Damaged Goods

Harry rapped at the door hard before he lost his nerve. He didn't know what he would do if Hermione was here, but he hadn't been able to find her anywhere in the castle, wishing for the tenth time that night that Dumbledore hadn't confiscated the Marauder's Map last year. Knowing that Dumbledore had more important use for it than he did, Harry had reluctantly given it to him. Waiting impatiently, he finally heard someone coming towards the door.

Severus flung open the door, wondering what was wrong. Though he was still half drunk from the whiskey, he had managed to check the time and saw it was a little after two am.

"Potter? What are you doing here?" he growled.

"I was...was." Harry tried to still the tremor in his voice. Snape looked horrible, dressed in rumpled robes and smelled worse, as Harry got a whiff of alcohol.

"Spit it out!" Severus barked.

"I waswonderingifyouhaveseenHermione."

Severus raised his eyebrows studying Harry. Was he serious or was this just a prank, a dare perhaps? "And why pray tell would you think that I would have seen Granger at this time of night? I would assume she is in bed as you should be. Twenty points from Gryffindor for being out past curfew and answer my question now!"

Flushing, Harry swallowed hard. "No sir, she is not in her room or in Gryffindor tower at all. I just thought...well..." his mouth became dry and he couldn't form the words.

"Ten points from Gryffindor and answer me before I make it another ten. Why would you think I would know where Miss Granger is at this ungodly hour?"

Harry was growing angry with himself for his suspicions, but angrier with Snape if they were even the slightest bit true.

"I wanted to know if Hermione was here, with you," he said through gritted teeth.

At least he had the satisfaction of seeing a stunned look on Snape's face a moment before it grew dark and murderous.

"If you are implying what I think you are, Potter," he hissed. "I think we shall be going to see the Headmaster right now, unless you can explain why in Merlin's name you suggested that."

In for a penny in for a pound Harry thought. "Several of your own house confronted me about it, said they saw you and Hermione..." he flinched, "snogging today and she came back the other night wearing your cloak...and she is missing...and I just..." Harry faltered, his face scarlet.

Severus eyes widened briefly before he narrowed them and took a step towards Harry. "So, you thought you would come down to rescue your friend from my evil clutches, is that it? What kind of game are you playing Potter? Did your friends dare you to come down here and make a fool of yourself?" he roared.

"No sir," Harry said angrily, squaring his jaw. "I came on my own, to find Hermione."

"Well rest assured Potter she is not here," he said maliciously. "I suggest you run back to your bed as fast as you can before I decide to take this insult out on your hide."

"Fine," Harry spat, turning to go.

"And Potter," the silky low voice halted him. "I expect you in the Headmaster's office at seven am sharp. We will see what he has to say about the accusations you made tonight."

****

Albus stretched languidly as he got up from his desk. Fawkes opened one eye and chirped softly at him.

"Yes, yes I know, it's late but things must be done. Letters to write, plans, oh why am I telling you?"

Fawkes let out an indignant squawk and buried his head under his wing.

"You know my friend, you are getting rather cranky in your old age," he chuckled good-naturedly. Going over to the phoenix, Albus stroked the soft scarlet feathers a moment, his gaze on the picturesque sky framed in the window.

"Beautiful night Fawkes, yes indeed."

He opened he window wide, breathing in the sweet June air. The heavens were surely spectacular tonight. Inky blackness made a perfect canvas for the endless display of twinkling stars. The moon was new, barely a sliver in the darkness.

Reaching out to pull the window shut once more, a shimmer of light caught his attention. Leaning out, he looked in the direction of the glow and was surprised to see a circle of silver blue light hovering over a section of the Astronomy Tower.

"Most curious." he mumbled, leaning still further out. A loud squawk caused him to almost lose his grip.

"Alright Fawkes, I am in now. Yes, thank you for being concerned, but there is something strange going on at the Astronomy Tower and I want to check it out. You wouldn't want to come, would you?"Fawkes eyed him suspiciously and tucked his head under his wing once more.

Chuckling, Albus pulled himself up until he was sitting on the narrow ledge of the window, his feet dangling outside.

"Ventulus spatior." Albus murmured the words though he knew he did not need to. That was the wonderful thing about elemental magic; you only needed to think of the spell.

Swirling silver wisps of air formed a glittering bridge in front of him. He stepped out and walked towards the Astronomy Tower, the air bridge shifting in the direction of his steps. Albus hoped that no one was looking out the window at that moment. He knew they would not see the air bridge, for only elemental mages could see the workings of such spells, however if some insomniac glimpsed in his direction it would appear as if he were walking in mid air.

Stepping onto the tower, he saw that the glowing light was centered around a small figure curled up on the floor. Hermione Granger. 'Had the girl hurt herself again?' he thought anxiously, going quickly to her. As he entered the light he felt a gentle force pushing him back. Understanding flowed through him and he almost forgot about Hermione as he touched the glowing light with his hand, feeling it push against him. A protective circle.

Glancing at the girl, he saw that she was only asleep, a serene look upon her face. Almost giddy with delight he knelt down close to the light and spoke quietly.

"Hermione, can you hear me child?"

Hermione moved a little but didn't wake up.

"It's time to wake up Hermione," he said more loudly and was rewarded as she stirred, stretching. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked around confused.

"Oh! Professor Dumbledore." Hermione scrambled to her feet, the circle of light dissipating as she rose. "Forgive me, I fell asleep..."

"No harm done," Albus chuckled. "Tell me Miss Granger, what brings you to the Astronomy Tower?"

Hermione looked down at her feet. "I...had a lot on my mind. I came here to think and it was so peaceful that I guess I fell asleep."

Albus looked up into the starry sky. "Yes indeed, the heavens are beautiful tonight. One could get lost in the stars tonight."

"Yes," Hermione said sadly. "It makes one realize how insignificant a person really is, how little you matter in this vast universe."

"Really? I would think just the opposite. We see the stars and know that by the time we can glimpse their beauty that some are no longer. I for one would not want to waste their effort of giving us this beautiful night by thinking of them as insignificant."

He smiled kindly at her. "I think of each child that passes through this school like one of those stars: Bright and brilliant, though I may not witness what becomes of their lives until many, many years later, if ever. Though some may burn out too quickly or be sucked into a dark void, I would never think of them as less than miraculous."

Hermione gave him a grateful look, feeling his acceptance of her and what had happened to her. They stood there a few moments in silence looking heavenward.

"Do you trust me child?"

"Of course Headmaster," she replied quickly, wondering why he had asked.

"I need to know something, something that only you can tell me though you may not know how."

Hermione looked at him puzzled as Albus raised his hands to her forehead. Giving her a smile he whispered, "Aperio."

Hermione was sitting looking up into the heavens, tears running down her cheeks. "Why, why do I think everything will be alright? Every time I think there is a glimmer of hope for things to be normal it doesn't happen," she sobbed.

Putting her head down as she clasped her knees and rocked, murmuring, "I just want to feel safe, just for a while, I want to feel safe. Please, I want some peace."

Still rocking, repeating the words over and over, a glow began to emanate from her. It swirled and twisted until it encompassed her. Slowly her rocking ceased; an expression of serenity appearing on her face. She yawned and laid down on the stones.

Dumbledore removed his hands, smiling. She had indeed summoned a protective circle, an elemental protective circle commonly used by ethereal mages.

Hermione stood before him not seeing him. That was the most annoying thing about elemental magic, Albus thought wryly. The magus did not remember when they used the magic, not until someone showed them how to access the power. Just as Flamel had done for him, and as he had done for Severus, he would also show Hermione when the time was right.

:"Hermione dear," he said gently, waving a hand in front of her. "I do believe it is time you returned to your room."

She blinked and looked at him confused. "Right, professor," she said blushing. "Again I am sorry for being out so late."

They walked out of the tower and she bade him goodnight. Amazing. He shook his head as he watched her walk away. He had promised Flamel to keep up his work of trying to find other elemental mages, but he had had little time to investigate these matters. He chuckled at the irony, that now he had found two within his very school.

But why now? Albus had been vague when he told Severus that it only took a touch from an ethereal mage to exchange powers, realizing now that when Severus had made contact with Hermione that day in his office it had awakened his powers. It took an emotional contact, a willingness to reach out; to exchange part of one's self to the other, not just a simple touch. This was very typical of ethereal mages who are the giving type, self-sacrificing. Albus had little doubt that many Muggle spiritual persons were not gifted with the magic.

But Severus? Albus smiled as he thought of the man willingly reaching out to someone, concerned enough to give something of himself. The man was too guarded to allow anyone to become close, though Albus felt he had gotten through at times. Yet there was a part of Severus that wouldn't be touched, the ability to return love. Albus believed he had now witnessed a miracle that night and hadn't even known it.

Walking up the hallway, Albus was not surprised when he saw Severus approaching him looking disgruntled.

"Late night stroll Severus or should I say morning?" Albus greeted him.

Severus scowled at him. "I was looking for..."

"Miss Granger has returned to Gryffindor," Albus said, his eyes twinkling at him.

"How did you...never mind. Good night then Headmaster." Severus said as he turned to go. Walking a few feet he turned back. "We have a meeting with Potter in the morning."

"I see," Albus said smiling, "and would this have anything to do with young Granger?"

"As usual yes," Severus said explaining what Harry had told him. Albus stroked his beard a moment as he weighed what Severus had said.

"Perhaps it would work for Miss Granger's best interest if we allow the rumor to stand."

Severus frowned at him. "Ruining a girl's reputation is in her best interest?"

Chuckling, Albus winked at him. "If those in Slytherin and others who would want to take advantage of her, shall we say inappropriate behavior at times, knew that the feared Potions master would be highly offended, well..."

"Really Albus. The majority of the students will be leaving at the end of next week. I think it is hardly necessary for the charade."

"Then how about Lucius? Evidently he already suspects that you have taken Miss Granger under your 'wing'."

"That would not deter him but only make him more determined." Severus sighed, "still I will do as you suggest and not confront those in Slytherin who started this. Good night again Headmaster."

"Oh, by the way Severus, I would watch out for Minerva if she ever gets wind of the rumor," Albus said to his retreating form.

****

Picking at her breakfast, Hermione sighed as she glanced down the table at Ron. He was once again ignoring her, turning a cold shoulder to her when she tried to talk to him this morning. Sitting beside Harry she was grateful for his unwavering support. He had glared at the Gryffindors at the table when they started to whisper when he and Hermione had sat down.

"Ignore them," he said, firmly noticing her sad gaze. "They are a bunch of prats for believing such rot." Harry tried to brush away the accusing voice in his head; if you didn't believe it, why did you go to see Snape last night?

Hermione turned to give him a thankful smile. "What's wrong Harry?" she asked alarmed seeing him pale as he looked over her shoulder.

"Er, nothing." He turned back to his food. Professor Snape was approaching the Gryffindor table and Harry knew he was coming to speak to him.

Harry had waited at the stone gargoyle outside Dumbledore's office for over a half-hour for Professor Snape this morning. He had not shown up and Harry had gotten hungry and went down to the great hall, only to see that Professor Snape was already at breakfast.

He hoped that Snape would at least not mention why he wanted to talk with him in front of Hermione.

"Miss Granger, I would like a word with you in my office when you are finished."

Harry looked at him puzzled. Surely he wasn't going to tell Hermione what he had done.

"Something the matter Potter?" Snape asked, eyeing him intently.

"No sir," Harry said weakly.

"Tell Professor Flitwick where I have gone Harry," Hermione said as she got up to follow Professor Snape.

Harry couldn't help but notice the increased whispering along the table as Hermione and Snape left the hall.

****

"Please sit down," Severus said as he sat behind the desk. Hermione sat gingerly on an overstuffed mahogany colored sofa. She looked at him apprehensively having an idea what he was going to talk about.

"First I must apologize for yesterday." He held her gaze as he spoke quietly. "My actions were inappropriate. Second, because of someone noticing the exchange between us, I believe you are aware of a rumor concerning our relationship being circulated in my own house." Hermione nodded her cheeks flushing.

Severus hid his own discomfort as he explained to her what Dumbledore had suggested. "It is only for a few more days. Basically we just will stay silent on the matter if someone questions. As with most rumors it will be forgotten by the start of the next term."

Again Hermione nodded, staring at him a moment. He could see she wanted to say something.

"Miss Granger, you may speak freely here." He gave her a slight smile, "I promise I will not take house points away for anything you want to say to me."

"I wanted to say I think I understand," she blushed, "why you kissed me." He raised his eyebrows waiting. "The fault is entirely mine. I know how I act at certain times, honestly I don't mean to and try desperately hard to fight it."

"I have no doubt," he said gently, wanting her to continue.

"And I realize that when you kissed me, you only wanted to show me that I truly did not want the pain that I thought I desired."

Severus was amazed at her reasoning. "Indeed," he said smiling at her once more, "However, Miss Granger, the point is still that I should not have done so."

"I am glad that you did," she said resolutely, though her face flushed brightly. "It...well...it allowed me to think...to get my resolve back."

Severus laughed. "I don't know if that was a compliment or not. But either way I am glad that I did manage to help you no matter how much I bungled the situation."

Hermione looked at him in disbelief. She had been very embarrassed at the thought of having a conversation like this with him yet she found herself relaxed. They were talking like equals, each sharing and giving. 'He does have a pleasant smile' she thought.

"Professor, may I ask you a question?"

"Yes, as I said you are free to speak here."

Swallowing she looked him squarely in the eye. "I feel, don't ask me to explain it, that you know what I am experiencing." She took a deep breath, "and I want to know why? Why do I feel the desire for...well...not sex..." she faltered embarrassed.

"But what Lucius has to offer?"

Studying her, he wondered how much should he really tell her about the experience she had undergone at Lucius' hand.

Rising from his seat behind the desk he walked over and sat down next to her. "Tell me Hermione," his voice was soft and it sent a shiver through her, "do you know what the word 'sadistic' means?"

Biting on her lip, she thought for a moment. "It means unusually cruel, and is derived from a man's name, the Marquis de Sade. He was a French author who took pleasure from subjecting young girls to various sexual atrocities."

"You are correct as usual, Miss Granger. He was a sadist as is Lucius Malfoy. They relish in inflicting pain, torture and the power they have over their victim that gives them the impression of immortality.

"I suppose you can call it an 'art' in seduction. Too much and you kill your victim, too little and you leave them feeling violated but not drawn into the darkness, to the place where you will crave their touch." Watching her intently he allowed her a moment to think about this.

"Is it something taught to Death Eaters... I mean the 'art' of doing that to another human being?"

Severus gave a dry laugh. "I would be safe in saying that most of Voldemort's servants do have the makings of a true sadist among other deviant perverted labels, but no, it is not 'taught' at Death Eater meetings. Lucius learned from his father, as Draco is learning from him."

"That still doesn't explain why," Hermione began, her eyes bright as she looked at him. "Am I really a person drawn to the darkness of ...that?"

"No child," Severus said quickly. "I take it from what you told us under the Veritaserum that you had never had an intimate relationship before, correct?"

She nodded, her cheeks red.

"Your first sexual experience was at the hands of a master of deviance. He used your innocence and twisted the feeling of pain to pleasure and pleasure to pain. It is not only a seduction of the body but a subtle intrusion into the psyche. Do not believe for one moment that you truly desire that kind of treatment."

A tear slipped down her cheek. "Will I ever, I mean, will these feeling go away?"

"In time. When you have distanced yourself from the memories." He gave her a small smile, "and when you start becoming romantically involved with boys your own age..." She turned her face from him. "I see. Do you want to talk about it?" he questioned gently.

Shaking her head she gave him a wry smile. "Not really. It was only a reaction, I was thinking of Lucius the whole time. I do believe I traumatized the boy."

Severus tried to smile but found that he couldn't. "Hermione, give it time. You are young and strong willed. You can overcome this."

She studied him a moment. "How did you finally come to terms with it?"

Shocked, he looked at her incredulously. How had she guessed about his past?

"Please Professor," she said giving him a hard look. "Like I said, I don't know how, but I sense that you may have more knowledge in this than, well, just knowing about it second hand. Was it Lucius?"

Shaking his head, he studied her. Again the girl had surprised him. "No," he said quietly. "It was his father."

She nodded waiting for him to continue.

"It is not something I can tell you, Hermione," he said softly, not looking at her. "Let me say that I know exactly what you are going through. I endured it for years..."

Hermione felt her heart ache at the hidden sorrow tinged in his words. "I am sorry."

"No, it is I who am sorry. Sorry that you had endure what you did at Malfoy's hands. Fight it. Do not let the memories, or the desires win," he said angrily, startling her.

"It is about control, not to allow your emotions to surface, learning not to feel. When you allow pleasure into your life it can only be used to hurt and manipulate you later." He stood up his eyes blazing.

"How can you go through life not feeling? Never having pleasure?" she challenged nervously. "Surely if when you are with someone you care for..."

"Very simple. You do not allow yourself to care."

"You mean, you never, ever feel anything...even when you are intimate with someone?"

"Do not confuse intimacy with the base physical release."

Hermione felt overwhelmed; this was too much for her right now. She looked at him, feelings of sadness and pity welling up in her. He has never allowed himself to love anyone.

"I don't understand Professor," she said rising, "not yet anyway." She expected him to retort, to chide her for not being the know-it-all-Gryffinor as he had often done in class.

"Neither do I," he said soberly, his face becoming the impassive mask he wore so often. "I think it is time for you to get to your class Miss Granger."

Hermione knew the walls were back in place, the intimacy of their conversation over. She hesitated then went to him.

"Thank you," she said shyly as she put her arms around his waist giving him a brief hug.

Severus was silent a moment." You are welcome," he said gently, returning the hug.

****