The Letter Never Sent

To: Sirius Black

From: Remus J. Lupin

There was once a time when we were invincible. When the world was laid out at our feet and the future was at our fingertips. We were young and we were immortal.

Cliché, but true.

Since then, since it all went to hell in a cheap green hand basket, there were moments when I would have given anything and everything to have it all back. To go back to the days when we were fearless and even fear itself could be banished in the company of good friends and a few Butterbeers.

I spent many years wrapped up in a cloak of pain, trying to pretend that it was instead James' Invisibility Cloak, hoping against hope that if I wanted it bad enough, it would come to pass. But in time, hope was crucified and I resigned myself to the understanding that I could only move forward.

I came to accept that James and Lily were gone. Really gone. Not just off in the perfect little world they'd built for themselves. I'd cried over them, many times, at first trying to call them back, then weeping when they didn't come. But after too many tears had fallen, I finally left them in peace. I still cry for them sometimes, but only because I find myself remembering how happy they were, may they rest in peace.

There were times when I even cried for Peter, for he was dead too. And even now, he's still dead in my mind. He may be walking and breathing, but the boy I'd known at school is dead. In his place is a liar and a traitor whom I deny ever having known. I knew a shy, quiet little boy who hero-worshipped James. That little boy is gone and I have neither the tears nor the time to spend on him.

But what very nearly killed me was when you were taken away. They were dead and I could mourn for them properly. But you, you were still very much alive and it tore me up to think that you had it in you to betray your friends. And I hated you then. I hated you for killing them, I hated you for living, and I hated you for what you put everyone through.

Your parents never truly believed you were guilty. They searched for whatever hope they could find and held onto it, all the way to the end. I spent my time hating you, but they couldn't. They loved you until they took their last breath, because you were their son.

But it's pointless to hate someone your whole life, so those feelings passed. I even tried to forgive you, but it was only when you escaped and I saw you again, for the first time after twelve years, that I realized I'd stopped blaming you a long time ago. It doesn't do to blame someone for something that can never be changed.

In the years since it happened, I was never happier than when I found you were truly innocent. It brought me the reassurance that not all my hopes were empty. It didn't matter that you were the most wanted man in the wizarding world, all I knew was that after twelve years, I had my friend back.

And that was why, when you needed a place to stay, to hide, I took you back here, to this house. If you think it was easy for me, you're very wrong. This house holds many memories for me, both good and bad, that I didn't think I'd need to face again. But it wasn't a time for me to be dealing with my own demons, because you had far too many of your own.

I still remember, when we first came here, I almost made myself sick with worry over what things would be like. Yes, you were back, but too much had changed for us to simply fall back into the old routine of an easygoing life. I'd been too busy hating you to realize just how much I missed you. You were, first and foremost, my best friend. So I assumed the role of keeping you healthy, safe, and happy. And as long as the rest of the world didn't know too much, I had an easy job of doing so.

After all, everyone knew that Remus Lupin owned a large black dog that he sometimes took with him to meetings and lectures.

But when it turned out that it wasn't the rest of the world that I needed to worry about, I started to wonder if my feelings were just an overdose of protectiveness. The symptoms certainly fit. Every time you were in pain, I felt my own heart twist. Whenever you were away too long, I felt anxious and worried. If you woke up from another nightmare, I found myself wishing I could take them upon myself, just so that you could sleep in peace. It confused me and it hurt, but at the same time, whenever you would smile, I felt my own spirit soar.

I sit here now, writing this, not knowing if you'll ever read it. Whatever direction our lives go in, I need you to know this:

You are closer to me than any brother I could have had. You are my dearest friend, and I love you. Whether it be the kind of love you can return, or the kind I want returned, I don't know, nor do I ever need to know. What I do need is for you to understand why you catch me staring sometimes, from across the room. Why I still sit by your bed even after the nightmare goes away. I do it because you mean that much to me.

I said before that there were times I would have given everything to have the past back. I find myself questioning that now. Before, there was nothing I had that wasn't worth giving up. Now, I have you, and no matter what it would bring, I can't lose you again.

I write this so that you might understand how much my life has changed since you came back into it. We are no longer young, and we are no longer invincible. We never were. But we have each other, my friend, and come what may of it, I'm grateful for that.