Chapter Something

Chapter 0.16

Hermione was jumping up and down, thrashing about in cheerful spasms. Her happy eyes had rolled to the back of her head and she was frothing uncontrollably at the mouth.

'I love you Harry!' she screamed.

Harry Potter, the boy who people attempted to kill numerous times but wouldn't fucking die opened his eyes and screamed silently, awaking suddenly in a cold sweat.

What a wonderful dream, he thought, I better tell Ron so he can congratulate me.

He crept over to his beautiful sleeping friend and leant close to his ear...

'YOU'RE GOING TO DIE TONIGHT!' he yelled as loudly as he could.

'FUCKING FUCK FUCKER OF THE FUCKWORLD COME UP TO FUCK FUCKLY SHITFUCK!' Ron whispered, tears streaming from his eyes.

Luckily, the rest of the Gryffindor boys continued to sleep soundly, they had all turned deaf.

'Hello, F'thair, it's time to wake up,' Harry said in sign language, but forgot he wasn't talking to the rest of his friends.

Ron sat up and looked up to ceiling, clasping his hands in silent prayer.

'I'm not normally religious but if you're up there Jesus, please just make Harry fucking die,' he mumbled.

'What did you say?' Harry snapped.

'I said you're a wonderful friend.' Ron crossed his arms and looked at Harry expectantly.

'I had the dream again,' said Harry, 'the one with Neville frolicking in the middle of the sky.'

I can't tell him what it means to drink wine, Harry thought, his brain hurting slightly at the thought of alcohol, otherwise Mother will come back from the dead.

'Hey Harry,' said Ron suddenly. 'Do you ever get the feeling you're going insane?'

Harry cocked his head, Ron looked so ugly when he opened his mouth. The two boys swivelled around at the abrupt opening of the door. It was Hermione.

'Hi,' she said timidly. 'I heard you screaming, Harry, so I thought this would be a good time to introduce you to him.'

Harry's heart fell and he heard Ron gasp beside him. So this was the lover she'd talked so much about.

'R-right now?' Ron croaked. He had loved Hermione for minutes on end. Harry, for seconds.

'I think it's time.' She smiled reassuringly.

Ron exchanged a painful look with Harry, just as a bird flew into the window. Yes, tonight was going to be a tough one. They turned back to her and nodded gravely. She beckoned behind her and a being in a dark cloak stepped into the room. He upturned his head to reveal a gleaming, white set of bones - his face.

Death had arrived at last.

Harry started jumping up and down on the bed gleefully, clapping his hands and screaming profanity at the top of his lungs.

'HERMIOFUCK WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CALL US FUCK WHEN ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS MAKE SWEET TENDER LOVE TO DEATH? FUCKING FUCK OF A FUCK!'

Hermione, Death and Ron chuckled heartily. Harry was a very smart boy.

'So, it's nice to meet you...' Ron said, reaching out to shake Death's hand, 'Hermione talks about you all the fucking time. She's such a fucking bi-atch.' Death shook Ron's hand which instantly fell off. The touch of death was so sweet.

Hermione embraced her lover and died instantly. No sooner had a group of abnormally large chickens frolicked into the room.

Harry grinned and kissed Death deeply and passionately, his lips soon falling off his fat, scarred face.

Harry and Ron writhed on the ground next to Hermione's dead body. The other Gryffindors were still snoring with dumb smiles on their faces.

'FUCK!' uttered death in a silent, raspy scream.