I Am Remus Lupin

I am Remus Lupin. I am a Werewolf. I am lying here losing the will to live. I am lying here watching my life flash before my eyes. I am lying here waiting for it to end.

As I said before I am Remus Lupin and a Werewolf, both of which have severed me no better than an umbrella in Australia. After leaving Hogwarts I have drifted from job to job because of my disposition once a month. Many days I have sat and wondered if my own stupidity had been my ultimate downfall, of course it has. If I hadn't have allowed myself to be bitten then my life would have been some much different. I wouldn't be relying on a concoction brewed by my once enemy to keep me from murdering innocent people. Instead I would still have my teaching position and not be the wreck that I am today, for today may be my last.

From the moment I stood on that platform, my parents flanking me, I thought that I would be forever lonely. The archetypal lone wolf, but no, alas there are people that do look deeper than the rabid monster. Although I didn't tell them straight away, I would have been a fool to; they still accepted me and understood. Sitting in that compartment alone terrified me, watching people walk past to greet friends and jovially chatter amongst themselves. It was two rather loud voices that stirred me from my daydream.

"Come one, it's the only one left."

"He looks a bit weird."

They bundled their way in and plonked on the seat in front of me. After the rather large spell of silence I interrupted their communication of wordless speech.

"I can leave if you wish..."

"No, of course not! You were here first and we should at least make introductions."

"I'm James Potter and my less handsome counterpart is Sirius Black."

"Remus Lupin." I stated quietly, meeting James's outstretched hand.

Another joined us for that journey, a small boy named Peter Pettigrew. He was less nervous than I and slipped in and out of James's and Sirius's conversation easily. I on the other hand alternated between staring out the window and gently nodding to their questions. I wasn't used to their exuberance. I am an only child and had experienced little friendship as I kept to myself as a child because I was innately embarrassed about my condition. It was easier that way. However I got the feeling that I couldn't do that here as I got the impression that they simply wouldn't let me.

After I was sorted into Gryffindor, which I found rather ironic seeming that their mascot was a lion, I was ushered to Albus's office to have the monthly ritual explained to me in great detail. A particularly violent species of tree had been planted, effectively camouflaging the entrance to the passageway to where I was going to transform. Poppy was also introduced to me, as she was going to take the place of my mother, for she was to be the one to monitor and care for me. However she did not have that sweet smell of roses that linger after my mother.

It was only a couple of years later that James, Sirius and Peter had worked out that I had a secret, although I highly doubt that Peter even had an inkling. Though they had known they did not tell me, instead they had risked everything to become Animagi. They had each taken vast amounts of time, in between plotting, Quidditch and general stupidity to become Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail. I was christened with the name Moony, how disgustingly apt.

After many years of plotting and carrying out vast amounts of pranks, many on a certain Slytherin, I had finally seen that I can have friends and be happy. The joy I felt around having such friends enthralled me, my mother and father were ecstatic when I came home over Christmas to inform them that I had in fact made not one, but three friends. It made my transformations tolerable at first, but I was still a brutal beast once a month. Once they had revealed themselves to be Animagi, my temper as a wolf had lessened and Padfoot kept me in check as the huge black dog he was. I never looked forward to transforming, but nor did I fear it as I once had. It didn't hold that same complete bind over me; they had freed me from my living hell. Although how was I to know that it wasn't, it was going to make everything worse.

I can still remember the day as clear as it has ever been. The moment when our arrogance got the better of us, the moment an innocent person almost gasped their last breath looking down a tunnel into my sinful eyes. We had made Severus Snape's life hell for five years, I can't remember to this day why is all started. Although Pettigrew and I did not explicitly bully Severus, we allowed it to happen. I, a prefect allowed it to happen, I was as wrong as Sirius and James. They taunted and disturbed him when they had the chance, though it was not just Severus that was on the receiving end, the Slytherins oft felt the full force of the Marauders. I made my way to the Whomping Willow; Peter transformed to his Animagus form and ceased its vicious movements. I made my way to the shack and although I was feeling the effects of the moon, I broke into a quick run. Little did I know that Severus was making his way to almost certain death, Sirius and James had fooled him into coming here. Thankfully James got cold feet and prevented Severus into venturing far into the tunnel, but not before glimpsing my fully transformed self. The utter terror in his eyes was evident, he reeked of fear. Who could blame him? If I came that close to being killed I probably would have passed out. I heard James's voice beckon Severus, his voice too, racked with horror.

I was furious. I refused Padfoot and Prongs to run with me. I could not bear to scent them; I could not bear to see them. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to run forever and not confront the massacre of tomorrow. I hoped that someone got to Severus before he met another student, but knowing him, he would go straight to Dumbledore. I prayed for that. I couldn't face Sirius and James and that meant Peter would disappear too. I lay in the hospital wing counting the stones of the ceiling, waiting for Dumbledore. I can still feel my stomach contracting painfully as the heavy doors opened and the gentle swish of long robes over the cobbled floor.

"Remus?"

"Does everyone know? Did he tell you? Is he alright? Who else has he told? Do I need to pack my trunk? I need to pack my trunk don't I?"

"Quiet my child. Severus only told me and has further promised not to tell another soul. You will not be leaving Hogwarts until your seventh year. I can only suggest that you do not let this happen ever again."

I didn't see Sirius, James and Peter until the next day at breakfast. Their faces were downcast, although Sirius's infamous smile was carefully placed on his face. James then raced into a torrid account of how is happened and that they would be eternally grateful if I were to forgive them. Of course I did, these were my only friends, well them and Lily Evans.

I graduated from Hogwarts with respectable qualifications, although in the end it would not have made the slightest bit of difference if I had beaten the rest of the Wizarding World. I was as unemployable as ever, I was eighteen and living at home with not hopes of leaving. I was still included in what the rest of the Marauder's were doing, but I felt I was tagging along; I 'had' to be invited. In my final years at Hogwarts I had become the most confident I had ever been. I was calm about someone else knowing about my other self. It was all in vain, after several attempts at gaining employment I was giving up. Once I had tried to take my life, but I was stopped. To this day I still regret Lily finding me in my room drowning in my own blood. I can still hear her screams permeate my house; her once sweet voice cracked and broken against my ears.

"Remus! Remus, what have you done?"

I couldn't speak; the amount of blood that surrounded was increasing at an alarming rate, pumping out and rippling. Lily's sobs were fading out and darkness was coming in place, I blacked out. I woke up in my bed, obligatory cold compress to my head and wrapped in cotton wool. The reason I regretted it? The sorry faces of everyone looking down on me.

"I am not going to break!" I screeched after a week of being forcibly bed bound. They let me out after that. I apologised repeatedly to Lily after that incident. Each time she said it was okay, but I could see in her eyes that is had affected her and I could never, to this very day, forgive myself.

The birth of Harry changed everything; it changed everything for the better. The most notable difference was with Sirius. Before his wayward ways were encouraged and deem suitable for him, but since he was made Harry's Godfather he ceased taking big risks and his blasted motorbike spent more time off the road. If you couldn't find Sirius, he was at James and Lily's, if you wanted to go out with Sirius he had to know in advance so it could fit around his 'Harry time'. He was absolutely besotted with him. The world could have crashed around him, but if Harry was alright, so was Sirius. But the world did indeed crash around Sirius, but Harry did survive, so Sirius carried on. A little more insane and less groomed, but Sirius carried on.

Once the new reached me that Sirius, the Potter's Secret Keeper, had betrayed them to Voldemort I was past coherency. Lily and James had been brutally murdered by the one the entrusted their life with. I could not believe it, Sirius had put Harry's life at risk, the blood of his best friend was on his hands. All this time Sirius had planned to betray us all, he conned us all this time and sold them out. I visited where I had spent many a drunken night passed out on the floor after trying to keep up with both Sirius and James (a fool's game). It was nothing more than a slightly browned patch of grass. Somebody, presumably the Ministry, had rectified it and resumed it to nothing.

The funeral, I could not bear to look anyone in the eye. One of my closest and few friends had become a murderer, not once, but twice. After Sirius had led Voldemort to Lily and James, he pursued Pettigrew and killed him as well leaving only a finger to mark his existence. Everyone looked at me as if I was in cohorts with Sirius, as if I was going to blast them all to buggery the moment my hand twitched. In a matter of days the Marauders had gone from four to one and I was once again alone. Very much so.

I stayed as strong as I could; Lily was not going to be here to save me again. On occasions I would breakdown and weep for what I had lost, my family, my friends, everything. I scraped by doing menial labour where I could and I survived. My thoughts often passed between Lily and James. Sometimes I was angry for them leaving me behind, however most of the time I spent mourning their death and sometimes I found myself unreservedly despising Black for divulging his secret.

In these dark times Albus came to my rescue and offered me a job that I never dreamed of, he offered me the position of Professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts. When I received an owl from Hogwarts, my first since the seventh year equipment list, it worried me. I expected it to say that Black had dropped dead and his body was to be chucked off into the sea. No, I was positively glowing after reading it. Stability finally, financially and emotionally, I packed my trunk immediately, knowing I would have regretted it eternally if I hadn't have sent my consent. However the good news had come with some grave news. Sirius Black had escaped Azkaban Prison and I had a peculiar feeling where he was heading. I made my way to the Platform early so I could get a booth to myself thus managing to fall asleep rapidly, barely noticing the soft murmur of children's voices.

"That was a Dementor from Azkaban; it was searching for Sirius Black."

Harry, after all these years had come to resemble his father remarkably, but with Lily's eyes. Her eyes forever looking at me, searching for the truth I had tried to keep to my core. Harry was lying on the floor of the booth rigid as board, convulsing slightly, I was silently panicking, but I managed to find some chocolate so he could regain some warmth. I left him; I was finding it hard to be so close to him, so close to Lily and James. I was so weak.

I tried to help him with his Patronus, he managed it when the time came, saving Sirius. Sirius, a free man, an innocent man. It had been Pettigrew all this while, quiet, chubby, harmless little Peter. He had been Lily and James's Secret Keeper, obviously to make is harder for Voldemort to find them. And I had him! He was in my grasp and I transformed and almost killed everyone. Well, I had a good go at Padfoot. Naturally Severus couldn't keep it to himself and proceeded to inform some of the students, so that was the end of my teaching career, the only job that I could have had a future with. I wasn't bitter; I couldn't be, not now. I had more important things to worry about.

I kept in touch with Albus since leaving Hogwarts (again) to find how Harry had been. Surviving barely, like usual, but I guess it was a normal year for him. Have your life put in indeterminable danger by a stranger, watch someone be murdered and severely attacked by Voldemort. Not that anyone could have done anything about it; trouble does seem to hound Harry more than he finds it. Business from the Order kept my mind from agonizing about his welfare, well for some of the time at least. And if I thought that I was bad, Sirius was obsessive, scarily so. He needed to know everything and anything the precise moment it happened, we were back to James and Lily.

Arghhh! I just wanted to scream! I was so frustrated with Sirius, he quite literally landed in my house and havoc ensued. Now that he had come out of hiding he must have somewhere to reside, and as we all know, Sirius brings his mess with him. It was hot, the middle of June I think, and that warm dog smell still loiters. Mercifully the Order moved to his childhood home, he wasn't gloriously happy, but it relieved the nagging from his ears.

"Make sure he is safe Remus, keep him close."

"Sirius, do you realise how many of us there will be. I highly doubt that anyone would be unwise as to attack a menagerie of Aurors and beside Harry is one hell of a Quidditch player. You've seen him play."

This caused a mist to form over his eyes and I suspected that the time he saw Harry play repeated in his mind. Several Aurors and I took Harry from the Dursleys as it was getting too dangerous for him to keep residence. Although quite startled, he didn't hesitate to leave them; Merlin knows why Albus sent him there. Let me tell you one thing, or maybe another I can't remember, I haven't been the only one to ask that.

Harry reached his fifth year and Sirius is as keen as ever to keep tabs on him. Every letter that is sent carefully read and re-read just to make sure. He keeps them in a box, padlocked to prevent his ultimate softness escaping. I also got the feeling that he did that, as it was the closest he could get to keeping Harry safe, keeping Harry protected, to somehow bring James back. It was obvious to anyone with open eyes that 12 Grimmauld Place was no better than Azkaban; he could not perform the Animagus spell because Pettigrew sold him out, he was still wanted for 'murder' and Albus was most persistent about it. Even worse was the fact that Severus flaunted the fact that he could leave and return as he wished, I tried to stay to both keep him company and sane (which I highly doubted he was, ever). I argued for Harry to be told an undistorted view of some facts, much to the distaste of Molly. I believe she said,

"Remus, too much time spent with Sirius has changed you. I thought you were the nice one."

"We all thought that was Peter."

It was Christmas when I escorted Harry, as well as the Weasley horde to St. Mungo's to visit Arthur. I recited the pleasantries, but found myself talking with a newly-made Werewolf, it was Christmas and he had no one there for him. Although I was young when I was bitten, I can still taste the loneliness, well at least I had a family. He was sat, utterly bewildered that anyone was there, but I explained my situation although tense, he did engage. I found that he was protecting he wife.

"When did she visit?"

"Hasn't, she won't."

"Allergic to dogs?"

We laughed and carried on much like that, he was pleased that someone else, other than the staff, was talking to him. I explained about the Wolfbane potion, excluding the taste. He seemed interested, but the shock of being lumbered with this for the rest of his life was raw and he numbed himself though protection. Sitting in silence allowed me to study his face, every noise made him jump, I oft had to check behind the curtain.

"Does that bother you?"

"No, went through the same phase."

He also had a job; I couldn't stomach telling him my employment status over the years. I attempted to keep to the positives, but there aren't many, and he won't have the same friends risking their life to accompany me through my transformations. He also won't have Albus and Poppy, he allowed me to see a few more positives in my life. I left confused, it was rare for me to speak to anyone with similar experiences outside my circle of acquaintance and I didn't know what to be aware of. Whether to feel pleased that someone else feels the same way I did, or to feel miserable that another has to feel this pain.

I suppose it was the end of Easter when Harry appeared in the fire, my mine falters, he dipped into Severus's pensieve. Not a wise move on Harry's part, a prime example of him finding trouble much like the map, Snape proceeded to cease the Occlumency lessons. I urged him to carry on; I could not stand by and allow Harry to offer himself to Voldemort, even if it meant extended sessions with Severus. Sirius was another matter all together, as I recall he wanted to behead Snape for threatening Harry. I had to compel Harry to return, Sirius knew he had to, but this was not going to be history repeating itself. I have always felt guilty for not having the guts to stand up to James and Sirius and tell them they were out of order; I was prefect for fucks sake.

This has to be a memory that shall haunt me for a while. Sirius finally had the excuse to leave Grimmauld Place and he took at his detriment. Harry had been experiencing visualisations of Voldemort's plans, or what he thought they were. I did not comprehend a few of Sirius's extensive ramblings, but I realised that somewhere along the line Harry was getting into trouble, big trouble. Sirius was becoming stranger by the day (if that was at all possible) and practically begged news out of anyone. But when Harry went to the Department of Mysteries we all knew that it was not going to end well. Sirius of course went to help Harry, he wanted to protect him, Sirius wanted to rescue James. I have never got used to the fact that Sirius is not here, we all watched as he was struck with that spell and arched his way through the veil. His own blood sent him to his end, his cousin sought to put him to death. I don't know what killed him. Was it the spell or the veil? Either way the effect is the same, he passed on. He did do what he sent out to do, he wanted to save Harry and he did. I can still sense Harry's shaking in my arms; I had to use all my strength to prevent him following Sirius, which he would have done willingly. Everyone was in shock, we expected one who had survived and escaped Azkaban to fight in the last fight.

I wanted to keep Harry way from Privet Drive, the last thing he needed was. The last thing he needed was to be around such foul people. Several of us warned them to look after Harry or some of us would visit.

I am lying here with Peter Pettigrew, my once friend, sitting on my chest. The others watching and then firing another spell, watching and saving another life. His glinting hand wrapped around my neck, the burning solves my ability of gasping. The air around me refusing to slip past my closing throat, it betrays me, like he has done many times before. I wonder if he planned it all along and always meant to join with Voldemort, I wonder no longer as the shadows creep up on me, the screams of Lily blurring out, no one is here to save me this time.

I was Remus Lupin. I was a Werewolf. I was lying there losing the will to live. I was lying there watching my life flash before my eyes. I have finished lying there waiting for it to end.