The Adventures of Lord Voldemort

Riddle Estate

God Knows Where

Thursday

Dear Diary,

Damn that Lucius Malfoy! Damn him! He ruined my life today! He ruined Hot Pocket Thursday! And the worst part of it was that he was completely unaware that it was Hot Pocket Thursday! Everyone knows that Thursdays are Hot Pocket Thursdays! It says so in the Death Eater Newsletter! Well, right in the middle of my grand finale of the Hot Pocket Dance that git comes in telling me that Harry Potter has a weakness. Um...Do I care on Hot Pocket Thursday? NO! Well of course I hexed him. My life is really difficult. I think I'll institute a swear fine, a galleon for Harry Potter. Two for Albus Dumbledore.

Love,

Tommikins        

Riddle Estate

Grave Yard

Saturday

Dear Diary,

Once again, worst day of my life. It's like no one cares about my feelings. I mean sure, I am He Who Must Not Be Named, but I have feelings too. today was tragic. I decided that even though it isn't Thursday, I wanted a Hot Pocket. I cooked it and I let it cool for 5 minutes. I open my mouth to take a bite of heaven and it burned me! IT BURNED ME! Does it know who I am? I think I'll have a skiing minibreak with the Death Eaters. You wouldn't think it, but Crabbe and Goyle are surprisingly good skiers. Lucius owes me 13 galleons.

Love,

Tommikins

St. Moritz, Switzerland

Atop the Triple Diamond Mountain of Certain Death (that's its real name)

Black Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Damn these Chairlifts! Damn Switzerland! Damn Snow! My life is really ruined! I don't know who's idea it was to come to St. Moritz for minibreak. Mexico would have been fun. At least I would have gotten tan instead of snow-burned. It all started at the Ski-Rental Shack. The employee asked me how experienced I was. How was I supposed to know he meant skiing? After that very embarrassing experience we went skiing. Lucius and Bella were being show-offs. They suggested we go on this craggy-unmarked trail. Little did I know that it was called The Craggy Unmarked Trail of Hell. I fell! I fell on my white-snake ass all the way down. Crabbe and Goyle pointed and laughed. It wasn't a boost of confidence to my self-esteem. then they talked me into going on this mountain of certain death. I absolutely refuse to! I'm waiting for a St. Bernard to rescue me. Or a Snow Patrol Man. I’d like to ride his snow mobile. Lucius owe me 56 galleons.

Love,                                        

Tommikins

Riddle Manor

Who Knows Where

Grave Yard

Wednesday

Dear Diary,

Back in England. Really dreadful here. Not as dreadful as the minibreak, though. It smells like farts. I told Goyle to take Beano. He didn't listen. Speaking of Gastro-Intestinal Problems, the hotle bathroom looked dirty so I didn't go in it for 5 days. So I couldn't...er..do my business for 5 days. so right now I'm really plugged up. Ok...I'm really constipated. Bella is no help. She just pints and giggles. Sometimes I think I need to find a new wench women. I wonder if Minerva McGonagel could be of service? Well, anyway, Lucius told me to take Ex-Lax. Like I'd listen to him! Anyone, we're all out. I think the house-elf stole it. Lucius felt it was necessary to tell Bella that I'm butt-plugged for a different reason other than constipation. He owes me 13 galleons.

Love,

Tommikins

Hogsmeade

HogsHead

Next to a Banshee

Friday

Dear Diary,

It was yet again a horrible day. Why does everyone ignore my feelings? I made Crabbe go to the Apothecary and get Ex-Lax. It worked wonders. I thought it would be fun to have a Death Eater Dance. Sort of like a mixer, Death Eater need to know each other. I thought a pirate of Penzance theme would be fun. Bella thought having a whore house would be fun. Sometimes I wonder why she hasn't died of an STD. Well, my idea was vetoed. I don't know why though. I am the Supreme Overlord of the Dark Arts! Snape's Idea was picked. Stupid Snape. A greasy haired git is what he is. So we're having a Venetian Carnival! O Joy! I already had my pirate uniform ready. I was going to be Captain Jack Sparrow! Lucius tells me that the ladies really like him. Why would I care what the ladies like? I just wanted the cutest tights! I hope Bella barfs on the cotton candy like last year. That was funny. Maybe Lucius will get drunk on Gin and Vodka and start talking about how he is single-handedly is responsible for all Semi-Truck Muggle Deaths. I like him better when he's drunk. He owes me 7 galleons.

Love,

Tommikins