the Phoenix."

Ron just stared. Hermione was the one who was able to speak first. "Y-you mean that you want US? The AIP, in *The Order of the Phoenix*?!"

Dumbledore nodded. "That's correct."

Ron got his voice back. "Wow. Sir, thank you for the invitation. This, this is a great honour. We need to ask the rest though. Hold a vote."

"Of course," Dumbledore said. "If you would like, you can give me your answer anytime. Just walk to the Gargoyle outside my office and say "Guy Fawkes day Rocks" for yes, and "Phoenix Fricasee" for no. I'll receive the message."

Ron sat there, his mouth hanging open in shock. Hermione took the opportunity to answer before Ron said something foolish -

"We'll have an answer shortly," she said curtly, as she nodded to Dumbledore and pulled Ron out of the headquarters.

"Why did you act like that for Herm? The man invited our secret-organised-crime-fighting organisation into his top-secret-organisation-against-Voldemort's-but-kissing-death-eater-trash -Uh-" Ron calmed down and took a breath when he saw the look on Hermione's face. "What was there to decline? We should have just said yes right then and there."

"Ron, you know as well as I do that we need to talk this over with the rest of AIP."

"Yeah... you're right... as always," he added with a grin, not noticing Hermione blush in the dark. They pulled the invisibility cloak over them and made their way back to the castle. "Should we SHAG now or wait 'til the morning?"

"Now." Hermione answered solemnly. "I have a feeling that we're going to need a good night's sleep."

*Anyone want to tell me how that's going to make them sleep better? Ouch! Hermione *hit* me!*

***

"Shaggus Alertus, Vriesen, Katie; Mancini, Amanda; Davis, Erica; Cameron, James." Hermione clearly spoke into her wand. "Despite the hour, the issues of the meeting with the Anonymous Person must be discussed."

"Say what now?" a groggy Cameron answered.

"Dumbledore sent the message and we have to figure out what to do," Ron said, translating Hermione-talk.

"What?"

"Dumbledore?!"

"Holy $H!%."

"No wonder the password was 'quack'...."

The answers varied, but it call came down to the same thing...

"What do we do?"

Ron watched as Hermione slipped SHAG from her wand.

"See? I said they'd agree." She gave him a reprimanding look. "I still don't like working with Malfoy," he continued.

"You two had better learn to sort out your differences," Hermione warned, oblivious to the red rushing to Ron's cheeks at her comments. He turned his head downwards and kicked at the ground, angry at himself for blushing.

*What is is with me at the moment?* he thought angrily as he and Hermione began their walk to the gargoyle.

They had almost reached the gargoyle when Ron was suddenly bowled over by something invisible.

"Oof!" Harry's voice said as he appeared form under the Invisibility Cloak. "Oh. Hi, Ron, Hermione," he said casually, trying to sidle around them.

"Where are *you* going?" Ron said suspiciously. "Not to meet with my sister at this hour?" Harry flushed. Ron's jaw dropped. "Harry! She's only ..."

"Ron! Harry!' Hermione cried, stepping between the two of them. "Stop fighting. We have our *own* business to attend to," she said with a pointed glance at Ron. Harry raised an eyebrow.

"If you don't say anything, I won't say anything," he said, slipping past them and disappearing under the cloak before Ron or Hermione could say anything.

"He won't say anything!" Ron exclaimed when the impact of Harry's words set in. "We're not .." He stopped. Hermione was giggling. "And what's so funny?"

"Well ..." she said, smiling sheepishly. "You have to admit it must have *sounded* like ..."

"Please!" Ron exclaimed, striding away towards Dumbledore's office.

After giving the message to the statue outside Dumbledore's office, Ron and Hermione headed back to Gryffindor tower, hopefully to get the sleep they'd been lacking for days. When they got there, however, they found that this was impossible. Head Honcho Kaitie of Ravenclaw was waiting somewhat nervously in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, shifting her gaze from side to side. She wasted no time in tackling them to the side behind a tapestry when she saw them.

"Don't say anything," Kaitie warned, looking around warily. She cast a Privacy spell. "Anyone could hear you."

Even through the Privacy spell? Right. Ron and Hermione exchanged glances. It was well-known that Head Honcho Kaitie was a quite paranoid.

"Well??" Kaitie asked impatiently.

Ron shrugged. "You told us not to say anything."

The Ravenclaw looked a bit embarrassed. "Right. Okay. Well, what I have to say is this: Plan Katze has to go through tonight. Filch heard about it- probably a leak in one of the younger kids wanting to get out of detention; we'll have to ferret him out later- and now he's laying Stunned behind the trick bookcase. You never know how long it'll take him to get out, though, so if we're going to get rid of Norris, it has to be now."

Ron's eyes grew wide and Hermione stifled a groan. "Just when I thought I was going to get some sleep..."

"That's not all," Kaitie continued, oblivious.

Ron gaped. "There's more?"

"There are Death Eaters in the castle."

Hermione choked on her yawn, a very difficult thing to do. "What!?"

Kaitie looked perturbed. "Sh!" She looked from side to side again, as if the very walls could be listening. "And they know who you are."

"They know what?!" Ron practically yelled. "How could they know who we are? We were so careful- excessive screening, polygraph tests, Secrecy charms, passwords, hiding places- how did they find out?"

Kaitie looked at him blandly. "Like this," she said sinisterly, and began to change.

Hermione gasped. Before her was not Head Honcho Kaitie at all, but...

Hermione gasped. "Percy!"

Percy Weasley sneered, "Yes, me. Percy the Pinhead prefect."

Ron grabbed his brother by the shoulders and shook him. "Percy! What have you done!? What have you told Norris?"

"I've told Norris everything. You didn't think you'd ever beat Norris, did you!? You're a fool, Ron! All of you. Fools!!"

Hermione could see a wide array of emotions battling it out on Ron's face, but he was a good at what he did, and knew he had no time to waste. So he clenched his fist and knocked his brother out cold.

"Ron," Hermione fought back tears, "I'm sorry..."

"No time." He grabbed her by the wrist. "Go and get the others; take care of the Death Eaters. Hurry!"

Hermione hesitated. "But what about you?"

Ron pulled out his wand. "I'm going after Norris."

"No you're not," said Hermione. "Who would watch Percy? If you go after Norris, that would leave me here with him. And you are not doing that. I refuse to baby-sit Bighead the Bungling Bore."

"I'm not letting you go after Norris alone, especially with Death Eaters in the castle. You have to get on the SHAG and contact the others! I'm sure as Hell not letting you go out alone!"

"And you think I'm letting *you* out alone?"

Ron and Hermione glared at each other. Finally, Ron sighed and said, "Fine. So neither of us is going alone. Which means we're going together."

"Right," said Hermione. "And what do we do with Captain Obnoxious over here?"

Ron shrugged, pulled his foot back, and kicked Percy in the ribs. It made a satisfying crunch noise. "We tie him up and break his wand."

"Makes sense," Hermione admitted. When Percy was tied up to their satisfaction and Ron had used a very destructive curse on his brother's violence-proof wand, they headed out into the corridor to see what was to be done.

"Wish we had the invisibility cloak," Ron muttered, poking his head around a corner. "Or the Marauder's Map. At least we'd know where the Death Eaters are hanging out."

The hallway was completely deserted except for the two of them. Hermione shivered. "It's definitely odd that there's no one in the corridor. I know it's late, but usually there's a ghost, or Peeves, or Filch or Mrs. Norris-" she cut herself off. "Honestly, Ron, are you a wizard or aren't you? Accio Marauder's Map!"

A few seconds later, it appeared, whizzing through a small hole in the wall with a quiet 'thunk.' Hermione grabbed it out of the air. "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good," she said, tapping it with her wand.

Ron looked at the map over her shoulder and scoffed. "It's Confunded," he said. "Strong hex, too."

"It's not Confounded, Ron," Hermione argued, giving him a skeptical look. "The Marauder's Map is Unconfoundable, just like Hogwarts is Unplottable."

"*Somebody* plotted it," Ron pointed out crossly. "Besides, what would Crabbe, Goyle, and Malfoy Sr. be doing in the Great Hall with Professor Dumble-"

"Ooooh," said Hermione. "And look in that secret passageway! That's Draco! He must've set a trap!"

It appeared to be so. Among many other names, seventy-five percent of the AIP had surrounded secret passages leading into the Great Hall. "What's the fastest way to the Hall from here?"

"Through that suit of armor," Ron answered.

Hermione peered at the map. "That's not on here."

"The Marauders didn't know *everything*, Hermione," Ron responded with a smile. The suit of armor swung aside, revealing a narrow chute in the rock wall. "After you."

*

"So what you're saying is, there are a whole bunch of big bad Death Eaters in the Great Hall who want revenge on our souls for sending them swirling through space and time for half a week. These guys are generally acknowledged as uncongenial at best, have been known to kill without provocation, were Voldemort's right-hand men and women, and you want us to attack them?!"

"Pretty much," Draco said. "But you forgot about the part where you're not supposed to curse Dumbledore and Snape."

"Snape deserves it if he gets cursed," Amanda muttered, fingering her wand nervously. "Fine," she finally conceded. "I'll put in a word with the other group leaders. It's not like we aren't helping ourselves in the process. Hey, Vriesen! Davis! Cameron!"

Kaitie heard her voice from another section of that particular passageway and came running. "What's up?"

"Malfoy here wants us to get rid of some Death Eaters in the Great Hall. Only, we're not supposed to hurt Snape or Dumbledore."

Kaitie whipped out her wand, a feral light gleaming in her eyes. "Great. When do we start?"

"Not *yet*," Amanda said, mentally shaking her head at her friend and fellow AIP's obvious thirst for Death Eater blood. "Where are Erica and James?"

"They left the Norris Ambush meeting a couple of minutes ago..."

"Well, where did they go?"

Kaitie looked a bit sheepish and a bit reproachful. "I didn't ask," she said mildly.

There was a sudden commotion at the end of the secret passageway and Bigwig Ron and his personal assistant Hermione rushed in, looking slightly harried. (Pardon the pun.) "Sorry we're late for the party," Ron apologized, taking in the impromptu strategy session. "Where are Cameron and Davis?"

"Shag 'em, sir."

"What?"

"The SHAG, genius," Hermione said, reaching into Ron's rucksack. "Honestly. Sex and candy... James, Erica, where *are* you?"

"Umm..."

"Never mind. Meet us in the secret passage that leads to the Great Hall as fast as you can. We've got a code three."

"A whaa?"

"Death Eaters in the castle, and Norris could be involved."

"Be there in three shakes of a lamb's tail. Cameron and Davis out."

Ron and Hermione exchanged glances, unwilling grins spreading across their faces. These grins spread even further when James and Erica burst in, rosy-cheeked and with their attack pajamas slightly askew.

"Let the fiesta begin," Kaitie said, brandishing her wand. "Alohomora!"

There was a *Click* as the door to the Great Hall came unlocked.

"Alright everyone! On your marks, get set, GO!" Ron shouted as he kicked open the door.

"Attaaaack," cried the AIPs as they poured into the Hall and started kicking- erm *supply Ron word*.

It was soon apparent that the lesser Death Eaters were in an outer ring, protecting their superiors. Behind the second ring was a very surprised looking Snape and a grimly smiling Dumbledore. Once Ron and the rest of the AIP leaders had fought through the outer circle it was possible to see a cat form lurking behind the Superiors.

"It's Norris!" Ron shouted to Hermione, who was standing a few feet away, hurling curses at what looked like a very feminine Death Eater.

"Stupefy Perminente!" she commanded, and as the Death Eater fell to the floor she shouted back, "We can deal with her when the time comes! Look OUT!"

Ron turned to see a Death Eater raising his wand.

"Avada Ked-" was as far as he got. Ron quickly did a Duck-Roll (a specialised AIP combat move) and kicked the man's wand away. Pointing his own wand at his opponent Ron muttered "Stupefy Perminente" and Death Eater #2 went down. As he jumped to his feet, Ron kicked off the mask, then recoiled as the frozen snarling face of Lucius Malfoy was revealed.

Ron quickly looked around the Great Hall, most of the lesser DEs had been defeated. Not without cost to their side, he noticed a couple of first years on the ground holding various injuries. They were being helped out by the MIPs (Medics In Pajamas, a side operation) He was pleased to note that there didn't seem to be any fatalities yet.

He caught a bit of movement out of the corner of his eye, and turned to confront the attacker.

It was Norris. She had been trying to slink around him and out of the Hall, but when he turned she launched herself at him, claws out.

Ron ducked, flinging out his arm to shield himself.

Mrs. Norris missed him by inches. Furious, she whirled to attack again, but Ron had already managed to point his wand at her.

"Impedimentia!" he yelled. Norris froze. Hissing in rage, she made mad lunges towards Ron as he approached her. After assuring himself that she was going nowhere Ron surveyed the room.

Death Eaters littered the floor, with only two camouflage clothed forms among them. These two didn't seem too badly hurt, as the MIPs weren't urgent in their tending them. Ron heaved a sigh of relief as he saw Hermione and Erica guarding a group of tied up Des. Snape and Dumbledore conversed in a hushed tone. Snape spluttering, and Dumbledore gently shaking his head.

He quickly pulled out the SHAG. Once he'd gotten Hermione, Erica, Katie, Cameron and Amanda on, he started, "Alright. This was quite the successful mission, I have Norris here now, under the Impedimentia. Hermione, Erica, I want you two to assign new guards and get over here. Cameron, Amanda and Katie, drop whatever you're taking care of and do the same. We need to SNOG Norris."

~*~*~*~

Ron, Hermione and the group leaders stood circling Mrs. Norris.

"Alright Felicia," Ron said, pointing his wand at Norris. "The game's up. Start Nattering On Now!" A jet of red light flew out of his wand and hit Norris in the throat. Ron hoped the spell would work, he'd just invented it this year, and he only knew it worked on humans, he had a suspicion that it'd work on anything that spoke, but he couldn't be sure.

There was a tense silence, then: "Oh sod it!" Mrs. Norris spat. "You brats know most of the plan anyway."

Even though Ron had been expecting something of the sort, he was shocked to hear the high-pitched, evil sound that was Felicia Norris' real voice.

"What plan?" HH Katie probed.

"Why the Taking Over The World Plan, of course," Norris hissed.

"So Crookshanks was *RIGHT*!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Yes, I now wish I hadn't brought my brother in on my alliance with dear Voldiekins," the cat said, "I always knew that that idiot was the sort to use our family's gift for *good*." She spat the word as if it were a bad taste.

Hermione was raising her wand, infuriated by the insult to her pet. Ron shot her a warning look and she reluctantly lowered it again.

"Where can we find Voldiekins?" James asked.

***(A/N: Warning! I've disgusted myself with this little bit of crude humour! If you do not want your virgin mind soiled skip the next paragraph!)***

"I don't know, he always came to meet me somewhere. We never went back to his place." A tinge of sadness accented Norris' voice. "He'd rent a room but..."

"Oh EW!" groaned Erica, "You have *got* to be kidding me. Halt! Desist! Stop Nattering On NOW!"

Mrs. Norris, finally getting back the ability to lie/stop speaking, immediately tried to begin confusing the AIPs. "That was all a lie you fools!" she screeched with a frantic look in her eyes.

But they all knew that the SNOG curse was foolproof."I think that we've kept her around for long enough, don't you?" Ron said, looking a bit green. They all nodded, except for Amanda, who had gotten the dry heaves over Norris' last SNOG comment.

Once she'd recovered, they all raised their wands and begun to chant:

"Quackus obliviato, Sous Vetements, SHAGGUS!" And Felicia Norris disappeared, to spend the rest of eternity outside of space and time.

~*~*~*~

"Good job Mr. Weasley; Mrs. Weas- Oh! I'm sorry Ms. Granger, my tired mind is wandering; Mr. Cameron; Ms. Vriesen; Ms. Mancini and Mrs. Camero- oh! I beg your pardon, Ms. Davis I must ask your forgiveness, I'm becoming senile in my old age and forgetting to cover up my divin... oh drat it all! You've proved your abilities in this last event."

The officers of the AIP all grinned (Erica, Hermione, Ron and James blushing), thanking Dumbledore for his kind words. "Now, now. We all know it's true," Dumbledore said when Katie tried to be modest. "I'm very glad that I've managed to get you all to join my little Order. Now, you'll find that Professor Snape will abstain from discussing tonight's occurrences with anyone. I would ask you all to please alert me before you make any new attacks in the future."

"Will do sir!" Ron assured him.

"Very good. Now, there's a bit of a Thank You/Death Eater Defeat celebration being held in the Great Hall for the students. I'm sure you are all eager to attend. I'll see you all at our next meeting."

As they all filed past the Gargoyle, James and Erica shared a brief kiss. They parted, blushing furiously and disappeared through the doors into the Great Hall after Amanda and Katie. Leaving Ron and Hermione alone in the corridor.

"Erm-" Ron mumbled.

Hermione turned to face him. "Ron," she said. "There's something I've been meaning to try out with you, but I'm not sure you'll like it."

"Uh, what is it then?" Ron asked, feeling his ears start to redden.

"This," said Hermione, and, taking a deep breath, she kissed him.

Ron stood in shock for a moment, before coming to a realisation that made him feel as though he were about two feet off the ground, floating. He kissed her back.

And *that* is where Harry and Ginny found them. Snogging passionately outside the Great Hall, as the rest of the Hogwarts population celebrated the defeat of the Death Eaters by the mysterious AIP.

The END