The Other Star

I used to despise the stars.

I hated them with almost as much passion as I hated the moon. But while I could ignore the moon part of the time, the stars never went away. They always hung in the sky, each in its place, covering the night with their glow. They knew their place in the sky, they would return and return, and they were always the same.

And they were never alone. Where there was one star, millions of others were sure to appear. That's what always bothered me. That while I was utterly alone, they had each other. They always had each other. And I hated them for it.

Until I found a different star.

"Yes."

"Well, have you got a name?"

"Remus. Lupin."

"Great. Pleasure to meet you."

At first, I wanted to hide, just like I did from all the other stars in the sky. But then I realized that you had your place here, not up there with the rest of them. And that's what made me return those little smiles and laugh at your jokes and accept the offers of friendship which you so generously handed to me on a non-silver platter.

And everytime I thought I couldn't ask for more, you stepped up and gave it to me. There was a time when I would rather have died than have you see me for what I really was.

You gave me understanding and trust without bothering to ask questions.

"I... I'm sorry, I-"

"That's bloody amazing!"

"W-what?"

"Is that what you've been afraid to tell us? Oh, Remus, what did you think we'd do? Leave you?"

When we grew older, you took away the loneliness of the nights I was so used to spending by myself. I didn't speak to you for three days, half out of anger, half out of being struck speechless. That anyone would put themselves at such a risk made my blood boil. And the fact that they would do it for me made my heart fly.

You became closer to me than the rest of them. Not because they weren't equally as wonderful, but because of the things you said when there was no one to put on a show for.

"The moon's this week."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I thought we were beyond this, Sirius."

"It's just a part of my life. I deal with it."

"I'd take it away you know, if I could. If there was some way to take the pain on myself, I would.

"Sirius..."

"I mean it. I'd take it all if it meant you could just sleep in peace."

That's how it was with you, handing out life-changing favors as if they were candy in your pocket.

What intrigued me most of all was how you seemed invincible. You had your secret demons, we all do, but you shoved the little pests away and faced the world head on, not batting an eyelash. At seventeen, you were immortal.

But stars fall.

Stars fall every night, and you shone so brightly that there wasn't a single wizard in the world who wasn't watching when your turn came.

"...They arrested Sirius Black not an hour ago..."

"... Yes, the Potters, and Sirius Black told him where..."

"... Sirius Black..."

"...Black. Sirius Black..."

"... Black..."

It became a whisper soon, a name said in hushed tones on dark and stormy nights. Used to frighten children into sleeping at night. In place of a star there was a curse.

All the times I thought I'd been alone before didn't hold a candle to what I felt now. I could only cry so much for James and Lily. Tears weren't, as I used to think, endless. They stopped right after the numbness kicked in. I saw them buried and placed lilies on the grave. After that, the tears stopped.

There was no one now. No one I could walk with by the lake. No one to talk to. No one to confide in. No one to offer me impossible things.

I spent twelve years more alone than I had ever been in my life.

And then... you were back. It was heaven and hell all rolled up into a little piece of enchanted parchment. Once again, when I didn't dare to dream, you simply held out sanity in the palm of your hand. Granted, it was only a few short hours, but you were here. I could see you and hear you and you were real. Not just some figment of a lonely imagination.

When you asked if you could stay with me, I nearly cried. I'd waited twelve years to have you back and you were wondering if you could stay. I'd have taken my eyes out before I let you go.

And you brought something new with you. This time, you handed me irony.

"Shh... Sirius, wake up. Wake up, it's just a dream."

"... Remus?"

"Yes. It's me. You're safe."

"Oh god... Oh god it still hurts..."

"I know. I know it does."

"I keep seeing them... Oh god..."

"I'm so sorry. Sirius... I... I wish I could make it stop for you. I'd take it away if I could."

"Oh god..."

"I'd take it all if it meant you could just sleep in peace."