A Rush of Feelings to the Remus

Remus lay on his bed whilst playing with a random elastic band he found in his room. He let it twist around his fingers, to form a flower like shape, then let go, and it smacked his index finger hard. Instead of frowning or holding his finger in pain, silently, as he usually would do, he laughed.

The whole time he was laughing (for no apparent reason), his mind urgently told him to stop; to stop laughing because it wasn't funny.

Why should he stop, though? Did there always have to be a reason to laughing? Must laughing always be caused because of something entertainingly amusing happening?

Yes!

"Oh, Remus, you've become psychotic."

"Definitely. You're even talking to yourself."

"Merlin, I am." He shook his head, vigorously, and stood up, hands clenching his hair in irritation. What was happening? When did he get so...crazy?

"When Sirius died."

"I don't want to talk about that."

"That moment when he fell through the veil. You told Harry he was gone. You didn't believe it yourself, did you?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Became very depressed, didn't you?"

"...Yes."

"You're nothing without Sirius. When James died, when Peter 'died' and you believed Sirius to be the traitor, there was no point to your existence, was there?"

"No. No, there wasn't."

"Then, thank Merlin's beard, you found Sirius again! The truth was out. How happy you were."

"How happy I was." He smiled at the memory, eyes brightening. His hands let go of his hair, automatically, and flopped at his sides in relaxation.

"Now, though, now there's not even Sirius to talk to; no Sirius to cheer you up; no Sirius to-"

"Shut up! Be quiet!" His arm muscles tensed, fists clenched, and he shook his head in frustration; his already shaggy hair becoming even messier and falling over his eyes.

"Just like Sirius' hair sat over his stormy, grey eyes."

"Just like Sirius' hair did," replied Remus, absent mindedly nodding his head in agreement.

"Would you like a cup of tea?"

Remus laughed out loud; barked just like Sirius does. Used to.

Why was he laughing now?

"Because I asked you if you wanted a cup of tea."

"Classic! I mean, how do you do it? Change from such a heart wrenching subject so suddenly?" he asked the other, whilst jumping from left to right, arms out in front of him and knees bent. Just like a mad human being would do.

"You tell me."

He breathed out heavily, and allowed himself to be thrown onto the bed again.

"Where's my elastic band? I Want it."

"It's on the floor, under your bed. Bend over now, and reach out for it."

Remus bent over, stretching his back muscles in pain. How long had it been since he left his apartment, anyway? As he searched for the band, in an almost frantic action, dust blew out everywhere; like a dust storm. What were those boxes over there? He forgot about his elastic band and, with his hands, all magic forgotten, slid over two dust covered boxes. Tired of bending over and becoming dizzy, due to the rush of blood to his head, he fell onto the floor and roared out in laughter and pain. What a strange noise that made.

Not bothering to blow the dust off the lid, he opened one of the boxes. "Photos-"

"Of Sirius, James and Peter."

"And myself."

"Of course. Wipe the dust, you can hardly see their faces."

"Sirius' face..." His finger lightly wiped the dust from the photograph in slow movements. Half of him wanted to see the picture, to sit in his room for the rest of his life and stare at it. The other half didn't even want to see their faces; to see the photographs which would surely bring back many memories. Memories he'd rather not think about at the moment.

"Look at how happy you all were."

"Those were the days. Look at James! He's ruffling his hair and looking somewhere else. I bet Lily was nearby," he said, smiling.

"And look at Sirius. He's grinning at you. What are you doing in the photo, Remus?"

Remus looked at himself and saw his face. So that's what he looked like when he was embarrassed? He looked as though he was in turmoil, and he probably was, standing so close to Sirius, who was grinning at him, ear to ear. He remembered being such a shy, awkward teenager. Sirius never made things easier looking like that.

"Looking like what?"

"Like that," he answered. His fingers independently stroked Sirius' face and they allowed themselves to work downwards until his face became viewable again.

"What about Peter?"

"What about him?"

"What's he doing?"

"He's just managed to wind James up by kicking the back of his knees and making him buckle. James doesn't look too happy..."

"So you loved Peter as well, then?"

"No!" He looked at Peter, who was in stitches and hiding from James behind Sirius, whilst Remus was smiling at the sight. "Yes. I did love Peter. I loved them all."

"You still do."

A drop of salty water suddenly dropped from his right eye and hit the box lid making a loud 'clink'. What was that?

"A tear, silly. It was a tear. You're crying."

"I'm not crying! I don't cry."

"You do. You do it often. In your sleep when you're crying out for Sirius Black, the last link to your youth and the memories they hold."

A painful lump formed in Remus' throat and it threatened to break him if he swallowed. No problem, he was already in a state anyway. He swallowed deep and hard, and out came the tears. More and more of them slid down his cheeks. Some rested on his lips and some ended up on the edge of his chin before jumping onto the floor, making equally loud noises.

"Stop it! I don't want to do this anymore. Please, just leave me. Just let me lie on my bed with my elastic band, let me laugh at whatever I want, even if it's not funny, just let me stay here. Please?" he pleaded.

No answer.

"Are you gone?"

Nothing. Not a sound.

He began shaking, uncontrollably. He wrapped his arms around his small body and rocked back and forth. "Don't go! Please, come back...I don't want to be here alone. I'm sorry that I made you angry. Please! Come back?"

"How about that cup of coffee?"

"You said you wanted tea."

"No. I asked you if you wanted tea."

"Exactly. It was tea. Not coffee...Tea. You asked me if I wanted tea, I laughed at you, and you changed the subject. It was not coffee, it was tea. Tea, tea, TEA."

"You've made your point. Tea it is then."

Remus began laughing again, but this time it wasn't the ordinary laugh. Or the barking laugh adapted from Sirius. It was a twisted laugh; a bitter laugh. It was obvious that he didn't find anything funny. Why was he laughing then? What was this?

"I don't know what it is, I don't know! Won't somebody help me, here? I need my elastic band. Why won't you help me?"

"Look at the other box, you haven't seen what's in it."

"Isn't 'tea' such a funny little word?"

"So it is. What's in the other box, Remus?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

"Open it."

Remus did as he was told and violently lifted the box and tipped it over, impatiently. "Well, why don't we have a look? What's this?"

"A letter. What does it say?"

"Who's it from?"

"It doesn't say. It's ripped off. But I know. I'd recognize that messy scribble anywhere. I remember this letter too...It's from Sirius."

"Was from Sirius."

"Right. Was."

"Did you join them, then?"

"I did. I never missed a prank. I was the 'goodie two shoes' of them all, but I never missed one single prank."

"Except for that one in which Sirius tried to get Snape killed through you."

"That wasn't a prank."

"Of course."

"It wasn't. Sirius would never, in his right mind, deliberately do anything to affect me badly. He'd never-"

"You forget, Remus, that it's-"

"Oh right, he's dead now, isn't he? So I have to keep talking in the past tense, of course. How could I forget? I mean, I've obviously forgotten Sirius has died, haven't I?"

"Seems like it. Or perhaps you'd like to forget."

"Yes."

"But it wouldn't make a difference. He's gone, forever, whether you're prepared to take it in or not."

"Be quiet," he hissed, fists clenching once again. "Go away, just leave me. In fact, I don't care if you never come back. You have no right invading my privacy and telling me what to say, and forcing me to look at these...these memories! I'm not ready and, I admit, I probably never will be. Now you can take that and leave, or you can not take that and still leave. Leave now, and never come back."

...Nada.

"Good riddance."

A moment alone, and Remus found himself switching moods every few seconds. He began with laughing at his victory over the other before that wonderfully blended into a stifled cry, then abruptly changing into a pained laugh and sob, both at once. Truth of the matter was that he'd never see those days again. Those days when the four of them would plan their next mischievous activity out on Hogwarts' grounds, usually by the Whomping Willow because nobody dared come close so there'd be no chance they'd be overheard. Those days were forever gone. He could sit in his room all day for the rest of his life and laugh, cry, shout and sing about it with his wonderful elastic band (his only friend), or he could get out there and face the world again. Face the world and pretend to be okay, just like he had to years ago when James and Lily died. Face the world and smile outside whilst seething inside. In all honesty, Remus was too tired for that all over again. Too tired for the sympathetic words, too tired for absolutely anything.

A gentle knock on the door, and the voice of an old man asked, "are you in there?"

Suddenly, Remus jumped and looked around, suspicious of his surroundings. "Where's that music coming from?"

"Your head, boy, it's all in your head and it will never leave."