His Only Secret

Remus Lupin could not believe how close he had become to James Potter and Sirius Black since his first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry had begun.

Sirius and James knew each other before school. The two of them had claimed a compartment on the train for themselves, where they sat, goofing around and plotting mischief for their year ahead. Remus had been in search of a seat on the train and had opened the compartment door to the sight of guilty looks from the boys within.

"Oh, sorry," he had muttered.

He had moved to close the door again when one of the boys, the one with dark hair and glasses, jumped up and grabbed his arm. "Come in!" he hissed. "How much did you hear?"

Remus had looked at each of them, bewildered. "I didn't hear a thing. I just needed a seat is all, and I thought maybe you guys wouldn't mind if I..."

The other boy had stopped him next. "Well, you may as well join us now. You know too much."

Remus had looked frightened, staring at the boys' deadly serious faces, then James and Sirius laughed--a loud, knee-slapping laugh that Remus thought might shatter the window. "You should have seen your face!" cried James, slapping him on the back.

Within only a couple of months, the three had become inseparable friends, and Remus had found he could trust them as much as he had trusted anyone in his life.

Remus and Sirius regularly teased James about his attraction to Lily Evans, a girl in their class. The three of them ran wild through the common room and corridors, intent on having fun despite the efforts of Argus Filch and several well-meaning teachers. Of course, Remus was the voice of reason throughout, trying to keep the other two in check, but on some level, he enjoyed their antics. Strangely, he never felt like a third wheel even though James and Sirius had been friends for much longer, although occasionally their inside jokes made him feel lonely.

All in all, their time at Hogwarts was fun and carefree, with the exception of classes and exams. Only one problem hung over the boys' heads, but only one boy knew it was there--Remus. Remus had thus far managed to conceal his biggest secret, his only secret.

It's not that I don't trust them, is it? Because I do. So why is it so hard for me to say anything? Why can't I tell them?

He was thinking this as the three boys played outside, James and Sirius making snow angels on the school grounds and generally enjoying their weekend despite the freezing temperatures.

"Why so pensive?" James asked. He ran a hand through his hair, a habit he had developed after his first flying lesson and one that seemed to only increase in frequency.

"What?" asked Remus, looking up, distracted. "Oh, nothing. Just pondering."

"Pondering what?" asked Sirius, letting the snow run through his fingers and watching it fall. "What's there to ponder? You're too young to be so deep, Remus." He laughed. He had not yet learned how private a person Remus was.

Remus said nothing. He drew in the snow with his finger, doodling random images that entered his mind. He glanced down at the snow and realized that he had drawn several moons--full, half, waxing, and waning. He hurriedly tried to rub them out with his damp glove, but it was too late. James had spotted them.

"Remus, you're so moody," Sirius said, sighing.

"No, he's 'moony,'" said James, now sitting and looking over Remus's shoulder. He thought for a moment, eyeing Remus. "That's not the first time I've seen you doodling little moons. What's with this moon obsession?"

Remus tried to laugh nonchalantly. "Nothing. Maybe I've been studying Astronomy too hard."

"You study everything too hard," commented Sirius, still lying in the snow.

"Maybe I like getting good grades. Maybe I want to make something of myself one day," Remus muttered. "Listen, guys, I'm cold. I'm going back in."

James grabbed his shoulder. "Remus, I'm sorry. We don't mean to tease you. We just, you know..." He glanced at Sirius. "We don't mean to tease," he repeated. Sirius shrugged.

Remus glanced at both of them in turn and turned to face them. "Guys, I can trust you, right?"

"Of course," said Sirius, sitting up.

"You know that, Remus. Considering what we all get up to in our free time, we have to be able to trust one another," said James.

Remus was thoughtful for a moment. "It's just that there's something I've been wanting to tell you for a while now, and I haven't been able to find the courage."

"What? You can tell us, man," said Sirius, moving closer.

"Well... It's just that... Those times I go back to London to visit my aunt?" The other two nodded. "Have you noticed any kind of, you know, pattern?"

James and Sirius glanced at each other. "You mean because you do it every month? Or something?"

"Yeah," said Remus, looking down. "It's not entirely true, you see. I actually do go to visit my aunt, but that's because my uncle, her husband, is an expert healer."

James went pale. "You're sick?" he asked, feeling his heart sink.

Remus chuckled. "In a way," he said. "My uncle's the only one who knows how to deal with me, you see. And no one else can know about it. So I go there, and they lock me in their basement--"

Sirius's eyes bugged out of his head. "They what?" he shouted. "Why the hell would they do that?" He sputtered nonsensically for a few minutes. James grabbed his arm to quiet him.

Remus smiled weakly. "I need it. To protect people. From me."

A light seemed to go on in James's mind. "Wait a minute... are you saying... you're a...?"

"Werewolf," Remus finished. The other two stared at him, breathing quietly, not daring to speak. Remus laughed. "Didn't my name give it away?"

"Remus... Lupin..." breathed Sirius. Suddenly, he and James went into side-splitting hysterics. "By Merlin's beard, how'd your mother know? What are the odds?"

Remus joined in, the nervous tension gone. "Yeah," he agreed. "Weird, huh?"

"That's hilarious!" exclaimed James. Then he fell silent again. "But you're... you're a werewolf..." They all stopped laughing. Remus looked down at the snow.

"That sucks," Sirius commented.

"Yeah, it does, actually," said Remus.

"So... you... transform or something?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah," Remus said. "With the full moon."

"Man," Sirius breathed. He inched closer to Remus and threw his arms around the slimmer boy. Remus was taken aback--his friends had never hugged him before--but he found that he liked the feel of the larger boy's body against his. For the first time in years, he felt safe.

***

The next day, Remus woke up to sunlight streaming through his window and a fresh coating of snow upon the ground. He stretched and looked around. James was still in bed, the covers wrapped tightly around him. Peter, the fourth boy in their dorm, was asleep, too, hugging a teddy bear. Remus chuckled. The three boys had been warming up to Peter more and more since the start of term, although Remus thought that he was a bit of a hanger-on. Remus looked at the fourth bed, Remus's, and saw that it was empty. It was not like Sirius to be up so early; Remus was confused. Then he realized that maybe he was up to no good, and that seemed to settle the problem.

Remus showered and dressed quickly and went down to the common room. A couple of students were up, playing wizard chess, but there was no sign of Sirius. "Hey, Michael," he said. "Have you seen Sirius around?"

Michael, a freckle-faced boy of 12, looked up from his game. "Yeah, he went out about an hour ago."

"Did he say where he was going?" asked Remus, hoping to find him and have some fun.

"Naw, he just left. But he brought his schoolbag," Michael added hopefully.

Schoolbag? Remus thought. On a Sunday morning? This did not fit. Unless he had dungbombs hidden in his bag?

Remus pushed open the Fat Lady's painting and headed down the corridor. A few other students were up, talking and laughing. A few were working on homework assignments together. A couple were even outside in the freezing air, building snowball forts with their wands. But no Sirius.

He walked around for several minutes, poking his head into unused classrooms and even the boys' bathroom, and soon found himself, somehow, face-to-face with the school library's imposing wooden doors. Naw, he thought. However, he decided it could not hurt to check. He needed to look up something for his Transfiguration homework, anyway.

The library door creaked noisily as he pushed it open; he had never understood why Madam Pince did not oil it, the door that opened into a room of absolute silence. The woman in question glanced up at him, placing a finger over her lips, daring him to make another sound, then stopped when she registered who it was. "Ah, Remus," she whispered. "It's you." She smiled. "Your friend's here, you know. I don't see him here often."

"My friend?" whispered back Remus. Madam Pince pointed. Several yards away sat Sirius, his black hair hanging over his shirt collar and his shoulders hunched over as he read from a huge book. "Weird."

Remus crept towards Sirius as quietly as he could. What is he doing here? He doesn't study, not this early, anyway. He snuck up behind him, grinning.

"Sirius, what--?" he started, and he stopped. His eyes had fallen on the book lying in front of his friend. The title across the top of the page said it all: Children of the Moon: Werewolves Among Us. Remus's eyes boggled.

Sirius turned to face him slowly but said nothing. His cheeks were pink, but he made no attempt to hide the book he was reading or any of the other books scattered around the table, all on the subject of werewolves.

Remus took it all in. "You're reading up on it?" he asked, still surprised.

"Yeah," Sirius muttered. "What of it?"

"Nothing," Remus said hastily. "I just didn't expect it..."

"You're my friend. You're a werewolf. I want to know about it if I'm going to be friends with one. Is that so crazy?"

"I never said it was crazy," Remus whispered, looking hurt. "I just... No one ever cares, is all. Not this much."

"Well, surprise surprise, Moony," said Sirius. "I care." He turned red then glanced back at the book. The page he had turned to showed a drawing of a werewolf, a horrific creature with a wolf's face and long claws. Its fangs were bared as it raised its head to howl at the moon above it. At its feet lay a dead body, a man, ripped and bleeding. Without speaking, Sirius pointed at the drawing and raised an eyebrow.

"Yes," muttered Remus. "That's me."

"No, it's not," Sirius said flatly.

"I'm a werewolf," argued Remus.

"That's not you." Sirius rose from the table and grabbed his schoolbag, which hung on the back of his chair. He walked out of the library without waiting for his friend.

Remus looked at the picture and shuddered. He hated being reminded of what he became once a month, and he realized it must be hard for Sirius to accept. He hurried after him.

"Sirius," he called as he ran down the corridor. "Sirius!" He grabbed his friend by the shoulder.

Sirius whirled around. "That picture in that book, it's not you. Do you understand? You aren't that... thing."

"No, I'm not," agreed Remus. "I'm a boy."

"But you're a werewolf?" asked Sirius, his eyebrows shooting up. "How can you be a boy and a werewolf at the same time? How can you be that?"

Remus was silent. "I don't know. I just am."

"That makes no sense," said Sirius, and turned to walk away again.

"Sirius," said Remus, and his friend looked back at him. Remus slowly pulled up his t-shirt. In the sunlight coming in from the corridor windows, a series of long, deep scars were visible across his chest and stomach.

Sirius dropped his schoolbag and stared. "You're hurt," he said unnecessarily.

"Yes," whispered Remus.

"Because you're... one of those..." He glanced in the direction of the library, indicating the book.

"Yes."

"But that book says you kill people," said Sirius.

Remus lowered his shirt. He had never shown anyone his scars before. He did not even let his own mother see his wounds, nor did he let anyone treat them. His cheeks were pink, and he looked down. "I could," he said. "But I haven't."

"So... I don't know what to say."

"Sirius, you're the first person who's ever seen those marks. I don't let anyone see me."

Sirius was silent. "Thank you," he said softly. He moved closer to his friend. "I know you don't like to let anyone in, Remus. You keep to yourself. You've kept this to yourself. So I feel honored that you would feel that way about me, that you would tell me. And James," he added.

"I'm so tired," Remus said. "Tired of being alone. I wanted to tell someone."

"I know," said Sirius, putting an arm around him. "I'm glad you told us. Maybe we can help."

"No one can help," Remus whispered, feeling suddenly weak and helpless under the other boy's arm. "There's no cure. I'm just going to keep going on like this until someone dies. Maybe it will be me." He seemed almost hopeful.

Sirius moved in front of him and took him by both shoulders. "We're going to help you. Don't talk like that. There must be ways of helping you."

Remus shrugged. "My uncle would know if there were."

"Have you seen anyone besides him? Gone to St. Mungo's, maybe?"

Remus looked horrified. "No one can know!" he said. "You saw that book. No one can ever know."

Sirius sighed. "Well, we'll help you somehow. It's what friends are for, isn't it?"

Remus smiled.

***

From that point onward, Remus felt even closer to Sirius and wanted to spend more and more time with him alone to talk about his life as a monster. However, James and Sirius were best friends and had been for years, and it was often hard to talk to Sirius alone. The three boys had been including Peter in their adventures more and more, and Remus had finally told him of his condition, too.

Sirius, James, and Peter were practicing spells on one another in their dorm room when Remus walked in one evening. "Remus, where've you been?" Peter asked, his body partially and awkwardly leviated off the floor. "Join in! This is fun!"

"Just thinking, reading," he said. He went to his closet and threw a few articles of clothing into his schoolbag.

"Visiting your aunt again, eh?" James asked. An awkward feeling settled over the room.

Remus chuckled. "My aunt, yeah," he said. "I'll be back in a couple of days."

No one spoke. Sirius, James, and Peter were lost in thought, unsure of how to respond to Remus and unable to continue their games.

"Don't act like someone's died," Remus said, zipping up his bag. "I'll be back."

Sirius got up from the bed and walked out of the room without a word.

"What's with him?" Peter asked.

"Who knows," James said. "I think he's weirded out by this. Well, we all are. No offense, Remus."

Remus sighed. "No, it's OK. I'm weirded out by it, too."

The three boys dressed and slipped into bed, blowing out the lamps and casting the room into an icy darkness. Remus lay awake in bed, worried about Sirius. Why had he not come back? Where was he? He finally fell asleep but was awakened again a short time later by the door opening. He watched as Sirius slipped inside, changed clothes, and crawled into bed. "Sirius?" he whispered.

"Yes?" came the voice, sounding tired and lackluster.

"Are you OK?"

"Yeah, I'm OK, Moony. Go back to sleep."

Remus rolled over to face him, seeing his friend's eyes wide open in the moonlight. He watched him for several minutes, soundlessly, until he drifted off to sleep once more.

The next morning, Remus headed downstairs for breakfast. He picked at his food, not feeling hungry at all. His hair was ruffled, and his face was splotchy.

"You're leaving soon?" James asked.

"Yeah," Remus muttered. He glanced at the staff table. Albus Dumbledore gave him a little wink. The headmaster had known what Remus was even before being told (Remus's parents had been forced to explain why their son would need to go away occasionally). Remus gave the old man a weak smile.

The door of the Great Hall opened, and a middle-aged woman in thick glasses peered in. She motioned to Remus, who got up from the bench, letting his fork fall on the plate with a clatter.

The other students looked at the woman who had entered. She was dressed in plain, secondhand robes and a wizard hat one size too large. The boys, who had met her before, gave her a little wave. She returned it, smiling, and motioned to Remus again.

"I'd better go," Remus muttered. "I guess I'll see you." He looked at each of the boys' faces in turn. Peter looked horror-stricken. James looked concerned but gave him a thumbs-up. Sirius had gone white; he put down his still-uneaten piece of toast.

James got up and gave Remus a pat on the arm. "Hang in there. You'll be OK."

"Thanks," said Remus, who was still glancing over at Sirius intermittently. "See you around, I guess."

Sirius suddenly jumped up. "Here!" he exclaimed, slapping a vial into Remus's hands. "For... after..." he finished lamely, and sat back down, staring at his plate.

Remus did not know what to say. He looked at the vial and saw that it contained some kind of ointment. "Sirius, thanks," he said, smiling. "I'll be OK. Don't look so ill." But Sirius did not move.

***

Remus returned two days later, looking thin and exhausted but very glad to be back at school. He gave the password to the Fat Lady and stepped through the door. James, Sirius, and Peter were gathered on the sofa, snacking on chocolate frogs, but they jumped up and hurrried over to him as he neared.

"Moony, how are you?" James gave him a big hug, and Remus winced. "Oooh, sorry. Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine," Remus said, waving it off. "I'm just glad to be back. I'm going to go put my bag up in the room." He headed off for the dorm room.

The others watched him go, smiling. "I'm glad he's OK," Peter said, stuffing another croaking frog in his mouth.

"Hey, where are all those Every-Flavor Beans I bought?" Sirius asked, looking around at all the empty wrappers. "Oh nuts, I left them under my bed." He jumped up and hurried up the stairs. James and Peter looked at each other and shook their heads, smiling.

Sirius pushed the door open and found Remus unpacking his belongings. "Moony, you OK?"

Remus glanced up. "Yeah," he muttered. "I'm fine." He straightened up the robes on his hangers, brushing off bits of fluff, trying to find a way to fill the uncomfortable silence.

Sirius moved closer to him. "Remus, can I see?" he asked quietly.

"What? Oh," Remus said. "I'm not sure... I mean, I did once, but now..."

"It's OK. Did the stuff I gave you help any?"

Remus smiled. "It did. It's better than it would be without it, anyway."

Sirius sat down on his bed and looked out the window. "Why did you not try to heal them yourself before? Surely your uncle has something?"

"Yeah. He does. I just... I just didn't want anyone to know. I mean, I'm sure they knew. I have blood on my shirt afterwards." Sirius winced. "But I just don't want them to help. All I want is to be locked in until it's over then taken back here. I don't want people fussing over me. I don't want people to see what I do to myself. They're always so much more horrified by it than I am."

Remus sighed. He walked over to Sirius and stood in front of him. His cheeks red and his eyes down, he gingerly lifted his shirt. His torso sported fresh injuries, long marks down his front and back. One cut was covered by a makeshift bandage, a scrap of cloth that Remus had taped over it. "That was a bad one," he said, noticing Sirius staring at it.

"You tried to bandage it yourself?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded. "No offense, but you did a rotten job of it." Remus chuckled. Sirius looked up at his friend. "The stuff I gave you didn't help?"

Remus shrugged. "Maybe it was too deep."

Sirius sighed. "Remus, I know what you're going to say, but... could I look at it?"

Remus was silent. He sat down on the bed, letting his shirt fall back down. "Can you help it any, do you think? It hurts."

Sirius smiled. "I can try," he replied. "Lie down." Remus looked at him, wide-eyed. "You're my patient, silly," Sirius explained. Remus laughed and lay down on Sirius's bed. Sirius pushed his friend's shirt up gently and pulled at the tape as carefully as he could. "Sorry," he said.

He removed the covering and found a very deep gash that had only partially closed over with the help of the ointment. "Ouch," Sirius said. "So you...?"

"Yeah, I did that to myself." Remus was embarrassed. He looked at the wall to avoid his friend's eyes but also to hide the tiny smile that was threatening to form. Sirius's touch was soft and gentle, and every movement made Remus tingle all over.

Sirius found a new vial of ointment in his trunk. "I learned how to make this over the summer. I got into plenty of scrapes with James and didn't need any adults asking questions." He grinned. He dipped his finger into it and smoothed some over the cut as lightly as he could. Remus expected it to hurt, but it just felt cold and wet. He shivered. "You OK?" Sirius asked.

"Um, yeah," Remus said, trying to suppress a giggle. "It sort of tickles."

Sirius laughed. "Careful, or I'll really tickle you, buddy." He looked down at Remus's stomach. "It's closing over, anyway. I think we can lose the, uh, bandage."

Remus sat up, leaning on his arms, and looked at it. There was still a mark, and it was clearly going to leave a scar, but it seemed to have healed a little. "Thanks," he said. He looked down, his long eyelashes fanned out on his cheeks.

"No problem."

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you look so awful when I left? I mean, you looked like you were going to be sick."

"I was," said Sirius, grinning.

Remus stared at him. "For real?"

"Yeah, a little." Sirius shrugged. "But then I was OK."

"But why?"

"Because you were going to, you know... go through that."

"It bothered you that much?"

Sirius looked at him. "It's hard to explain, I guess, from this end. But it was hard for me to see those pictures, to think that such a nice guy could become... that. It made no sense. It still doesn't. And I read that it hurts you really bad to change, that it's agonizing. And that was all I could think of while I sat there, that you were going to be in all this pain and then become this monster, clawing at yourself, hurting yourself, locked up in some dark basement. It's about the most horrible thing I can imagine."

Remus chuckled. "It is."

"You handle it pretty well," Sirius commented.

"I have to. I've been going through it for years," Remus said. "I hate it. It's awful. But I have to live with it somehow. And I know it's hard to hear the first time, that a friend of yours is a werewolf and turns into a homicidal, mutated dog once a month. But you'll get used to it, same as I have. It's just life. My life." He pulled his shirt down.

Sirius looked at him for a while then put his arms around him, marveling at how such a quiet, intelligent, sweet, and skeletally thin boy could handle something so terrible so very well. Remus hugged him back. "Don't let it get to you. Don't be sick every month, OK? Please? For me?" Remus asked.

"OK, I'll try not to," his friend replied, grinning. "Just take care of yourself better. Please? Maybe get your uncle to help? I don't want you bleeding to death on me."

"I'll try," said Remus, but he did not sound sincere.

"And somehow, James and Peter and I will find a way to help you. You can count on that." He winked. "James finds a way to do anything he wants. Nothing has ever stopped him. Even you, despite your best efforts."

The dorm room door opened. "Are you two done now?" asked James, his hand over his eyes.

Remus and Sirius laughed. "We weren't doing anything!"

James looked and saw them both on Sirius's bed. He shook his head. "My friends are gay. Dear god. Gay," he said. "Whatever will I do with the pair of you?"

"Join in?" Sirius asked, laughing. James laughed, too. Remus chuckled, although for some reason, the suggestion that he was having a gay relationship with Sirius unnerved him.

"We've eaten all the frogs," Peter said. His face was a mess of melted chocolate. "But Sirius claimed to have some beans up here? Or was he just making that up as an excuse to see you, Moony?"

Sirius pulled out a bag of Every-Flavor Beans from under his mattress, grinning triumphantly, and the four boys hurried back to the common room to eat them.