Perfect Disarray

So this was what my life had come to. I looked down at my broom, which had refused to fly, and then to the snitch in my hand, frantically beating its wings. In a fit of frustration, maybe some anger, I threw the snitch, briefly hoping that my throw would have enough force to crush it against the castle wall. It didn't, and the cheeky golden ball zoomed quickly past my face and onto the Quidditch pitch.

Resigned to capture it, I tried fervently to kick off of the ground and fly. This time my broom obeyed and soon I was flying, scanning the pitch for any sign of the golden snitch. This could take hours with the way I've been flying. Flying used to make me happy. Now all it does is remind me of him.

Tears welled up in my eyes. I was beyond trying to brush them away. Everything brought me to tears these days. And then the anger set in. My frustration at not knowing what to do.

I'm a person who always knows what to do. I was sorted into Ravenclaw. I have the top grades in my class. I was chosen as seeker for the house team in my third year, which is pretty young to play on a house team. Except for him.

My broom suddenly bucked. I grasped my hands tightly around the handle in an attempt to land. My knuckles were turning white. The broom fell to the ground, still, as I softly tumbled over the grass.

I'm not sure how long I laid there, sobbing, cursing the bright blue sky. I've become one of those people. One of those miserable people who is like an infectious disease. I can't be around happy people anymore. I might infect them. Even worse, they might try to make me feel better. Then I'd see the pity in their eyes.

"Poor Cho," they always say. "She's so sad because of Cedric."

I always feel like pasting one of them up against a wall. Or planting my fist into their face just to wipe the pity from their eyes. I want to rail at them and scream. It's not just Cedric. It's everything.

I miss him every day. He understood me so well. He always knew what to do, what to say, how to listen. At the end of last year he was an irreplaceable friend. I could talk to him about anything, Quidditch, O.W.L.s, and he always understood. No one understands now. I wasn't just his girlfriend.

I feel like such a bitch all the time. I can't stand being around even Marietta anymore, yet I feel bad for being such a bitch to her. Every time I see her I snap. She doesn't understand that I still think of Cedric. All she thinks about is Harry Potter. How he's too young. How he's unstable. How he's ugly. How he's playing both me and Hermione. I want to slap her across the face and yell.

"Fuck you, you ignorant bitch!" I'd say. "You don't know anything! Harry tried to save Cedric's life! He didn't get him killed, he tried to save him." But why bother, really, when your outburst will only fall on deaf ears.

Harry Potter. The-Boy-Who-Lived. I love him. I think I loved him even last year when I loved Cedric. My feeling for Cedric was always different. More friendly, deep, and less of that instant attraction. Why didn't Harry just ask me to the ball sooner last year? I wouldn't have gotten so close to Cedric. I wouldn't miss him so much.

Then there's perfect Hermione Granger. Top of her class, always at Harry's side. Why does he like her more than he likes me? What does she have that I don't? I wish she would just disappear somehow. I wish You-Know-Who would kill her next.

I start to cry again. Fuck. Have I really become that despicable of a person, wishing death on someone? Why, because my boyfriend likes her more than he likes me. You're pathetic Cho Chang.

I hear a snicker out of the corner of my eye and see a group of Slytherin girls, led by Pansy Parkinson, walking past the Quidditch pitch. I close my eyes and pray I will suddenly break through the charm that is preventing me from apparating back into my room. I am still lying in the grass, my broom beside me. The snitch is zooming somewhere in the air above me.

I used to always know what to do. Now I can't even get up off of the ground.