Malchik Gay

Handsome

Tender

Soft

Why do you look right through me

thinking

"No"

I look over at you from across the common room. You have one hand entwined in your hair, ruining its usually perfect styling. The other one is twirling a quill around and around, dipping it into a jar of ink but never pressing against the parchment. I get up from one of the large couches that bedeck the large room and make my way over to you, swerving around furniture. My hair falls into my face as I lean over you. It falls into yours, too, and you glance up at me. I can tell that for a moment you are disoriented, but then you smile and bat my hair out of your face.

"How are you?" you ask.

"Mmm ... fine. You?"

"All right, I suppose."

"Arithmancy?" I ask, looking down at the parchment.

"Mhm ... it's a bugger."

"I'd offer to help, but ..."

"It's all right." You smile again with those beautiful lips, and looks back down at your parchment.

"Yeah." Damn my stupidity. I knew I should have taken up Arithmancy - who cares about ancient runes, anyway? "Well, I'll be going ..." I start to walk away.

You don't look up.

**********

I can't deny my feelings

Growing strong

I try to keep believing

dreaming on

Once again I'm looking at you from across the room. You always sit in the front in Potions, but Snape dotes on you, so I'm not surprised. He lets you get away with anything, you know that? Father say he's a Death Eater, but you probably already knew that. How could you not? The perfect emblem of pureblood society. I used to envy you, when we were little. But now the envy's changed. I'm not sure which is worse, the old familiar jealousy, or this new, confusing feeling I have now, every time I'm near you.

I think everyone feels that way around you though. Did you know that we talk about you in the girl's dormitory at night? We all sit around on Pansy's bed and talk about you. Pansy's lucky. She says you kissed her. Did you? I wish you'd kiss me. But then, that's probably the wish of all girls at Hogwarts, right? Well, either you or Potter. You're archenemies, even in romance.

I'm starting to think that everything about you is a front you put on. But underneath each mask there's a new one. Does anyone ever see what's underneath them all? Is there anything underneath? Or do the masks keep going and going?

**********

And every time I see you

I crave more

I wanna pull you closer

closer

closer

closer

but you leave me feeling frozen

You always sit at that same table in the library. You can always find the perfect place to make you look perfect, you know that? The light touches your hair just so, it reminds me of the gold embroidery on my mother's wedding dress. You've got your feet propped up on the table, but Madam Pince doesn't yell at you. But she's probably just like everyone else - taken in by your beauty.

I walk over to you, but you don't look up until I pull back a chair and it scrapes loudly against the floor. The whole library looks at me, and you wince. I swallow and sit. "Hey."

"Hey," you reply, shutting your book and setting it on the table. You cross your arms and lean back in your chair.

"What're you reading?" I ask, trying to read the title upside down. I resist the urge to tilt my head sideways - Pansy insists it makes me look utterly cockeyed.

"Extra reading for Divination."

"Ahh." I used to take Divination, but dropped out in our fourth year. "Is it any good?"

"It's all right."

"Mmm ... well, I'll let you get back to your reading, then ..." I push back the chair, and it scratches against the floor again. We both wince, but I only wince because you do.

I don't know why I even bother - you could get girls so much better than me, if you wanted them. But I want you to kiss me like Pansy says you kissed her. I want you to touch me like ... like I've seen you touch other boys.

**********

Malchik gay

Malchik gay

I can be

all you need

Won't you please

stay with me

I've been sitting by you for a while, watching the rise and fall of your chest. Your hair is splayed across the pillow and lies in strands over your forehead. I long to brush it off like your mother probably would if she were here.

That was a nasty fall you made. You should have heard the stands - there was this huge intake of breath as we watched you slip off your broom. You seemed to fall in slow motion, your green robes folding up around you like wings. You landed on the grass and for a moment no one moved. Then the Gryffindors started cheering, and all of us Slytherins gave a big cry and dashed down the stairs. The professors were there first, but we tried to press in past them and look at you. I got a glimpse of you over someone's shoulder. You looked like a marionette whose strings have been cut.

We all went to the Hospital Wing in a big green-and-silver wave. Most of us left almost immediately. There were still a lot of people when I left the first time. I went to the lavatory, and when I came back, everybody was gone. I transfigured my hair ribbon into a bouquet - forget-me-nots, and set it on top of all the other gifts that seemed to suddenly appear in everyone's hands after you fell.

I have to leave. As I sit here, I feel my palms get sweatier and sweatier, and feel blood rush to my cheeks. I leave in a hurry, but close the doors quietly behind me. I'm terrified that I might disturb you.

**********

Malchik gay

Malchik gay

Apologies, might-have-been's

Malchik gay

Malchik gay

can't erase what I feel

Malchik gay

Malchik gay

A week later, you're totally repaired. Everyone's still talking about the game, because we won even though Potter caught the Snitch. Even Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were coming up to you. I can see the greedy looks in some of their eyes. I wonder - is that what I look like to you? I bump into you accidentally while going into the Transfiguration classroom - the disadvantages of two people with books trying to fit through a doorframe at the same time. My eyes widen and I stammer an apology.

You smirk. "It's all right."

I blush, and between my red face and hair I feel like a Weasley. No wonder you pass right over me. If I looked different, would you want me? How about if I was a different sex?

**********

Choking

Back emotion

I try to keep on hoping

for a way

a reason for us both to

Come in

Close

It's Hogsmeade weekend. The Three Broomsticks is having a dance night, and all the students are there. The dance floor is positively stifling, and I can feel the sweat ooze out of the back of my neck. You're dancing with everyone. You probably get a kick out of watching everyone's faces - how their eyes would light up as you danced towards them, and how their faces would fall as you wandered on to the next person. As you approach me, I try to keep myself from looking as happy as I feel. Even though you've danced with everyone else, I feel like I'm special, like I'm the only one you want to dance with.

Do you make everyone else feel the same way, I wonder? Your body gets so close to me, but your heart seems so distant, even though you seem to be having the time of your life. I wish I could do that, be so aloof, pretend that you don't affect me like you do.

What if I simply bent forward and kissed you? But that would be too bold.

The moment passes, and you move on to other people - the Gryffindors. Potter always did have two left feet, but the moment you get within a metre of him, it seems like dancing was the thing he was born to do.

**********

I long for you to hold me

like your boyfriend ... does

and though my dream is

slowly fading

Lately I've been memorizing where you go everyday, and today I actually decided to follow you. You make your way to the third floor corridor that they warned us against in our first year. There, in a corner, stands Potter. The torch light shone against his hair and face. I expect you to insult him. But he smiles at you, and you smile back at him.

"So, Harry, how did your day go? Flunk your Potions essay?" Harry? Since when have you been on a first name basis with Potter?

"Of course not, Draco - you practically wrote it for me."

"Mmm, yes ..." You stride towards him and he leans back against the wall. "We shall have to arrange another 'study session' some time, won't we?" You grin. The torch light gives you a sexy, golden glow. You lean towards him.

Something inside of me is telling me to run away before I get my heartbroken, but the irrational part of me decides to stay. Your lips touch his. I stand in rapt horror. Your forearms rest against the stone on either side of Potter's head, and his hands trace designs on your shoulder blades.

I should have known. I guess I knew all along that you liked boys, but Potter? That's fraternizing with the enemy!

My mind is utterly blank, and I dash towards the Slytherin dorms. I vaguely notice people turning to look at me as I run past. I get into the Slytherin common room and run towards the stairs, making my way up to the seventh year girl's dorm. I fling open the door, and Pansy is sitting on her bed, braiding her hair.

She looks up at me. "Blaise! What's the matter!"

I shake my head and throw myself face down onto my bed, burying my head into the pillow. I'm furious at you. I'm furious at myself. How could I have let myself be lead on so by you? My mind flashes back, and I see your lips meeting his over and over and over again. I wonder how long you've been kissing him. I wonder if you've done anything more than just kiss him. I wish I were him.

**********

I wanna be the object

object

object

object

of your passion, but it's hopeless

I don't look at you as you walk by me in the halls. A part of me wants to shout your secret to the world, to make your life miserable. Another part of me wants to keep your secret, so that you'll trust me, even though you don't know that I know. I have a brief hope that maybe, when you're done with Potter, you'll come back to your own house. When you do, I'll be waiting.