Proving Me Wrong

PROVING ME WRONG

CHAPTER 20

"The Beginning"

The bus rocked beneath Lily's feet and she moved to grasp a bedrail for support, taking the opportunity to remove herself from James's stare. "It's not that simple," she murmured, letting her head hang down as the lump on her scalp continued to throb.

The bus came to a halt and after heartfelt goodbyes and a lot of kisses planted on Remus's face, the little witch, whose name they had discovered was Arietta, got off the Knight Bus, her things levitating behind her. The coach was only half full now, with most of the night's revellers having dismounted at the Leaky Cauldron five minutes before.

Peter Pettigrew coughed politely. "Now that it seems you two have come to a sort of stalemate, the three of us," he gestured to himself, Sirius and Remus, "have a few questions."

James couldn't help but glance at Lily, who wore an expression of dread. She dropped down onto a bed opposite him and his friends, discreetly pulling the duvet over her bare legs. Their eyes met as she did this, and James saw a distinct blush rise in her cheeks.

"Your father," said Remus, "He wouldn't, you know, tell the police that you had been kidnapped or anything, would he? I mean, to him it would have seemed as though you had disappeared into thin air." He was pale as death now, James reflected, and shouldn't have been out of the Hospital Wing yet; let alone participating in a cross-country rescue attempt.

Lily shook her head. "He won't ring the police." Her stomach turned as she thought about Petunia, who she had abandoned in Surrey. No matter how much Petunia hated Lily's magic, she never would have left her alone with their father. Lily felt her stomach twist as she counted in her head the number of times Petunia had waved goodbye from their garden gate as Lily set off on another 'adventure'. Too many times, she thought bitterly.

"But I heard the neenaw," interjected Sirius. The three other boys stared at him uncomprehendingly. "You know - the neenaw," he insisted. Then he looked to Lily, who was watching the trees and telegraph poles leap out of the bus's way, "Evans, you know the neenaw, don't you?"

Lily's eyebrows rose slowly as she rejoined the conversation.

"Oh, come on. You do know. Neenaw-neenaw-neenaw-neenaw!"

There was a round of 'Oh's and Sirius Black rolled his eyes. "Knew we'd get there in the end," he muttered.

"That was an ambulance, Black. Not a police car," said Lily quietly. She returned to gazing out of the window, feeling four pairs of eyes drawn to her scalp. She couldn't wait to get back to Hogwarts so she could heal herself, get rid of the evidence, as it were.

"Oh, right. Well, that's good to hear," replied Sirius, leaning back on the bed. "I wouldn't fancy being announced as a wanted criminal on the Muggle news. We all know what an avid TV viewer my old mum is. It would break her poor heart."

This was obviously a private joke, Lily thought, as the three other boys laughed quietly.

"So, are you going to tell us what this is all about?" asked Remus Lupin.

"No," Lily refused, just as James answered, "Yes."

The redhead turned to glare at him.

James sighed, "Fine, do whatever the hell you want. I don't bloody care anymore."

Lily was shocked at the exhaustion in his voice, and the resentment.

Is this what she had done to James Potter?

She was losing her fight to stay awake, but she didn't dare stop listening to the boys' hushed voices, in case Remus Lupin persisted in his probing questions.

James saw Lily's eyelids drooping once more and sat up in his seat. "Lily? Try to stay awake, I don't want to use Enervate on you again."

Lily blinked sleepily. Then her eyes went wide. "You what?" she gasped. "Are you insane? You could get expelled, James. The Ministry have already questioned you once this year, don't you think performing acts of underage wizardry is pushing your luck?"

The four boys shared a look. It was Sirius Black who reacted first. Pushing his hair behind his ear, he spoke assuredly to her, "James came seventeen last May."

Lily snorted and nodded, remembering James's birthday broomstick vividly. "I know that - which is why James should have waited another five months or so before using magic outside school! I can't believe you would be so...so -"

"That must've been some knock you got, Evans," laughed Peter; "You can use magic outside of Hogwarts after your seventeenth birthday, not your eighteenth!"

Lily rolled her eyes. "No, you can't Pettigrew, I may have hit my head but I'm not dense," she pulled her legs beneath her on the bed and ticked the points off on her fingers, "You come of age at seventeen, but you can't use magic until your eighteenth birthday, the same time when you can learn to Apparate. Everyone knows that!"

"Are you sure you're alright?" James asked, just as everyone was pitched forwards and the bus came to a sudden stop.

"Hogsmeade," called an oily voice from the top of the bus.

"Finally," they said in unison.

===

After an awkward exchange of goodnights with Sirius, Remus and Peter, and a silent walk to the Heads' dormitory, Lily and James found themselves alone in their darkened common room. The dying fire in the grate served as the only source of light, its flames rose lazily, and faint shadows undulated across the walls.

James just wanted to go to bed. Once again, he felt like an idiot. He had come to the conclusion that this sense of stupidity would be a constant in his life from now on; even when he did the good thing, the right thing, he would still come out of the situation feeling like he had misjudged it completely. He glanced at Lily, who was standing motionless, her right hand resting on the back of the sofa in a familiar gesture. Her eyes were bright.

She had done this to him. Lily Evans made him feel like this all the time, made him feel like the biggest tosser for caring so bloody much and for always getting it wrong.

"James," said Lily all of a sudden, turning to him in the half-light. "I need - " Her face held a guarded look. "I need - "

It was as if a fist has suddenly closed around James's heart. It began squeezing, forcing out every drop of resentment and anger from his body. Say 'you', say 'YOU,' he begged silently, hardly daring to believe it.

Say you need to talk, to tell me everything. Say you need me. ME.

She bit her lip, and something shifted in her eyes, dulling them. "I need...my trunk," she finished in a hollow voice, directing her gaze to some point over his shoulder.

James shook his head in disbelief and flashed her a bitter smile in the dark. They both knew she had backed down.

"It'll be back here by tomorrow afternoon," he said without inflection. Trust me to do that much, he almost added.

Without another word to her, James marched off to his room, closing the door with a snap.

===

Despite the exhaustion pressing him into his bed, James Potter couldn't sleep. He just wanted to close his eyes and ignore everything for a while, push it away for tomorrow to deal with. Looking at the clock on his bedside table, he remembered that it already was tomorrow, and an unbearable sense of oppression enveloped him for a moment.

He needed to get away, he decided suddenly. He needed to be free of all the reminders of his weakness and his pride and his stupidity of these past months. He needed to go home. Not to run away. No, not like a scared little boy, he thought. But like a lost young man looking for some guidance, he needed a place to retreat to, if only for a few hours.

He reasoned that he could catch the Knight Bus to Surrey again tomorrow morning to pick up Lily's trunk and head off home for the rest of the day. He was sure his parents would be glad to see him, he hadn't been writing to them as often as they'd have liked, no doubt.

Something creaked outside his door and he was pulled from his thoughts of his mother's cooking as he peered blindly into the darkness.

Before he had even sat up, Lily Evans was there, in his room, her back against the wall. Even through his blurred vision james could see she was afraid.

"You can't go back to my house for my trunk. I can't let you do that," she whispered to him, her face paler that normal, her wide eyes searching his face. "I'll make up something to tell Dumbledore, I'll find another way. Just, please, don't go back." James suddenly realised that the fear in her eyes was for him, for his safety if her father should catch him.

Even though he was sure he didn't owe her anything, James couldn't help trying to reassure her.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine," he said, rubbing his face absent-midedly. He was trying to remember when he had last shaved. His hand strayed to his bare chest. "I have an invisibility cloak, I won't be seen."

Already too filled with self-loathing to consider why he felt the need to reveal that particular secret, James turned away from the door and lay back down in bed, waiting for her to leave.

But after a few moments he realised that Lily hadn't moved from her position by the door. She was watching him. The moonlight filtered through his closed eyelids and he listened for the sound of her breathing.

James's heart began to thud in his chest.

===

Lily's heart was pounding. She didn't know what she was doing here, but she couldn't find the will to move. She felt like she was going to be sick, an after-effect of her head injury, but also a result of the terror that gripped her more with every passing minute. Her fingers curled against the wall behind her, finding nothing to hold on to. Before she knew what was happening, Lily swallowed and felt her lips move.

"She ruined his shirt."

The words came out in a rush. Goosebumps rose on her arms as she saw James stiffen in his bed.

"She washed it with something dark - my school jumper, I think - and totally ruined my father's white shirt. I was in..." her brow furrowed and she looked away, struggling for the words she had never vocalized before; her knees shook, and she was glad James hadn't turned around, "...I was in Primary Two, I remember. I - I was six then," she blinked away the images in her mind, "the first time I saw him beat her."

"Lily, you don't - " James was twisted around in his bed toward her, an expression of horrified remorse on his haggard face.

She stepped into the pool of moonlight, her back still close to the wall, and she fixed her eyes on his. Lily vaguely wished she had changed her clothes, but pushed the thought away as James's brown eyes tenderly held hers.

"You told me to start at the beginning, James. You said that friends - that they tell each other about themselves, and I said that I'm not most people's friend." She tilted her head to the side with an air of confidence she did not feel, surveying him. He didn't even seem to be breathing as he sat tangled in his sheets, his black hair messier than ever, the moonlight reflecting off his chest and shoulders in a way that made Lily's heart skip.

Her gaze finally returned to meet his, and she found what she was looking for, but had never dared to hope for. Freed from his glasses, James's hazel eyes ached with compassion and patience. Lily drew in a shaky breath.

"But I am your friend, James Potter, and that's not going to change anytime soon."

In the ensuing silence, Lily fidgeted with the hem of her skirt. When she saw James shift uncomfortably out of the corner of her eye, she realised that he must be waiting for her to speak again.

"My mum -" she continued quietly, looking at the floor again. A reluctant smile graced her face, "Dear God, how I loved my mum. I look nothing like her, you know. I get my hair and eyes from my grandparents, apparently. But everyone always said that I had my mother's mouth." She bit her lip, embarrassed, then laughed quietly. Bitterly. "My dad still says it, in fact."

"Is your mum...um..." James's question trailed off.

Lily's eyes stung and blurred. "No, she's not dead." I wish she was, thought Lily. A moment later, she spoke her thought aloud, "But sometimes I wish she was."

James flinched at her words, and Lily regretted her honesty, doubt creeping back in. But something inside wouldn't let her stop, even though she felt guilty for burdening James with her dark thoughts, so she went on.

"She left us when I was twelve. Petunia was fourteen. My sister," she added, catching James's confused look. Lily slid down the wall, coming to rest on the floor with her legs curled up beneath her. She swallowed the lump in her throat, blinking the tears away. "At the time I couldn't understand why she had left us like that. Of course Daddy shouted at her a lot, of course he was scary and mean, I knew what the screams meant." She looked past James, lost in the memories of her childhood. "But she was still happy, she still smiled and laughed and made me toast with jam every morning, and I still helped Petunia with the shopping on the days when she couldn't leave the house. 'Bad hair day' she used to say."

"But when she left... I hated her." Lily spoke the venemously, slowly, enunciating every syllable.

"My dad never spoke of her, except to compare us to her when we misbehaved or talked back. Everything bad that happened was blamed on her- it was our misfortune to have had her as a mother. She left just before I started second year here. And no matter how much Petunia may have hated our mother for leaving, it was nothing to how she despised me." James made a noise low in his throat, the muscles in his neck strained.

"She blamed my magic for my mother leaving and everything that followed," Lily couldn't suppress a violent shudder. "Things got much, much worse the first year I was away at Hogwarts, and Petunia was left with no one. Then my mum left, and then I left - again -, and she was alone with my dad."

Lily met James's eyes, once more voicing thoughts that until this moment had been known only to her. "Now I realise, though, that my magic probably kept them together a year longer than they would have been otherwise. The shock of it all brought them closer for a time, I think. Everytime I would show them a new charm I had learned they would stop fighting and watch me, and - and smile at each other, in awe at my abilities." She smiled a child's smile at the bittersweet memories of that last Christmas together, the only one of her life when her father had hugged her mother as often as he had hit her.

Lily's face went cold, and she felt her lip curl. "But even though I came to understand my mother's reasons for leaving, even though I can now see past the happy memories to the truth - the truth of her depression, her loneliness, her isolation - even with all that, I still hate her."

She glared fiercely through the window at the moon. "I'll never forgive her for leaving us with him," she vowed. "No matter what she believed was best for us at the time, what she did is unforgiveable. And I hate her even more now that I understand what she did. Because now, I see that if only she'd been a little stronger, if only she'd fought a little harder, fought for us-" her voice cracked as the pressure in her heart built. She spoke louder, unable to control the volume of her caustic words,'- then Petunia wouldn't be the way she is, I wouldn't be the way I am - afraid of everything - if only she'd tried... I would be happy -" Lily gasped as the first sobs wracked her frame, years of hurt and broken dreams finally spilling out for the world to see. Immediately she found herself buried into the crook of James's neck, his searing skin being soaked with her tears.

His arms grasped her tighter than she'd ever been held before, and as she pulled back to look at him her nose trailed along his jaw, so close she was to him.

===

Her hot breath on his neck sent his stomach muscles into spasms and he barely suppressed a shiver as her nose dragged across his jaw. He could feel her lips, so near his throat just a moment before, now inches from his own.

"I would never - never abandon my child like that," she told him through her sobs, her arms linked weakly around his neck as she sought out his eyes, her own eyes burning with so much emotion he could barely meet her gaze, "I'd rather die!"

"Ssh, I know, I know, I believe you," he murmured pulling her back into him and speaking into her hair, minding the lump on her head that was surely throbbing. He did believe her, and it was this more than anything else she had said which made his eyes start to prickle uncomfortably as he continued to whisper words of comfort to her.

He was sure he could never hate himself enough for ogling her in this state, but he couldn't help it as perverted as it was. He tried not to notice how tightly she was pressed against his chest, how her hair smelled so bloody gorgeous, or how her barely there skirt had ridden even further up her thighs, he tried to focus his mind solely on comforting her, but his body had other ideas.

Her breathing hitched as he suddenly held himself away from her, bracing his hands against the wall behind her to create some distance between them. He tried to halt his heavy breathing,and Lily pulled back from him once again, her tear-streaked face questioning. His heart stopped as he thought he saw her eyes flickered downward, and he screwed his eyes shut, waiting for the cry of disgust before she pushed him away...

His stomach groaned. James opened his eyes as he suddenly acknowledged the pangs of hunger he must have been feeling all night. He was starving.

"You must be starving," Lily echoed his thoughts, her voice stuffy. She withdrew her arms from around him and wiped her face. "I'm so sorry, James. For everything. Thank -"

"Don't say it," he cut her off. He was relieved that he hadn't been caught in his leering, so glad this night hadn't ended with her hating him all over again.

He gently disengaged himself from her, and swiftly turned away to put on his glasses. After taking his time to pull a dirty t-shirt over his head, he turned back and helped her up from the floor. She sighed deeply, relief and calm rolling off her in waves. James's heart swelled at the sight.

"So," she spoke quietly, meeting his eyes, "Want to go to the kitchens for a midnight feast?" Her eyes strayed to the clock beside his bed. "Or should I say for breakfast?" she added ruefully.

James raised an appraising eyebrow, feigning shock. "Sneaking around the castle at night? I think there's a rule against that somewhere."

Lily smiled at his attempt to lighten the mood. " Well, seeing as I'm not even supposed to be here until tomorrow night, the kitchen is as good a place as any to hide out." She smirked, "Oh, and of course I'll have the Head Boy to keep me in line."

James's face lit up. "You're forgetting something," he said, retrieving his invisibility cloak from its box under his bed.

He registered the look of wonder on Lily's face as he draped the shimmery fabric around her before she vanished from sight.