Just Like a Pill

Just Like A Pill

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me

Must be a bad trip

All the other pills were different

Maybe I should get some help

"Ginny? Ginny is that you?"

"Yeah..." I whispered into the phone, my sweaty hands grasping at the plastic desperately. "Yeah, it's me. It's Ginny."

"Oh, good God - I was so worried - where are you, Gin? Where are you - I'll come and get you..." I closed my eyes and tried to slow my heavy breathing. The room was swinging violently, and I smashed against the table trying to get to my feet. The phone clattered to the floor.

"Ginny?"

Cursing, I bent down and swung my hands at it. Finally catching the antennae I fell to my knees.

"Yeah...sorry..."

"Ginny - are you okay? Is something wrong? You don't sound...well. Are you ill, honey?"

I swallowed dryly, fingers grasping at the threads of the carpet. Ill. A smile of irony crept across my face, and I began to cough. Shivering and shuddering, I slumped against the couch, holding the phone against my neck and closing my eyes, afraid of what I might see if I opened them.

"I...I..."

"Look, this phone thing is dumb. Tell me where you are, I'll Apparate."

My heart began to thud even faster in my blood stream. I couldn't have him come here, I couldn't let him see me like this. My brain raced for words, and my tongue struggled to spit them out.

"I...no...uh...let me get dressed...I'll Apparate to you," I stammered.

"Ginny, no, you're not fit to Apparate. You'd probably splice yourself or something."

"You...you can't...come here," I choked.

"That's ridiculous. Of course I can. Just tell me where you are."

"I won't Apparate...I'll use floo....please, just don't..."

"Ginny, now I'm really worried." His tone was serious. My stomach churned as the room rollicked sideways again, and I sucked in a loud gasp, flinging myself desperately at the table leg.

"Oh god," I breathed. I tried to stand again, but came crashing to the floor. I tasted blood in my mouth, and heard the angry buzz of the telephone that had smashed against the glass-topped table. Almost relieved that our connection had been severed, I levered myself to my feet and stumbled over to the curtains, flinging them open.

Violent light dashed through the room and I stumbled back. Determined not to lose my balance again, I slumped against the window sill, allowing myself a few calming breaths before looking up again. Morning washed over the dreary parking lot of the motel. I tried to remember why I was here...what had happened...

I'm lying here on the floor where you left me

I think I took too much

I'm crying here, what have you done?

I thought it would be fun

There was another gathering, this time louder and more raucous than the others. I remembered spinning lights and lots of spells...and, of course, the pills. They were passed around from hand to hand, excited faces of the young lit with a clammy palour as each doused themselves in the seductive danger of the pill. At first I had been frightened, I had no idea what this was...I had heard of the dangers of Muggle drugs, but had never actually seen one...

"It's okay Ginny," he had said. Tom. I trusted Tom - though I shouldn't. But it wasn't my choice - I couldn't help how I felt.

"Aren't they...dangerous?" I asked. He turned to me, eyes glittering with fierce intensity.

"What isn't?" he'd asked.

It was true. What wasn't dangerous, in this world I had been so unwittingly sucked into? While I had an anxious, caring boyfriend waiting at home, I had chosen to fly the skies with the next generation of evil-doers and maniacs. But what could I do? Tom was real now - by the blood of Voldemort, he was real again, and every time I saw him I just wanted to belong to him so badly. I just wanted to give myself to him.

"Besides," he'd grinned devilishly. "Didn't you enjoy it last time?"

Thrill. That was all I remember. Thrill, and loud laughter and shrieks and crazy things. I knew after I took these pills, I would end up somewhere strange, having done thousands of things I otherwise would never have done. Ginny. Who'd have thought you'd spend your nights with future death eaters in drugged raves? I knew what went on after the pills - all too well. Once I hadn't taken them - the first time, I had just pretended. They brought in victims - hostages - and...curses...spells...things I never wanted to see...after that, it was better to take the pill, so I wouldn't remember what I had done, who I had hurt, the night before.

Oh Tom. I sunk to my knees, sobbing suddenly. Oh, Tom, I love you so much, but you're just like the pills, and you don't make me feel good at all, and I should leave, but Oh God I just can't...

"Ginny, I love you," he'd said - Draco, that is. That's what Draco said. Tom never said it, no matter how much I wanted it. Draco worried about me, but he didn't ask where I went at night. How could I hurt him so much? The only one he trusted - lying, cheating, hurting him? I was terrible.

I can't stay on your life support

There's a shortage in the switch

Can't stay on your morphine

Cause it's making me itch

I said I tried to call the nurse again

But she'd being a little bitch

I think I'll get out of here

Where I can run, just as fast as I can

To the middle of nowhere

To the middle of my frustrated fears

I swear you're just like a pill

'Stead of making me better

You keep making me ill

You're making me ill

*

Later, I Apparated home when I'd sobered up enough to remember how. Draco almost made me forget it - he didn't ask questions, just put me in bed and waited while I rested, always asking if I wanted anything, always saying I Love You.

That night, I felt it again. The burning on my arm, where the mark was. Cringing, I had to obey. There was no way I could make myself stop. The pills - and Tom - were addicted. As much as I knew they were both bad for me, I had to go back.

As I opened the window and mounted my broom, I felt him behind me.

"Ginny," he said. I turned around, and saw his eyes full of sorrow. "Where are you going?"

My mind spun dizzily. He had never asked before - only tentatively skirted the subject. Now, standing before the man who loved me so much, I felt ashamed and sick. I felt like ripping myself to pieces, like vomiting up all of my blood so I'd die and not plague him anymore. But as my eyes filled with tears, I realized what I felt for Tom Riddle - just like the pills - was not love, but need - a need that could be vanquished if I was strong enough to stand up to it. Closing my eyes, I knew what I had to do, so I pulled up the sleeve of my robe and showed Draco my mark.

"Oh Ginny," he said. "It's not your fault."

I dropped the broom, and ran back into his arms, crying.

I can't stay on your life support

There's a shortage in the switch

I can't stay on your morphine

It's making me itch

I think I'll get out of here

Where I can run just as fast as I can

To the middle of nowhere

To the middle of my frustrated fears

I swear you're just like a pill

'stead of making me better

You keep making me ill

You keep making me ill...

"Make it stop," I told Draco. "Make me better." He smoothed my hair and hugged me tighter.

"Okay," he said. "I will."

You keep making me ill....