Witcherella

Witcherella

A classic wizard tale performed for a group of Death Eaters and Death Symps at the Malfoy Manor

Acters

Janice Nott, Slytherin, wife of a Death Eater

Theo Nott, Slytherin, son of Janice Nott

Narcissa Malfoy, Slytherin, wife of a Death Eater

Draco Malfoy, Slytherin, son of Narcissa Malfoy

Hermann Busch, evil Durmstrang student

The Play: mime with narration

A long time ago when the world was a different place, there was a Brave Wizard (Theo) and a Good Witch (Narcissa) who loved each other deeply. As deeply as they loved each other, they loved all other witches and wizards. It could not have been otherwise. At that time there was no special places for witches and wizards. There was no place to raise a castle or create a thunderstorm without arousing the envy of their neighbors who would immediately construct a telly antenna higher than the castle or do a fireworks display noisier than the thunderstorm. Things were not working out. Somethiing had to be done.

The Brave Wizard (Theo) and the Good Witch (Narcissa) decided to create a space that only witches and wizards could find and inhabit. This they did. There was a price, however, since the space encroached upon demon territory, and the Brave Wizard (Theo) and the Good Witch (Narcissa) had to fight the demons in one last desperate battle. But the Good Witch (Narcissa) had a brilliant idea. The Brave Wizard (Theo) and the Good Witch (Narcissa) would make a vow upon the sanctity of their marriage to fight bravely and truely, and thus they would win and survive. Before the battle, the Brave Wizard (Theo) and the Good Witch (Narcissa) had left their daughter, Witcherella, in the care of her Godparents.

At this point, the fable does a flashback to a meeting between the Brave Wizard (Theo) and the Good Witch's Sister (Janice). To punctuate the story, the Good Witch's Sister (Janice) shimmied on stage to the delight of the audience.

Definitely overacting, mum, thought Theo.

The Good Witch (Narcissa) had been nagging the Brave Wizard (Theo) about his indifference to her family. That can be remedied, he thought. Now Witcherella had a Evil Step Brother.

With the demon world bearing down on them at the demon standard speed of thirty seven miles an hour, it was not the appropriate time for the Brave Wizard (Theo) to engage in a lengthy discussion about how he had been improving relations with some of his in-laws. He took the vow. They won the battle, but to the brief befuddlement of the Good Witch (Narcissa) they did not survive. Luckily for him, the Brave Wizard (Theo) was already dead.

Thus ended the first half of the story.

The second half of the story begins with the Evil Step Brother (Draco) ruling justly and fairly over the lands won from the demons. Taxes were light and fair; punishment for crimes was community service; and there was peace with the neighbors. The citizens, however, hated the Evil Step Brother (Draco) because he was not Witcherella, who couldn't govern her own backyard. At the end of every parade, the Evil Step Brother's (Draco's) carriage was filled with twice his weight in rotten fruit; he was constantly being hanged in effigy; and he was the brunt of every joke about sexual inadequacy.

These experiences made the Evil Step Brother (Draco) bitter. He was that type of person.

To replace the Evil Step Brother (Draco) with the true heir, the Godparents had to make a wand for the true heir from the Willow at the End of the World and the golden thread in the horn of the True Unicorn. Of course, to get the thread the Godmother (Janice) had to remain chaste.

The Godmother (Janice) steps forward to declare her willingness to make the noble sacrifice of an unconsummated marriage. She goes into enough graphic detail and describes her missing joys with enough fervor that she works herself into an excited state and starts chasing her husband around the stage, intent on breaking her vows. The Godfather (Hermann), however, resists.

How did the Godfather (Hermann) resist the blandishments of his wife? Well, he had figured out that the 'plot requirement' was a chaste wife, and the Godmother (Janice) had a Sister (Narcissa). To punctuate the story, the Sister (Narcissa) shimmied on stage to the delight of the audience.

Definitely overacting, mum, thought Draco.

How history does repeat itself. Nevertheless, the Godmother (Janice) remained chaste. They took a branch from the Willow at the End of the World, and they took the golden thread from the horn of the True Unicorn who had his own opinion about the Godmother (Janice) having remained chaste. The Godparents made a wand for Witcherella (Narcissa, playing two parts).

Thus armed, Witcherella (Narcissa) snuck into the throne room where the Evil Step Brother (Draco) presided.

Thus relieved of their duty, the Godparents snuck into the room behind the throne room.

The enactment ended with audience participation. The narrator asked, "And what did Witcherella do to her Evil Step Brother when she reached the throne room?"

The crowd shouted, "She did his arse!"

At this point, for dramatic effect, Witcherella (Narcissa) hurled a thunderbolt. She can do that.

The narrator asked, "What did the Godparents do to each other behind the throne room?"

The crowd roared, "The same thing!"

There was thunderous applause as the audience congratulated themselves on a clever answer.

And now came the bestest part of the whole play.

"And what was the moral of the story?" asked the narrator.

Here was catharsis. The healing of those childhood scars. All those times in the lower grades where the the teacher insisted that the story had a moral, and the student was certain the author intended no such thing. The teacher, however, was the teacher, and the student was not going to pass the course unless the student found the moral to the story.

The crowd shouted, "Evil sisters rule!"

"No," said the narrator. Bad class. Try again.

The class thought and thought. What did that teacher have in mind?

Finally, the narrator said, "Anyone?" And that was the signal.

The crowd roared, "Watch your arse!"

"Yes!" said the narrator. The class passed the test. Everyone was a good kid. The childhood scars were healed.

Such was 'Witcherella.' A timeless story with a universal moral