CATastrophe

CATastophe

File the Third: Say goodbye to your sanity!

"Come on 'Mione! You've got to take him. The poor fellow doesn't know where to go."

"But I already have a cat. I didn't want him in the first place. Anyway, why can't you two keep him in your room anymore, what happened?"

I, Granger, happened to be a f***ing genius!

Ron held Draco in his arms, stroking the tomcat continuously, giving it a sympathetic look. "Well, you were right. Somehow... Harry really seems to be allergic to him."

"You know I don't like to tell you that, but -"

"You knew, I know," Ron sighed.

Yeah, and thanks for the hint, Granger. - "Purr"

"And how is he?"

"He's in the infirmary."

Yes, and hopefully - "Purr" - he isn't far from a good graveyard. - "Purrrr"

"What?!?"

Take it easy, Granger. - "Purr" - All saints go to heaven!

"Harry will be all right. The question, however, is, can you take him? I mean, the poor kitty..." He gently rubbed Draco behind the ear.

"Purr" - Today even your infantile manner, Weasley - "Purr" - can't spoil my mood.

"He has no place else to go. I mean, he is not like Crookshanks. He couldn't live on the Hogwarts grounds. Can you imagine him catching mice?" At this the tomcat hissed and petulantly jumped from Ron's arms.

I could catch a deer, if I wanted to. I mean, I practically did away with Potter. Why should I even bother with mice?

Hermione looked down at Draco and grinned maliciously. "No, he isn't capable of that."

We'll see what I'm capable of, Granger.

"See?"

She gave the pet a considering glance. "Well, I could keep him. If Crookshanks is okay with him."

This ugly beast should feel grateful to share his quarters with me. YOU, Mudblood, should feel honoured!

Ron smiled happily and bent down to pat Draco once more. He endured it graciously. The Gryffindor then looked up at his friend again. "You know, if you're going to keep him, I'd have to spend a lot of time in your room." He gave her a boyish seductive grin. "I'd have to feed him, and look after his loo," his tone of voice became somewhat lurid in nature "Maybe I'd even have to brush his fur." Draco looked up at him wide-eyed.

What the...?

"You know," Ron continued, "this would give us a lot of time alone together in your room...." Draco turned away and pretended to throw up in a corner.

Puke.

Hermione returned Ron's smile knowingly. "Well, maybe he is a blessing in disguise in the end."

Puke. Vomit. I - Suddenly a huge fur ball escaped his mouth - What the heck is that?!

Hermione finally turned to look at him. "Urgh! Hope he doesn't do that in my room."

What did I...?

"Maybe he still needs some exercise." Ron chuckled. It was a sign of how utterly shocked Draco felt that he didn't scratch Weasley's eyes out.

Does this mean... did I lick my... I think I'm going to be sick. Dignity, Draco, dignity!

"Well, at least it's nice to see that there's something natural about him. He's only a cat after all."

Yes, it's completely natural. Dignity.

"It won't happen again, if I brush him regularly. So, are you going to take him?"

Hermione looked from Ron to the tomcat, and then back at her boyfriend, considering for a moment. The way the little thing was staring transfixed at its furball was somehow cute. After all, he was only a cat!

"Okay, since you seem to like him so much, I think, I could take him." It was only then that Draco snapped out of his shock. He looked up at Hermione. Wondering.

As long as I can't turn back... this could be fun. Granger, I'll drive you mad!

And to everybody's surprise he went over to her and began to weave around her legs. Hermione looked up at Ron and blinked. "What's the matter with him now?"

A pity that she apparently doesn't have any psychosomatic problems. Well, I'll find another way to take her breath away.

"Maybe he wants to thank you." Ron smiled. "I sometimes have the feeling he understands what we're saying. He is so smart."

Sceptical, Hermione bent down to stroke the cat. For the first time, it didn't try to scratch her. "Well, I hope he doesn't understand everything, Ron."

No, I'm only a cat. Tell me your darkest secrets. I promise you, I'll keep them safe.

She took him carefully up and carried him into her room. As a Prefect, she had this room to herself and had been partly responsible for furnishing it as well. Despite himself, Draco had to admit that she had some sense for furnishings. She put him down and he began to stroll around the room.

Gosh! Teacher's darling has half a library here! Trust the know-it-all to have a whole wall full of bookshelves. Hope she's got none about Animagi....

Making a mental note to investigate the shelves later, his view trailed to Hermione's desk. His attention was immediately caught! Over one end of the desk hang a mirror. Magically drawn to it, he jumped up onto the desk and stood in front of it.

I haven't had a good look at me since yesterday. Let's see....

"We still need to name him," Ron said thoughtfully, sitting down on the bed.

"Yes...," Hermione said absentmindedly. Her attention was on the tomcat. What the heck did he do there? Did he just... attempt to straighten his whiskers with his paw?!

Yeah, that's better!

Just then he caught Granger staring. Ron wasn't looking. For a short moment he stretched out his tongue at her.

Yes, Granger, my looks are attention-grabbing, I know.

She blinked. And shook her head, turning to Ron. "You're still sure, you don't want to call him Draco, are you?"

"Yes. Yes, I mean if it was a cold-blooded reptile, perhaps we could name him that, but we can't just do that to a poor little kitty."

Draco just turned around in front of the mirror to get a good glance at his tail, ignoring Weasley, soothed by his own good looks.

"How about Sugartuft?" That did it! Draco shot around to stare menacingly at Weasley.

Only name me that, if you want to wake up next to Potter in the infirmary!

"Ron!"

"Well, it was only a suggestion."

He really hadn't any need to witness this. He strolled over to the bathroom door, which was left open in a conveniently cat-sized gap.

"Look! The way he walks. He's so posh!"

"He's not posh! He's -"

But Draco didn't want to know what Weasley thought he was. Inside the bathroom his attention was again caught by a huge mirror. Even more interesting this time, however, was what stood on the shelf next to the sink.

Let's see...

Skilfully he hopped onto the toilet seat, making sure not to fall inside. He craned his neck around to have a good look at the contents of the shelf.

So that's what a girl has in her bathroom? Well, not much difference. Her shelf is almost as full as mine.

He read the labels.

My shampoos, conditioners, and perfumes are better, of course. But the toothpaste looks good. 'Complete Plus with whitener crystals.' Got to find out where she got that one....

After he was finished with the shelf, he gave a considering look down.

Well, while we're here...

Nature was calling.

But how am I... Sh**!

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

"We should simply call him Posh. I bet he'll listen to that soon," Hermione said. She stood up and crossed the room.

"But that's no name!"

"And 'Honeypuh' is?"

"Well..."

"Wait a minute, will you?" She entered the bathroom. This discussion was so ridiculous! She turned to the toilet to find... a peeing tomcat sitting on it. She stared! He glared!

OUT!!! "Meoooooooooow!"

She couldn't tear her eyes off the scene. This was incredible!

After the initial shock of being caught in the act, Draco got a grip on himself. Granger's look was priceless. He tried to produce a grin. His canine teeth showed. He stood up on the seat again and with a grin stretched out for the string to flush the toilet. He caught it and pulled.

Say goodbye to your sanity, Granger. And down it goes! Bye, bye.

The flush, however, pulled Hermione out of her shock. "Roooooon! Come here. You've got to see this!" When he came, she pointed at Draco. "Look at this!"

Ron looked over at the tomcat. He stood on the toilet toying innocently with the string.

"What's the matter, 'Mione?"

"He... he peed into the toilet and then... then he flushed it down! He -"

Ron raised a worried eyebrow. "Hermione, he's only playing. What are you on about?"

Yeah, Granger, what? Tell him again. Makes you sound so smart!

"He..."

But Ron wasn't paying attention anymore. He looked almost smitten with the charming kitty.

"This is soooooooo cute! I think I've got it! Let's call him 'Loo'" Draco immediately stopped hitting the string with his paw and turned to Ron, jumping down from the seat.

Lou? This was an almost acceptable suggestion....

Hermione, too, was looking at Ron. "You mean like Louis?"

"No, I mean 'Loo' with double 'o', you know."

"You want to call him 'Toilet'?" Hermione asked incredibly.

Draco was dumbstruck. This was too much! He couldn't stay with those two one minute longer. How was he ever to relax enough to turn back with those two? He needed a break from all this!

He left the bathroom and exited Hermione's room as well, leaving the humans to themselves. He had to think of something relaxing. He had to turn back until tomorrow night. Crabbe and Goyle were too stupid to notice his absence and even if by some chance they might, he could tell them the stupidest of lies and they'd swallow it. But he had to be himself again for classes on Monday.

He strolled around Gryffindor tower for one hour or two until hunger got the better of him. Maybe a good breakfast would do it. Maybe he would relax.... Maybe - he would find his greatest horror in Hermione's room!!!

EWWWWWWW! Weasley and... the Mudblood...? Now it would take ages to EVER - RELAX - AGAIN!

Ron pulled away from Hermione's lips, and winked at Draco.

"There you are, Looposh. Want your breakfast?" Draco could do nothing but stare. Hermione turned to him, looking flushed.

Oh, the horror...

She smiled down at the cat, a malicious glint in her eyes. "Yes, Looposh. I've got something tasty for you. How about some... cookies?" 'We'll see who has to say goodbye first!'

***