Why You Should Never Eat Too Many Peppermint Toads Before Going to Bed

On May 2, 1976, James Potter learned two valuable lessons. One was to never eat too many Peppermint Toads before going to bed.

* * * *

Sunlight was pouring through the curtained windows, casting a warm glow throughout the dorm room James shared with his best friend, Sirius Black, and his friends Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. He felt sleepy and lazy and wanted badly to stay in bed, but he figured he should get up. Somewhere in this castle, Severus Snape was going unmolested, and that just wouldn't do at all. Not at all.

His friends weren't in their beds, so James decided they must have gone down to breakfast already. He cursed himself for waking up so late and cursed them for not waking him. He bounded out onto the landing of the Gryffindor boys' dorms and down the narrow staircase.

"Sirius?" he said as he came around the corner. And he stopped cold at what he saw.

Sirius had his arms around Remus's waist and was kissing him, on the lips, right there in the common room. He broke free as James entered and looked at him. "Oh, hello, James," he said casually. "You're up late."

James shook his head in an effort to clear it. "You...you were kissing Remus!" he sputtered. "I thought I told you not to do that where I could see you!"

Remus hooked an arm around his boyfriend and grinned. "Aw, the little breeder is offended!" He looked at James. "He's just jealous!"

"I'm not jealous, you git. It's just...sick," James retorted.

Sirius laughed. "He's...he's..."

"He's offended by us," Remus finished for him, chuckling. He walked over to James and ruffled his hair. "You've got it backwards, dear," he said. "If anything, we should be offended by you."

James smirked. "I think you've forgotten: I'm straight. You're...you're gay." He made a face. "I'm in the majority here. I'm the normal one."

Remus held his hand up in front of James's face. "How many fingers am I holding up?" he asked.

James looked at the lone finger that hovered in the air before him and chuckled. "You're very funny," he said. But something about this didn't feel right.

"Prongs seems very confused this morning," the young werewolf pointed out, perhaps unnecessarily. "Maybe he slept on his wand again?"

Sirius sighed. "Oh brother, not again. Although at least this time, he still has two eyebrows." He thought for a second and looked at James. "OK, let me see if I can help you out, buddy. It's a Saturday. The sun is shining. I'm fairly certain Snivellus has once again failed to wash his hair. And we're going down to breakfast. Everyone else has already gone," he said, looking around wearily. "We would have gone sooner if Remus could keep his paws to himself for five minutes." He turned to James. "And our resident heterosexual slept in once again and will miss breakfast if he doesn't come down to eat with us."

"Resident heterosexual?" James sputtered. "What do you mean? Of course I'm straight!"

"Do you really want to say that so loudly?" Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged. "Everyone already knows," he said, a worried look on his face. "I think we'd better take him to Madam Pomfrey."

Sirius laughed. "Maybe she can 'straighten' him out."

James blinked. "This has to be the weirdest prank you two have ever pulled," he said.

"No, it's much too early in the day for pranking," Sirius said. "Not until I've had some juice or something."

"Are you coming to breakfast?" Remus asked James, exasperated. "Because we are. Right now. You have three seconds to decide."

James shrugged. I suppose I ought to. Maybe I just need some food, and everything will make sense. "OK, I'll come," he said.

"Well, get dressed," suggested Sirius, eyeing James's striped pajamas with distaste.

***

But his confusion only worsened when he entered the Great Hall. Something was very...wrong, but it was hard to put a finger on exactly what it was. The girls sat together at one end of the tables, the boys sat at the other. Snape sat alone, and the teachers sat up front. The food smelled good. All of this was normal. Then he spotted it. Jacqueline, a second-year Gryffindor, leaned over and gave her friend, Meg, a quick peck on the cheek, causing her to blush. I didn't see that. I'm sure it was just a friendly gesture. Just like it's a friendly gesture for her to put her hand on that girl's...He shook his head yet again.

"I need food," he muttered, sitting down on the bench and trying his best to ignore the way Lily eyed the girl across from her.

Sirius grinned and sat down. "Well, you've come to the right place," he said, gesturing towards the plates.

Peter, who had been talking to a boy a year older than himself, turned to look at his friends. "Where have you been? And why does James look so pale?" Remus made a gesture with his finger to signal that James was crazy, and Peter smiled. "Well, I'd figured that out. But he looks nuttier than usual."

"If anyone's crazy here, it's you people," James said, grabbing a muffin.

The other boys looked at each other for a moment, and then they all burst out laughing. "Well," Sirius said, "I have to admit I'm a little...eccentric? Fun-loving. It could be seen as insanity, maybe, to a perfectly sane mind. But I'm not sure that's what you've got knocking around in that skull of yours, Potter."

Remus smiled. "Oh, please, can we change the subject already? I'm don't want to spend the morning playing psychiatrist." The other boys raised their eyebrows quizzically. "It's a muggle job. They try to figure out what's going on in people's heads and fix it," he explained.

"I'm not going to ask how you know that," Peter said. "Oh wait, that's right. You won't keep your nose out of your Muggle Studies textbooks for 10 full seconds."

James smiled. Well, maybe this was a bit more normal. Maybe I've just imagined everything up to this point. "OK, what are we going to do today?" he asked. He glanced over at Snape and grinned mischievously.

Sirius spat out his orange juice. "What was that look you just gave Snape?" he exclaimed.

"Nothing! I was just thinking we could prank him."

"Whew. For a moment, I thought you were hot for the git," he said, chuckling. "Although at least you'd be partially on the right track."

James made a face. "Me and Snivellus?" He laughed. "I have better taste than that!"

Peter snickered into his scrambled eggs. "Yeah. Lily."

All four boys turned to look at him--two were amused. The third was not. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" James said.

"Please, can we just stop this silliness?" Remus asked. "I thought maybe we could go down to the lake and--"

James raised his hand to quiet him and gave him a nasty look. "I just want to know what Peter meant," he said.

Peter grinned. "What do you think I meant? You like Lily," he said. "You want to..." He stopped and made a face. "I don't even want to know."

"I want to what?" James cried.

Sirius put his hand over James's and gave him a stern look. "You know what he means, James. You want to...do things with her. Unthinkable things, at least to us, James. I realize to you those things are jolly good fun, but look, mate, we just don't get it."

"Don't get what? You don't understand why I like her? Well, I can understand why you wouldn't, Sirius. Or Remus. But Peter?"

Peter shook his head. "Nope."

James stood up, his eyes wide. "Don't tell me you're a bloody shirt-lifter, too," he growled. "What, did they convert you?" he asked, pointing at Remus and Sirius.

"I'm a what?" Peter asked.

"You heard me. A shirt-lifter. A poof. A queer."

His friends looked at him in stunned silence. "Do you have any idea what he means, Moony?" Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head. "No. But I can see a hearty breakfast didn't sort him out at all. Let's pin our hopes on a dose of fresh air," he suggested.

* * * *

"I just want someone to explain what's going on here," James was saying as they walked down to the lake. "You're saying all three of you are gay?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You've known this since we were what, nine years old? When I had my first crush?" He wistfully recalled those innocent days, days he'd spent chasing a little blond kid around the playground in the hopes of getting a kiss.

James sputtered. "Try two days ago!"

"I can't take this anymore," Remus said. "I really can't." He stopped and faced James, putting his hands on his shoulders. "The way I see it, one of two things is going on here. Either you've been pulling our legs all morning, or something's wrong with you. Maybe someone slipped you a potion or something? Hexed you?"

Sirius cheered. "Eureka! I do believe he's got it! It has to be some sort of spell or potion, that's the only explanation. I don't think even James would carry on a joke this long or be able to pull it off so well."

James glared at him. "I could," he protested. "But I'm not. Not this time. Where's the fun in this? You're laughing at me, not the other way around."

"He has a point," muttered Peter.

"Remus may be on to something with his magic theory," James admitted. "Although I don't remember anything happening. But I have another theory, too. You are playing a joke on me." He saw two girls walk past holding hands and smiling at each other. "And somehow, you got the whole school in on it..." He trailed off, watching a pair of boys kissing under a tree.

Sirius smiled. "Someone played a joke on you," he said. "Really, the only question we should be asking here is who?"

"Snivellus," all three boys said at once.

James frowned. "But how? I haven't eaten or drunk anything he's given me! I never would."

"Maybe those Peppermint Toads?" Remus suggested.

"But we ate some, too," Sirius pointed out. "And we're fine."

The four boys had reached the edge of the lake. They sat down on the grass and stretched out, and James hoped he had merely imagined the way Peter had looked at him as he sat down. "So fill me in, at least. What have I somehow forgotten?" James asked. "I know who you all are, so it can't be an obliviating spell, can it?"

Sirius shook his head. "I'm no expert on obliviating spells, so I can't help you there. But catching you up? That I can do. Let's see, where to begin..." He pondered. "I'm Sirius Black," he began, extending his hand and grinning.

"I know that, you idiot," James said.

"And this is Peter and Remus," Sirius continued. "But OK, we're clear on that, right? What else? The year is 1976. We're at Hogwarts. Snivellus is a slimy git. With me so far?"

"I know all this!" James said.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Why don't we just start with what you don't know? That seems pretty clear. The way you reacted to Sirius and I kissing, the way you reacted to Peter...Well, that's a bit more understandable, maybe."

"I know you two are dating," James said, looking out over the lake. A familiar redhead was embracing a pretty brunette, and he felt his face get hot. "What I want to know is why is Lily kissing that girl?"

"I can field that one," Sirius said. "Because they're dating."

"Since when?" James nearly shouted.

Sirius shrugged. "A couple months, I think?"

"But that makes no sense," James protested.

"Well, I'll agree she could do better, yes," said Sirius, watching the two girls. "But I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say it makes no sense, exactly."

Suddenly, James couldn't take it anymore. Something had to be done.

"Where are you going?" Peter asked as James jumped to his feet and walked off around the lake's edge to meet Lily.

The three boys looked at each other, suddenly worried. "Oh, this isn't going to go well," Remus commented, and they all turned to watch.

"Lily, my dear," James began, trying to avoid looking at the lipstick marks on the girl's neck as she turned to look at him. "The world seems to have gone crazy today. But despite what everyone thinks, I am not crazy." He paused. "No, that's not true. I'm crazy. I'm crazy for you. Be my woman."

Lily stared at him in shock for a moment, and then she burst out laughing. "With you?" she asked. "Sorry, James, I don't swing that way."

James froze. "And when did this happen?"

"I imagine with my birth, James," she replied. "I've always liked girls. Have you ever seen me date boys? I've never even been curious!"

"But..."

"Nope."

"But..."

Lily sighed. "I'm flattered that you like me, James, I am. But I can't date you. I don't like boys that way." She threw her arm around the girl beside her and laughed. "But if you ever have a sex change, owl me!"

Her girlfriend giggled. "He's already a girl, Lily," she pointed out. "What he needs is a bit of loving from one of his friends. I hear Sirius is an animal in bed."

"What?" James cried. "Eww, no!"

The girl shrugged. "Oh well. But you're barking up a very lesbian tree here, Potter. You might want to have a go at Eleanor. Everyone says she likes boys."

James looked out across the lake. Peter was lying on his back, soaking up the sun and trying to ignore Remus and Sirius, who were pawing each other. Pairs of girls walked past them, as did pairs of boys. James swallowed hard as the truth of the situation registered in his brain: Everyone was gay. Except him.

* * * *

Monday came much too quickly, in James's opinion, and it was a particularly bleak and rainy one, in everyone's opinion. He hoped that a slate of difficult classes would keep his mind off...well, whatever was going on.

He walked into History of Magic class and took a seat next to Remus, who was making silly faces at Sirius. "How are things?" Sirius asked him. "Remembered what's going on yet?"

James sighed. "No, I still think someone's hexed me. Merlin, this is all like some bad dream, but I can't wake up."

Sirius pinched his arm. "Nope, you're still here." He pinched him again, even harder, and laughed. "Hee hee, this is fun!"

"Ow, stop it, you git," James muttered, rubbing his arm.

"Wait a minute," Remus said, suddenly lowering his voice as Professor Binns floated in. "If everything here is wrong to you, tell us what you think things should be like."

James sighed. "Most people are straight, that's how things are in my world. Of course, there are a few people who aren't. You two aren't, even in the real world where I come from."

Sirius grinned. "Well, that's good to know, at least. I'd hate to think of Remus snogging a girl." He chuckled as he pondered it, and then he turned to his boyfriend with a grin. "Remus, isn't this sweet? We're still gay, even in James's parallel universe. I like that. It just proves what I was saying the other day, Moony."

"What was that?" Remus whispered back.

"That we're meant for each other, silly," he reminded him. Then he looked at James. "I asked him to marry me. I don't think he took it very well."

James coughed, attracting the professor's attention for a second. But Binns was even further distracted when the door flew open and a pretty blond Ravenclaw girl burst in.

"Sorry I'm late," she gasped. "Peeves was--"

"Sit down, Miss..." Binns paused. The names of the living were not something he felt like dedicating neurological real estate to. "Sit down. There's an empty seat over there by...that boy." He gestured towards James and returned his attention to the textbook he'd been reading out of.

The girl looked at James and frowned. "Oh, I can't sit next to him, Professor," she said. "He might try to..." She pondered it and made a face. "It's just disgusting," she spat at James. She spotted a Ravenclaw boy seated near her. "Ian, you sit next to him. He's not going to try anything with you."

"OK, OK," groaned Ian. "Whatever." He picked up his books and quill and took the seat next to James, and the girl sat in his now vacated seat. Ian glanced at James as he settled in. "Honestly, those girls...the way they treat straight guys is just appalling sometimes," he whispered.

What is this? James thought. A sympathetic ear? "Are you straight?" he whispered back.

The boy chuckled. "No, I'm bi. But, you know, don't tell anyone. If my boyfriend knew I'd snogged girls..."

Professor Binns cleared his throat, looking at the boys, and they fell silent.

* * * *

"What did she think I was going to do to her, anyway?" James asked as he walked to dinner with Sirius, Remus, and Peter. "I'm hardly going to rape her in the middle of class. She's not even that pretty, anyway."

"I thought she was pretty," Peter replied. "She's very popular with the ladies, you know."

James shuddered. "Well, she's attractive, OK. But not as pretty as--" He broke off as Lily Evans walked past, giggling with her girlfriend.

"Let it go," Remus muttered. "Unless you're willing to get a sex change, you're just not her type."

Sirius laughed. "I don't know. I heard a rumor, actually..."

"A rumor? What rumor?" James asked. Could there be a ray of hope?

"Don't go telling stories, Sirius," Remus scolded him. "I heard the same thing, and it isn't true. At least, she told me it isn't true."

Sirius stuck out his tongue at Remus. "As I was saying, I heard a rumor that she's experimented. But then so many people have, and it doesn't mean anything. We're all cooped up here together like this. Things happen."

"I'm sorry, are you saying you've experimented, Sirius?" Remus asked, his eyes wide.

"Don't be daft. I don't like girls," Sirius said. But James noticed that his cheeks were slightly pink. "Anyway, all I know is I heard a rumor. But this is Lily we're talking about. She's not that sort of girl. You can just tell. She was brought up in a very moral home environment, you know. She's not going to mess around with boys, and she's going to save herself for marriage. Heck, she doesn't even drink."

James cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but my parents took me to church every Sunday. And in fact," he said, warming up to a subject he knew he shouldn't bring up, "As I recall, our pastor regularly spoke out about the evils of homosexuality. Look what God did to the Sodomites, for example."

His friends laughed. And laughed. And laughed. "Oh, that's rich! It's a sin to be gay?" Peter cried. "I don't know much about religions, but you really seem to have found a strange one there, James."

"Ah, but remember, Peter, he's from some backwards world, apparently. Some horrific place where men and women marry each other and all the houses are poorly decorated. Who knows how they treat gay people there? Not very well, by the sound of it. We're the sick people there. It's unnatural for me to blow you, Remus, in James's funny little world."

Remus grinned. "Well, the way you do it, it's pretty unnatural here, too."

Sirius punched him in the arm. "Well, it was the way I was taught, dear. And I don't see you complaining."

James was suddenly struck by a thought. "Tell me, if everyone's in this world is really gay, how do you reproduce?"

But James never got his answer, unfortunately. Remus, Sirius, and Peter didn't stop laughing for over an hour.

* * * *

Tap tap tap!

Madam Pomfrey glanced up. "Ah, Potter," she said. "What can I do for you?"

James slunk in, his cheeks red, although he wasn't sure why he was embarrassed exactly. "Um, is there any way to tell if someone's gone crazy? Or if someone's cast a spell on them? Or slipped them a potion?"

She rubbed her hands together in thought. "Well, there are plenty of ways, Mr. Potter. Although Professors McGonagall and Snape would be better choices if you want to know about a spell or potion."

He sat down gingerly on the edge of one of the beds. "Can't you do it?"

"Well, I can help. Up to a point. What's bothering you?"

"Well see...this isn't my world."

She stared at him. "It's not...your world? Explain."

"I woke up Saturday morning, and everything was the same, except it was backwards. Everyone is gay, Madam Pomfrey."

She chuckled. "I know that. But I'm afraid I don't understand the problem."

He sighed. "When I went to bed, everyone was straight."

Madam Pomfrey sat down on the bed next to him and touched his forehead. "You don't have a fever. Are you sure it wasn't a dream?"

"I'm sure! My whole life, most people have been straight. Men and women marry. Boys and girls date. I mean, it's normal." Madam Pomfrey began testing him as he spoke, checking his vital signs, casting simple spells, and feeding him potions. "There have always been gay people, yes. But they're in the minority! They're not nor--aaauuggh, what was that stuff? Merlin's beard! Anyway, it's not normal to be gay. It's wrong. It's a sin or something. I admit I've never really understood that bit. But either way, it's abnormal. And then I wake up one morning, and suddenly the whole world's gone pansy on me. Everyone's a bloody poof!" He winced as Madam Pomfrey plucked out a few hairs and dropped them in a vial. "What are you doing?"

She grinned. "Just checking...so far, I haven't detected anything, Mr. Potter. You seem OK. But still, this straight world...it worries me."

"So there's nothing? I'm normal?"

"Well, I admit I haven't examined you fully," she said, winking. He backed away a couple inches, and she chuckled. "But no, I can't find a thing. Tell me, did you eat or drink anything before you went to bed?"

He frowned. "Well, I ate some Peppermint Toads."

Madam Pomfrey's eyes widened. "Really? How many?"

"Well...quite a bit, I suppose...but Remus and Sirius ate some, and they're OK."

"Well, my dear boy, that's your problem. Merlin knows you can only eat so many of those things before it messes you up. They've got a bit of magic in them, you know. All those frogs hopping around in your stomach? That can't be good for anybody."

James smiled. "So I'm going to be OK? I wasn't hexed?"

"In a while, yes. It'll clear up on its own. But for Merlin's sake, boy, watch what you eat and drink in the future. You're not muggle-born; you should know better than that. Honestly, child, you had me worried for a minute."

"So one day, I'll be back in my world? Everyone will be straight again?"

Madam Pomfrey frowned. "Well, no, James. You'll still be here."

"And will I be...gay? When this stuff wears off?"

"As gay as you are now, my boy," she said, patting him on the head. Then she noticed the look on his face. "Oh. Oh, I see..." She got up from the bed and walked over to a shelf. "Let's see, where is it...ah! Yes! Bending Potion. This'll fix you up."

James wasn't sure he liked the look on Madam Pomfrey's face as she turned around. He got up and began to make his way to the door. "No, thanks. I don't need any more potions, thanks..."

"But Mr. Potter, this will help! It won't cure you, but as long as you keep drinking it, you'll like boys. Just a couple spoonfuls a day, and you'll be all sorted out. You do want to like boys, don't you, Mr. Potter?"

James reached for the door handle, his heart racing. "No! I like girls! And I want it to stay that way!"

"But my dear boy, it's not normal to like girls. Surely you want to fit in, be like the other boys in your year?"

James pulled at the door handle, but it wouldn't budge. Madam Pomfrey was coming towards him, the bottle in one hand and a spoonful of potion in the other. "Come on, Mr. Potter...just swallow this, and everything will be OK You'll see. You don't want to be made fun of, do you? You don't want to be called names, do you? Just a couple spoonfuls of this, and..."

"No!" he screamed, yanking at the handle as hard as he could. "No! No! No! No! No!"

* * * *

Sunlight was pouring through the curtained windows, casting a warm glow throughout the dorm room James shared with his best friend, Sirius Black, and his friends Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. In his mind, he could still see Madam Pomfrey advancing on him, a spoonful of Bending Potion in her hand.

What happened? Was it real? Am I...gay now? he wondered, thinking perhaps the potion had knocked him out. I can't be. I don't want to be. I don't care if I'm not like everyone else! He allowed himself to think of Lily for a moment and knew he was still straight. My god, maybe it was just a dream.

His friends weren't in bed, so James decided they must have gone down to breakfast already. He cursed himself for waking up so late and cursed them for not waking him. He bounded out onto the landing of the Gryffindor boys' dorms and down the narrow staircase.

"Sirius?" he said as he came around the corner. And he stopped cold.

Sirius had his arms around Remus's waist and was kissing him on the lips right there in the common room. He broke free as James entered, and his face turned beet red. "I'm sorry, mate. I know you said not to do it where you could see, but you were still in bed, and..."

James waved his hand dismissively. "Quick, tell me--are you gay?" Sirius nodded, nervous. "And me, I'm straight?" Another nod. "And Lily?"

"As far as I know, Lily likes boys, James," Sirius said. He frowned. "Are you OK?"

"I'm wonderful! Everything's wonderful!" James exclaimed.

Remus stared at him. "Well, I'm glad you're in a good mood."

"Better than good," James corrected him. "Bloody brilliant! Anyway, you two go back to snogging. I have to see Lily." And with that, he pushed open the Fat Lady's painting and hurried off towards the Great Hall.

"Was he--?" Sirius began.

"--still in his pajamas?" finished Remus. "Yes, Pads, I believe he was."

* * * *

On May 2, 1976, James Potter learned two valuable lessons. One was to never eat too many Peppermint Toads just before going to bed.