Goodnight, My Angel

She felt a shiver run down her spine. He's coming. He knows. It was Peter all along. She looked over to James, knew he could feel it too, and they exchanged the mournful look of two people who know their time together is over. Neither one moved. Neither one spoke.

The cosy little living room of their house in Godric's Hollow had been almost silent ever since dinner, but only now did Lily realise it had been too quiet. True, it had felt strange all day, but she'd thought it was only because it was the first time in years that they hadn't been celebrating Halloween with the rest of their friends. Somehow, even homemade pumpkin juice just couldn't compare to the company of Sirius and Remus and Peter (that sonofabitch rat how could he do this to us I'll kill him I'll kill him) and Arabella and Albus.

But she had only realised just how wrong things were when their owl, Yolen, gave a soft, mournful hoot - and she'd realised no other bird sounds were coming from outside. The crickets and frogs had gone silent, too. The creatures knew what was coming.

Even Harry (oh my beautiful son I'll protect you somehow I promise I will I won't let him get you I won't let the bogeyman get you) was quiet, her darling Harry who was normally only quiet when he wasn't awake. Tonight he had sat almost motionless in his playpen, not demanding with his giggles and coos that James play with him or Lily read to him. He just sat, forehead furrowed, vaguely worried about something he could not understand.

She was reluctant to speak, as though not acknowledging what both of them knew was coming would keep it from happening. She bit her lip, then blurted out, "Aren't you even going to kiss me goodbye?"

He closed his eyes and smiled wistfully, and Lily crossed the room, scooping up Harry and then finally sitting next to her husband. She leaned over and kissed him, simply, tenderly. She could taste the salt of his tears as they slid down his cheeks and into her mouth.

"Don't, please, you'll get me started too," she said, sniffling a little as she shifted Harry's weight to her other leg. "And we won't be in any condition to fight him off if we're sobbing, either," she added.

"Oh, Lily. Always so practical," James sighed, half joking. How strange it feels, she thought, to be kidding around when you know you're about to die. "Speaking of, don't you think you'd better take Harry somewhere and let me answer the door?"

She nodded. "I can try to hide Harry... then I'll come back and fight with you." She looked determined. But James's resolve was equal.

He shook his head. "No. You have to run. Harry can't get far on his own, Lily..." he smiled, undoubtedly thinking of the first steps his son had taken not too long ago. "If both of us are dead, we're no use to him at all. No matter how well you hide him... you know he'll be found eventually. You have to run. It's his only chance." He touched her shoulder, and his brown eyes connected meaningfully with her green. "It's the only chance."

She knew he was right, and so she stood. "I love you," James whispered. "And I love you, Harry."

"Wuv 'oo, too, daddy," Harry smiled, tiny baby teeth exposed in his first smile all evening. Lily bit her lip as hard as she could, trying to ignore the stinging in her eyes.

"Go," James said, softly but firmly, pulling his wand from his cloak. "Hide in the kitchen until he gets in here. Then go out the back. I'll yell something when he gets inside."

She nodded, still biting her lip, trying to suppress the subversive thoughts (yes, if you get the chance) that flitted, unwelcome, through her head. "I love you too, James."

He smiled, genuinely. "I know. Now go."

So she went, whispering to Harry as she carried him into the kitchen. "I need you to be very quiet, sweetie, can you do that for me?"

He whispered back, apparently understanding the gravity of the situation. "Okay, mommy. See, shhhh...."

"Ooh, good job." She crouched, hiding herself and her most precious possession in that little nook next to the refrigerator - close to the door. She stroked Harry's hair, more to calm herself than him, wondering if this would be the last time she would get to hold him. They waited. It seemed like an eternity that she crouched there, heart pounding. The tension in the air was so thick she could feel it when she breathed in, it was choking her. How could she run if she could not breathe? And then, suddenly, the awful silence was broken; everything was set in motion, and it was more awful than the silence.

"Lily, take Harry and go!" James's voice was too loud. "It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!"

She burst out of the kitchen and ran, clutching Harry tightly to her chest, into the deep woods surrounding Godric's Hollow. She willed herself not to think, not to hear the horrible words that echoed in the night (oh God no God please no James!), the words that meant her husband was dead. She had to protect her son. So she ran. Ran as hard and fast as she could (dear God legs burning eyes stinging but keep going Lily keep going), somehow managing not to trip over anything. But as she made her way through the blinding darkness, she could feel his horrible, cruel red eyes burning into her, following her, seeing right through her. It was no use running. She had known that. James had known that. But how could they not have tried?

"Accio Potter!" cried the unnaturally cold, high voice. She tried to resist, digging her bare heels and all her resolve into the black earth, skidding along the ground of the forest. She tried to summon her wand to her hand - the silent spell she had practised so many times, just in case - but she could not resist him at the same time. It was no use. She looked down at her son, the tufts of black hair (oh James what did he do to you and honey did it hurt and will I find out soon oh why did we switch the secret keepers why didn't we know I thought we were supposed to be so clever) sticking out every which way, the green eyes that mirrored her own.

Harry looked up at her, his little face sad. "Why?" he said.

She knew it was only his new favourite word, knew that it meant nothing. But it put her over the edge; the tears finally came. "I don't know, sweetie," she whispered (I'm so sorry Harry so sorry we couldn't protect you and sorry we'll never watch you grow up and sorry you won't ever go to Hogwarts and make a best friend and get married and have a beautiful baby boy of your own I'm sorry you'll never have what I had what your father and I had because oh my darling Harry you deserve it just as much as we ever did), sobbing into his hair. "I don't know."

Voldemort had summoned her to his feet; she steeled herself for what she knew was to come. She had promised herself she would not be afraid if (when?) she met him face to face, and she was not. She had promised herself that she would not beg for her life, and she did not. But she had never, ever promised herself that she would not beg for the life of her son, and this she did.

She looked up at the vile countenance before her, the tears still trickling from her eyes. "No! Not Harry... please, no, take me, kill me instead," she pleaded. She looked down again at Harry, started rocking him in her arms without knowing why, as though if she loved him hard enough (oh Harry no matter what happens I'll always love you please know how much I'll always love you and goddamn it I won't let him hurt you I won't let him do this to you) it would somehow protect him from the most powerful Dark wizard there had been for centuries.

Voldemort narrowed his eyes. Was this some kind of trick? Surely nobody would voluntarily give their life for someone else's... "Stand aside, you silly girl. Stand aside now."

"Not Harry," she cried again. "Please... have mercy... have mercy..." Her voice faded to a whisper. "He's only a child..."

"You give me no choice, then. Stupid girl." She held on to Harry tighter than ever, closed her eyes (I'm sorry Harry so sorry I love you so much Harry and sweetie I'm so sorry) and braced for the worst.

"Avada Kedavra!"

The flash of green light (I would have saved you if I could have please sweetheart you have to know I tried to save you because I love you Harry and I WON'T LET HIM HURT YOU) hit her forehead; she thought no more. She did not fall immediately, but rather swayed slightly before she fell backwards to the ground. bright green eyes screwed shut against the blast. Harry landed gently, safely, on top of her chest. And as her body, still warm and soft, hit the leaves of the forest, her son began to wail.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: this fic was inspired by "Lullaby (Goodnight, my Angel)," a song by Billy Joel. The lyrics touched me so much, I thought I'd share them -

Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go, no matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight my angel, now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight my angel, now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry, and if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart, there will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone, but lullabyes go on and on
They never die, that's how you and I will be