Trembling Hands

Trembling Hands

(Chardonnay. Cerys Matthews)

As she hears Lucius slam the door behind him, Narcissa pours a glass of wine with trembling hands. Somewhere between the table and her lips some of the liquid spills over the edge of the crystal and she carefully sets down the glass again and dabs ineffectually at the tiny stain on her viridian silk skirts.

He stomps up the stairs. She can tell he is in a furious mood and almost dares allow herself to hope.

Chardonnay, chardonnay, how I love you, chardonnay

As I reach to hold you with my trembling hands.

In my hands, my trembling hands.

The door of her parlour slams open with as much force as the front door banged shut. "The child lives," he snarls. Narcissa closes her eyes and hopes that he takes her anguish for shared fury and disappointment.

She steels her wavering voice. "What happened?" she asks softly. He probably doesn't hear, but he is in such a high rage that she knows he will tell her anyway.

"James tried to stop us and we killed him, then we went after the woman and the child. The fool wouldn't give him up, so we killed her and then tried to kill the child. The Dark Lord wanted to do it himself, even though we were capable. Something stopped him; the curse bounced back and he has fallen!"

A tear cascades over Narcissa's cheekbone. Either Lucius, in his anger, doesn't see, or he takes this as the proper reaction to his news.

The child lives. Her child lives. Narcissa clutches this little piece of comfort to her heart, wishing it was enough. It is more than she can understand, more than she wants to understand, that this baby survived the curse.

But Lily didn't.

Chardonnay, chardonnay, you'll be glad to hear me say

I will never need you more than I do now

As soon as he is gone she gulps back the wine and pours some more. She feels empty, vacant, numb. Lily is dead. 'The fool wouldn't give him up, so we killed her...' Lily is dead. Lily is dead.

In my hands, my trembling hands

Narcissa cannot comprehend 'Lily' and 'dead' in the same sentence. Lily was always so vibrant, so alive. Lily was what kept Narcissa alive through the last three years of school. Lily's happiness is what has allowed Narcissa to carry on living here in this mansion of shadows and dust.

It was Lily's kindness when Bellatrix had been bullying Narcissa that had started the friendship.

When I'm sad, sad and blue

You are my friend constant and true

Narcissa closes her eyes against the tears and remembers. Her fingers are still tightly twined around the crystal goblet, her hands shaking, trembling. She hasn't been this lost since...

I dedicate this night to you

...Lily's eyes were alight with green fire and Narcissa couldn't draw away. There was laughter, so much laughter. Nobody else Narcissa knew ever laughed. Bellatrix would smile in triumph or in scorn and Andromeda was always serious. Lily was a joy. Lily was happy. As Narcissa approached, Lily moved across the bed to make room for her. The candles glowed on Lily's skin, turning the peach to gold. Narcissa felt like ice and feared she would melt in the presence of this fiercely burning fire. This passion. Narcissa had never been so afraid. She could not still her trembling hands as she gently cupped Lily's soft breasts and heard a gentle intake of breath...

And I would like to take you home with me

But of course, they had always known that was impossible, so neither had ever voiced the thought. That would have been acknowledging its impossibility. Narcissa was betrothed to wealthy, powerful, icy Lucius. Even her friendship out of her house was disapproved of. Lily would marry handsome, arrogant James Potter.

And die at the hands of Narcissa's husband.

With a sob of memory, Narcissa presses her hands to her face. Her hands won't stop shaking and her body convulses. She grips the edge of the table to steady herself. A bunch of white lilies shudder in their delicate vase as the table shakes. Lucius has yet to work out the significance of his wife's favourite flower and so allows them in the house. More from instinct than from intent, Narcissa lifts a single flower to her face, letting her tears litter the petals like dew.

Chardonnay, chardonnay, I'm in love with your bouquet

You're so cold but you're so beautiful tonight,

In my hands, my trembling hands

Lily is dead. Her beautiful body contains no life. That spark, that laughter is gone. Now all is ice.

She swallows another gulp of wine, wanting the pain to go away. The blurring of her vision may be due to more than tears now, but she can't make the cold go away.

Chardonnay, chardonnay, you don't have a lot to say

Lily will never speak again.

Narcissa will have to listen to Lucius's droning drawl forever. At least he has left her alone tonight. His rage allows space for her sorrow.

But your silence has a welcome touch tonight

Narcissa leaves the parlour, with the bottle of wine and the flower. She stands beside her son's cradle and watches his serene sleep. His tiny, silver eyelashes quiver as he dreams and Narcissa longs to lift him in her arms, to remind herself that there is still life.

In my hands, my trembling hands

But she doesn't want to wake him. She ghosts a kiss over his forehead and withdraws. Her heart bleeds at the thought of Lily's child parentless. Maybe he has Lily's red hair. Maybe he has Lily's green eyes or Lily's plump lips. Narcissa wonders if she would recognise him if she saw him.

She sinks to the floor with her memories and her wine. The lily droops from her fist.

When I'm sad, sad and blue

You are my friend constant and true

She must be strong for her son. She must continue as though her heart has not been ripped from her body. In Lucius's eyes she must continue as before. In the morning she will face the demise of the Dark Lord and the safety of her family. In the morning she will see Bellatrix. In the morning she will rebuild her life. But tonight she will submit to her tears.

I dedicate this night to you

Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily...

And I would like to take you home

If only. She might have been safe. She might still have been alive.

With me,

Never alone. Always alone.

Lily is gone but her child remains. Draco remains. Narcissa must be strong for them, she must not feel alone. She is not alone. She is without Lily. Why does it feel like 'without Lily' is more alone than it is possible to be?

Tonight

Lily is dead. Lily is dead. Lucius has killed Lily. Narcissa could do nothing to save her. Narcissa hadn't been able to stop them. Narcissa hadn't ever been able to stop them. She had always done as they said. Always, always, except once, once when she had been truly free and truly alive. When she had belonged to Lily and Lily had belonged to her.

In my hands, my trembling hands.