Afterlife

Afterlife

You were never afraid of death, Sirius, my love. I was the one who feared it. You always let me crawl into your warm bed and you soothed me with gentle words and caresses, kissing my brow and whispering prayers under your breath.

I didn't believe in afterlife, only in the half-life of ghosts. I held no Christian conviction of heaven, nor Buddhist faith in reincarnation. To me death was the end, the nothingness. I feared that void more than words could express, but you understood. As I trembled in your arms I drew comfort from your body, from your words, even when I didn't believe them:

Don't fear death, James, it is the next great adventure. It comes to us all one day, my love. You must pray it is painless and swift, but do not pray to avoid it. That destroys the natural order of things.

I remember your disgust on learning that Flamel had created a Philosopher's Stone, your horror that a man would try to cheat death, your anger at my excitement.

But even then, you understood my fear, although you didn't share it.

Was it inevitable that I should die first?

It was painless my love, in the physical sense, and I suspect that is what you meant when we were boys. A brief anguished flash of green then I was dead. But the pain was unbelievable. My body gone but my heart continues, my Lily, my beautiful Lily, running in pain... my darling, darling boy.

Yes, I feared death, but I couldn't walk forever as a ghost. Perhaps it was the selfish part of me that couldn't stand to exist in a world without my Lily. Sirius, I wish I could have spoken to you, to have shared this with you, to have made sure you understood. But I didn't expect to die, didn't have time to tie all the loose ends. So many things left unsaid between us.

I know it had hurt you when I married, but growing to love Lily more didn't mean I loved you any less. I remember your smile at the wedding, your insistence at being the best man, even when I would have had Remus do it to save you the pain. I'm your best man, you said. How could I deny you that?

You smiled throughout the day, grinning even through your tears. To this day I do not know if they were tears of joy or of pain. So many things we didn't have time to lay to rest.

Even when I felt Lily die, when I couldn't bear to remain tied to the earth, the knowledge that you loved me, and that you would love my Harry, burned like a warming fire in my heart.

Do you remember the fire, Sirius? How we used to sit up late at night after my parents had gone to bed? Just sit, and gaze at the flames, and be together. Perhaps, when I was torn from you by that bolt of green light, you remembered and there was no more need of the words that I had never had a chance to say.

I know you kept on loving me, I could see it in your eyes, and I know it was reflected back in mine. Lily knew. She said there was always something about the two of us, so that she felt she only had half a husband, or that she had two. She said that you and I were the same person, ripped apart at birth and flung into two bodies. How come you got the gorgeous body, Siri? That's just typical of you.

Is it your belief in me that keeps me here to watch over you? Is it your love that makes my divine wings beat? I didn't believe in angels, but you had an icon, a guardian, over your bed. It used to smile down at me as I lay entwined in your naked arms. Benevolent, it seemed: granting its blessing.

So I did not choose to walk as a ghost, and yet my consciousness remains. I like to think I am like that icon of yours, but in truth I can do nothing but watch you. I cannot stretch out my ethereal arms to hold you. I cannot pull you back from harm. The pain you have been through, my love. You are stronger than anyone I know. The number of times I have wished to share with you my love and admiration of your bravery. Dearest, I suffered with you through those long, dark years of imprisonment. I felt your determination, and your guilt.

Do not feel guilty. I never blamed you for my death or for Lily's. How I wish you knew that. Your gaunt shoulders racked with starvation and grief, with pain. My love, don't you see I love you for what you have done? You gave my boy, although so very briefly, a chance at having a parent. There is no one I would rather he loved.

And then you gave yourself to save him, as selfless as always. While insubstantial tears ghosted down my face, I saw his torment and his love for you, and your anger and anguish in return. I saw your sacrifice for him, and now I prepare to welcome you to the afterlife where together we can watch him continue to be a credit to our love.