Closing the Book

Closing the Book

First Year

Alone in his empty flat, Remus Lupin sat at the table with an old photo album in front of him. It was a rather large album, starting with a picture of a small, shy boy standing beside the Hogwarts Express for the very first time, and ending with a picture of the same boy seven years later, laughing in front of the castle with his friends.

Times had changed. He was no longer a schoolboy; he was nearing forty, and his smiles were rarer than they had once been.

He hadn't looked at the photos in this album for years. He had put it away fourteen years ago and not taken it out since. But now... now it was time. Now that the last of his friends was gone and he felt like there was nothing left, he needed the memories. They would help him survive; the shadows of his youth that dwelled in the pictures. For a few hours, at least, he could lose himself in the pages and not have to think about reality. It would be painful; that he knew. He had thought it out carefully. It had been a month now since Sirius had died, and the album had been at the back of his mind ever since. Only tonight had he been able to take it out of the cardboard box under his bed and face what was within. The memories themselves were happy--most of them, anyway--but they would be bitter now. A bitterness that he wasn't sure he wanted to taste, but knew he had to.
Taking a deep breath, Remus turned the page, starting the journey. There was the castle as he had first seen it, glittering in the night as he crossed the still waters of the lake in a little boat. He had shared the boat with two other boys and a girl. He had long since forgotten the girl's name, but the other two...

* * *

"I'm James," the boy with messy black hair proclaimed, "James Potter."

"Sirius Black," the second one said.

"You'll be in Slytherin then," James decided.

Sirius glared. "I will not."

"Don't be ridiculous. All the Black family have been in Slytherin."

"I hate my family."

James looked shocked. "So, what house do you want to be in? I'll be in Gryffindor, all my family has been."

Sirius didn't answer, so James turned to Remus. "What's your name? Sorry to have ignored you."

"Remus Lupin," he answered quietly. "I think... I might get into Ravenclaw. I like studying."

"Cor!" James looked shocked again. "You like studying? I mean, I'll do it if it's to learn something interesting, but liking it is a different story."

* * *

Remus smiled. James hadn't changed his opinion on studying for the rest of his days. He turned the page again, and saw the Gryffindor boys' dormitory. He had, in the end, been sorted into Gryffindor, along with James, Sirius, and another boy called Peter Pettigrew.

* * *

"You really are an oddball of a Black," James said to Sirius.

"Stop making such a big deal out of it, Potter. I just don't find the Dark Arts and torture all that appealing."

"What'll your family say about your being in Gryffindor? I know if I'd been put in Slytherin mine would disown me."

"I expect my mother will send me a Howler, write a threatening note to the Headmaster, and when that doesn't change anything she'll throw a fit and... well, disown me. She always said I must have been switched at birth or something, that I wasn't a true Black, and--" Sirius stopped abruptly, realising he'd said too much. James seemed to realise the same thing, and stopped asking questions.

Sirius turned to Remus. "What will your parents say?"

Remus shrugged uncomfortably. "I expect they'll be happy, just knowing I got in. They didn't think... Never mind."

"Are you a squib?" James asked curiously.

"No," Remus said, and that was that.

* * *

That had been a wonderful night, Remus reflected. After the feast, the four new Gryffindor boys had stayed up until dawn, just talking. Well, to be honest, James had done nearly all of the talking, but by the time the sun was up the boys were friends. Sirius's family had been forgotten, Peter had managed to get a word in edgewise and introduce himself, and Remus had pleasantly forgotten the reason why his parents had thought he wouldn't be able to attend Hogwarts. The next picture brought that memory back: the Whomping Willow in the middle of the grounds.

* * *

He was scared in the black tunnel. He would be alone in the change for the first time. His parents had always been there before. Behind the door, yes, but there, whispering words of encouragement. The house was as dark and lonesome as the tunnel. He was in a prison of torment that he couldn't stop, and the moon would rise soon. His nose itched, always the first time. He huddled in a corner, wishing the change was something he could fight, rather than a part of himself. He was losing control of his body, writhing on the floor, his mind going slowly wild.

When he woke up he was in the Hospital Wing with Sirius leaning over him. "What's up, mate?"

Remus groaned.

"We were worried about you last night when you didn't come to bed."

"I felt ill. Shouldn't you be in class?"

Sirius grinned. "I'm skiving. Oh, don't look at me like that, it's only History of Magic. Besides, I've got Dumbledore's permission."

Remus smiled in spite of himself.

"I brought you some chocolate," Sirius said brightly. "But I ate it while I was waiting for you to wake up."

That made Remus laugh. "You are absolutely mad, Sirius Black."

"Why thank you."

* * *

Remus turned the page again. This time he saw the first Quidditch game of the year, Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. James and Sirius had gone all-out, staying up all night searching for a spell to temporarily colour their hair. Remus had just watched, not wanted to give himself scarlet hair, but Sirius had dragged him into it.

* * *

"Come on mate, it'll all be gone in two hours."

"I'll look ridiculous."

"No you won't. Don't you want to support Gryffindor?"

"Of course I do; I just don't see why I have to colour my hair to do so."

"Where's your sense of fun?"

"He doesn't have one," James said seriously. "He likes studying, remember?"

Remus threw a book at him.

"Ow!" James exclaimed as it hit him in the head.

"James, how are you ever going to be Seeker if you can't even catch a book thrown at your head?" Sirius demanded.

"I didn't know he was going to throw it at me."

Sirius rolled his eyes at Remus. "Well, if you're certain you don't want scarlet hair-"

"I'm quite certain."

"All right then, you get the hat."

"What hat?" Remus asked suspiciously.

James and Sirius exchanged a look of evil glee. "The hat."

With a flourish, James produced a two foot tall scarlet and gold striped hat, complete with little gold bells that rang every time it moved, from his bookbag.

"Colour my hair," Remus said immediately.

* * *

Remus took one last look at the hat, which had ended up on Peter's head, and turned another page. There were more pictures of the Quidditch match; it had been the first time he'd seen a match and he'd been fascinated. He flipped through those, and reached a series of photos taken by the statue of the hump-backed witch. He remembered quite clearly the day James and Sirius had first discovered the secret tunnel to Honeydukes' cellar.

* * *

"First years aren't allowed," Remus said nervously.

"Who gives a rat's ass?" James asked, his eyes bright with excitement. "We're nearly second years, anyway."

"James, it's January. We have five months before we're done with first year," Remus pointed out.

"Spoilsport," James pouted. "Come on, it'll be fun. I'll buy you that book you've been wanting if you come. What's it called? A History of Hogwarts?"

"Hogwarts, A History," Sirius corrected.

"It's in the library," Remus said. "It's just checked out at the moment."

"Yes, but if you have your own copy you can read it so many times you'll have it memorised, the way you like to." James looked almost forlorn. "You know you want to."

"All right," Remus gave in. "But not too often, or we'll get caught."

James and Sirius hugged him ecstatically and set off down the tunnel skipping and singing "For He's a Jolly Good Remus" at the top of their tone-deaf lungs, with Remus and Peter following behind.

* * *

The next few pictures had been taken in Hogsmeade. James and Sirius chugging Butterbeer, James lost in wonder at the amount of sugar in Honeydukes, Sirius throwing a snowball that hit the camera and then ricocheted off Peter's head... All happy times. And yet Remus found unwanted tears in his eyes. He wiped his hand over them before they could fall, wishing he could control his emotions. He stood up to make a cup of tea, needing a break from the memories, but it didn't work. Even tea brought things to mind.

* * *

"What do you mean, you don't like tea?" James demanded. "How can you call yourself English and not like tea?"

"I... I don't know," Peter stammered.

"Remus, support me here."

"It's not that big a deal."

"Yes it is" He doesn't like tea" That's... that's..." He seemed to be at a loss for words.

"Inconceivable?" Sirius suggested.

"Yes! And it's just plain wrong. You have to like tea, Peter. I'm going to make you like it or die trying."

* * *

James had spent the rest of first year trying to get Peter to like tea, without success. By second year he had forgotten the whole thing, and the subject wasn't brought up again until seventh year, when Peter poured himself a cup of tea for breakfast.

* * *

James didn't notice at first, though Remus and Sirius exchanged looks almost immediately.

"Would you like some sugar for your tea, Peter?" Sirius asked, unnecessarily stressing the word 'tea.'

"No thank you, I prefer honey." He sipped delicately at the tea, then set it down and reached for the honey.

"Tea not sweet enough, eh?" Sirius said, doing his best not to laugh. "I prefer it black myself; like a proper Englishman. How about you, Moony?"

"Just a bit of sugar."

"Eh, you always were the sweet type. Goes with your personality."

James's head popped up from his cereal bowl. "Hang on a second--Wormtail's drinking tea?"

Sirius burst into laughter, loud and contagious, and Remus couldn't help but join it. Eventually even James started laughing, but they had to explain the whole thing to Peter, who had long since forgotten the tea episode in first year.

* * *

Remus drank the tea slowly, dwelling on laughter. When it was gone, he washed out the cup and returned to the table, forcing himself to turn another page in the photo album. There it was; the picture of the four friends together at the end of the year. Lily had taken it, the pretty, feisty redhead more mature than her years; the Muggle-born who competed with James in every class and beat him in Charms, to James's infinite frustration. The girl who had eventually taken James's heart. Remembering Lily made Remus smile. James had been infatuated with her from the moment his hormones awoke.

* * *

"That Lily Evans," James said slyly, sitting in his chair by the Common Room fire, "she's pretty. And er... smart."

"She hates you," Sirius reminded him. "Yesterday she called you an uppity show-off."

"And the day before that a pompous jerk," Remus added.

"She called me a nasty fluff-brained snob once too," James said thoughtfully. "Isn't she amazing? She comes up with a different insult every day."

"James," Sirius said. "She hates you, and thus it is pointless to even think about liking her, because you'll only be disappointed."

* * *

Disappointed... It occurred to Remus that he had been disappointed his entire life. There had always been something missing, though he never knew exactly what. He had always put it down to being a werewolf, but somehow that didn't seem quite right. He turned the page to escape thinking about it.

The next picture showed Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus on the train, a pile of sweets and pastries in front of them waiting to be eaten. James had bought them, he remembered, and Peter had eaten most of them.

* * *

"So," said Sirius when the last edible Bertie Bott's Every Flavor bean had been eaten, "the year's over."

"We survived without too many detentions," James said. "And I passed Potions."

"Only because Remus helped you," Sirius reminded him.

"And I didn't have any detentions, remember?" Remus put in.

"Yes, you're the good boy. You'll probably be a prefect, and then you'll become a teacher."

* * *

James had turned out to be surprisingly right, Remus thought. Of course, he'd only been a teacher for one year, but it was his dream. To be around children, watching them grow, watching their friendships develop... that was what he wanted in life. Children were magical in ways he never saw in adults. They had such a positive outlook on life. Remus wished he had the same ability, but he'd lost it long ago. He'd lost it along with his friends.

Second Year

The next picture was one James had taken of Lily in the beginning of second year. She was hugging her parents good-bye on the platform, tears in her eyes, but smiling. She really was quite pretty, he had to agree. She had also been the only girl in Gryffindor who yelled at people for calling her pretty. Remus turned the page and found a picture of the horseless carriages.

* * *

"Horseless carriages!" James yelled. "Wicked!"

James was never quiet. He always wanted everyone to hear him. Sometimes Remus wished he'd shut his face, but mostly he didn't mind. That was just James. He was a package deal, and if you didn't want the noise you didn't get the James.

"They're not horseless," Peter said, raising his eyebrows at James.

"Well, I don't see anything pulling them," James said matter-of-factly. "Do you, Sirius?"

Sirius shook his head.

"Remus?"

"No."

James patted Peter on the back. "Sorry mate, you must be hallucinating."

"Bollocks," said Peter, "you're pulling my leg."

"There's nothing there!"

"Yes, there is. Look, right there, the black thing with the funky wings." Peter pointed at the empty space in front of the carriage. "Can't you see it?"

"It's called a thestral," said an annoyed voice behind them. They turned around.

"Lily!" James said, but she had already left.

"What's a thestral?" Peter asked.

"We can look it up in the library," Remus said. "Come on, let's get in."

"So, how many detentions do you think we'll get this year?" James asked as they climbed into the carriage.

"I reckon at least twenty," Sirius said.

"Why don't you two try not getting detentions for once?" Remus suggested.

"Nah, no fun," James said, and Sirius nodded fervently.

* * *

Fun, Remus reflected, was what they had lived for. It was the meaning of life. He had loosened up a little in second year; studied a little less, participated more willingly in James' and Sirius's escapades, and even lost Gryffindor five points when he was caught with a sugar quill in Potions. He laughed at the picture of James trying to hide the Butterbeer in his bag from Professor McGonagall after a forbidden afternoon in Hogsmeade, and the series showing James's failed attempt at Quidditch try-outs.

* * *

"Do you think he'll make it?" Remus asked Sirius as they settled in the stands to watch the try-outs.

Sirius glanced at the field, where James stood with his broomstick looking small, the lone second year. "He doesn't stand a chance. Will Richards is really good."

"So is James," Remus said. "Or at least, he says he is."

Sirius laughed. "That's just James. You know how big his ego is."

"Yeah," Remus agreed. "But we'll cheer for him anyway, right?"

"Of course. He'll need it when he fails miserably."

* * *

So they had cheered, and James had made a complete fool of himself, and afterward they had offered their condolences. Luckily James hadn't been the type to dwell on his failure; he had just practised even harder. Remus turned another page, not realizing that it was nearly midnight and he'd been looking at the photo album for over an hour. He found a picture of James studying, such a rare occurrence that he had needed to take a picture. James was in the Common Room, totally engrossed in the huge book sitting on the table in front of him, apparently quite unaware that Peter was snoring beside him. Of course, only later had Remus realised that James had in fact been studying a book of useless hexes so he could make Snape's nose put Pinocchio's to shame. That was James. Remus had never quite figured out how James managed to not study at all and still be top of the class, but he'd had a gift for it. Sirius had too. Remus had spent three years trying to convince them that studying was important before finally giving up and admitting that the two of them obviously didn't need it. He turned another page.

There was Lily, wearing her usual expression around James: a disapproving glare. If ever there had been confirmation of the 'fiery redhead' stereotype, Lily had been it. A lot of Remus's favourite memories had to do with Lily torturing James.

* * *

"Potter, why are you taking a picture of me?"

"Because you're pretty."

A group of girls sitting by the fire began giggling. James glared at them. He hated giggling girls almost as much as Lily hated him.

Lily tsked. "You are so annoying. Don't you have anything better to do?"

"No. I'm out of Dungbombs."

Sirius stuffed a fist in his mouth to stop laughing.

"Way to a girl's heart, that," Peter whispered, "talking about Dungbombs."

"He is rather hopeless, isn't he?" Remus commented.

"James Potter, girl magnet," Peter said.

"Only he's going at them with the wrong end," Sirius added.

The three of them burst out laughing, and James glared.

* * *

Shortly after Christmas that year, Remus had started studying for finals. The next picture showed him curled up in an armchair with a book, with James and Sirius hexing each other behind him.

* * *

"Tarantallegra!" James yelled.

"Would you two stop it?" Remus said irritably. "I'm trying to study."

"Aw, come off it, we're just having fun. Exams are ages away. Besides, you have to be able to do the magic, not just write about it."

"Professor Almann is not going to ask you to hex Sirius on the exam."

James stuck out his tongue and turned back to Sirius. "Furnunculus!"

* * *

How typical of James. Remus hadn't noticed back then how annoying his friends could be, but he could see it now. As a schoolboy he had seen them only as his friends, the ones who would stick by him through thick and thin, always there. That was what had mattered. And yet they had been immovable gits as well, both of them more smart, talented, and good-looking than they deserved. It made them over-confident. They had owned the world back then, and everyone had to conform to their wishes. Unless of course you happened to be older than them.

* * *

Remus frowned at the hexing duo and returned to his book, trying to concentrate and ignore James saying things like: "Cor, how'd I do that? Remus, look, Sirius has got two noses!" Just when he was about to give up and retreat to the dormitory, a seventh year set down his Advanced Healing Potions book and stood up.

"Potter and Black, if you two don't stop that right now I'll get McGonagall. Some people are trying to study here."

And that was the end of that. Even James and Sirius occasionally followed the rules.

* * *

Remus glanced at the clock. It was past midnight, but he didn't feel tired. No more than usual, anyway. He always felt tired now. He had to remind himself every morning now why he still bothered to get out of bed. Sometimes it was hard to remember, but it always came: Sirius wouldn't want him to give up. Sirius had never given up, and neither had James. Neither had Harry, whose life was about equally as miserable as Remus's. Besides, someday Harry might want to know more about his parents and Sirius, and who else was there to tell him? Remus had more than enough memories to share.

The picture of the Marauders at the end of second year had again been taken by Lily, though it ad taken them a good deal of pleading to get her to do it.

* * *

"I'll give you a kiss if you'll take it," James offered.

"If you ever kiss me James Potter, I'll hex you so bad your lips will fall off," Lily replied, looking revolted.

"Come on, Evans! Please?"

"Oh, you know that word, do you? You really ought to use it more often."

"You're impossible!"

"And you're a--You ought to be in Slytherin!"

James's mouth dropped open and he made several incoherent noises.

"We know you hate us, Evans," Peter said, "but can't you set that aside for a minute and take a picture?"

Lily's face twisted.

"You're the best photographer at Hogwarts," Remus said, holding out the camera.

Lily took it. "Just don't expect me to do it next year as well. I'll probably hate you even more by then."

* * *

James looked shocked and indignant in the picture, Sirius and Peter were laughing, and Remus looked thoughtful. He had been wondering if it was possible for her to hate them more. He yawned and wondered if he should go to bed. He had five years of memories to go; at this rate he'd be up all night. But somehow it felt wrong to stop now, so he turned the page.