Fan Fiction Fights Back!

Fan fiction fights back!

It was the moment all the R/Hr shippers had been waiting for... Ron was leaning towards Hermione, eyes closed, and she was stretching up on her toes when...

"Stop this madness!"

Sighing, Ron turns to give Harry a murderous glare. Hermione, meanwhile, opens her mouth to protest, but the author holds up her hand for silence. The characters wait with bated breathe. The wrath of an angry author is never a good one!

"Harry James Potter! What do you think you are doing?!"

Harry produces a banner from thin air and waves it under the nose of the author, who raises an eyebrow.

GIVE HARRY MORE FICS!

Ron and Hermione look from the banner, to Harry, to the author, and back to the banner again. With a shrug of the shoulders and an uncharacteristic giggle, Hermione grabs Ron by the collar, who squeaks.

The author, who is unaware of this at the time, asks Harry: "What is this supposed to mean?"

Sighing, as if this is a dense question, Harry begins to explain. "Ron's in more fics than me!" He pouts.

The author begins to laugh. "So?"

"SO, SHE ASKS! SO?" Harry practically screams in his outrage. "He's the sidekick! I want some action!" He eyes Hermione hopefully.

Hermione detaches herself from Ron and gives the author a wary look. The author rolls her eyes.

"Touch her and you're dead!"

Ron has positioned his body in front of Hermione's. His arms are spread protectively. The R/Hr shippers, including the author, swoon. Hermione simply looks relieved that she doesn't have to make out with Harry.

"This isn't Twilight, Ron!"

The author jumps in surprise at the sudden appearance of Ginny. No one else seems to be fazed though, least of all Harry, who throws his arms around her.

Ginny struggles against Harry's grip. Eventually she manages to shove him off of her.

Harry looks wounded, which seems to satisfy both Ginny and the author. (What? He ruined my fic!)

"Ginny, I love you!" Harry wails, miserably.

Shrugging, Ginny starts to leave. "I really couldn't care less to be honest, Harry! I'm in love with Draco, anyway..."

"WHAT?" Harry and Ron shout together. (They appear to have forgotten their fight...)

"SCREW YOU, PUNK!"

(Oh, maybe not!)

Ron throws himself at Harry and begins to punch every inch of his body that he can reach. Ginny hands Hermione some popcorn and they watch, munching.

"Excuse me?" Draco asks the author, politely. The author nearly faints from the shock of another character appearing from nowhere and the fact that Draco Malfoy is being polite!

"Um, yeah?" she asks.

"Is there nothing you can do about this?" He gestures vaguely to the two boys rolling on the floor.

"Um?" The author, apparently, does not know.

Draco incline his head and smiles. It is then that Ginny spots him.

"DRACO!"

His face drains of all colour as she throws herself as him.

"Popcorn?" Hermione offers Draco the bag, who manages to say: "No, thank you!", even though Ginny is suffocating him.

The author then tries to regain some control over her spoiled fic. "Anyone who is not Ron or Hermione, please LEAVE!"

Harry, who has been beaten to a bulp by Ron, snorts. "I don't think so!"

Draco, being strangely polite today, smiles at the author and Apparates.

"What? How? How did he do that?" Hermione asks, flabbergasted.

"He passed his Apparition test?"

Ginny whacks Harry round the head with a very wet, very smelly fish. Harry bursts into tears, and the rest as for the rest of the characters, laughter. The author, however, has had enough.

"Ginny, as much as Harry is annoying me, do not hit him!"

Ignoring this comment, Ginny continues to batter Harry with the fish. "Die! Die! Die!"

The author looks around the room desperately, hoping to regain the plot. Luck is not with her, though, as Ron and Hermione are nowhere to be seen. She growls.

"All I wanted was a little romance!" she rants.

Ginny stops hitting Harry and yanks open the door to the broom shed. "You call that romance?"

Hermione is sitting on Ron's lap, her tongue shoved down his throat. The author wrinkles her nose in distaste and shuts the door, coating the couple in even more dust. (Not that they notice.)

Tears of fury spring to the author's eyes. "You've ruined my fic!"

"You've ruined my life!" Harry shoots back.

Ginny folds her arms and says to him, unkindly: "It's only fan fiction! Tomorrow, we'll back to normal... Me in love with you and..."

She trails off, sniffing. "I want Draco!"

Harry joins the narrator and Ginny as they all have a little cry. The author soon stops when she remembers something.

"You insulted Twilight!"

Ginny wipes her eyes and sticks out her tongue.

"How dare you!" Her eyes widen. "You insulted Edward Cullen and Ron in the same sentence!"

Collapsing into a chair, the author thinks carefully. She needs a suitable punishment...

"Ha! That's it! Oi! DRACO!"

Ginny looks triumphant. Harry sobs louder until Ginny kicks him into a corner. She dusts off her hands (Even though she didn't touch him with her hands) and looks at the author expectantly. The author smiles wickedly.

There is a whirling of black and green as Draco apparates into the room. He beams at the author and ignores Ginny. (As well as anyone who can ignore someone who is clinging to the hem of their robes.)

"You called?"

"I did." The author smiles at him, a strange glint in her eyes.

Ginny, Draco and Harry wait.

"SEVERUS SNAPE!"

Harry freezes. Not Snape!

Ginny frowns. Not Snape!

Draco smiles. Why, it's his favourite Professor, Snape!

Snape looks at the author and his three students, in obvious loathing. Draco looks a little hurt and the other two terrified. The author, however, gives Snape a dazzling smile.

"Now it's time for me to have a little fun!"

Draco and Snape find their bodies being dragged, against their will, to the middle of the room. Their eyes widen in horror as they realise what is happening.

"STOP!" screams Snape. Draco merely sobs in desperation.

They meet in the middle and while the author cackles with laughter, their mouths are forced together. Ginny runs up to Draco and tries to pull him off Snape, but they're stuck like glue. With a furious shriek, she launches herself as the author. Her hands close round the author's throat as Harry looks on.

He sighs. "This was supposed to be about me!"

Ginny and the author continue their struggles as Snape and Draco unwillingly kiss each other senseless.

"Aw, what an adorable couple!" coos a new voice.

The author, who Ginny has recently released, gapes at Luna Lovegood. "What are you doing here?"

Luna spreads out her hands. "No idea."

Sighing, the author releases Draco and Snape. Snape Apparates in a huff.

"How is everyone doing that?! YOU CAN'T APPARATE IN OR OUT OF HOGWARTS!"

The author smiles slightly. It appears Hermione and Ron have finished tackling each other's tonsils.

Harry, who has decided that he is being left out, again, jumps up and down. He waves his banner in the air.

"Where did he get that?" The author questions.

Everyone shrugs.

The author then decided that this fic is over.

"I didn't get a line!" Neville complains. Harry swiftly tackles him to the ground.

GIVE HARRY MORE FICS!

His banner floats to the floor...