A Bad Day in the Staff Room

Severus Snape gripped the arms of the chair tight, knuckles white. His head was pounding, mouth dry, breathing ragged. As he stared, head down, the floor faded suddenly to grey before returning once more to almost painful clarity.

"I don't think I can take any more of this," he hissed under his breath.

"Just try to stay calm, Severus."

"Calm!" came the strangled retort.

"Calm and focused, you can get through this."

A shadow passed across them, they both tensed.

Severus gritted his teeth, his left arm was beginning to burn. A not entirely unpleasant sensation spread through his body, bubbling upwards.

"I think I'm going to kill him"

Oh God, thought McGonagall, he's going to blow. She tried to ignore him and looked up at the man standing in front of them.

"Welcome back," the man said with a chipper smile. McGonagall noticed there was a slight strain to it now.

"I hope you all enjoyed lunch," he went on, " and I'm sure we can all move on after this morning's...er...incident. No harm meant I'm sure."

Snape growled.

"I think this morning went quite well despite the...er...well...er..." his voice trailed off, the smile flickered for a moment, but he quickly regained his composure. "In fact, I was wondering what you thought you'd got out of this morning?"

"A head ache."

"Sorry, what was that?"

"I think Severus said he'd learnt a number of useful skills he'll be sure to use from now on," Dumbledore stepped in, "I know I have." Albus smiled around the room, seemingly oblivious of the glares he received from the rest of the teaching staff.

"Good, good," the man continued. "So, anyone else...? No...? OK, onwards to this afternoon." He paused for dramatic effect. "If you'd all like to look at the board."

A small, white board hovered at one end of the staff room. Suddenly a blue background appeared and then words scrolled in from the left. The man felt the need to read them out. "The Ministry's new Initiative: The National Curriculum Strategy 2003."

Near the back Professor Flitwick groaned while Snape began hitting his head repeatedly on a table.

"For too long," the man went on, oblivious, "the various magical schools have taught a somewhat diverse curriculum. The result has been chaos. NEWT's and OWL's are regarded by many as pointless and a new, more vocational course has been suggested. We need to teach these children the kind of skills they're going to need in the real world."

"You mean such as how they might avoid being horribly tortured by the Dark Lord?" Snape interjected darkly.

"Well...er...not really. I mean it's hardly likely to happen is it? Him being dead after all."

"Jesus wept." Snape started to unbutton his left sleeve.

"Put it away Severus," McGonagall threatened as Dumbledore gave him a stern look over his glasses.

Snape slumped back in his seat. "Dear God, just kill me now."

The man continued, "So, I hope you have all read through the subject content section which includes the five core principals of wizardry? Yes?"

A few sullen nods.

"Good, I don't think we have to spend any more time on that. What I want to get to now relates to the work you did this morning in your workshops. Do you have your papers?"

There was a rustling as several pieces of parchment levitated towards the front.

"Great. I'll pick one at random." He uncurled one of the parchments. "And I'll use it to talk about our main theme, the three part lesson. This is of course the aims and objectives, the core of the lesson, and the plenary."

The man paused, waiting for his audience to absorb this clearly vital information, before beginning reading.

"Lesson: Preparation of the Excruciatus Potion. Ah, this would be one of yours Severus. You don't mind if I call you Severus?"

A man of more heightened social awareness may well have interpreted Snape's expression as a no, but he ploughed on regardless. "Good. Well, moving on to aims and objectives. And the aim of your lesson is to...try it out on Harry Potter... er...that's not exactly what I was wanting here. I'm more looking for what you think the class will get out of the lesson."

"A laugh?" Snape suggested.

The man looked up, his bubbly demeanour evaporated for a split second, but then the smile returned. "I'll give you an example: By the end of the lesson most of the children will have learnt how to brew a rudimentary Excruciatus Potion..."

"Miracles might happen."

"...Some children will have progressed further and will be able to maintain its potency..."

"Highly unlikely."

"...while other children will not have progressed as far and will only be able to suggest ways the potion might be brewed and used."

"Whilst one, namely Mr. Longbottom, will have glued his feet to the floor, turned his hair blue and acquired an extra leg." Snape laughed quietly to himself.

"Er...Severus...can I ask you if you always write risk assessments for your lessons?"

Snape looked up, scowling. "Do I do what?"

"Um, Severus, we may have to talk later about health and safety if that's all right."

"That's fine if you don't mind my wand up your..."

"Perhaps if we move on?" Dumbledore leapt in.

It was then he noticed McGonagall giving him a strange look. Repeatedly she glared at him and then looked pointedly down. Albus followed her gaze. Below the table Snape's hand was beginning to shake uncontrollably. Albus was going to have to do something fast. And then he noticed Snape's wand poking slightly out of his robes. "Gumificus," Albus whispered before turning back to the front of the room.

"So," the man continued, "on to the meat of the lesson. You have described the practical demo and class activity, yes very good, and then you move on to the plenary...you, er, don't appear to have a plenary Severus."

"I'll give you a fucking plenary!" Snape was wrestling ferociously with his robes. "What the...?!" There was a rip as he fell behind the table. Muffled curses could still be heard as Dumbledore indicated to the man that he should continue.

"Er...right...do you think he's all right?"

"He'll be fine."

"You bastards!!" curses rang out from under the table.

"Should I check?" The man stepped forward.

"No, I don't think that would be wise."

"A-ha!" Snape emerged from under the table breathing heavily, wild eyed. He surveyed the room menacingly, his voice ice. "So, who was it that glued my wand into my trousers?" He held his wand out, black fabric dangling from the end.

There was a snigger from the back of the room.

"God I hate you all, every last one of you. You make me teach when I hate children. Shit, I hated them even when I was one of them. Then you tell me what I should teach, then how I should teach them and then you tell me that I can't teach them anything interesting at all because of health and bloody safety and one of them might get their brains blown out. Well so bloody what, that's what I say, they wouldn't be missed would they? Well, not by me anyway, the miserable pack of invertebrate excuses for humanity......"

"Petrificus!" Albus boomed out.

There was a deafening silence. Stunned faces stared at Snape's frozen expression of pure rage. Even immobile it was a scary sight.

"Right, everybody out of the staff room before that wears off. And you..." he pointed his wand at the man from the ministry, "I suggest you leave the premises immediately...unless you're still wanting that private chat with Severus here?"