An Inner Distrust

An Inner Distrust Harry awoke that morning to the sound of his own rapid breathing. He had had the dream again...why wouldn't it leave him alone! Why did insist on tormenting him. It could never be! It wasn't meant to be...or was it? Maybe that's why he was having the reoccurring dream. No! Nightmare. It couldn't be meant to be! It just couldn't. He had avoided ever being put in that situation. He was Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, the Champion of the goddamn world, the victor of the battle of good versus evil! He could not love! Not anymore then he already did. He had already put too many people at risk... The Weasley's loved him. They treated him like he was their own son, Hermione loved him, and Ron loved him. They were his best friends and they had stood by him in everything, dangerous or not. He had put them at risk many times, but their love and trust in him had never wavered. He had even become friends with Draco Malfoy at the end of their 6th year. It seems that something in Draco had snapped and he had no longer wanted to follow in his father's footsteps...he had even saved Harry's life. Harry suspected however, that Draco's change of heart came around when he realized he was in love with a muggle born witch-Hermione. Ron was not so pleased with this, but soon came to terms with it. He just leaves the room whenever Draco and Hermione became too affectionate. Ron...he was quite an unusual guy, always trying to set himself apart from his brothers. Always trying to come out on top. Harry was sure that Ron had some inner strife of his own, when it came to the thirst to prove himself. His brothers had all either been Head-Boy or Quidditch Captain, his best friend was the “Famous” Harry Potter, his other best friend the cleverest witch to ever enter Hogwarts. Harry and Hermione were Head boy and girl, once again leaving Ron in the shadows. They never meant to, it had just always seemed to happen. But things were going better for Ron, he and Seamus had a wonderful relationship (although when Ron first came out of the closet he and Harry didn't have that great of a relationship). For the first time in ages, Harry was able to feel good about life, enjoy being with his friends, and then these damned dreams started plaguing him. Always the same dream; with him waking up in a cold sweat breathing rapidly at the exact same time every morning. The dream...was telling him that he was in love, but he had rejected the idea of loving someone that way for so long...especially with her. The damn dream. A dream where he would be wondering around the castle late at night, searching for something, and he would always end up waiting and smoking a damn cigarette outside of the Slytherin common room. He would sit there for ages...and do nothing but blow smoke rings. Then she would emerge in a black slip dress. It was very uncharacteristic of her to where something so skimpy. He would clear his throat and she would turn and gasp. “What are you doing here?” He always smiled after she asked that. “I followed you.” “Why?” “Because I felt like it.” “This isn't you at all Harry.” “Oh for fuck's sake! How would you know? I'm not even sure who I am anymore!” “Well I do know who you are. I always have, I've always been able to look past your fame at the beautiful person underneath of it all.” “Sure.” He would scoff “I have! I've loved you my entire life!” “Oh, I see! That's why you've slipped off to the Slytherin common room for quick shag! I should have guessed.” “You're an asshole!” “And you're a slut.” At this point she would always swing her arm out to slap him, and he would always catch her arm and pull her to him. “If you love me so much, why don't you show me?” Then he would kiss her and for what would seem like hours, the two would do nothing but explore the contents of each other's mouths with their tongues. Then she would pull away. “This is wrong.” “Why? Why is it wrong? I love you and you love me! Love isn't wrong!” He could feel tears stinging his eyes. “Oh Harry! So many years of being the strong one has taken its toll on you. Love can be wrong, and this time it is.” “No it's not. Stay. Please.” Tears would stream down his face, and she would start to walk away. “Stay!” he would call out again, “Please! If only for tonight! Stay! I know you want to.” She would always turn around then, and she too would be crying. “No Harry, not just for tonight. We can't do this, and we won't. I love you more then anything else in the world, but you know we can't.” “Why the hell not?” “Harry...” “It's not fucking fair! I love you.” “It's alright Harry it'll all work out.” Then she would walk away, and he would just stand there, leaning on the wall for support as his heart shattered, and would watch her walk away, possibly forever. “No it won't. It'll never be alright.” “I don't love her.” He said aloud. 'Yes you do' said his brain. He sighed, knowing that he was seeing the fate of his life in that dream. Love would escape him, and he would live life without it. He wondered if she ever thought about him, like he thought about her. He wondered if she lay in bad at night, cursing fate for their love, because their love was pointless. Harry lay back down, putting the dream from his head. Thinking of nothing, but the Quidditch match he had the next day. ************************************************* She lay in bed that night and thought about Harry, the wonderful and brilliant Harry Potter. The kind and forgiving Harry Potter. The skinny physique that had finally broadened with age and maturity, the same as always, messy black hair that contrasted so magnificently with his pale skin. The dazzling green eyes that sparkled with mischief and intelligence. She loved him so much! Did he know? Did he feel the same? But theirs was a love that could never be, not without too many complications...but God how she yearned for him! She remembered the dream that woke her...Harry's words. “Stay! Please! If only tonight.” She decided that if the dream ever became a reality, she would stay. She deserved to feel his love, and he needed to feel hers. Harry had become so distant. He still talked, laughed, and schemed as always, but she knew that inside he was troubled. Harry held the weight of the world on his shoulders and it was beginning to get to him. It would get to her too if she were in his shoes! Her heart ached for him, ached to love him, to hold him, and she began to cry. Through sobs she cursed God aloud, not caring if anyone heard. She hated him for doing this to her and Harry! Would things ever be right? She had to find a way...there had to be a way!! She would find a way to love Harry regardless of the circumstances. But how? How? She knew of only one person who could help. She got out of bed and started looking for her robe. Unable to find it she left, in only her tiny, black, satin, nightgown. She was going to rectify this problem; she had to talk to Draco. They were best friends. He would give her advice. She grabbed her wand and silently made her way, down to the common room, and out the portrait hole. Unable to sleep, Harry decided that he might as well go downstairs and wait for dawn. It would only be a couple of hours. He pulled on a pair of blue jeans, and a white button-down shirt over his plain white t-shirt. The button-down had been an old hand me down dress shirt of Dudley's but now that Harry had gotten taller it fit him rather well, and he liked the way it looked on him. Casual, but only just so. As he walked down the stairs, he saw someone take off out the portrait hole, he didn't know if it was because of the dream or not, but he decided to follow, and found himself, once again (or was it for the first time?) outside the Slytherin common room. He pulled out his cigarettes and cast an odorless charm so that it wouldn't smell and attract attention. He sat there blowing smoke rings and finally after what seemed like hours, he heard her. He cleared his throat; she turned around and gasped. “What are you doing here?” “I followed you.” “Why?” “Because I felt like it.” “This isn't you at all Harry.” “Oh for fuck's sake! How would you know? I'm not even sure who I am anymore!” “Well I do know who you are. I always have, I've always been able to look past your fame at the beautiful person underneath of it all.” “Sure.” He scoffed “I have! I've loved you my entire life!” “Oh, I see! That's why you've slipped off to the Slytherin common room for quick shag! I should have guessed.” “You're an asshole!” “And you're a slut.” She swung her arm out to slap him, but he caught it at her wrist and pulled her to him. “If you love me so much, why don't you show me?” Then he kissed her and for what would seem like hours, they did nothing but explore the contents of each other's mouths with their tongues. Then she pulled away. “This is wrong.” “Why? Why is it wrong? I love you and you love me! Love isn't wrong!” Harry could feel the tears stinging his eyes. “Oh Harry! So many years of being the strong one has taken its toll on you. Love can be wrong, and this time it is.” “No it's not. Stay. Please.” Tears were streaming down his face, and she started to walk away. “Stay!” he called out again, “Please! If only for tonight! Stay! I know you want to.” She turned around, and Harry saw that she was crying too. “No Harry, not just for tonight. We can't do this, and we won't. I love you more then anything else in the world, but you know we can't.” “Why the hell not?” “Harry...” “It's not fucking fair! I love you.” For a moment the two said nothing, and she decided that she was going to change their fate! She was going to take the initiative and keep their love intact. They needed each other. “I love you Harry...” But she couldn't do it. Fate was fate! So she said the first other thing to come to mind, the words, she was supposed to say. “It'll be alright Harry, it'll all work out.” She turned around and started to walk away, almost running, her shoulders shaking, tears careening down her cheeks. “It'll never be alright,” she thought to herself. She would have to find a way to either learn to ignore Harry for the rest of her life or find a way to love him openly, like she wanted to. “Stupid prophecy.” She thought to herself, why should they believe something some dead woman had said? Probably because the woman was Cassandra-the prophetess, the first true seer. She had never been wrong. Then an old saying passed through her head, surely something that cannot be changed or broken, can surely be bent? She would talk to Draco again tomorrow. They would think of something. “No it won't,” Harry thought as he watched her walk away, “It'll never be alright.” Not until we find a way around it. He cursed himself for letting this happen when he swore he wouldn't. Harry couldn't trust many people, and now it seemed that he couldn't even trust his own heart! At least what was left of it. He sat on the cold stone floor and lit another cigarette. If Voldemort were to show up at that very moment he would have just laid there and died. “Hell couldn't be so bad,” he reasoned, “I'm already surrounded by flames.” Read? Review!