Hole in My Heart

Hole in my heart

Chapter 1- Dear Fred

Dear Fred,

This is the only way I can feel is acceptable to use this diary. I've never kept a diary in my life, and I know for a fact that you never did either. So I've decided to dedicate this birthday present to you. There's so much I need to tell you.

I've had a hole in my heart for the past three years. I'm 23 now and so would you be, if you were here. But you will be forever 20. I resent you for that sometimes. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. Why do I have to live with all the regret, all the guilt, while you sleep for eternity? I can't ever hate you for long though, Fred. You are my brother, my best friend, my partner-in-crime. You made me laugh, you made me cry. But when you left me and our family, you took all that away from me. When you died, all I could do on that first night was cry and cry. I cried like I had never cried before. When the tears finally stopped, they disappeared forever. I haven't cried since. Does that sound heartless? Because, it's not. Not to me. I didn't laugh either. Never.

For two and a half years, I survived but I never lived my life. I was an empty shell, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I would sit and stare into space for hours, just remembering. I barely ate and I never slept. I refused to communicate with the world. I gave up on the shop, leaving it to Ron and Verity. I was selfish, I admit it. I should have been looking after our little brother, but instead he was looking after me. He gave up his education for me and my grief. I will always hate myself for that.

I locked myself away from him and the rest of the family. Bill, Charlie and Percy left me be. They understood. But Ginny wouldn't let me be alone. Once a week she would come and visit me in the tiny flat you and me had once shared, bringing with her food and comfort. She is so much like mum. I never noticed it before. I guess we all changed when you died. Ginny had always been strong, but she was my rock through that time. If she hadn't had been there, I don't know what I would have done.

A lot has happened in three years. The time seems to have flown past, I barely remember anything about my life without you, not including the past six months. But I wont tell you about that just yet, Fred. I'll leave it till last. Not because I'm saving the best till last, but because I need to make you understand. Your not going to like it, not one bit.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Ginny. She married Harry, you know! We all knew of course, we just hadn't expected it to happen quite so suddenly. She was just 18! It was the year after the battle. They've been married for two years now and are very happy. I'm glad. I just wish she had waited a little longer. I wanted to be there, I really did. But no, Fred, before you go thinking I abandoned our only sister on her wedding day, I didn't. I was there. I just didn't feel like I was there. Not really. I was too caught up in my own grief that I couldn't be there for Ginny like I should have been.

Last year Ron proposed to Hermione. They got together a little after Ginny and Harry. They kissed during the battle, did you know? Well, anyway, there was a lot of awkwardness between them after that. Neither would admit their feelings to each other. Too damn stubborn for their own good. I mean, everyone knew they were made for each other. Even me, and trust me, I don't generally have good instincts about these things. But you know that. You always could read me like a book... I thought I knew everything that went on in your world too, at one point. But that was before I was given this diary by Angelina Johnson...

I bet your looking down at me, laughing your head off. Or shouting at me to get a grip. You always did say I was soppy. Everyone used to say that I was the softer twin. The deeper one. I believed them, I always believed them. How could I have been so blind, Fred? I spent every moment of my life with you, but I feel like I never even knew you. Not anymore.

I'm getting off track now. Back to little Ronniekins, as you used to call him. Ron finally proposed to Hermione on Ginny's wedding day. He couldn't have chosen a worse time. Poor Hermione was mortified. Had you been there, you would have been in your element. So would I back then, but I've changed so much. You wouldn't recognise me, brother. I've really grown up. I didn't have much choice.

Their getting married next summer. They wanted a long engagement, god knows why. Mum's driving every one mad, they should get it over with!

Oh, and Bill has a daughter! You'd love her Fred, you really would. She's like you. A little troublemaker, but she can charm the birds out of the trees. She turned one last month.

Percy has a steady girlfriend. She's called Audrey and is like a female version of Percy. She gets on very well with Hermione, but that's only to be expected. Bookworms sticking together, and all that. No talk of marriage just yet, I think old Perce is afraid of commitment!

That just leaves Charlie. He's single but happy, as far as I know. He did come back to live at the burrow for a year to help out, but he moved back to Romania. I've seen him about four times in the last two years. We all miss him terribly. But not as much as you. Better seeing someone rarely, than not at all.

I've finished rambling now, you'll be glad to know. One last thing though, Fred...

Six months ago, Angelina Johnson turned up on my doorstep. It was the night of my, our, 23^rd birthday. She gave me this, as I mentioned before. I never did understand why... But that's beside the point. The thing is that, well, we kind of fell in love. It wasn't love at first sight or anything corny like that. It started out as a close friendship, a connection through you. It was like she was all I had left of you, and me for her. I thought that if I grew close to her, I would feel closer to you. But that's not what happened at all.

I hope won't hate me for it. Or Angelina. We didn't mean to fall so deeply. I don't expect you to understand, but I hope you can accept it.

I do wonder sometimes, that if you had lived, would you have still seen her? Married her? When we were at Hogwarts, I didn't even think you was serious about her. She was a laugh and she was pretty, but I had no idea how you felt. This is one of my biggest regrets. That I never really knew what you was thinking deep down. When she came to see me, she told me everything. How you had continued dating, even after we left Hogwarts. You never told me that, Fred? Why? I suppose I never asked, did I?

She told me that you had been in love with her and she with you. She cried in my arms that night and I sat with her for a long time. We started talking about you. We stayed up until morning, just talking about you.

She will always love you, and I will have to live with that. I know I can never replace you. But she has fallen in love with me, Fred. This is the real thing. You know as well as I do that I don't believe in Heaven. But wherever you are, I hope with all my heart that you will see how happy we make each other. Slowly and surely, she is beginning to heal the hole in my heart.

I hope you will forgive me and that some day I will forgive myself. I will never forget that she was your girl. I like to think that you would be glad that I am looking after her. That we can help each other.

I love you, Fred. I will never forget you.

Your brother,

George

xxx