The Secret Diary of Cho Chang Aged 15 and 3/4

September 1^st

2am

I can't sleep. I've tried counting sheep, not thinking of anything and nothing. I close my eyes and I see Cedric. Sometimes he's laughing, sometimes playing Quidditch, but it always ends with him looking up at me with those blank grey eyes. Cold, dead eyes.

I'm so tired I could cry. Before I came up to bed I saw Mum writing a note to someone. I'm willing to bet all my gold galleons, (ok, all 5 of them), that it was to Professor Flitwick. She mumbled something about me not sleeping and how she was worried as she'd not be able to keep an eye on me during term.

Thank God I managed to convince her I didn't need to go and see a medi-wizard. Madam Pomfrey's put me off of those people anyway. Honestly, I felt like a prize cow when I ended up in the hospital wing a couple of years ago. Always fussing, prodding and poking at me. It drove me mad.

It was quite upsetting for me though, to see my Mum like that, she was nearly in tears. I suppose you always think of your Mum as being strong, and to see her that upset, well, it made me feel awful.

I have to write really quietly, if Mum finds out I am awake she'll go mad. Especially after me convincing her I was fine and that I would sleep. But, the thing is, god this is going to sound really stupid, but I'm scared. I'm scared to go to sleep. I'm scared of what I'll dream about. Of what I'll see.....

Will being back at school help me? Will it help me get back to normal? Will it help me get over Cedric?

I DO want to get back to normal though. I really do, but I'm scared. It seems as though what happened in June happened in another lifetime, to another person. I feel like I've grown up over night. That's not right, is it? So, here I am, 3:00 in the morning, scared of going to sleep, scared of going to school. Scared of seeing everyone. Scared of how I'm supposed to act.

How am I supposed to act? Like a grieving widow? Should I wear black for months? Should I frown upon people who laugh around me? After all, Cedric can't laugh anymore. Can he?

3:00am

I heard a song in a muggle shop earlier on today and the lyrics made me cry, they went something like:

"Maybe you will never be

All the things that you want to be

Now is not the time to cry

Now's the time to find out why

You and I are

Gonna Live Forever"

And I just stood in the shop, transfixed by those words. It hit me that although Cedric isn't around in body anymore; his spirit would always be around. And I cried.

And now I can't sleep. Again.

7:30am

I managed about an hour's sleep, which I think has made me feel even worse. I've been awake since 5:30am. I've had to tiptoe around my bedroom. Checked my trunk about 20 times, and everything is definitely packed. My robes are in my rucksack; I'll do a crease removing charm on the train.

The train. Why am I dreading this journey? It'll be either sympathy or people being quiet. Not knowing what to say. Mind you, I don't know what to say to people either.

I better go downstairs; Michelle and Tony are here to see me off. Honestly, I don't need my big brother and sister to take me to Kings Cross! Mum can't because she has to work this morning. I'll have to go downstairs and eat some breakfast otherwise Mum will fuss. Again.

10:50am

I'm on the train. I'm in a carriage by myself. I'm at a loss as to what to think or do. My sister started crying. She said that she hated seeing me look so ill and unhappy.

I've never seen her cry before. She's twenty-nine and I've made her cry. I tried to tell her that I am fine, but she wouldn't believe me. She made me promise to owl her at least once a week. She said she thought Cedric would want me to get on with my life, (I tried to tell her I was trying to do that). Not to mourn him, but remember him as a man full of life. Not as an empty shell.

I told her that we would never know what Cedric thought now, as he was dead. And she hugged me and told me to take care and to look after myself. That, "Life is for living."

So, now I feel even worse. I made my sister cry. Which means she'll tell Mum and then Mum will get upset again.

I've pulled the curtains closed on the window of the compartment. I need time to think. I've actually put a sign saying "STAFF - DO NOT DISTURB" so I should have some peace. Quite sneaky really. I could have done well in Slytherin. Not sure how long that'll fool people, but I don't care.

2:30pm

Bloody George Weasley

2:35pm

I mean, who is he to barge in and tell me to come down and chat to everyone else? Couldn't he read that big "DO NOT DISTURB" sign?

2:40pm

It's not as if I know all those Gryffindors anyway. And, to be honest, I'm a bit embarrassed about Harry. And - oh he's back...

4:00pm

He's just gone! He could talk a statue to life.

I know he means well, but as I told him:

"I don't know all the other Gryffindors, George. They're your friends. I just want to be left alone."

"To wallow," he said.

"WALLOW! George, that's an awful thing to say."

"It's an awful thing to do as well Cho. You look like shit. You look like you've had an hours sleep since I last saw you."

"Why don't you go the whole hog and say I've put on weight as well George. That I'm just a great big selfish, wallowing, fat moose. Just leave me alone." I screamed at him.

"Cho, you can try and push all your friends away, but, I'm not going anywhere. You can shout at me, insult me, even try to beat me at Quidditch, but, you need somebody to talk to."

"Why would I speak to you?" I was fuming at him.

"Why not?"

"What does that mean?"

"It means, Cho, that I am here for you. Whenever, wherever."

I started crying then. And he hugged me. It felt so good to be held again. I stopped crying after a while, and I apologised to him. He left after a while and said that he was coming back. He said it wasn't fair that I had a whole compartment to myself while he was squashed in with Fred, Lee, Angelina, Katie, Ginny, Alicia, Ron and Harry. I was going to ask how Harry was, but I didn't.

5:30pm

George is back. It's weird, even though he and Fred are identical; they're really different. George is more, I don't know, quieter...calmer?? Who'd have thought that one of the infamous Weasley twins was actually quite a sensitive bloke?!

Before he came back a couple of my roommates came in (Deborah Doyle and Jackie Mulligan) came in to see how I was. They didn't really know what to say, so they just told me where they were sitting and told me to come down and sit with them if I wanted to. However, what's really disturbed me is a Hufflepuff I only know by sight, Julian Barnes, came in to speak to me. I'd seen Cedric with him a fair bit. He said something really strange. He said he wanted to take my cue on the "Potter situation". I must have looked pretty dumbstruck, because he said that the Hufflepuff house would "follow my lead" on the way I treat Potter.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing!!!!!!

"Didn't you hear what Dumbledore said at the leaving feast?" I tried to say in a cool and level voice. I don't think it worked much.

"Ah...yes...of course I did."

"Then what a ridiculous suggestion. How dare you come in here and tell me that your house would take their cue from me. Is this how all Hufflepuff's behave? Is this how you think Cedric would want his house to behave? That's the most insulting thing I've heard, not only insulting to Harry but to me AND Cedric". I just screamed at him, it was the most appalling thing I'd heard anyone say.

George came in just as Julian was leaving. I told him what Julian had said, and I've never seen George react so angrily. He was going to hex Julian to pieces and I had to grab him to stop him going after him.

"I don't think it's a good idea to tell Harry about that, George," I pleaded with him.

"Cho, how can you expect me to forget that? He has no right to say that, the arrogant prick. And Harry - "

"How is Harry?"

I couldn't help myself, I had to know. After what Julian said, I found myself feeling really sorry for him. I wish I hadn't asked when George told me.

"I could lie and say he's fine, but, and I'm telling you in the strictest of confidence Cho, he looks like he's had the worse summer of his life. He looks, to be blunt, like shit, even worse than you. Mum has tried to fatten him up this past week, and she's made me promise to keep an eye on him at meal times to make sure he eats. AND, I'll be keeping an eye on you as well Cho." He fell silent for a while, and with an astonished look on his face said, "God, when did I get so sensible?"

"I don't know, it's quite spooky really. Are you the same George Weasley I regularly outwit at Quidditch Matches?"

And he made me laugh. I haven't laughed for ages.