Behind the Mask

Chapter 3 - A bath and a letter

I lay my quill back down, feeling a bone-deep tiredness, my neck and back feel, like someone has petrified them, stiff and tense, aching from sitting for too long with my head bend over the desk. I long for the soft comfort of my bed, but first I have to do something about those aching muscles, otherwise I will have a hard time moving at all tomorrow.

I close the inkbottle and leave the parchments I have filled so far in a neat stack on the desk, so I won't need to put them in order before I continue tomorrow. I get up slowly, feeling every year of my long life in my aching body. I walk out of the library; the old, dark wood of the floor is creaking underneath the soles of my slippers at the usual spots. I know the noisy floorboards by heart and normally avoid stepping on them, but now I am simply too tired to care.

On my way to the bathroom, I am already scrolling through a list of relaxing potions in my head, which one of them should I use? A simple relaxing draught or something stronger? Maybe 'Total Unloosion' would be a good choice, it is a powerful potion, but I do think I need something this strong tonight.

I walk past my potions lab, the wood of the floor now giving way to stone, it is worn and feels smooth under my soles. I go to the door opposite to the living room, for now ignoring the third door, which would lead straight to my bedroom.

I light the candles in the bathroom wandless, only muttering the spell. My skills in wandless magic are growing with time, I am certainly not masterful at it, but good enough to do some minor things.

Another spell, this time with my wand and the large bathtub begins to fill. I take a flask of 'Total Unloosion' from the shelf and add it to the warm water, the potion turns it into an inviting looking azure-blue, which reminds me of the one time I was at the ocean. My mother took me there, when my father was away at some business for the ministry. I remember how I enjoyed playing in the salty seawater. Running to chase the waves, which always kept escaping me. One of the few happy memories I have of my childhood.

I slowly undress, peeling away the many layers of clothing in which I use to hide my body, a habit that comes from years living in cool, damp dungeons.

I start to unbutton the many little buttons at the front of my outer robes, when they are off I let the heavy robes fall to the floor and continue with the shiny pearl buttons of my inner robes. My black shirt comes off next, followed by the grey undershirt I wear beneath it.

Now my upper body is completely bare. I am still lean and slightly muscled, but my body is softer than it used to be and my skin has long lost the resilience of youthfulness. I look at my forearm, on the place where the dark mark used to be, it disappeared without leaving any traces of its existence, the skin there is pale and unmarred. I still sometimes expect to see it, after wearing it for so long it became a part of me, like my fingernails, or my hair, or like...no better not think about it.

Some things you loose hurt less, some more.

I am happy that it is gone, but I wish everyday that I would have lost it at a price less high.

Enough with thinking about the past, it can't be changed, not even by a wizard. The bathtub is full and I should finish undressing before the water turns cold.

After shedding my trousers, underwear and toeing out of my slippers, I lower myself slowly into the warm water. It feels wonderful, the warmth and the potion loosen the strain in my muscles. I close my eyes, lie back and let myself be engulfed by the warm, wet fluid. Breathing in deeply I try to relax and let my mind become blank.

I decide that it is time again to wash my hair, once the colour of ravens it has turned now nearly completely white, a few black strands here and there are all that remain. I untie the black velvet ribbon, which I use to keep it out of my face and let it slide down over my back and chest. I dip my head under the water surface,as I come up again my hair is sufficiently wet.

I take a bottle of hair potion from the edge of the tub and let some of it dripple into my palm,then I slowly massage it into the dripping mass of silvery hair and rinse it out with a quickly cast spell.

After I'm done I pull out the plug and slowly climb out of the bathtub, the strains in my muscles are entirely gone but I am still tired and nearly slip on the wet tiles, before I can manage to steady myself with a hand on the edge of the tub. I do not bother to fold the clothes I discarded earlier, or put them in the hamper. I can do that tomorrow, when I will hopefully feel better after a good nights sleep. I hope it will be undisturbed by nightmares tonight, for once. If only I hadn't used up the last of the 'Dreamless Sleep' potion I had in stock. I am too tired for the two hours it takes to brew a new batch. Tomorrow, I will brew more tomorrow.

First, drying myself off with a big green towel I then put my pyjamas on, black silk like always. I think I probably don't even own a pair of pyjamas that aren't black silk, but he used to like them on me, he said I look gorgeous in them, so I can not bring myself to buy any others, it is just another habit that won't change, no matter how many years go by. I put on a bathrobe over them, the rest of the house is chilly after all, it is just the bathroom that is magically heated. One of the few luxuries I allow myself to have.

I blow out the candles and walk to the bedroom, the floor feels icy under my bare feet and I am glad to finally reach the warm thick rug in my bedroom. A wardrobe, a nightstand and a big four-poster bed are the only furniture in there, the bed is the one I had at Hogwarts, there were to many memories, equally happy and sad ones, attached to it to just leave it there. It is the only piece of furniture I took with me when I retired, apart from the desk that stood in my office, like the bed, too many memories to leave it behind.

Slisra is sleeping on the bed, her long, black and red body coiled into itself. I tell her to make some room for me, she moves away, only to slide her scaly, smooth body around my own, as soon as I lie down, letting her head come to rest at my throat and slightly tickling me with her forked tongue.

She can still understand me, sadly all I hear from her anymore is a soft hiss instead of the words I was able to understand at a time, yet another thing I lost. I enjoy the company of the snake, her gentleness when she sleeps entwined with me, her attempts to comfort me if I have a particularly bad day, but I miss her sometimes snarky and witty remarks. It still feels as if one half of my mind is missing, replaced by a dull black nothingness, will I ever get used to that feeling?

I pull the warm flanell sheets up to my chin, Slisra hisses, unhappy by my movement, maybe I should think about having a permanent heating charm in here too. I probably could ask Hermione to cast it. I am not really that good with charms, I have always prefered potions over the stupid wand waving. Sadly I haven't discovered a room-heating potion yet.

I try to sleep, but sleep won't come. Long forgotten memories come into my head, things I have avoided to think about for years, but now that I started writing it all down, they just keep coming like water dripping trough a hole in a dam until the whole thing breakes down and a unstoppable flood forces it's way through. What a nice metaphor I have come up with, comparing memories with floods, but it is true, once the walls are broken there is no way to stop the flood of memories that threaten to overflow my brain. The time I have left is just too short, how will I be able to get it all written down before it is too late? There must be a way to speed things up, if I could only skip a few years, but they are all so important. I have to tell everything what had happened during Harrys school years for them to understand.

Suddenly I remember something what Hermione mentioned on her visit, about Joanne, yes that could be the solution. I think I may have found a way! I hastily get up and scribble a short letter on a piece of parchment, summon my owl Aristoteles and tell him to get the letter to Joanne as fast as possible. When I lie back down on my pillow and get Slisra to stop hissing at me, for waking her up, sleep finally claims me. I only hope that Joanne will send her reply soon and has everything I need...