Of House-Elves and Linen Closets

When you´re in Hogwarts, being locked in a room is a little more complicated than you might think. It´s not always a matter of, "Oh. I´m in a room, and the door is locked."

No, sometimes it´s more a matter of, "I managed to fall through a trick step on the way to breakfast and discovered a virtual maze of house-elf-sized secret passageways going all over the castle. Naturally being somewhat excited, I got my friends down with me and started exploring the passageways, despite the tight fit (I did feel a tiny bit sorry for Peter), but ended up running into a somewhat grumpy house-elf who forced all four of us into an unused linen closet and locked the door."

Well, at least there´s company.

On second thought, maybe I´d prefer not having company. James ranting about how I´m idiotic enough to let a grumpy old house-elf lock us in a linen closet, Remus bemoaning that we´re missing McGonagall´s final exam, and Peter lamenting that we´re fated to starve to death in an empty linen closet. Lovely company, don´t you agree?

No, I didn´t think so.

Oh, James seems to be backtracking. Now he´s saying that they should never had listened to me when I yelled up through the step, "Hey, it´s really neat down here! Come on!"

Well, what was I supposed to say? "Hey, it´s really neat down here! Go away!"?

Hm. It seems that they don´t find it amusing that I´m scribbling on a piece of paper when I should be listening to them yelling my ear off.

That just makes it all the more amusing.

You know what else is amusing? Tuning out people who are mad at you. Or even just pretending to tune them out. Maybe they think I don´t even hear them. Maybe they´ll start pouring out their deepest secrets...

On second thought, I already know all their deepest secrets. I make it my personal business to know everyone´s personal business. Another thing that is very amusing. Especially with upperclassmen. Their tangled love lives, honestly... "Hogwarts: The Soap Opera" would be a wild success.

Now, you may be wondering how exactly Sirius Black, Prankster Extraordinaire, got himself and his friends trapped in a linen closet by a grumpy old house-elf.

People tell me I have ADD.

Did you know that you´re a piece of paper and can therefore not know anything?

Well, you see, there´s this little-known phenomenon called "hewanep." It´s actually an acronym, but I'm too lazy to capitalize it. What? Have you got a problem with that?

Well, you can shut your nonexistent mouth.

You see, hewanep (still not capitalizing!) stands for "House-Elves Who Are Not Eager to Please". Very rare, but they exist. And we had the misfortune to run into one.

Now, you´re probably wondering with your nonexistent mind how a house-elf could force four pranksters into a linen closet.

Well, shame on you. Even you should know that house-elves have their own brand of powerful magic. Even powerful enough to force four pranksters into a linen closet. And lock the door so well that they can´t open it up again with their own magic.

I swear, house-elf magic is the most annoying thing on earth. I doubt it´s ever done anything useful. And I doubt it ever will.

(here there is a large scribble on the page, as if Sirius´s hand was knocked)

Note to self: Do not irritate Remus John Lupin when it is two days before the full moon and two days after the beginning of finals.

It´s not a good idea.

I think he didn´t like the fact that I was utterly ignoring his rants about how we were missing McGonagall´s final.

Honestly. That child has problems. He should be grateful to me for getting us all out of McGonagall´s final.

But no, instead he tries to strangle me and -- gasp -- to rip you, my precious paper, apart!

Never mind that you happen to be the back of my potions homework from two months ago. That is not relevant. At all.

You know what? I´ve decided that the the Devil is a pink armadillo.

With fangs.

But you see, I have a ritual. Every year, on August 18, I sit under a tree in a Muggle park and eat macaroni and cheese, a carrot, and mocha ice cream in a blue bowl.

Muggles do have some good inventions, you know.

And this particular combination of them can ward off the Devil-who-is-a-pink-armadillo-with-fangs for a full year.

Hey! James just took you! But do not despair, oh dear paper, for I snatched you back before he could do true harm to you.

I think he was trying to get me to listen to him. Actually, I think he´s still trying to get me to listen to him.

In fact, he´s yelling, "Sirius Black, if you do not put that stupid piece of paper away now and listen to me I´m going to murder you personally!"

Maybe I should. He does seem kinda mad.

Nah.

Maybe the Devil-who-is-a-pink-armadillo-with-fangs has possessed him. I should probably try to exorcise it. This is done by whacking him seven times on the head with a carrot.

Excuse me while I transfigure my Transfiguration book into a carrot.

Apparently, the normal methods don´t work on James.

Oh, now he´s yelling something about preferring Snape´s company to mine.

Riiiight. And he´s going to marry Lily Evans and have a son whose life is saved by Lucius Malfoy´s house-elf. With house-elf magic. Why not have the house-elf save him from Lucius Malfoy, for good measure? After he tricks Lucius Malfoy into freeing the house-elf.

Sorry. House-elves and Lucius Malfoy have been on my mind lately. I think it´s obvious why house-elves are, and as for Lucius Malfoy, see, he´s getting married to my cousin. Fun, huh? And as for James and Lily getting married, I was thinking about that because bonking James on the head with a carrot reminded me of the way she threw a plate at his head yesterday at dinner when he tried to ask her out.

You know what? I think they´re getting kind of mad now.

I mean, yeah, they were mad before, but if my Mad-Meter is correct, they´re now getting to the point of inflicting serious (Sirius -- haha, get it?) bodily harm.

This is the moment to point out that I´m sitting on a trapdoor into McGonagall´s classroom.

I am so the master of timing.